In Praise of Sleep

 

Bright Bedroom Decorated With White Flowers

Someone once asked me to define “extreme luxury.”  My  answer came quick and certain:

Going to sleep when you’re tired and waking up without an alarm. Now, that’s true luxury.

Having lived a life full of late nights and missed planes and small children and smaller dogs and international conference calls, I have maintained a tricky relationship with sleep.

Oh, sure, I learned how to dip into a twenty minute nap while on campaign planes. And I learned to sleep when the baby slept, even though there was work to be done.

I also learned that there is always work to be done.

Studies have shown that prioritizing sleep is the right way to go, because chronic sleep deprivation yields an enormous impact on the body and mind. Prolonged sleep deprivation, in fact, has the eerily similar effect of knocking back a few cocktails – your speech slurs, you get all wobbly and your reflexes are shot to hell.

Just no paper parasol as a souvenir.

Yet, somehow “getting by” on just a few hours of sleep has become a red badge of courage. As if only the weak need sleep. That if you’re really and truly Type A and worthy of victoriously standing astride the globe as a conqueror, you don’t need any stinkin’ sleep.

Only slackers need sleep.

Some folks point to the productive genius Thomas Edison who famously slept less than four hours a night and demanded the same relentless endurance from those who worked for him.

The last full measure of devotion when you’re doing something important, it seems, becomes sacrificing sleep in favor of productivity.

Which, naturally, makes the most extreme luxury that which flies in the face of such group think.

Such as sleeping when you’re tired and waking up when you’re good and ready.

I achieve this feat about once a month - often enough for me to realize it’s possible yet rare enough to feel like a true luxury.

That’s why it’s the perfect extravagance. Costs me nothing. Comes with no designer labels nor inscrutable instruction manuals.

Sleep is, I have realized, the gift I give myself as a reminder that my well-being matters. A lot.

And I feel like a million dollars after getting enough sleep. It never fails that the next day I feel fully equipped to take on the day and master it.

Those are the days when my motto is “Bring. It. On.”

So, if you’ve bought into the collective thought that those who sleep are lazy, unmotivated, loafing slackers, I invite you to try some extreme luxury – get some sleep.

For one night, put your alarm clock away. Keep your phone in the kitchen.

When you’re tired, go to bed.

And sleep until you wake up.

It’s a luxury that will utterly change your life.

 

How The Really Successful Get That Way

 

The pendulum certainly does swing.Pendulum Of Foucault In Pantheon Of Paris

Seems to me like we are in the widest part of the arc these days with…analytics. Maybe the better word is “metrics”. Or maybe “algorithms”.

Oh, shoot – let’s just say “math”, shall we?

I continually hear stories about how organizations are driving accountability by taskifying every single function of every single employee and then measuring them according to an allegedly quantifiable “goal”, though if you ask me there are so many things at work which just cannot be quantified.

Such as creating strong relationships with customers.

Such as mentoring the next generation.

Such as being a genuinely nice person.

I have railed against the Tyranny of the Bean Counters for some time. But in some ways I get it, I really do.

I realize that there are some people for whom nothing is real unless they can see it, touch it, taste it – and make a little check mark signifying that it’s been documented.

And I know there are some people who are deeply suspicious and are certain that everyone would take advantage of lax supervision and become total slackers if given half a chance. [because, perhaps, they fear that this is what they would do in that circumstance. Just sayin'.]

And then there are those who have worked for large consulting firms, which take bean counting to a whole new, quite expensive level.

These folks represent the far part of the pendulum’s arc and have created a unrelenting emphasis on quantification and numbers. But it’s my fervent hope that at some point the pendulum swings back and rests at the middle point, where there are good goals – but also where the unmeasurable is valued and appreciated.

Because, in the end, success is not driven by numbers but by meaning.

Doubt me?

A recent study led by Yale professor Amy Wrzesniewski and Swarthmore professor Barry Schwartz looked at motivation using a group of 11,320 West Point cadets. They wanted to learn if the most successful people are driven by an internal motive, or by what they call an “instrumental” or external motive, or a combination of the two.

One might think that successful people have a perfect balance of internal and instrumental motives. They care about their work, and they care about getting the corner office – doesn’t that sound like the right mix?

But, guess what? The study showed something…different.

People who are motivated solely by what others will think, or how much money they will make - instrumental motives - tend to be unsuccessful over time than those who are internally driven.

Interesting, huh?

So, what if you have a blend of both internal and instrumental motives?

