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“Is It Fun?”

January 29, 2012 By Leave a Comment

 

A few months ago, I made a commitment to myself to start doing the Washington Post crossword every morning. I thought it would be good for my brain, and to up the ante, I made a few rules.

You know me: Michele Woodward, Rules Girl [when you know the rules, you also know how to bend them. I am just saying.]. Here are my crossword puzzle rules:

Rule 1:  Use only pen.

Rule 2:  Take only 15 minutes.

Rule 3:  If I’m not done in 15 minutes, drop it.

Five times out of six, I complete the puzzle under the rules. Which is surprisingly fulfilling. Ups my general Happy Quotient, if you want to know the truth.

And, there are one or two things I have learned from this exercise:

A. My intuition about a word is almost always right (except the other day, when the clue was “John Paul II, e.g.”  I wrote “POPE” when the answer turned out to be “POLE”. Ah, well.)

B. Sometimes an Across word is best solved by looking at the Down words that make it up

C. Challenges can be fun

That’s right, fun.  Look at me – I used the f-word.

Maybe you were raised with that wonderful work ethic that says “anything worth doing has to be hard”, which leads quite handily toward “work is hard, fun is frivolous; ergo, no fun for you, bucko”.

So you equate fun with anything but work.

Fun is tubing down the river with a cooler of beer trailing behind you.

Fun is a yo-yo tournament.

Fun is running a marathon (except for that pesky mile 21 where everything gets a little wobbly and you wonder where the fun is. The fun comes at mile 26.375, baby).

Work is a grind. Work is hyper-competitive. Work is eat-what-you-kill, dog-eat-dog, scarcity thinking writ large.

Fun and work, therefore, can never be equal.

But maybe think about it this way: work is just a challenge.

And crossword puzzles are challenges, right?

And some challenges can be fun and rewarding, and even fulfilling.

Especially if you know the rules and work within them. Kinda.

So, if my math is right, work can be fun and fulfilling if you turn the grind into a a kind of game, and you create some rules for yourself – rules you stick to.

[You may have heard of this idea of rules before. We also call these "boundaries".]

Such as:  “I will not work on weekends.”

“I won’t waste a minute in malicious office gossip.”

“If something doesn’t go my way, I will drop it and move on rather than obsess, stew and fret.”

These are just some of mine. Just like using a pen to complete the crossword in less than 15 minutes.

You have a choice, too. You can make your own rules.

Really.

Start by asking yourself, “Is this thing I’m doing fun?” And if the answer is no, then figure out a way to make it fun. Make it a game.

Your game.

And I’m thinking you’re going to win because you made up the rules.

You winner, you.

 

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Meaning & Purpose Made Plain

January 22, 2012 By Leave a Comment

photo: Michele Woodward via Instagram

 

 

 

I know your life’s purpose. In fact I know the purpose of every human on this planet, because I believe we all share the same one.

Your life’s purpose is to be a force for good in the world. That’s it. That’s all.

And you get meaning from the way you choose to create good.

So, a nurse is doing good by healing patients. She finds meaning by making sure they get the right medications at  right time, making sure they have what they need and are comfortable.

An investment broker who approaches her work with the idea that she’s going to help her clients plan for a successful retirement can find meaning in creating the right portfolio, the right risk mix. She might even find meaning in teaching people how to finally relate better to their money, so they can reach their goals.

A guy working in a bowling alley can feel an enormous sense of purpose in running a clean, well-functioning set of lanes that allow people to exercise, socialize and be part of a community. So even re-setting the pins can be deeply meaningful, if it allows all of that good stuff to continue.

See?

Purpose: To do good.

Meaning: How you choose to do good.

Now, there are three things that can interfere with meaning and purpose. First, is fear. If you have the idea in your head that the only way to stay safe is to be really, really, really rich, and believe that there is no money in “doing good”, you are going to serve the fear and take the highest paying job possible, regardless. You might work in a large investment house where you make multiple on-paper deals which generate on-paper profits that merely get shared among the partners. In this case, you are only working to allay the fear, rather than to do good – catch that? – and life can feel very shallow and unfulfilled.

