You are here: Home / Archives for attitude shift

You.

October 18, 2009 By 3 Comments

A few years ago I wrote about how many messages we get everyday not-so-subtly telling us that there is some pill, some diet, some program, some magical thingy, that will allow us to lose weight, find love, de-clutter and save money. The sassy essay was so popular it became the title of my book.

But as I said then and I’ll say now, the key to making changes in your life is not in some external thingy — it’s a totally internal thingy. It’s you. When you like yourself and support yourself and do good things for yourself, you will be at the right weight, you will be in love, your clutter will be what you want it to be, and you will be financially healthy.

Easier said than done?

Yes. Exactly.

The key to liking yourself is in the words you use. Use the right words the right way and the world becomes your oyster. Unless you don’t like oysters, in which case, the world becomes your… playground. And if you don’t like playgrounds… well, what do you like?

And that’s precisely it. If you can be conscious of every time you say negative words, like “don’t”, “no”, “can’t”, “won’t”, and “shouldn’t”, you’ll see just how negative your self-talk is. Which may be just the thingy that’s holding you back.

To move forward, teach yourself — every single time you say a negative word — to immediately turn it around to something positive. So, “I don’t want to work for an ego-centric jerk” leads right into “but I do want to work for someone smart with a good sense of humor.”

Instead of focusing your energy on what you won’t do (negative), you are shifting to what you will do (positive). Which allows you to see possibilities rather than limits. Which makes happy instead of stuck. Which means that when we’re not blinded by negativity, we can open our eyes and see good things happen.

There’s another language tic that deserves shifting. It’s when we disassociate from ourselves by using the word “you”. As in when someone’s explaining their job and they say, “You want to do a good job and everything, but you’re concerned that you’ll get taken advantage of because the boss is a bully.”

You’ve heard this before. You’ve probably even said it yourself. More than once.

And maybe we human beings talk this way because what we’re saying is so close to our hearts. Or feels really emotional. So we get a little separation by using “you” rather than “I”. Or maybe we are trying to make some connection with the person we’re talking with, as in “Please tell me you’ve had this experience, too.” Or maybe we’re just so distant from our real selves that we can’t claim our individuality by using a singular pronoun.

Which is kind of sad.

But think about the power if you were to say, “I want to do a good job and everything, but I’m concerned that I’ll get taken advantage of because the boss is a bully.” Wow. Now you’re talking. Now you’re claiming. Now, rather than some vague “you”, it’s a specific “I”. It’s “me”.

And I count. And I matter. And I am claiming how I feel and what I know. And what I’m going to do now.

I know for a fact that when I took these two steps — stating positively what I will do, and using “I” rather than “you” to refer to myself — my life began to be my own. Things got easier. Life got better. On the Happiness Meter, I was often at 11 on a scale of 1 to 10. [OK, what's a blog post without a Spinal Tap reference, I ask you?]

And the promise is there for you, too. Be conscious of where your language is negative and disassociated from the “I”, and shift it. I know you can do it. The world will be your oyster. Or your playground. It’s your choice.

Filed Under: Authenticity, Clarity, Happier Living Tagged With: , , , , , 3 Comments

What Makes A Priority?

July 12, 2009 By 2 Comments

“I have priorities I can’t seem to get to.  What’s that all about?” she asked.  I nodded wisely because I really enjoy that, and people seem to expect it.  I’ve found that when I giggle at serious questions, people get all testy. So I chose the sagacious treatment and said:

“The deal with priorities is this:  if it doesn’t feel urgent, it’s not a priority.  If you don’t wanna, you’re not gonna. When there’s no urgency, it’s more like a dream, or a goal, or an idea.”

I wrote about this a few years ago — You Gotta Wanna. When you really, really wanna, you really, really will. Honest. Nothing will get in your way. Not even those chirping chronic excuse magpies — no time, no money, no knowledge — will  stand in your way.

If you wanna, you will.  And that’s what makes a priority.

To illustrate this point, let me turn to that classic book of literature  He’s Just Not That Into You by Greg Behrendt and Liz Tuccillo (which I happen to own in the hardcover first edition, by the way). To quote Liz quoting Greg: “…if a (sane) guy really likes you, there ain’t nothing that’s going to get in his way.”  Greg also says, “When a guy is into you, he lets you know it. He calls, he shows up, he wants to meet your friends, he can’t keep his eyes or hands off of you…”

Exactly.  There’s a sense of urgency.  Of keen interest.  Of priority.

Feeling murky on your own priorities?  Or, worse, paying lip service to something that never seems to get done (like, for instance, any sentence you start with, “One of these days, I’m going to…”)?

Maybe you just need to get clear on your priorities.  How?  Cinchy. All you need to know is this: Where you put your time reveals your true priorities.

So, think about it.  Where are you spending your time?

