Dads Are The Sexiest Men On Earth

Silhouette Of Father Lovingly Kissing Child On Forehead At SunseKnow what makes a sexy man?

It’s not the size of his bank account or the length of his job title.

It’s not that he’s a road warrior with a fat frequent flyer balance.

It’s not his dark wavy hair, his fast, sleek car or the washboard appearance of his abs.

It’s none of that.

A man is so sexy when…he’s teaching his daughter how to light the perfect fire on an autumn night.

When he shows his son how to not only grow tomatoes and basil but then how to make them into a Caprese salad.

When he listens to his teenager’s worries.

When he accompanies his adult daughter to chemo.

When he drives the carpool, when he brings the snacks, when he springs for pizza, when he discusses the Peloponnesian War, when he cries at his child’s wedding, when he is fully and completely committed to his family.

That is pretty sexy.

And all men – those uncles, and brothers, and cousins, and granddads, and neighbors, and clergy, and coaches, and teachers, and mentors – all of them who take time to give of themselves to young people who need a father figure…well, they’re damn sexy, too.

Happy Father’s Day, you sexy devils.

 

What’s So Great About You?

 

Stone WalkwayIt’s a true fact that we tend to discount those things that come most easily.

I’ve seen it so many times – whatever you do effortlessly causes you to say things like:

“It’s not that big of a deal.”

“Anyone can do this.”

“No one needs to pay me for this – I’m having too much fun!”

And then someone calls you out, gives you a compliment, says, “Wow, you are so good at this” and you pull yourself up short and say, maybe only to yourself, “Really? Am I?”

Because plenty of us think the only work that matters has to be hard. And that anything worth having takes toil, stress and perseverance.

When things come easy, all of those learned, ingrained platitudes fall away and what are you left with?

Effortless expertise, that’s what. Also, flow. Creativity. Purpose. Accomplishment.

My heart fairly bursts when I read that last line again.

See, it’s not that I forgot that we tend to discount that which comes most easily – I can’t forget it, I say it to my clients all the time. But it certainly seems I forgot to coach myself on this subject.

Here’s how it happened: Last week I led a two-day retreat for coaches on business-building. They came from Montana, Hawaii, California, Florida, Ohio, West Virginia, North Carolina and the Washington, DC-area, and each dug deeply into a new framework I created for the event called “The Shoulds Map”. It was a powerful, meaningful process and every person left with a solid path forward toward success.

It was moving, resonant and inspiring. 

Afterwards, one of the participants – an executive coach with 21 years of experience – said, “You must facilitate a lot of groups. You are so good at it.”

I tilted my head to the right and looked at her as if she had just spoken to me in ancient Greek. Or maybe tongues.

Groups? Sure I do groups. What’s the big deal? I’ve always have done groups. Groups, mostly, who want to – need to – get something done. Yeah, I do groups. Sure.

But do I promote groups? Do I talk about it? Do I highlight this skill? No, not really.

I sort of take whatever group work comes my way because group facilitation is so freaking easy for me.

And, we’re supposed to sellsellsell those things that are hard, right?

Sheesh. Look at me over here not walking my talk.

So today I’m talking about my work with groups who want to/need to get stuff done because I need to claim it. Ready?

I’m so good at facilitating groups that it feels effortless.

There, I said it.

And I’ll bet that there’s something you do that you need to claim. Something that’s so easy it feels effortless. Something so easy it doesn’t even register as that valuable to you.

Whether your skill is crunching the numbers to create the kind of financial analysis that seals the deal, or innovating spectacular interior design, or educating a room full of kindergartners, owning your particular thing is a huge step toward turning things around, being a good self-advocate and becoming a really happy, successful person.

So, I went first and now it’s your turn – let me facilitate this for you: What are you going to claim today?

The Books I Recommend Most

 

Lovely reader David suggested I create a list of the work-and-business-related books I recommend most frequently to clients, friends and the occasional passerby. “What a grand idea!” I exclaimed, after reading David’s email suggestion.

In making this list, I first thought to sort them by category or subject matter but then realized that many of the overlap and reinforce one another. Plus, sorting is hard work.