But a solution exists. You shift to doing good while in a similar job – maybe handle investments for a state’s retirement program, maybe commit some earnings to support a charity, maybe mentor some kid who could use a break. But you have to move out of fear and into doing good to get that deep sense of purpose and meaning which are missing.

The second thing that hampers your move toward purpose is The Killer “Should”. As in, “I should be a doctor/lawyer/Indian chief because that’s what my parents are/want for me/expect.” The problem is that if you are only doing whatever you’re doing to please others, it’s likely that doesn’t feel good – right at your core. Enter nasty habits like passive aggressiveness, self-sabotage and feeling like a fraud.

Again, the only way to turn this situation around is to look at where you can best be a force for good in the world. Where do you need to be to do good? Then do it. Whatever it takes.

And the Great Wall of China standing between you and your purpose might be your ego. Your ego may be sweet talking you that the purpose of life is to be admired, loved, maybe even put on a pedestal. You know you are put on this earth to do something great. Really great. But doing good is really secondary to your true mission – being loved and admired. Which is why the sometime hard work of doing good feels so empty. You don’t necessarily feel the love when you’re reviewing spreadsheets all by yourself, do you?

The key is to simply shift. Put doing good first, and then you may find that your ego gets everything it needs from the result of all you create.

Time after time, I see people suffering from working in a place that doesn’t work for them. They feel burned out, and unsure. It’s like the air’s been knocked out by a sucker punch and they don’t know how to get back on their feet.

The quickest way, the most fulfilling way, the happiest way, is to start asking yourself: “Did I do good today?” And knowing that you’ll be asking that question, tackle things that will allow you to say, “Yes.  Yes, I did.”

And if you work in a place where it’s impossible to do any good at all, whatsoever, get yourself to a new place where you can. Don’t wait.

You can thank me later. When you happily find that you are living your purpose every day with a deep sense of meaning.

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Integrity

January 15, 2012 By Leave a Comment

Noticed a little bit of conversation these days about politics? Not only in the U.S., where we seem to have a permanent presidential campaign in place, but also in Europe, in Asia, in South America…

Commentators in this country continue to refer to the nation suffering from a “crisis of confidence”. Maybe that’s true.

Maybe we are tired of the law partner who pockets a record bonus but tells the associates and support staff that there’s no money – again this year – for their raise.

Perhaps we’re too used to hearing about the minister with the $100,000 Mercedes parked in front of his mansion.

It could be that we’re fed up with hearing that people are going to “change Washington” and yet nothing ends up getting done.

We see real incongruence between what we expect and what we get, and that’s precisely how our confidence is undermined.

That’s a word I’m loving these days: Congruence.

It’s when things line up. It’s when what you see is what you get.

Congruence is truth.

Congruence is whole.

Congruence makes sense.

And a person who is congruent – they mean what they say, and predictably do what they say they will – is truly a person of integrity. Pundits may see the world suffering from a crisis of confidence, but I’d call it an Integrity Deficit.

Somehow or other, many leaders – some of them self-appointed – seem to have forgotten that people eagerly follow those with integrity. Whether you’re a politician, an office manager or a life coach, being a person who means what she says, and does what she says she’s going to do, is the person who’s really successful.

Now, we all know people whose integrity is, shall we say, “compromised”, and yet they seem to thrive and maybe even get ahead.

That’s an incongruence right there, huh?

But what goes around comes around, and I have never, ever met an incongruent person whose personal narrative ends well. Have you?

That karma thing is plenty powerful.

And it always works.

So, now is as good a time as any to assess your own personal integrity.