What does that tell you about your real priorities?

Sure, your priorities at the moment might be chasing toddlers, or monitoring teen driving habits, or taking care of an ill parent. That’s the reality of the moment for many of us.

Why not just own that?  Rather than beating yourself up for not getting your website up, or for not losing 30 pounds, or not finding the elusive cure for cancer while operating the lunar rover and simultaneously conducting the London Symphony. You know, the usual lofty expectations we have for our own performance.

Aren’t we supposed to aim high? Live big?  I dunno.  What feels big for me might feel minuscule to you, and vice versa.  That’s why I never feel comfortable arguing with someone else about their priorities.  We’re each the expert on our own lives and priorities that come with shoulds (as in, “You really should…”) put someone else in the expert’s chair. We end up serving their priorities, rather than our own.

One thing I know for sure — priorities certainly can be aspirational.  I have a priority to be a good enough mother.  I know, shooting really high with that “good enough”. But in the moments when I find myself less-than-present, I can say, “Michele, you have a priority around parenting — snap out of it and serve your priority, kiddo.”  And I do.

Because I really wanna be a good enough mother.  Don’t have to be a super-mom, or a cover-girl mom. I especially don’t have to be a perfect mom.  Lord knows that’s an impossible, losing objective.  And a whole other blog post.

When you are clear on your priorities and line up your time, attention and energy behind them, I am here to tell you — nothing will stand in your way.  Whatever you want to accomplish, you will. You will be the proverbial hot knife through butter, my friend, and you will find that the thing you are really into is… your own success.

Filed Under: Clarity, Getting Unstuck, Managing Change Tagged With: , , , , , 2 Comments

Reeling In The Years

July 4, 2009 By 3 Comments



She was born in 1914.  Before World Wars. Before Great Depressions.  When horses and wagons were more prevalent than cars and trucks.  When food came from the garden out back, and eggs were laid by chickens who had names.

I guess I first met her about 70 years later at a football game, notable because it was where she learned to do The Wave.  Which she did with elegance, grace and her own sense of rhythm.

And today, I helped celebrate her birthday.

Because Julia Munroe Woodward has lived for 95 years.

Nearly 80 people gathered to honor her at a party in her childhood home — all descendants, or, like me, folks who married in (and even a few of us who married in, got unmarried, but stayed in).  In the southern tradition, she’s called Miss Julia, or Mama, or Grandmama, or Gigi. That last being the pet name used by the great-grandchildren. All 35 of ‘em.

You see, her six children had children who had children, so it was quite a crowd. To tell the truth, Miss Julia loves a happy crowd and a fun party. Always has.  Always will.

Me, too.  And I especially loved this party.  Because here… I saw the echo of Miss Julia’s cheekbones in this granddaughter. A fleeting glimpse of her eyes in that great-grandson. Her no-nonsense style in that one. Her love of music in the other. Kindness and laughter abounded. All a testimony to her and how she has lived.

Perhaps it’s true that there is a part of us that never dies, never ceases.  Not only are our physical characteristics echoed in our children, but our ideas and values go on, too.

From Miss Julia I have learned the value of speaking one’s mind. I’ve learned that an open heart is a healthy heart. I’ve learned that if you can give, you should give. I’ve learned that love depends so much less on rules and much, much more on experience.

I will never forget watching her and her two sisters bury their younger brother, Dick, and the kindness and compassion they showed to his long-time partner, Luis.  The epitaph they chose for their theatre-loving brother came from that southern master Tennessee Williams: “Nothing human disgusts me, unless it is unkind or violent.” Perfect for Dick.  Perfect for his sisters.

Perfect for me. And for my kids.

Over the years Miss Julia has certainly slowed down.  At 95, I’m not going to begrudge her that — her slowing down just gives the rest of us a chance to catch up!  But I also know that despite her physical limitations, she’s still learning something new everyday.  She’s still vibrant and curious.  And, she’s still someone who will do The Wave.  Just ask her.

Filed Under: Authenticity, Happier Living Tagged With: , , 3 Comments

Centered Enthusiasm

March 29, 2009 By Leave a Comment

I have a feeling. The baby buds of a feeling, if you want me to share the specifics. It’s an itty-bitty hint. A twinkling inkling.

Know what it is? I feel like a corner has been turned.

I feel like things are getting better.

Maybe it’s spring that’s doing it. There’s that moment in winter — some bitter Tuesday in February — when all the trees are bare and look dead, but you know within each dormant tree are all the hopeful buds of spring. All those potential leaves and blooms and fruits are inside that tree, just waiting for the right moment to unfurl.

And that’s what today feels like to me. The world is unfurling.

I am going to hold on to that feeling and let it take me past the anxiety, past the worry and past the relentless drumbeat of bad news.

