I Am Not Superwoman


There appear to be many women who hope to convince themselves and the rest of us that they are perfect. Hair — perfectly coiffed, colored and curled. Body — athletic and toned. Wardrobe — trendy, sexy and stylish. Children — well-behaved high achievers. Husband — handsome, wealthy, attentive.

They think they need to be Superwoman. They want everything to be perfect.

But, honey, I know what’s going on inside.

In the push to be perfect, they feel anything but. Life is a series of experiences where they are not enough, and can’t possibly do enough. They look at the women around them and feel inferior, and hide that they’re totally struggling to keep up. They grit their teeth and smile through the stress of Superwoman expectations.

Because I’m a life coach, people often expect me to live that perfect life. Yesterday I was in a shop that sells my book Lose Weight, Find Love, De-Clutter & Save Money: Essays on Happier Living and the store manager said, looking down her aquiline nose at me, “Do you live what you write?” I smiled sweetly and said, “Absolutely.”

And I do. But let me share a little something that may just make tomorrow a little easier for all you would-be Superwomen:

I am not Superwoman. Not even close.

Sometimes my only wardrobe concern is: Am I clean?

My house generally, at all times, needs vacuuming.

I have been known to feed my children take-out.

I often forget to return phone calls and am terrible at remembering birthdays.

I can overbook my calendar.

I am divorced.

No, I’m not Superwoman. And I’m really, really glad for that. Because what I am is 100% Michele. I have four priorities and if I can handle those every day, I am doing a pretty good job. Want to know what they are? Be present with my kids and everyone else I meet. Care for my physical, financial, emotional and spiritual health. Learn. Lead.

That’s it. That’s all. Hair, nails, make-up, shoes? If I get to it, I get to it.

Yep, I am Imperfecta Girl, and I absolutely 100% love my perfectly imperfect life.

If you’re struggling to get it right, to be perfect, to have it all, let me ask you: Can you get to the place where you give up attempting to be a mythical Superwoman, and find the place where you’re a true Imperfecta Girl — authentically yourself, happy with exactly what you have, comfortable in your own skin, serving your own priorities? Go on, give it a try. All you have to lose is stress. All you have to gain is your true self. And it will be absolutely OK with me if you don’t do it perfectly.

Repeal HAFTA!


It’s a political year, friends. So give me a minute to scramble up on my soapbox while I enter the fray.

Ahem.

There’s a lot of talk about change these days. Change with a purpose is a good thing. It’s time for big change, ladies and gentlemen. And I am going to propose a sweeping change for the American people — no, a sweeping change for the people of the world.

I’m not talking about ending taxes, or cutting social programs, or combating global climate change. I’m not talking about reform of labor laws, or a change to the legislative process. I’m not advocating a repeal of the Part 33 Rewrite of the Telecommunications Act. I’m not going to open that can of worms. Nor am I going to discuss NAFTA.

No, it’s not NAFTA I’m after. It’s “hafta”.

Friends, it’s time we stop allowing ourselves to be overwhelmed and stressed by all the things we hafta do. It’s time to stand strong and declare that hafta is done, finished and over. There are no more things we hafta do. There are only things we choose to do.

The other morning, a beautiful, blue spring morning, I was driving along enjoying the blooming dogwoods, the eye-popping redbuds and the luminous rhododendrons along my route. At a stoplight, I spied a fit, spandex-clad woman pushing a jogging stroller. Her face was drawn up in a scowl, her body was tight, and she was pushing that stroller like Sisyphus with his rock. Only she was running downhill.

“Where’s the joy?” was my first thought. There she was, on a staggeringly beautiful morning, out with her baby in the sunshine! What’s not to like? But it was as if she was doing penance, or submitting to a purgative. Her body language transmitted, “I am doing this only because I have to. Everyone knows a baby has to be out in the fresh air at least twice a day. I can’t wait until this is over.”

Poor child.

How different if that woman were to turn her point-of-view around and say, “I am the luckiest woman on the face of the planet to have the opportunity to be out with my darling child on such a gorgeous morning.” Imagine her body language under those circumstances.

Imagine your own.

What if your to-do list was blank, and the only things you had to do were things you are happy to do? That you choose to do? That give you energy and buoy your mood? Or, to use an idea of my friend and fellow coach Sharon Pfleiger, what if you could spend your time solely on the things on your “Get-To List”? As in “I get to plant my garden” or “I get to spend time with my best friend”, or, my favorite, “I get to say what I feel.”