  • Do you ever say yes when you mean no, and wince about it shortly after the words have left your mouth?
  • Do you consistently miss deadlines and break commitments?
  • Do you fib about having sent in the payment, when really you haven’t even written the check yet?
  • Do you concoct a story about where you just were, rather than admitting what you were really doing?

OK, you’re human.  But do you feel good about this stuff? Or does it add to your stress?  Create overwhelm?

Then get congruent, baby.

Start in a small way.  Start by making only those commitments you know you can meet. And then acknowledge to yourself that you did what you said you’d do. Maybe even give yourself a little reward for that.

And, make an effort to really watch your words.  In The Four Agreements, author Don Miguel Ruiz suggests that one way to insure happiness is to:

“Be impeccable with your word. Speak with integrity. Say only what you mean. Avoid using the word to speak against yourself or to gossip about others. Use the power of your word in the direction of truth and love.”

I hear you – truth and love in the workplace? Just for a minute, drop your skepticism and think about it a different way.

I know from experience that shifting toward integrity will profoundly change your work experience. It will profoundly change your marriage, your parenting, your friendships and everything else in your world.

Integrity changes anything it touches for the better.

That is the truth.

You know, I have a dream.  I dream that one day our global crisis of confidence will be replaced with the peace, certainty and progress that integrity engenders.

But that will only happen – our leaders will only become people of integrity – if we, first, become so ourselves.

 

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Michele on TV!

January 12, 2012 By Leave a Comment

Listening is a hot topic!  Watch this short clip from NewsChannel 8 in Washington, DC, where I talk more about it:

 

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Listen

January 8, 2012 By 6 Comments

 

I believe that listening well is the greatest honor you can pay another person.

When you listen, you tell another person that you value them. That you respect them. That they matter.

And if you are someone who needs to work with other people to get things done, then there is no better way to lead than to listen.

This is true in the workplace, and it’s true with toddlers.

I imagine you’ve heard of Stephen Covey’s 7 Habits of Highly Effective People, haven’t you? Probably no surprise to you – I only really like two and a half of the habits.

The one I half-like is “Sharpen The Saw”, which in principle – to continually learn – I am totally on board with. “Sharpen” and “Saw” strike me as a little too chest-thumping lumberjacky macho macho.

That being said, another I really like is “Start With The End In Mind”, which is all about vision – vitally important.

But the best habit is: “Seek First to Understand, Then To Be Understood” which is a succinct endorsement of the power of listening.

Listen first, understand what the other person is saying, and then say what you need to say.

Sounds easy.  Can sometimes be hard.

Let’s make it easier with just a few tips:

  1. Turn off the phone
  2. Stop texting
  3. Do not check your email
  4. Move to another room if you can’t pretend the game is not on
  5. Let the other person have uninterrupted space to say what needs to be said
  6. Make eye contact
  7. Repeat or rephrase what you’ve heard – this is called “Active Listening”
  8. Ask if you’ve understood their point or argument
  9. Clarify as needed
  10. Now, say what you want to say -without judgment and ego

It’s that last bit that makes most of us grind our teeth. Having a staff person tell you what’s wrong with the roll-out may feel like a challenge to your expertise or planning skills or authority, but unless you’re Steve Jobs you might want to listen in case the kid has a point. Could save you some time and money. And maybe even guarantee the success you’re aiming for.

Plus, that kid could end up being the next Steve Jobs – wouldn’t it be cool to have been his mentor?

Even if the listening you’re doing is with your child who is telling you something you’d rather not hear – and, trust me, if you have a teenager this happens frequently – separating what is being said from your own ego is key to building a stronger relationship.

Which is the point, right?

In this fast-paced, go-go-go, multi-media, multi-input, multi-stimulus world, taking time out of time to really listen can shift a relationship from superficial to rich. And results from ho-hum to amazing.

Real, connected listening builds respect, which – in my opinion – we could use a lot more of in this world of ours.

So, ready?  It’s time to listen up.

