In Praise of Sleep


Bright Bedroom Decorated With White Flowers

Someone once asked me to define “extreme luxury.”  My  answer came quick and certain:

Going to sleep when you’re tired and waking up without an alarm. Now, that’s true luxury.

Having lived a life full of late nights and missed planes and small children and smaller dogs and international conference calls, I have maintained a tricky relationship with sleep.

Oh, sure, I learned how to dip into a twenty minute nap while on campaign planes. And I learned to sleep when the baby slept, even though there was work to be done.

I also learned that there is always work to be done.

Studies have shown that prioritizing sleep is the right way to go, because chronic sleep deprivation yields an enormous impact on the body and mind. Prolonged sleep deprivation, in fact, has the eerily similar effect of knocking back a few cocktails – your speech slurs, you get all wobbly and your reflexes are shot to hell.

Just no paper parasol as a souvenir.

Yet, somehow “getting by” on just a few hours of sleep has become a red badge of courage. As if only the weak need sleep. That if you’re really and truly Type A and worthy of victoriously standing astride the globe as a conqueror, you don’t need any stinkin’ sleep.

Only slackers need sleep.

Some folks point to the productive genius Thomas Edison who famously slept less than four hours a night and demanded the same relentless endurance from those who worked for him.

The last full measure of devotion when you’re doing something important, it seems, becomes sacrificing sleep in favor of productivity.

Which, naturally, makes the most extreme luxury that which flies in the face of such group think.

Such as sleeping when you’re tired and waking up when you’re good and ready.

I achieve this feat about once a month - often enough for me to realize it’s possible yet rare enough to feel like a true luxury.

That’s why it’s the perfect extravagance. Costs me nothing. Comes with no designer labels nor inscrutable instruction manuals.

Sleep is, I have realized, the gift I give myself as a reminder that my well-being matters. A lot.

And I feel like a million dollars after getting enough sleep. It never fails that the next day I feel fully equipped to take on the day and master it.

Those are the days when my motto is “Bring. It. On.”

So, if you’ve bought into the collective thought that those who sleep are lazy, unmotivated, loafing slackers, I invite you to try some extreme luxury – get some sleep.

For one night, put your alarm clock away. Keep your phone in the kitchen.

When you’re tired, go to bed.

And sleep until you wake up.

It’s a luxury that will utterly change your life.


How The Really Successful Get That Way


The pendulum certainly does swing.Pendulum Of Foucault In Pantheon Of Paris

Seems to me like we are in the widest part of the arc these days with…analytics. Maybe the better word is “metrics”. Or maybe “algorithms”.

Oh, shoot – let’s just say “math”, shall we?

I continually hear stories about how organizations are driving accountability by taskifying every single function of every single employee and then measuring them according to an allegedly quantifiable “goal”, though if you ask me there are so many things at work which just cannot be quantified.

Such as creating strong relationships with customers.

Such as mentoring the next generation.

Such as being a genuinely nice person.

I have railed against the Tyranny of the Bean Counters for some time. But in some ways I get it, I really do.

I realize that there are some people for whom nothing is real unless they can see it, touch it, taste it – and make a little check mark signifying that it’s been documented.

And I know there are some people who are deeply suspicious and are certain that everyone would take advantage of lax supervision and become total slackers if given half a chance. [because, perhaps, they fear that this is what they would do in that circumstance. Just sayin'.]

And then there are those who have worked for large consulting firms, which take bean counting to a whole new, quite expensive level.

These folks represent the far part of the pendulum’s arc and have created a unrelenting emphasis on quantification and numbers. But it’s my fervent hope that at some point the pendulum swings back and rests at the middle point, where there are good goals – but also where the unmeasurable is valued and appreciated.

Because, in the end, success is not driven by numbers but by meaning.

Doubt me?

A recent study led by Yale professor Amy Wrzesniewski and Swarthmore professor Barry Schwartz looked at motivation using a group of 11,320 West Point cadets. They wanted to learn if the most successful people are driven by an internal motive, or by what they call an “instrumental” or external motive, or a combination of the two.

One might think that successful people have a perfect balance of internal and instrumental motives. They care about their work, and they care about getting the corner office – doesn’t that sound like the right mix?

But, guess what? The study showed something…different.

People who are motivated solely by what others will think, or how much money they will make - instrumental motives - tend to be unsuccessful over time than those who are internally driven.

Interesting, huh?

So, what if you have a blend of both internal and instrumental motives?

“Remarkably, cadets with strong internal and strong instrumental motives for attending West Point performed worse on every measure than did those with strong internal motives but weak instrumental ones. They were less likely to graduate, less outstanding as military officers and less committed to staying in the military,” say the study authors.

Now, back to the bean counters.

This study clearly shows that they’ve got it all wrong. Giving people better job titles, more money, the corner office as a prod for increased performance? Not going to work.

OK, maybe you get some short-term results – and you can certainly check a box off a list – but over the long-term your organization won’t really be successful because you’ve transformed internal motives into instrumental ones, which are ultimately much, much weaker.