Sure, there are things we don’t like to do. Personally, I’m not too fond of trash duty. However, it must be done. I try to do this chore quickly and efficiently so I don’t spend a ton of time on it. The recycling is sorted during the week, the bins are taken to the curb every Tuesday, and the compost pile gets a donation nearly daily. Could be yucky stuff. By not putting it off, or extending the amount of time it takes to finish the task, I make it easy — which frees up time for me to do something I really like. Something from my get-to list.

Like take a walk with my kid.

When you find yourself so governed by have-tos that you have no time for get-tos, then it’s time for change. It’s time for hope. It’s time, ladies and gentlemen, to repeal HAFTA.

Either/Or


“I can stay in my job and have enough money, or I can do what I love and be broke.”

“I can’t be happy as long as I’m married to Clyde.”

“Since I have been a full-time parent for the last ten years, the only job I can possibly get won’t pay very much.”

All statements I have heard in the last month — that’s true.

But they’re not true statements. Sure, they feel true to the folks saying them, but they’re really either/or, black/white statements. They’re what’s called “limiting beliefs”. Either/or statements like this serve a great purpose — they keep us pretty well stuck.

Because… is it true that you have to be broke to do what you love? Hmmmn. Oprah looks like she loves what she does and she’s doing all right. Bill Gates? He seems pretty happy. Steve Jobs is passionate about what he does, and he gets all the IStuff he can use. Bono gets to be a multi-millionaire rock star AND do good while wearing cool sunglasses.

Either/or statements serve as fear-based predictors of what’s going to happen. If you go into a job interview with the mindset, “Since I’ve been a full-time parent for 10 years, I can’t ask for too much” — guess what? You won’t. Confidence in your own self-worth is reflected in that thought, and you telegraph it to everyone you meet. How much stronger to say, “Even though I’ve been out of the workforce for 10 years, I bring great skills and excellent contacts — I’m worth what they’ve budgeted for this position’s salary.”

Living in black/white, either/or land is one way to make sure you’re always right. “I can’t be happy if I’m married to Clyde” — a popular kind of statement. Saying this, you will discard any experience that might show that you could be happy, or, heaven forbid, that you actually like Clyde. You will pursue, or maybe even create, opportunities to be unhappy with Clyde. What if you turned it around and figured ways to see if you could be happy with Clyde, oh, like, let’s see: counseling, mutual hobbies, actually talking to him…

Often when we “can’t be happy” it’s not because of someone else, but because of something within ourselves. And we owe it to the Clydes of the world to work on that before laying our own dissatisfaction at their feet.

Living in the gray between black/white is the challenge, and the gift. It’s saying, “I can lose weight while eating fewer carbs.” It’s saying, “I may have to start the work I love on the side or as a volunteer, while I keep my job for the income.” It’s “I can be happy with or without Clyde — it’s up to me.”

There are “motivational speakers” out there who tout the idea “You CAN have it all.” Which is, poppets, yet another black/white statement. The beauty of living in the gray is replacing “either/or” with “and”. It’s so much more balanced to believe, “I can have some of this and some of that,” or, even more true, “I can have whatever I need.”

Contrary to popular belief, life is not all or nothing. The key to getting unstuck is getting un-attached to the either/or thoughts that immobilize us, and recognizing them for the limiting beliefs they are.

In fashion, it’s often said that this color or that color is the “new black”. In life, the key to happiness is replacing black/white with the best of both — to live in the shades of gray that are truly flattering.

Getting Back To Work


Show me a woman 40 to 55 years old who’s been home with her kids, and I’ll bet you she’s had this thought at one point or the other: “Maybe I should go back to work.” And with the magic of my all-knowing, all-seeing swami-like brainpower, I’ll bet she’s also said, “Who’d hire someone like me, who’s gone 15 years without a pay check?”

It’s not that I’m able to read minds. I usually can’t. Rather, I am able to listen, and plenty of women are talking about how to transition back to work.

As a coach, I’ve been able to successfully help at-home moms find their way back meaningful and lucrative employment. Want to know how?

Know what you’re good at, and what you like to do.
Just because you worked 70 hours a week as a partner in a law firm, doesn’t mean you have to do that now. Many former highly skilled women forecast ahead and see a very black or white future, when it comes to going back to work. “I have to go back as a full-time partner or I can’t go back at all.” Not so, grasshopper. You are smarter and wiser than you were then. Just make an inventory of what was best of what you did in your job, and add in the things you like about what you’re doing now. There may be similarities, or eye-popping opportunities that arise from a crosshatch of your past and your present.