 

 

Filed Under: Authenticity, Career Coaching, Getting Unstuck, Happier Living Tagged With: , , , , , 6 Comments

Be It Resolved

December 31, 2011 By 2 Comments

 

WHEREAS, 2011 was a bad year for tyrants, terrorists and repressive regimes around the world; and,

WHEREAS, sometimes offices and workplace settings can mimic authoritative empires; and,

WHEREAS, the world of work has radically changed, making it even more important for you to see yourself as fully in charge of your career and future; and,

WHEREAS, the thing that has often challenged you is being a good enough advocate for yourself; and,

WHEREAS, you might also just be a little bit of a people-pleaser, which only means something you learned at one time in your life no longer suits you at this point; and,

WHEREAS, breaking a life-long habit can be a big challenge; and,

WHEREAS, you know breaking that habit is the only way to get ahead and live the life you envision; and,

WHEREAS, surprisingly enough, you can easily get all the help and support you need to make this change simply by asking people you trust to give you a hand,

NOW, THEREFORE, BE IT RESOLVED, that you will begin to shift your situation by taking small steps to learn be the self-mentor, self-advocate, self-champion you need to be

  1. You will say no, and
  2. You will honor your own preferences and assert them appropriately, and
  3. You will take the risks required to grow, even if they feel way too big, and
  4. You will not be afraid to be a person of integrity and authenticity, and
  5. You will find that by doing so you will actively move to reduce your stress, and
  6. You will stop feeling like you continually lose.

BE IT FURTHER RESOLVED, that you will stand up to office bullies and authoritarian tyrants, armed with integrity, confidence, candor and focus, thereby giving yourself the relief you deserve, and the kind of life you want.

RATIFIED BY UNANIMOUS CONSENT this 1st day of January, 2012.

[Your signature here]

 

 

 

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Let This Glorious Day Begin

December 25, 2011 By 1 Comment

 

 

This morning is still. Quiet.

It’s early yet.

Fleece blanket around shoulders, tea mug in hand, I lean into the translucent morning breathing the crackling December air.

I can see my own breath, and the steam rising from the fragrant tea.

Dogs happily run through frosted grass.

Birds chirp their morning songs.

Close my eyes.

Open my ears.

Senses alive.

Take it all in.

Yes, I feel it.

Deep satisfaction.

Deep love.

Deep connection.

In-the-marrow knowing: I love and am loved.

Lips move into an instant and unstoppable grin.

On this still and expectant Christmas morning, I’ve received the first gift: Profound appreciation for this one precious life of mine.

Silent, prayerful thanks flow like a river coated with ice – underneath it’s constant, steady, powerful.

Reverie.

Until yipping dogs announce it’s time to go inside.

And so I do.

Full to the brim.

Full of joy.

Of hope.

Of love.

I think: Let this glorious day begin.

And it has.

 

 

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Best Books of 2011

December 18, 2011 By 3 Comments

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

OK, I’m a slacker. I only read thirty-four works of fiction, and twelve books of non-fiction in 2011. Yes, I fell off my Read-A-Book-A-Week pace this year – but, hey, some of the books I read were really thick!

Let me tell you about the best of the books I read this year:

FICTION

Absolute Favorite Of The Year: The Harry Bosch series by Michael Connelly: I read one and I was hooked. Quickly read the first six books in the series and now I think I am in love with Harry Bosch, a hard-as-nails LAPD detective with a weakness for a jazz saxophone and strong women. The books are beautifully written, even if they are about murder, autopsies and betrayal. There is just something compelling about Harry Bosch, and I plan to read all seventeen books. I just can’t help myself.

The others:

Just Kids by Patti Smith: a coming of age story set in 1970s New York City, focusing on the love between two kids who would go on to change the world in their own ways – Patti Smith and Robert Mapplethorpe. Smith writes like the poet she is – lyrically, magically, powerfully. Lovingly.

