Power Talk

Last week our Results Club session featured a fascinating conversation (if I do say so myself) with John Kador, author of 201 Best Questions To Ask On Your Interview, among plenty of other books.

John was talking about how to answer that old job interview chestnut, “So. Tell me a little about yourself.” John’s suggested response? “I’d be happy to tell you about myself, but first, may I ask a question?”

If you were the interviewer, what would you say? I’d say, “Sure, go ahead.”

And, guess what? By asking a question first, you’ve effectively changed the course of the conversation. You have the full attention of the interviewer and you are now in charge.

Don’t blow the opportunity.

John suggested you ask a question that is eerily similar to my Best Job Interview Question Ever: “What expectations do you have for this position?”

Great question. Because the answer tells you exactly what you need to focus on when you talk about yourself, your strengths and your skills.

And, I was thinking.

As I am wont to do.

Today, it’s as much about keeping a job as it is getting a job. And to keep your job you need to make sure people know how you’re contributing and how you’re fulfilling their needs.

Why not use this question — “what are your expectations for me in the coming months?” — with your boss, or your board, or, if you’re brave enough, with your subordinates? Why not use this question to touch base, and to “sell” yourself and your abilities?

Wouldn’t it be great to deliver exactly what someone wants and needs?

Wouldn’t that make you completely irreplaceable?

Looking Forward

So, did you make your list of 25 things you accomplished in 2008? I heard from many of you who did, and several of you who intend to make a list. Which is lovely. Still others told me that they ran over their accomplishments in their heads. So, progress was made on many fronts. I’m a very happy coach.

This week, let’s do something really cool. Let’s look forward.

Let’s pretend it’s December, 2009.

What would you like your list of 25 Accomplishments for 2009 to look like?

Ah, my spidey-sense suggests that you’re intrigued, and already thinking. Excellent.

Here are a couple of questions to aid your idea flow:

• What do you want more of in your life? That you already have? That you don’t have?
• What do you complain about most? How can you address it or solve it so you free up your time and energy?
• What do you do when you lose track of time? Do you do it enough?
• When are you at your best?
• What’s one positive change you know you can make?

Some ideas percolating in that noggin of yours? Hope so. Here’s what you do — take a piece of paper and write down all of your thoughts. Then ask yourself this whopper of a question:

• When I’m living my best life, what will I have? What will I be? What will I do?

Good one, huh? OK, from all of this cogitating, you should begin to see a pattern emerge. Now, I do love me a good to-do list. However, an endless to-do list can feel like a burden, so unless you are absolutely, 100% motivated to tick off a list: simplify, simplify, simplify.

You may see, based on your answers to the questions above, that your stuff breaks down in to categories. If you notice, for instance, that you have a lot of goals around losing weight, getting into shape, doing something about your hair, finally getting that operation… you may want to make a category called, “Personal Well-Being”, and make a goal of “Taking care of my body and my health.” See? How much easier to keep that top-of-mind rather than forty-five “to-dos”.

Plenty of people I work with have a real strong tug toward being connected with other people. It’s a biggie. So I often suggest this little exercise: “What would it FEEL like to be connected to people?” For any goal, when you let yourself experience what it will feel like in your body, it’s so much easier to recognize it when it actually happens.

And, you have to work at it. You may be like the woman I spoke with this week — longing for deep connection, yet work consumes her life. Here’s her schedule: Wake up. Go to work. Come home. Too exhausted to do anything but sleep. Sleep. Wake up. Start over (sounds suspiciously like a rut to yours truly).

To achieve her goal of having more connection in her life, she is going to have to make some changes. Something has got to give, and I’ll be the one to say it — it has to be her work. You can work smarter, not harder, as you may have heard. She will have to start making room for volunteer activities, friends, classes and, dare I say it? Fun. She’s going to have to risk a little bit — exchanging the comfort of the known rut for the uncertainty of possibility. If she can do it, she’ll get the connection she wants. And still do great things at work. I absolutely guarantee it.

When you take the time to consciously consider what’s really best for you — what inspires you and strengthens you and fires you up — then you can confidently create a plan to make sure you spend more time with those things, and less time with the things that keep you stuck in that nasty old rut.

And, when you do, just think: what a list of accomplishments you’ll have this time next year!

Looking Back

Can you believe it’s December? Before we know it, it’ll be January and we’ll have both feet firmly planted in 2009. Yikes.

This is a great time to look back at 2008, and take its measure. How was your year? Think back. Did you make any resolutions — and did you meet ‘em?

[uncomfortable silence.]

OK, I hear you. Let’s look back in a different way. Take out a piece of paper. I want you to write down 25 things you accomplished in 2008. I’ll do it, too. Here goes:

1. Took out the trash and recycling every week.

Hey, believe me, that is an accomplishment.

