lifeframeworks.com » Happier Living

Yes, This Is For You

Michele Woodward — Sun, 25 Jul 2010 14:03:35 +0000

In case you’re wondering, I’m writing this for you today. Because I know how much you struggle. I know how you try to be brave and strong, and try to be positive, and try so very hard to bring only good things into your life.

In an effort to preserve the peace, you’ve swallowed your words for years. Conflict or even the prospect of conflict – wow, that gives you an ache in the pit of your belly.

How can you be the person everyone expects you to be and say things that are hard to say? Harder to hear?

What if people heard what you really had to say, and then got mad? Caused a scene? Decided they didn’t like you? Fired you? Or left you?

Academics write books on effective communication and they always envision scenarios where both parties are equally committed to a positive solution. Like this actually happens in the real world. Usually, one timid person raises a difficult something and a bully turns into rubber and bounces the pain back. You’ve been there, haven’t you?

Honey, I know you. And I know just how hard this is – but I also know how much you suffer in silence.

Can I tell you something? Every time you refrain from saying what needs to be said, you lose a little bit of your self. A little bit of your strength. A little bit of what makes you, you. And one day you may wake up to find that there’s nothing left.

That’s the hollow and vacant space where your soul once was. That’s when you wonder who you are and if your life really has any meaning.

Don’t wait until you’re there. Start from right here. Pledge to yourself that you won’t walk away from the difficult subjects lodged in your heart. Be patient and gentle with yourself – it’ll be a bit overwhelming to start reversing the pattern, because you’ve been out of practice for years.

Know how wonderful children are? Know how they say the darnedest things? Kids have the honest heart to ask, “Why?” And they have the presence to say “ouch” when something hurts.

And here’s where I’d like you to focus – on being like a wonderful kid.

Simply say “ouch” when something hurts.

The easiest way to start having hard conversations is to focus on your own “ouch”. Too many of us face difficult people and difficult conversations with the intention that we’re going to win by getting someone else to change, or by getting them to validate us by telling us, by golly, that we’re right!

When where you have to start is by claiming your own voice, and knowing that simply expressing yourself is winning.

It doesn’t matter what the other person does. It doesn’t matter how they react. What matters is that you have claimed where you hurt, and what that means for you.

Of course, your pain ain’t nobody’s business but your own. So no blaming, and no name calling, OK? Simply state, “I feel …” and get it out there.

Sure, it’s scary. But start small. Don’t jump out of the box by confronting the biggest, baddest pain you’ve ever faced. Start with the small pain in the moment, be clear about what feels ouchy, use “I” statements and – guess what? – it’ll probably be no big deal to anyone else but you. And each time you recognize and voice your ouch, you’ll build your muscles, and feel stronger, and then you can tackle the larger and larger ouches.

Until the long-held pain is gone and all you have to do is manage the little bumps and scrapes you get in the course of a day.

Won’t that feel good? And instead of relentless, forced happiness, you’ll feel truly happy.

Which, my friend, is everything.

Stop Making Sense

Michele Woodward — Sun, 11 Jul 2010 18:10:30 +0000

If you’re like me, there are times in life when nothing seems to make sense. And maybe, like me, you stew and fret and figure and mull – all in an attempt to get the nonsense to make a teeny little bit of sense.

Because if you can understand it, you can make it fit into your general overview of How Life Works.

Psychologists call this your Sense Of Coherence, a phrase coined by Aaron Antonovsky in the late ’70s – “The extent to which one has a pervasive, enduring though dynamic feeling of confidence that one’s environment is predictable and that things will work out as well as can reasonably be expected.”

If you have a strong Sense of Coherence, you’re less likely to suffer from stress and can avoid all the resulting illnesses that arise from stress. You have a sense of well-being. Happiness. Joy, even. Making sense of stuff, then, is a really good thing.

But what about The Fizzie People? That’s no psychological term – that’s what I call people who have a disordered sense of coherence. Remember Fizzies? They were flavored tablets which you added to a glass of water to get a fruity-flavored, extremely bubbly drink. But the drink tasted weird, bubbled and bubbled, and ultimately generated a very largish burp. Which was hilarious in third grade. Not so funny now.

Fizzie People bubble and bubble, and leave a bad taste in other people’s mouths. They find even ordinary events overwhelming, baffling and puzzling, and often live chaotic, destructive, drama-filled lives.