The researchers say, “Rendering an activity more attractive by emphasizing both internal and instrumental motives to engage in it is completely understandable, but it may have the unintended effect of weakening the internal motives so essential to success.”

Meaning. Purpose. Learning. Growth. This is what we all need to be successful.

So, if you want success, transform your focus. Shift your own personal internal motives – the Big Why of why you’re doing whatever it is you’re doing – toward what it means, how it helps, what you learn, how you grow.

And if by chance you have the power to transform an entire organization, get cracking on amping up theses collective senses in your people – starting from the top right on down.

Because, “Our study suggests that efforts should be made to structure activities so that instrumental consequences do not become motives. Helping people focus on the meaning and impact of their work, rather than on, say, the financial returns it will bring, may be the best way to improve not only the quality of their work but also — counterintuitive though it may seem — their financial success.”

And so the pendulum begins to swing back.




Mindfulness In The Real World

Open Your Mind Torn Paper 


When I have something I want to think through, I take a walk. If it’s a really big something, I get behind the wheel, take a nice, long drive and cogitate.

Yesterday I took a drive to help me work out a piece I wanted to write on mindfulness.

A few weeks ago, you see, I heard Krista Tippett interview Dr. Ellen Langer – the first woman to be tenured in psychology at Harvard – about the difference being mindful can make in our lives and I was intrigued. Research shows that people who are mindful tend to be happier, healthier and more successful.

What’s not to like?

You know, I’ve heard about mindfulness for years and, to be honest, it seemed like a lot of work. I mean, to achieve mindfulness, you have to sit. With your legs crossed. And repeat vowel sounds. And meditate.

But Langer’s research shows that mindfulness is much easier to reach than that. In fact, it can be achieved by just “actively noticing things.”

That, I can do.

So, on my drive yesterday, I set out to do it – to actively notice something. And I did.

I noticed that my neighbors have new textured shingles on their roof, and that a tree I suspected of being dead had been removed on the corner.

I noticed the red of the neon sign telling me that the nearby Lebanese restaurant was open for the day.

I noticed a riot of color in the new flowers at the local garden center.

And then, I noticed the elderly man trip on the sidewalk and fall into the street right in front of my car.

I noticed what it sounded like when I slammed on the brakes.

I noticed my heart rate zooming.

I noticed the care and concern of the woman walking with him, as she leaned over to try to help him up.

I noticed how my seat belt button felt as I released it, and how my feet felt as they hit the pavement.

I noticed that the man had a white beard, and white hair, and for a moment was reminded of Santa Claus.

I noticed that he fell again trying to get up.

I noticed how strong his grip was as he grabbed my elbow and got back to his feet.

I noticed the other cars that had stopped, and the twenty other people who were out of their cars rushing to help.

I noticed the worry on the face of the woman in the car behind me who had stopped diagonally, to protect me as I got out of my car.

I noticed the elderly man’s sense of humor when he said, “Well, see, I was just practicing falling down and now I guess I’ve got it all figured out!”

I noticed how good it felt to laugh a little.

I noticed the feel of the shopping bags I picked up from where they had been dropped by the couple, and what it was like to ask if I could call an ambulance or give them a ride somewhere. And the gratitude of the wife when she said, “No, we live right here. We’ll be fine” and then, “Thank you for everything.”

I noticed what it was like to see traffic stopped in both directions, people out of their cars, willing to lend a hand.

As I drove away, I noticed so many things. The sudden immediacy I’d just experienced was overwhelming. I still felt on high alert and then tears came to my eyes and I found it hard to breathe.

I was glad I had been able to help, but I wondered what might have happened had I been mindlessly driving. What if I hadn’t been focusing on actively noticing? If I hadn’t been present enough to see the elderly man falling right in the path of my oncoming car?

I choked back the tears and took a few deep breaths. And went back to active noticing.

Because this stuff totally works.


When You Get Off Track


So you’ve got this thing you want to do. Railroad Tracks At Sunset

You’ve got a plan.

And you get started.

You do one or two things, and you get some traction. A little bit of progress. You see a glimmer of your dream coming true.

It’s fun. It’s kinda easy. It’s good.

Then something totally unexpected barrels in from left field and you get knocked completely off track.

Your kid gets sick, or your spouse gets sick, or you get sick.

Your mother, your father, or your dear aunt needs to transition into assisted living.

The value of your retirement account drops by fifty percent.

Your new driver gets sideswiped on the freeway by a smug young dude – talking on his phone, of course – and suddenly you’re looking at repairs adding up to thousands of dollars.

Your spouse asks for a divorce.

You ask for a divorce.

Whatever the cause, things change and the goal you’d set for yourself, the goal you’d actually started to make progress on, seems very far away and utterly out of reach.

What do you do? How do you get back on track?

First, you have to come to terms with how mad, frustrated or sad you might be that you’re not where you want to be. It’s not a failure, you’re not a failure. There are always bumps in the road, sugar, and you just met one. Might have been a doozy, and one you’d rather not have faced – but you did, and now it’s part of your reality. Own it.