Last Friday’s free class on dealing with anxiety around the roller coaster economy, vanishing jobs and the uncertain world touched on this subject. If you’d like to listen to the recording of the session, go to www.lifeframeworks.com and click the play button just below my photo.

In the call, I cover 10 Things You Can Do Right Now To Stop Freaking Out. Catchy, huh? Number 8 “Be with positive people” prompted a couple of questions — how do you deal with negative or toxic people?

First, you have to identify the negative people in your life. They may be so close to you that you’re not even aware of their negativity — because they’re your husband, your wife, your mom, your best friend. Who’s negative? If you walk away from an interchange with them and you feel depleted, discouraged and generally down — they’re likely negative. If you mention something positive and they immediately turn it toward the dark side — they’re likely negative. If they use a lot of words like “can’t”, “won’t” and “shouldn’t” — negative.

Once you know who the negative people are, you can do the second thing. Which is: limit your exposure to them. “My husband? Limit my exposure to him? Exactly how?” you ask. I like the technique I learned when my kids were in the Terrible Twos — simply say, “Gosh, sounds like you’re really upset and need some time to get a handle on things. I’m going to go into the next room, and when you’re ready to talk calmly, come get me.” Then you smile and give a virtual pat on the head and go fold laundry.

Negativity usually stems from fears. And some of those fears are real, and some are imagined. For instance, were I to stand face to face with a bear my heart rate would climb, my mind would race, I’d sweat buckets, I would panic, I might even whimper a teeny-tiny bit. Those would all be normal reactions to facing a bear. However, I can have pretty much the same physical reactions by simply imagining that I’m standing in front of a bear. Ain’t no bear in the neighborhood, but I’m behaving as if there is one. Why do that?

Some people imagine a charging bear because they like the adrenaline rush. Some people imagine something terrible because it reinforces the negative view they have of the world. And some people imagine the worst because it gives them something to focus on.

I’ll tell you one thing: when you focus on the negative, you generally find it. And if you’re surrounded on every side by negativity, all you’ll see is the bad. You’ll never see the happy buds of spring, you’ll just see dead, lifeless trees.

Dadgummit, I am going to see the buds. I’m going to be happy. Because I feel happy. Not wishful, magical-thinking happy, but what I call “centered enthusiasm” — I know what’s going on in my world, and I’m still eager, enthusiastic and positive. Feels really right.

Why don’t you try centered enthusiasm this week, and see if it doesn’t shift your mood from negative to positive, from dark to light, from dormant to joyful blossoming blooms?

Go ahead — allow the unfurling to begin.

The best in life coach tips and useful suggestions to help you get the life you want to live.
Filed Under: Clarity, Happier Living Tagged With: , , , , , , , Leave a Comment

Saying Goodbye

February 3, 2008 By Leave a Comment


It’s hard to say goodbye. As Shakespeare so aptly put it, “Parting is such sweet sorrow.” And in this life there is much to be parted from, often with much grief.

One man becomes suddenly, critically ill and must part with the idea of his youth and vigor.

One young mother loses her own mother, and must part with the idea of herself as someone’s beloved child.

One man parts with his wedding ring after his wife’s death, and lets go of the idea of himself as someone’s husband.

One woman parts with her home and possessions and adjusts to the idea that she won’t live independently for the rest of her life.

I’ve written about crisis and how it can change lives. Crisis forces a redefinition of who we are, and what’s important to us. Altering those fundamental views about ourselves is, no surprise, life changing.

Catalytic crisis requires us to move from the cocoon of “known-self” to “unknown-self”. Embracing the unknown is not something many of us handle particularly well… so, in the alternative, we cling fearfully, ferociously to our known-self.

Known-self may have worked for years. We’re comfortable with all the rules in known-self — and we can anticipate with confidence how we and others will act. Even if we know we’re unhappy in our known-self, at least we know what to expect! Who wants to upset the apple cart? But when clinging to known-self feels like pain, you will change it. Sometimes it seems it takes a crisis to show us just how ill-fitting known-self has become.

The prospect of unknown-self is murky, and for those with control issues, it’s precisely the unknowing that’s so hard. Parting with a definition that really doesn’t work should be, on its face, easy to do. However, parting with the known in favor of the unknown — that seems scary. It’s like emerging from the cocoon we’ve constructed as a worm and learning to live as a butterfly. None of the old rules seem to apply.

So, in those moments, remember: “parting is such sweet sorrow.”

When you say goodbye to something old that no longer fits, you open space for something new. It’s the opportunity for “new-self”. Which could be something nicer, better, happier. Could be something that helps you live more fully. Could be something sweet.

Be open to the opportunity for change that life brings. Welcome it. Because it’s your chance to flap your butterfly wings… and fly.

Filed Under: Authenticity, Clarity, Managing Change Tagged With: , , , , , , , , Leave a Comment
« Older Posts
Newer Posts »