There are a whole bunch of things that make no sense to me – people who abandon or hurt their children, people who hurt other people’s children, men who hate women, women who hate men, premeditated murder, knowingly allowing harm to happen – none of this computes in my noggin.

And I will admit that I have spent plenty of time trying to find a Sense of Coherence around things people do that are, generally, quite incoherent.

Until it occurred to me this week: the only way to understand something truly incoherent is to accept that it is, at its core, incoherent, and therefore only makes sense because it makes no sense.

OK, that sounds like a 3am bathtub conversation in the freshman dorm. Let me make it easier: If you keep saying, “This makes no sense! This is crazy!” then it’s probably crazy and will never make sense. So why invest any energy in trying to make any sense of it? Mulling, stewing, fretting and attempting to explain the inexplicable is a sure-fire way to destroy your own Sense of Coherence.

I’ve decided from now on to save myself the trouble. Paraphrasing the immortal words of The Talking Heads: I’m going to “Stop Trying To Make Sense.”

It’s unconditional, radical acceptance that not every problem in the world can be solved, and not every problem is mine to solve. Want to join me? Then let’s accept, and give a lot of space to, Fizzie People. They live incoherent lives, the poor dears, and they could use some specific professional psychological help to grow their sense of coherence and well-being. I said “professional” and “psychological” – which probably doesn’t mean you or me.

Save your energy. Understand what you understand. Be healthy. Be well. And keep the Fizzies at bay.

Freedom’s Twin Brother

Michele Woodward — Sun, 04 Jul 2010 12:11:28 +0000

Freedom is a precious, precious thing, bought with tears, with blood, with lives. We’ll fight wars for autonomy. Immigrants will travel the seas for independence. People will die for liberty.

I adore my personal freedoms, and will go to my grave supporting your right to have your own, too. It’s just that important.

But freedom has a twin brother, without whom freedom cannot exist.

And his name is courage.

Yes, courage is often what you think it is – facing down the gun barrel of an enemy and moving forward despite the risk. Courage is racing into a burning building to save lives. Courage is heroic, and in the moment, and the kind of thing we witness and say, “wow.”

But there is courage, sometimes, in just waking up. In breathing. In continuing to live. In choosing integrity. Day after day, despite the risks, being your best self. Making the small but tough choices. Teaching your children well.

Today, I will celebrate freedom. And I will also laud courage. Because when one is tested, both are tried.

Courage and freedom – hand in hand, building this country. And, every day, building our lives.

Let’s Play Ball

Michele Woodward — Sun, 27 Jun 2010 12:18:18 +0000

Do you know Seth Godin? OK, I don’t know Seth Godin – but my friend Pam does, so that makes me one degree of separation from Seth. [Just for the record, I am also one step from Kevin Bacon two different ways - Anne will write me later today to say, "He's my neighbor!", and Kevin played my friend Mike's dad in a film.

So, obviously, I win "Six Degrees of Kevin Bacon", thank you very much.]

But back to Seth.

Seth is a blogger. A writer. A thought leader. Every day, he writes a shortish blog post that usually prompts great thinking.

I say “usually” because, frankly, sometimes what he writes kinda misses. Sometimes it’s out there. Or just a bit off.

Which, naturally, reminds me of baseball.

Bear with me.

Do you know that the guy who has the all-time highest batting average in the history of baseball, Ty Cobb, failed two out of three times he was at the plate? Yep, Ty Cobb’s sterling average was .366, which means that he got one hit just about every three times he was at bat.

And he’s the all-time leader. All-time. Which, for those keeping score at home, means “amazing”.

So, it’s OK if Seth swings and misses once in a while. At least he’s in the batter’s box, taking a swipe at it.

Seth uses a word to describe being up at the plate – he calls it “shipping”. His point, and it’s a good one, is that shipping – being out there doing what you do – is more important than being perfect.

And here’s where so many people struggle. They anguish, and languish, and never, ever ship. Because what they’re doing has to be perfect. Because every time they stand at the plate, they have to hit a home run.

Which, is, of course, statistically impossible.

I shipped last week. I launched the 5 Questions That Can Change Your Life. I wrote it on Monday and tested it, talked about it, edited it, and put it up for sale by Sunday. This past Friday, I did a class about the 5 Questions, which you can download here.