“Remarkably, cadets with strong internal and strong instrumental motives for attending West Point performed worse on every measure than did those with strong internal motives but weak instrumental ones. They were less likely to graduate, less outstanding as military officers and less committed to staying in the military,” say the study authors.

Now, back to the bean counters.

This study clearly shows that they’ve got it all wrong. Giving people better job titles, more money, the corner office as a prod for increased performance? Not going to work.

OK, maybe you get some short-term results – and you can certainly check a box off a list – but over the long-term your organization won’t really be successful because you’ve transformed internal motives into instrumental ones, which are ultimately much, much weaker.

The researchers say, “Rendering an activity more attractive by emphasizing both internal and instrumental motives to engage in it is completely understandable, but it may have the unintended effect of weakening the internal motives so essential to success.”

Meaning. Purpose. Learning. Growth. This is what we all need to be successful.

So, if you want success, transform your focus. Shift your own personal internal motives – the Big Why of why you’re doing whatever it is you’re doing – toward what it means, how it helps, what you learn, how you grow.

And if by chance you have the power to transform an entire organization, get cracking on amping up theses collective senses in your people – starting from the top right on down.

Because, “Our study suggests that efforts should be made to structure activities so that instrumental consequences do not become motives. Helping people focus on the meaning and impact of their work, rather than on, say, the financial returns it will bring, may be the best way to improve not only the quality of their work but also — counterintuitive though it may seem — their financial success.”

And so the pendulum begins to swing back.

 

 

 

Mindfulness In The Real World

Open Your Mind Torn Paper 

 

When I have something I want to think through, I take a walk. If it’s a really big something, I get behind the wheel, take a nice, long drive and cogitate.

Yesterday I took a drive to help me work out a piece I wanted to write on mindfulness.

A few weeks ago, you see, I heard Krista Tippett interview Dr. Ellen Langer – the first woman to be tenured in psychology at Harvard – about the difference being mindful can make in our lives and I was intrigued. Research shows that people who are mindful tend to be happier, healthier and more successful.

What’s not to like?

You know, I’ve heard about mindfulness for years and, to be honest, it seemed like a lot of work. I mean, to achieve mindfulness, you have to sit. With your legs crossed. And repeat vowel sounds. And meditate.

But Langer’s research shows that mindfulness is much easier to reach than that. In fact, it can be achieved by just “actively noticing things.”

That, I can do.

So, on my drive yesterday, I set out to do it – to actively notice something. And I did.

I noticed that my neighbors have new textured shingles on their roof, and that a tree I suspected of being dead had been removed on the corner.

I noticed the red of the neon sign telling me that the nearby Lebanese restaurant was open for the day.

I noticed a riot of color in the new flowers at the local garden center.

And then, I noticed the elderly man trip on the sidewalk and fall into the street right in front of my car.

I noticed what it sounded like when I slammed on the brakes.

I noticed my heart rate zooming.

I noticed the care and concern of the woman walking with him, as she leaned over to try to help him up.

I noticed how my seat belt button felt as I released it, and how my feet felt as they hit the pavement.

I noticed that the man had a white beard, and white hair, and for a moment was reminded of Santa Claus.

I noticed that he fell again trying to get up.

I noticed how strong his grip was as he grabbed my elbow and got back to his feet.

I noticed the other cars that had stopped, and the twenty other people who were out of their cars rushing to help.

I noticed the worry on the face of the woman in the car behind me who had stopped diagonally, to protect me as I got out of my car.

I noticed the elderly man’s sense of humor when he said, “Well, see, I was just practicing falling down and now I guess I’ve got it all figured out!”

I noticed how good it felt to laugh a little.

I noticed the feel of the shopping bags I picked up from where they had been dropped by the couple, and what it was like to ask if I could call an ambulance or give them a ride somewhere. And the gratitude of the wife when she said, “No, we live right here. We’ll be fine” and then, “Thank you for everything.”

I noticed what it was like to see traffic stopped in both directions, people out of their cars, willing to lend a hand.

As I drove away, I noticed so many things. The sudden immediacy I’d just experienced was overwhelming. I still felt on high alert and then tears came to my eyes and I found it hard to breathe.

I was glad I had been able to help, but I wondered what might have happened had I been mindlessly driving. What if I hadn’t been focusing on actively noticing? If I hadn’t been present enough to see the elderly man falling right in the path of my oncoming car?

I choked back the tears and took a few deep breaths. And went back to active noticing.

Because this stuff totally works.