The gap won’t matter to people who know what you can do. Over 70% of jobs are filled by personal referral, so rely on your network of contacts — both from your professional days and from your at-home days. Let’s say you were a ferocious litigator who became a ferocious advocate for diversity in your children’s school. Perhaps you could go to a non-profit dedicated to diversity and offer your services. They might not need you full-time, but they might help you find your Bridge Job.

Love the beauty of the “Bridge Job”. The beauty of what I call the “Bridge Job” is that it’s often short-term, project-oriented, working for someone who knows you and has a specific need. Often the Bridge Job is just a means to an end — with the end being your next job. I recently coached a wonderful woman whose Bridge Job was in the Federal Government, working for a former boss. This position gave her a perch from which she could do good work, build her network, establish a salary level and get her self-confidence. I am pleased to announce that she recently left the government for a big, hot-shot job on Wall Street.

There was a time when I was a full-time mom, at home with my wonderful kids. Although I enjoyed my time in corporate America, and truly loved working at the White House, mothering my children was just about the best experience I ever had. But like a lot of women, at a certain point time and events collided, so I went back to work.

In some ways, I took an easy path — I re-started my consulting/coaching practice. And starting a business that reflects your own values, can be an excellent way to go forward. I am coaching several woman-owned small businesses as they grow and develop — and watching the institutionalization of things like flexibility and Bridge Jobs and openness is truly inspiring.

I am also coaching women who are taking the harder path: re-entering the corporate workplace. Their big fears? Who will hire someone with an “employment gap”? If they do get a job, will they have to work 70 hour weeks? Will they have flexibility? Will they have seniority?

Fortunately, the picture is beginning to shift for women re-entering the workforce. Sylvia Hewlett’s new book Off-Ramps and On-Ramps: Keeping Talented Women On The Road To Success (Harvard Business School Press), provides an excellent template for corporations and organizations to follow to ease the non-linear careers of women.

Attention all HR executives, recruiters and C-level folks who read this blog (and there are many of you): You need to get this book and take a long, hard look at the realities hiring futurists predict. Disqualifying candidates simply because they took time off to care for children, or elders, or their own health, eliminates a talented and vital portion of highly qualified individuals. Developing innovative ways to recruit, retain and support these people may just be the key to your long-term business success.

What Hewlett calls “The White Male Career Model”– continuous, goal-oriented movement; full time employment and office face time; ‘catching the wave’ of a big promotion in your 30s; primarily motivated by money — is falling by the wayside. I wrote about the differences between men and women a few weeks ago. If you recall, I suggested men are goal-oriented and women are experience-oriented in many aspects of life. Hewlett supports this idea with research that shows women — regardless of whether they have children or not — are more motivated by the connections they make in their work, and balance, than in monetary rewards. “The Female Career Model” then, would include nonlinear careers; a mix of full/part-time/project work; an ability to pass up promotions selectively; a focus on connections and experience over money. Hewlett’s research shows that women really want to ‘give back’ in their work — and be fairly compensated, naturally. But waving more money in front of a woman to get her to comport to the White Male Career Model is going to be an attempt that fails.

What she needs, and values, is connection, flexibility, and a culture that drops the stigma surrounding ‘dropping out’ or ‘cutting back’.

Before I close, I want to tell you about a friend of mine who worked in politics and government. She was a very successful and well-regarded human resources executive. Then she married (a great guy) and they had children. My friend stepped back from her work and became an at-home mother. After the disputed 2000 election, she was called to “help” with the mountains of personnel paperwork piling up. It was a short-term position that ended up going something like 18 months. She went back to mothering. Then, she was approached about taking a big, full time job in the government, which she did. She called me one day and said, “Anyone can do this, Michele. It’s not hard. You don’t lose your skills — it all comes back!” Today, this friend of mine serves as one of the highest ranking women in the White House — she’s Anita McBride, former at-home mom, now Chief of Staff to the First Lady.

You can go back to work after a gap in your employment history. It’s possible. Target people who know you, and know what you can do. Aim for a Bridge Job as you transition from one stage of your life to another. Select people and organizations who prize flexibility and other values important to you.

And, remember what Anita said, “You don’t lose your skills — it all comes back!”