Wallowing in the unhappiness of what happened will just take you farther from your goal. So drop the unhappiness and shame you might feel about not doing what you said you would, and pick up some self-love. The kind of healthy self-regard that supports you, and gives you the strength to move forward.

But do you want to move forward on the goal? Are you holding on because you think you should? Because you told a lot of people very publicly that you would accomplish it? If so, realize that there is no shame in revising your plan. Whatever abruptly came into your life may have provided you with important information that radically changes the landscape. Smart people take new information into account and modify as necessary, don’t they? And you’re pretty smart. So go ahead – revise and amend your plan.

Because, honey, it’s your plan – no one else’s. And you get to decide what you do.

Then, if the goal is still important and you still really want to do it, take that first step.

Maybe it’s a wobbly first step.

Maybe it’s an incredibly small first step. Like maybe you just sit and visualize what it’s going to be like when you’ve accomplished what you’re setting out to do.

Doesn’t matter. Even if it’s small, or wobbly, or undramatic - it’s good.

It’s movement. It’s movement in the direction you want to go.

And it’s entirely likely you’re going to get there, because even if you have a changed goal and meet with yet another bump in the road it’s not going to be a problem.

Because you met a big bump before and that didn’t stop you, did it? You kept moving forward and growing and loving and learning.

That’s kind of a big deal, you know.

How You Do One Thing Is How You Do Everything


She stood very still, feet firmly planted in the dirt beneath her.

In her entire career, even in countless meetings, presentations and speeches, the Senior Vice President had never really been challenged in the way she was being challenged in this moment.

She took a deep breath, and mustered every ounce of focus she could find.

She made eye contact.

And the huge horse standing alone in the ring with her was at full attention.

Equus Work 2014 2

The Senior Vice President

Without a word or sound, using only her body language, her energy and intention, she asked the horse to walk around the outside of the ring. For a moment, she entertained the idea that the horse actually weighed more than a SmartCar and smiled at the thought. The horse walked, then she got it to trot, then it broke into a full gallop.

Standing in the center of the ring, her eyes glued to the beautful animal she was connected with, the Senior Vice President was filled with a sense of accomplishment, of personal power, of…awe.

She had done it. She could do it.

It dawned on her as we discussed it afterwards, that maybe she wasn’t giving herself enough credit at work. Maybe she was a little too hard on herself. Maybe, just maybe, she was stronger and more capable than she realized. Maybe she could be a little bit bigger in the office, and be seen for the visionary leader that she is.

Oh, I am absolutely certain that awareness went with her to the office on Monday morning.

This is how I spent last weekend, working with women executives and coaches intensely in an Equus coaching program in Haymarket, Virginia. The methodology was created by my friend and fellow Master Coach Koelle Simpson after her apprenticeship with both horse whisperer Monty Roberts and author/coach Martha Beck. Koelle knew that horses can sense human authenticity and pure intention, and will let you know if a human’s walk and talk are not in alignment.  And they’ll let you know instantly.

After testing her theories and getting quick and powerful results with clients, Koelle began teaching her techniques to a select group of coaches four years ago who are now spreading her work around the world. Two of the best are Renee Sievert and Dixie St. John. I asked them to partner with me to bring their work to a small group of my clients, and also with a group of coaches I have mentored because I knew it would be the thing that would move many of them from an anxious striving here to… relaxed and productive there.

Dixie and Renee

Dixie St. John and Renee Sievert

The Senior Vice President who motivated a huge draft horse was not alone in her ability to fine-tune her own energy to create a productive bond with a horse. There was also the breast cancer survivor who was reminded that there is so much she can still do. And the business owner who realized that it was important to ask for help. And the COO who found her center after a trying and difficult several months in her work. And the executive whose entire department was eliminated in a re-org? She got her mojo back.

There is just something about being one-on-one in a round pen with a horse that shows you the fundamental truth about yourself.

In the afternoon, the group moved into a large, covered arena where two to three people worked together to herd a horse in an agreed upon pattern through cones, barrels and other structures. Oh, and they did it without saying a word to one another.

She Did It!

Another Vice President

One team of three run a division for a large organization. Our mantra for the entire 3-day retreat was “How you do one thing is how you do everything”, and never was this more clear than when the work team attempted the joint project of herding the horse. First, there were misunderstandings about where the horse was to go. Then, one person thought another person was supposed to do one thing, while that person expected someone else to do another thing. It was chaotic and until they got their own energy under control the horse was not going to budge. An inch.

Once the exercise was over and folks could talk, you should have heard the parallels they saw between their work in the office and their work in the ring. My guess is that they have now created a shorthand and a trust that will allow them to amp up their productivity in a way other people will notice.

It gave me the chills.

For me, Equus work is another access tool to get people crystal clear about who they are and what they bring to the world. As a coach, there’s nothing better than seeing a client completely get past a block and move toward what they truly want – and the horses provided a shortcut to that for everyone involved in the weekend.

As we unpacked the learning afterwards, I said to Renee, “You know, Equus work is really the ultimate 360 review,” and that’s what it really is.

That is, if you’re cool with getting notes on your performance from a 2,000 pound, four-legged colleague who can’t talk – but can still tell you a whole lot.