An Atlas of Impossible Longing by Anuradha Roy: a beautiful story of love and longing, set in turn of the century India. Gorgeous language.

The Hunger Games Trilogy by Suzanne Collins: I devoured all three books, which, like all great fantasy literature, take what’s real and makes it into what might be. I was immersed. In fact, I read each book twice, so maybe my annual count should be higher… they are that good.

The Inspector Gamache series by Louise Penny: A principled man of integrity solves crimes in Quebec. Simple premise. Anything but simple stories. I loved coming to know the cast of characters and to see how they evolved through all six books.

The Dovekeepers by Alice Hoffman: At Masada in the first century, over 900 Jews committed suicide rather than submit to Roman rule. But contemporaneous records showed that two women and five children survived. This is their magical story.

V is for Vengeance by Sue Grafton: I have read every book since A is for Alibi. And, each time I have a vague worry that Sue Grafton will “phone it in” and slap together a book just for the sales. And with every book I’m happily thrilled that she has never done that. This book has private investigator Kinsey Millhone at her absolute finest – in her worn jeans, semi-clean sweatshirt and nail scissors haircut – solving a mystery that starts with shoplifting and ends in a surprising way.

Greatest Knight by Elizabeth Chadwick: If you, like me, have a weakness for historical fiction, then you will love the story of William Marshal – a landless second son who goes on to become Regent of England while his friend Richard the Lionheart is on Crusade.

Caleb’s Crossing by Geraldine Brooks: In the late 1600s, Puritans on Martha’s Vineyard sent a young man to Harvard College.  He went on to graduate – the first Native American to do so – and Brooks tells the story of Caleb crossing from one culture to another, supported by the deep friendship of a young woman, Bethia. Beautiful imagery by the Pulitzer Prize winning author. I’ve never read a word she’s written that I haven’t loved.

State of Wonder by Ann Patchett: A fish out of water everywhere, Marina Singh finally finds her place in the remote Amazonian rain forest. Patchett is another favorite author whose voice is like a tonic.

NON-FICTION

Absolute Favorite Of The Year:  Letters To A Young Poet by Rainer-Marie Rilke: Timeless advice on living from a great poet. I found myself marveling at Rilke’s insight and kindness, and his deep wisdom. Truly, you can pick this book up, open it to any page and have an ah-ha moment. Any page.

The others:

Necessary Endings by Henry Cloud: The book that inspired my Unstuck Process, Dr. Cloud provides practical, insightful methods to effectively end what needs to be ended.

Read This Before Our Next Meeting by Al Pittampalli: New rules for meetings that work. Who can’t use that?

Jacqueline Kennedy: Historic Conversations on Life with John F. Kennedy by Caroline Kennedy and Michael Beschloss:  I learned some things reading this book. 1.) Jackie Kennedy was very smart, intuitive and sharp; 2.) Yet, in her eyes her most important role was helpmeet to her husband; 3.) Political issues and people flare into “news” but many of them barely make history. What makes history is the people who take the risks to do something new. And so I learned that  Jacqueline Kennedy absolutely deserves her role in history.

The Art of War by Sun Tzu: I first read this volume when I accepted my first corporate job – who better to give me advice than an ancient warrior? The truths on leadership and managing conflict written over 2000 years ago still resonate today. It’s a good set of principles to have in any leader’s tool chest.

Secret Thoughts of Successful Women by Valerie Young: So many of my female clients struggle with The Impostor Syndrome – “if only people REALLY knew that I’m truly faking it, I’d lose everything” – and this book offers deep understanding of the Why of the imposter feeling, and practical paths out.

We Are All Weird by Seth Godin: This book reinforced my idea that anyone selling anything today must be prepared to deeply customize the customer experience. We Are All Weird, yes, and we are all individuals. Successful leaders, marketers and service providers must accept this new principle – or find their business going the way of the buggy whip manufacturing industry.