Hundreds of people have been exposed to this idea in the last week, and tell me that they’re clearer and have a better direction as a result. For that, I am gratified.

But most of all, I’m really happy that I shipped.

I didn’t anguish, or languish. I got it out there.

Using this same strategy, my new book I Am Not Superwoman: Further Essays on Happier Living, should be available next month. (I receive the physical proof this week!) But here’s what you need to know – this collection of essays took a little over two months to go from manuscript to physical book. No anxiety, no hand-wringing, no second guessing. Why? Because my focus was on shipping, and shipping soon.

So let me ask you this simple question: where do you need to ship? Where do you need to get in that batter’s box and take a swing?

Kiddo, stop sitting in the bleachers, a spectator at the game of your own life. Get in there. Take a swing. Because, statistically speaking, one of these at-bats you’re going to get a hit. And it just might be a homer.

Michele’s Feast

Michele Woodward — Sun, 20 Jun 2010 13:27:05 +0000

I’ve decided that there are no coincidences – only opportunities for me to open up and learn.

Last night I found myself with unexpected time to myself. I’m sure all you single parents of teenagers understand exactly what I’m talking about. I had no plans but was utterly delighted with having no plans. My blog post was written, my to-dos all done, my day complete. I happily whipped up an egg salad sandwich and paired it with a cold glass of pinot grigio (an odd but inspired summer combo, if I do say so myself) and parked myself on the couch, remote in hand, intent on finding a movie to watch.

A movie that I picked. Me. For me. No compromising on comedy when I wanted drama. No action when I wanted love. It could be anything I wanted. Anything.

Ah, the delicious freedom.

There were hundreds of free options. Feeling all giddy, I only perused high definition films. Ha! Still hundreds to choose from. Then I stopped. “Babette’s Feast.” I had seen it. Hadn’t I liked it? It was free, so I thought, “Oh, I’ll just watch a little and if it’s awful I’ll watch something else!” [imagine the power!]

Darlings, in just a few moments, Babette’s Feast became Michele’s Feast. I was utterly drawn in.

Do you know the movie? Based on a story by Karen Blixen, the Danish writer also known as Isak Dinesen, the film follows the two daughters of an austere pastor as they deny themselves joy, love, pleasure and opportunity in order to support the work of their father. Over time, they quietly become old women, living together in rigid self-denial, keeping the memory of their father alive.

Into their lives blows Babette, a refuge from political upheaval in France. For fourteen years, Babette lives with the sisters, caring for them and for their small fishing community, mirroring their simple, unadorned life, until one day she wins the French lottery – 10,000 francs – and asks if she can prepare a real French dinner in honor of the deceased pastor’s 100th birthday.

Here’s where it gets really good.

After fourteen years of cautious living, Babette pours her heart and soul into the meal. She carefully obtains fresh fruits, exotic meats, fine wines, exquisite cheeses. She prepares the feast with care, with joy, with creativity, with expertise.

And when the meal is served, the reserved, anti-sensual, closed up, bitter, sniping guests become transformed – they actually taste their food. They enlarge their senses. They are drawn together. They find that they love one another, and themselves.

The meal is a triumph.

And Babette is broke, having spent her entire lottery winnings on the meal.

When one of the sisters laments that Babette will now spend the rest of her life poor, Babette replies, “An artist is never poor.”

Got me right there. An artist is never, never poor.

Then, Babette reveals that she had been head chef at a remarkable Paris restaurant, shrugs and says, “I was able to make them happy when I gave of my very best.”

Not only did Babette make others happy – she made herself happy when she gave of her amazing gifts. But wait – Babette’s final words in the film: “Throughout the world sounds one long cry from the heart of the artist – ‘Give me the chance to do my very best.’”

It’s no coincidence that I watched this film last night, because I needed a reminder that my best is all I want to do. My very best. As a woman, as a mother, as a coach, as a creator, and, yes, as an artist.

You, too, are an artist like Babette – even if you aren’t conscious of your creative power. Every day you have the chance to do your very best. Every day you have the power to live via your senses. Every day you have the opportunity to create something new. Every day you can serve others with your creativity. Every day. Remember that.

And, you artist, you – remember that the true richness in life is truly and utterly your own creation.

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