So, below find the 20 books I recommend most frequently and heartily:

For those who are starting anything new: The First 90 Days: Proven Strategies for Getting Up To Speed Faster and Smarter by Michael Watkinsfirst 90 days

For those who want to get organized, be more efficient and freaking nail it: Nine Things Successful People Do Differently by Heidi Grant Halvorson

For those who need to focus on interpersonal relationships and communications: No One Understands You And What To Do About It by Heidi Grant Halvorson

For those who may be an eensy bit glass-half-empty: Mindset: The New Psychology of Success by Carol S. Dweck, Ph.D.

For those making change: Transitions: Making Sense of Life’s Changes by William Bridges

For those who aspire to go bigger: The Talent Code: Greatness Isn’t Born. It’s Grown. Here’s How. by Daniel Coyle

For those changing jobs: Career Strategy: Find A Job, Grow A Career by Michele Woodward

For those who want to amp up their motivation, or the motivation of others: Drive: The Surprising Truth About What Motivates Us by Daniel H. Pink

tipping pointFor those who want to influence others: The Tipping Point: How Little Things Can Make A Big Difference by Malcolm Gladwell

For those who feel swamped when having difficult conversations: Crucial Conversations: Tools for Talking When Stakes Are High by Patterson, Grenny, et al.

For those who would like to lead or who are leading: The Soul of Leadership: Unlocking Your Potential for Greatness by Deepak Chopra

For those who might find themselves stuck and dealing with deep-rooted shame: Daring Greatly:How The Courage To Be daringgreatly_final525-resized-600Vulnerable Transforms The Way We live, Love, Parent, and Lead by Brené Brown, Ph.D.

For those who might have tiny perfectionism and control issues: The Gifts of Imperfection: Let Go of Who You Think You’re Supposed  To Be And Embrace Who You Are by Brené Brown, Ph.D.

For those who need to understand forgiveness: How Can I Forgive You? The Courage to Forgive, The Freedom Not To By Janis Abrams Spring, Ph.D.

For those who’d like to understand why men hog the remote: What Could He Be Thinking? by Michael Gurian, Ph.D.

For those who seek meaning and purpose: Man’s Search For Meaning by Viktor FranklGeography of loss

For those dealing with loss and grief: The Geography of Loss: Embrace What Is, Honor What Was, Love What Will Be by Patti Digh

For those focusing on integrity, honor and their own alignment: The Four Agreements: A Practical Guide To Personal Freedom by Don Miguel Ruiz

four agreementsFor those who would like to write: Bird by Bird: Some Instructions on Writing and Life by Anne Lamott

For those women finding themselves in mid-life crisis: When The Heart Waits: Spiritual Direction for Life’s Sacred Questions by Sue Monk Kidd

Are there other books I recommend? Sure, but these are the ones that most often get recommended to my clients as they work toward their goals. And, just a note, every link you see on this post is directly to Amazon.com. If you purchase through one of these links, I will make a small commission (very small, trust me). Just want to be upfront about that.

I’m looking forward to hearing what you think about these books – have you read them? Have they affected your life?

I sure hope so. Because they certainly have affected mine in ways large and small, and continue to do so every single day.

 

On Memorial Day

 

 

photo credit: James Tourtellotte

As difficult as my working life has been at times, one thing is true: I’ve never had to face enemy fire.

I’ve never had to quickly assess the risk threat and ask my people to advance into certain combat – and possible death.

I’ve never been far from home, hungry and exhausted, in a strange land with a different language and differing customs carrying an eighty pound pack through sandstorms,  snowstorms, rainstorms over mountains, through rivers, in jungles.

I haven’t been on a small boat in a big ocean, looking for the incoming weaponry that could sink my vessel.

I’ve not been in an airplane, tracing a safe route through enemy flak.

No, I’ve not been tested in these ways.

And so today and every day I honor those who served and those who gave their lives in service to their country.

It’s awe-inspiring and humbling to consider the men and the women who simply saw a need and filled it. Who went above and beyond not only because they could but because – in one split second – they knew they had to do something to save the lives of others.

I’m especially moved by those who never expected to be in combat but found themselves there. The nurses, the quartermasters, the cooks – those people who stepped up when duty called, and did what needed to be done.

Some of these people, in fact, lie in the Tomb of the Unknowns at Arlington Cemetery – their names are not known but their heroism is never forgotten.

All soldiers, sailors, airmen, Marines, Coast Guardsmen – they are valuable beyond measure, and stand shoulder to shoulder in a line of service which leads from our nation’s earliest days directly to today.