2. Paid off and closed two credit cards.
3. Got my mammogram.
4. Started writing an advice column at BettyConfidential.com.
5. Met, then exceeded, my goals for my coaching practice.
6. Never forgot my kids’ orthodontist appointments.
7. Got my roof fixed.
8. Did more public speaking.
9. Stuck to my budget.
10. Made time for my friends.
11. Volunteered to chair a committee.
12. Went to the dentist twice.
13. Taught more classes.
14. Co-chaired my high school reunion.
15. Re-connected with old friends.
16. Took my kids to a baseball game at the new Nationals Park.
17. Published my book.
18. Held a yard sale.
19. Chaperoned a 6th grade field trip.
20. Got a new stove, fridge, dishwasher and microwave. Fun week.
21. Paid my taxes.
22. Took good risks.
23. Read 47 books.
24. Got national press coverage.
25. Laughed often.

What’s your list like? What does it tell you about your unspoken goals — your real resolutions, if you want to call them that — for 2008? My list reveals that taking care of my own physical and financial health, and the well-being of my kids, was paramount. It appears I also served my goal of being connected — with people, with my community and with myself. How about you? What did you do?

2008 was an up-and-down year for so many of us. You had the money in March to plan for a vacation in December, but now wonder if you can really afford to take it. We had $4 gas in August, and $1.75 gas in November. We’ve had lay-offs, foreclosures and financial melt-downs. Plenty of us have lost loved ones or faced serious illness. It would be easy to say, “Ick! 2008 was horrible!” yet your list may tell a different story.

Even in a difficult year, you did stuff. You made progress. You accomplished. That’s where you need to focus — not on all the up-and-down-ness. Believe it or not, your best 2009 resolutions will spring from the list of what you’ve done this year.

So spend some time cataloguing and acknowledging your accomplishments, and next week we’ll take a look forward and spell out some achievable goals — so you can make 2009 your best year yet.

Doing Enough?

Raise your hand if you feel like you’re not doing enough.

Accomplishments? Nothing major. Rewards? Few. Performance? Not as good as it could be. What still needs to be done? Everything.

If this sounds familiar, then you probably were on the phone with me this week, or buttonholed me at that party Friday night.

It seems so many people look at themselves with utter disappointment. What they do doesn’t matter, and if it does matter then talking about it is bragging so… let’s not talk about it. No time to rest. No time to reflect. More stuff to do. Got to keep moving.

The problem with this mindset is pretty clear. Thinking this way ratchets your stress level up to 11 on a 10 point scale, and never allows you the satisfaction of a job well done. When there’s no satisfaction in what you’re doing, there’s no way to like what you’re doing.

A man has a performance review at work. His supervisor and peers consistently rate his work at 4s and 5s, on a 5 point scale. He, however, rates himself at a 1 or a 2 on all categories. He’s mystified at how his co-workers can rate him so high — he doesn’t believe them. Don’t they know he’s a failure? He could be doing so much more.

A woman feels she’s disappointing her husband because she’s not a gourmet cook, and her housekeeping skills are not so hot, especially with the baby in the picture and given her full-time job. She spends a lot of time apologizing. He says there’s nothing to apologize about — he loves the food she cooks and thinks she’s a wonderful mother. She doesn’t believe him. Doesn’t he know she’s a failure? She could be doing so much more.

Her husband feels he’s disappointing her because he’s not making as much money as her brother, and he’s not as good with a power tool as most men. She tells him she’s proud of his work and that power tools aren’t that important, that she loves him and he’s a good father. He doesn’t believe her. Doesn’t she know he’s a failure? He could be doing so much more.

So whaddya gonna do? Well, let me suggest two things.

First, ask yourself: What will success look like? Put yourself in the successful mindset. What’s your life like then? Make a list of all the elements that compose your successful life.

Now, look at your list. How realistic is it? How much is under your direct control? If success looks like taking time to write — you can do that. If success looks like everyone obeying your commands with no argument — you can’t do that, sadly, even if you became a dictator. Dictators often die horribly messy deaths in their attempts to squash the thoughts and behaviors of others — and who wants that?

Understand where your unrealistic definitions of success come from (”I want people to obey me because I hate arguments”) and, instead of banging your head against the wall, learn some techniques to disagree effectively. You can start with the book Crucial Conversations by Patterson, Grenny et al.

Second, take a few minutes to look at what you’ve really accomplished. At this time of year, I always sit down and write out 20 Things I Have Accomplished This Year. They can be ordinary things like: got the trash to the curb every week. Think that doesn’t matter? Hey, what’s the alternative? A huge pile of smelly trash spilling out all over your yard? Believe me, getting the trash to the curb matters! As does paying your bills on time, or getting a physical, or a colonoscopy, or training a new employee at the office. Getting through the budget process, or caring for an elderly parent, or making your kid’s school lunches — they all matter. And you’ve accomplished all of them.

But you haven’t cured cancer. Or won the Nobel Peace Prize (unless you’re Al Gore). OK. But your best friends and closest family would likely give you a prize for all you do for them. Am I right?

My guess is that you are probably doing enough. More than enough. Acknowledging that and giving yourself credit for it can help reduce your stress level. And, looking a hard look at your expectations of success laid next to your actual accomplishments can provide a roadmap for your future success. Your roadmap may show that you need to reallocate your time and attention — and spend more time creating meaningful success and less time wallowing in your perceived failure.