 

Time To Make A Statement

 

 

My daughter teaches me so much.Stage

A senior in high school, she’s recently been working on a one-person show for her Theatre IV final. As she writes the script and perfects her performance, she often needs to talk through the process. “Mom,” she said one evening, “my piece really needs to make a statement.”

I thought about that.

A statement.

A declarative avowal. A point of view.

It’s a rare thing these days, even amidst all the bloviating on talk radio and cable TV. It seems to me that so many of us work very hard to not make a statement at all. We’d do anything but have a distinct point of view.

Maybe it feels judgy to have a hard-and-fast opinion, especially for those of us who value harmony and belongingness most of all.

We don’t want to say anything that might trigger a feeling of separateness.

So we equivocate, and use our lips to form mewling, mealy-mouthed words that never really say what needs to be said.

Then wonder why no one really understands us.

We fail to make a real statement about who we are and what’s important to us. We never let anyone know who we are and what we think.

We hide.

If that’s what we brought to our own one-person show, we’d surely stink.

I couldn’t let go of this idea of “making a statement”. I began to question myself – where am I hedging a little? Where am I keeping safe by not having a point of view?

Fair enough to say that I rarely hedge… but there are definitely times when I smile and say nothing. Even when I disagree. Every time I do this, I feel smaller and smaller.

So today’s a good day for me to stop.

It’s time to consciously make a statement.

I’m going to set my intention at the start – who do I want to be? What do I want to say?

And then I’m going to say it.

In conversations, in coaching sessions, in blog posts, in my own self-talk. I’m going to say what I need to say. Not to hurt anyone or cause pain – I never want to hold that intention.

But in a way to express myself, and let myself be known. 

No more swallowing words, or going along to get along.

A statement. A point of view. An opinion.

That’s what I’m going to bring to the production that is this life of mine. I am going to let the curtain rise so you can see even more of who I really am.

And I will absolutely, 100% support you doing the exact same thing.

That’s what’s going to make this so damn much fun.

 

What If It IS Your Fault?

 

Sorry Charlie

 

Last time we talked about those of us who always feel like whatever’s happened is totally and 100% our fault.

We’re feel like we’re always wrong, so we apologize… for everything. Even for bumping into chairs.

And for those of us in this camp, the task ahead is to ratchet back the use of “sorry” and use it only when we really, really need it.

That advice is for the Apologetics in the crowd.

There’s a whole other crowd for whom sorry is important, too.

They’re the people who never, ever apologize. Never, ever accept responsibility for anything. These are the drama kings and queens who create trouble and then sneak out the side door, or lob responsibility onto bystanders.

You may recognize yourself here.

Or maybe not.

But the key signs that you might be the problem are:

  • you have a strong belief that anyone who says “sorry” is a weak wuss
  • you’re constantly telling yourself that the folks around you are too thin-skinned and/or can’t take a joke
  • things are consistently screwed up and it’s always everyone else’s fault

Any bells ringing yet?

I know it’s not easy to say, “Yep, that’s me all right!” because who wants to think about themselves as wrong, mistaken or – even – as a bully?

Sugar pop, if more than one of the bullets above describes you – it’s very likely that the problem is you.

And when it is you who is wrong, there’s a four-step process you can use. Especially if you’re going to stick around in the situation, and you’re going to stay in relationship with the people in your orbit.

When you have caused pain, you (1) apologize. Do (2) what you can to make it better. (3) Promise not to do it again. And then don’t do it again. Ever (4).

That is all you need to do.

But you have to be self-aware enough to figure out that you are the problem. This kind of self-awareness takes some work, but it really pays off.  Check this article from Forbes.com:

“Leadership searches give short shrift to ‘self-awareness,’ which should actually be a top criterion.  Interestingly, a high self-awareness score was the strongest predictor of overall success.  This is not altogether surprising as executives who are aware of their weaknesses are often better able to hire subordinates who perform well in categories in which the leader lacks acumen.  These leaders are also more able to entertain the idea that someone on their team may have an idea that is even better than their own.”  

Being self-aware enough to know when you need to apologize is a sign of strength whether you’re apologizing at home, at work, at the soccer game or at art class. Whether you’re a leader in a big organization or a Girl Scout leader. Or not leading anything at all.

A heartfelt apology is acknowledgement of your respect for the feelings of another human being. It’s a bid toward a closer relationship with another person. 

And, it’s the right thing to do.

If you have caused another person pain, or harmed them in any way, apologize. Do it quickly, openly and sincerely. And go out of your way to never repeat your mistake.

You will be the stronger for it, and you and everyone around you will be much happier, too.