At the Gettysburg battlefield over 150 years ago, President Abraham Lincoln said:

The brave men, living and dead, who struggled here, have consecrated it, far above our poor power to add or detract. The world will little note, nor long remember what we say here, but it can never forget what they did here. It is for us the living, rather, to be dedicated here to the unfinished work which they who fought here have thus far so nobly advanced. It is rather for us to be here dedicated to the great task remaining before us—that from these honored dead we take increased devotion to that cause for which they gave the last full measure of devotion—that we here highly resolve that these dead shall not have died in vain—that this nation, under God, shall have a new birth of freedom—and that government of the people, by the people, for the people, shall not perish from the earth.

Today, I honor the last full measure of devotion of so many. Those honored dead who bravely did what so many of us have not done.

It is to them this day is dedicated, with respect and honor for their great sacrifice and the great sacrifice of the families they left behind.

 

photo credit: James Tourtellotte

 

 

The Thing About Mother Love

 

 

collection of old note paper on white background.I have been known to scrawl down an idea or two (thousand) when they pop into my noggin. Sometimes, it’s something I’ve read, or maybe I heard somewhere. When it comes time for my house to be cleaned out, the biggest impediment will be what to do with the three zillion Post-it notes, four thousand completely used legal pads and three gross of used index cards I have scrawled upon in my daily life.

And that’s just the tally since January 1, 2014.

So, I don’t know where this line came from, but I jotted it down on my desk blotter, which is really just a huge pad of paper I use to blot my ideas. The words form just a fragment, but it’s enough for me to remember and to think about:

“Follow highest excitement”

Did someone say this to me? Did I read it? Did it pop into my head, unbidden, from divine inspiration?

I have no idea.

But I do know what it means. It means that to find your deepest happiness, your most contented joy, your highest fulfillment, you must pursue the thing that lights you up the most.

Some of you know that in this last year I became an empty-nester. Within a few weeks of each other both of my children moved to new places to do new things and I found myself, very suddenly, with a life wide open.

Helpful friends had many suggestions for me. I should travel more. I should get an office downtown so I could be around more people. I should go to grad school. I should be on the TODAY show. I should get married. I should definitely not get married but have a madly passionate dating life.

All well meaning, but as the writer Elizabeth Gilbert wrote: “Someone else’s dream.”

When I look at my “highest excitement”, the thing that lights me up more than any other is something rather mundane. You might even say kind of ordinary.

But it’s not ordinary to me. To me, it’s the most amazing thing in the world.

You see, there is just one thing I will always do first. That I will break plans to attend to. For which I will spend every dollar I have and borrow if I need more. That I will always, always, always make time for.

In fact, my life’s highest excitement is… being a mother to my children.

Sexy, huh?

But, if they ask me to come be with them, I am there.

If they want to talk through things in their lives, I am there.

If they need help, I am there.

If they want to send me a hilarious gif of an Asian baby break dancing with a puppy, I am totally there.

And you might say that now is “me time” and that I’ve paid my dues and it’s time for a big separation and what am I some kind of helicopter parent?

No, in fact, I’m sort of the anti-helicopter parent. I’ve always known that my entire parenting job was to prepare my children to do what they’re doing at this very point in their lives – to make their own decisions, to live their own lives, to love their own ways.

My highest excitement comes from the delicious pleasure of “what next?” in the lives of these extraordinary people. What will they learn that sparks a new way of thinking for them? What will they experience that leads to a greater knowing? Who will come into their lives? How will they be in the world?

To me, this is a sheer and utter delight.

It occurs to me that what I’m really talking about is ”mother love”. That encompassing feeling of good will, delight in the moment and happy hope for the future – so maybe my highest excitement is really about me, and my ability to follow what my heart knows is right and true.

But here’s the thing that also occurs to me: this good will, this delight, this hope – exists plenty of places. Examples abound everywhere, and you don’t have to have given birth or raised a child to experience it.

You just have to live to your fullest expression. To honor what’s most fulfilling to you.

Regardless of gender or station, race or education, when you choose to honor and follow your highest excitement, you bring your own version of powerful mother love to the table.

This is the promise. This is the hope.

This is the possibility.

And today, on Mother’s Day, this is my big idea. Now, let me write it down somewhere.