I want to thank the coaching group who sent me a Kindle as a Christmas gift last year. I have absolutely loved the convenience and accessibility of this little gadget, and think of your generosity every time I turn it on. Which is daily, so – see? – I’m thinking about you a lot! If anyone has been considering getting an e-reader for yourself, let me tell you that the Kindle has been fun, easy to manage and has helped me get out-of-print or otherwise elusive books this year. Love it.

So, what are you reading? What was your favorite book of the year? I want to hear from you (see, I’m always looking for something new to read…).

 

[Just a note, each of these books are linked to Amazon.com for your convenience. If you purchase via this link I will possibly make nineteen to twenty cents on each sale - this is called an "affiliate link" and by law I am required to disclose that I will make this humungous sum of money if you choose to purchase.]

 

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What Did You Do?

December 11, 2011 By 1 Comment

 

I love this time of year.  Yes, the spirit and the festivities and the cool snap in the air.  Love that.

But I also love this time of year because of a reflective ritual I always perform – by myself, and for myself.

Every December, I sit down and write down my 25 Accomplishments for the Year.

Now, I know – twenty-five seems like a lot. Especially this year. Especially when you think the only accomplishments that matter are things like:

1.  Cured cancer.

2. Brought peace to the Middle East.

3. Joined the 1%.

4. Married a Kardashian.

But your own accomplishments are whatever you say they are. Case in point, how about the sweeping magnitude of this item from my own list:

16.  Took my medicine daily.

Sounds pretty trivial, huh?  Plus, taking medicine is something I “should” do, right?  OK, but you know plenty of people don’t take what’s prescribed to them, don’t you?  It’s ultimately a choice for health, wellness and self-care, and it’s a choice I’m conscious of making every day since I was treated for thyroid cancer in 2008.

I’m proud of this accomplishment, as small as it may seem in comparison to having your own TV reality show.

Yep, when I look at my list, I realize just how productive I’ve been this year, creating several new programs and earning more income than ever before.

Ever.

Now, there’s an accomplishment that feels really good.

All my accomplishments feel good, to tell you the truth, once I put them on paper and honored them.

My list of 25 Accomplishments – overachiever that I am, turned out to be 28 items – gave me a launching point to look at how my accomplishments line up with my key values. Know your own values? Think about the things that light you up, the things that are vitally important, the things you can’t live without. For me, it’s:

  • Taking care of my financial, spiritual and emotional health
  • Being a good enough parent
  • Leading
  • Learning

Being the nerdy geek girl that I am, I actually tabulated how many of my accomplishments related to one or more of my values, using teeny-tiny hash marks.  And guess what?  That information is already pointing me to what I want to do more of in 2012.

Sweet.

And useful. Practical. And really productive.

Want to give it a shot yourself? Hey, if you need some help figuring it all out, download the Personal Planning Tool for 2012 – available at my website as my gift to you. You can use the Tool to review 2011, identify your accomplishments, and get your thoughts together for what you’d like to get done next year.

And if you want, you can take it to a whole other level by making another list – let’s call it The Gratitude List.  Can you list 25 people or things you’re grateful for?

I can.  Again, the overachiever in me found twenty-six items to list, but let me tell you about:

10.  The kindness of strangers.

And,

11.  People who help me when I ask.

Kinda linked, yet kinda not.  But I’ll tell you, I could never have had as many accomplishments in 2011 if it hadn’t been for #10 and #11.

If it hadn’t been for you.

Because you are on my Gratitude List. You readers and clients, family and friends.

Oh, you’re on my List. Right up there at the top.

Right where you belong.

 

 

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How To Change Anything

December 4, 2011 By Leave a Comment

 

Take the thing.

Turn it round.

This way.

Then that.

Clear your mind.

See it.

Notice.

Breathe.

Allow it to transform before your eyes.

Into Something.

Something else.

Something new.

Something magical.

That changes everything

For the good.

 

 

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