Michele’s Feast

I’ve decided that there are no coincidences – only opportunities for me to open up and learn.

Last night I found myself with unexpected time to myself. I’m sure all you single parents of teenagers understand exactly what I’m talking about. I had no plans but was utterly delighted with having no plans. My blog post was written, my to-dos all done, my day complete. I happily whipped up an egg salad sandwich and paired it with a cold glass of pinot grigio (an odd but inspired summer combo, if I do say so myself) and parked myself on the couch, remote in hand, intent on finding a movie to watch.

A movie that I picked. Me. For me. No compromising on comedy when I wanted drama.  No action when I wanted love.  It could be anything I wanted. Anything.

Ah, the delicious freedom.

There were hundreds of free options. Feeling all giddy, I only perused high definition films. Ha! Still hundreds to choose from. Then I stopped. “Babette’s Feast.” I had seen it.  Hadn’t I liked it?  It was free, so I thought, “Oh, I’ll just watch a little and if it’s awful I’ll watch something else!” [imagine the power!]

Darlings, in just a few moments, Babette’s Feast became Michele’s Feast. I was utterly drawn in.

Do you know the movie? Based on a story by Karen Blixen, the Danish writer also known as Isak Dinesen, the film follows the two daughters of an austere pastor as they deny themselves joy, love, pleasure and opportunity in order to support the work of their father. Over time, they quietly become old women, living together in rigid self-denial, keeping the memory of their father alive.

Into their lives blows Babette, a refuge from political upheaval in France. For fourteen years, Babette lives with the sisters, caring for them and for their small fishing community, mirroring their simple, unadorned life, until one day she wins the French lottery – 10,000 francs – and asks if she can prepare a real French dinner in honor of the deceased pastor’s 100th birthday.

Here’s where it gets really good.

After fourteen years of cautious living, Babette pours her heart and soul into the meal. She carefully obtains fresh fruits, exotic meats, fine wines, exquisite cheeses. She prepares the feast with care, with joy, with creativity, with expertise.

And when the meal is served, the reserved, anti-sensual, closed up, bitter, sniping guests become transformed – they actually taste their food. They enlarge their senses. They are drawn together.  They find that they love one another, and themselves.

The meal is a triumph.

And Babette is broke, having spent her entire lottery winnings on the meal.

When one of the sisters laments that Babette will now spend the rest of her life poor, Babette replies, “An artist is never poor.”

Got me right there.  An artist is never, never poor.

Then, Babette reveals that she had been head chef at a remarkable Paris restaurant, shrugs and says, “I was able to make them happy when I gave of my very best.”

Not only did Babette make others happy – she made herself happy when she gave of her amazing gifts. But wait – Babette’s final words in the film: “Throughout the world sounds one long cry from the heart of the artist – ‘Give me the chance to do my very best.’”

It’s no coincidence that I watched this film last night, because I needed a reminder that my best is all I want to do. My very best. As a woman, as a mother, as a coach, as a creator, and, yes, as an artist.

You, too, are an artist like Babette – even if you aren’t conscious of your creative power. Every day you have the chance to do your very best. Every day you have the power to live via your senses.  Every day you have the opportunity to create something new. Every day you can serve others with your creativity.   Every day. Remember that.

And, you artist, you – remember that the true richness in life is truly and utterly your own creation.

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Failure to Execute

You don’t know what to do.

Oh, you’ve got plenty of ideas about what you could do.  About what’s possible.  About your dreams.

Or maybe you’re really, really busy – pursuing a hundred leads at once and reeling from all the potential paths available to you.

But somehow nothing’s really happening.  Nothing’s clicking.

And you’re either starting to panic, or, conversely, starting to think that being where you are isn’t really so bad.  You can hang in there until things start to change.  Whenever that might be.  Someday.

Who finds this familiar?  And just a teensy bit scary?

So, let’s talk about it.  Let’s figure out why you consistently step away from making your ideas into something real, shall we?

Falling in love with potential

It’s easy to be drunk with love about what’s possible.  “I take this job, and I can make a million dollars and become CEO one day.”  Or, “If I become a joint venture partner with this famous person, my life will be easy and I’ll become famous, too.”  And, “It’s not really that bad – I bet I can make it better.”  And we are so in love with this vision that we fail to see that the CEO is only 32 years old and not going anywhere any time soon, or that the famous person has staff that deal with “joint venture partners” (and there are hundreds of joint venture partners), or that the thing is not bad – it’s horrific – and is so toxic that hazmat is required.

The best dating advice I ever received was, “Never fall in love with potential”.  Had I ever followed it, I would have been saved plenty of heartache. But, after being bashed about the head and shoulders several times, I finally learned the lesson.

Today, when offered a possibility, I put potential aside and look at what’s at hand with a clear eye.   Does it fit with my strengths?  My values? My goals?  Notice I’m not asking, “Could it possibly, with a lot of work, pixie dust and spit, maybe fit?”  It either fits or it doesn’t.  And if it fits, that’s when I look at potential.  Does this opportunity allow for growth?  Is it fun?  Is it worth my time?

Loving the dream too much

Isn’t it nice to have a dream?  Feels so dreamy, and love-ly.  We can visit our dreamy dream whenever we want, like some personalized amusement park, and lose ourselves in all the possibility.  And we love the idea of the dream, and fondle the dream, and protect it.  But we never make one step toward realizing the dream in our lives.  The singer never takes voice lessons, the writer never types, the entrepreneur never starts a business.

Why?

Because the dream is perfect, and real life is seldom so.

If you’re a dream-fondler but rather restless, here’s an exercise:  write down a full description of your dream.  All of it.  Even the minutiae. Then go back through and pick two things – just two teensy things – you can easily do to move ever-so-slightly toward making the dream real.  See how that feels, try a couple more, and if you hit resistance, it may be because:

Execution means change

Let’s say your dream is to be a writer, and the teensy thing you choose is to start writing.  And maybe you even begin to call yourself a writer.  That might feel like a change. A re-definition.  A big switch.  People might laugh.  You might not fit in with your friends – they don’t even read books – or your family – who values brawn over brain.

Or maybe you grew up in a family that prides itself on academic and intellectual pursuits.  You go to a competitive high school, and all your friends are shooting for the Ivy League.  You go to a top school, and a prestigious graduate program.  All is as it should be.  But you’re not happy.  All you ever do is dream of starting your own landscaping business.

But if you become a landscaper, what will people think?  What will you have in common with your Ivy League friends?  With your siblings?  With your parents?

The fear of loss keeps you in a job you don’t like, being measured by a yardstick that’s not even relevant to your dream.  If you have a strong pull toward belonging and connection, you might hold on to the group’s yardstick because making your own is so scary. And the group might say it’s wrong.

Understandable.  Hard to shake.

But so worth it when you do. Remember: the people who love you will love you whether you’re a physicist or a landscaper.  Whether you’re a Regional Sales Manager or a writer.  More importantly, you will like you when you’re living your dream.

The failure to execute is the Big Kahuna of stuck.  Making your dreams come alive, though, is the Big Enchilada of happiness.  Go ahead. Start now.

Finally Un-Stuck

Stuck.

Don’t know.

Can’t decide.

Feels awful.

Stuck is a nerve-wracking place.  And takes a ton of energy.  So much energy, in fact, that it’s hard to find the oomph to do anything other than be stuck.

People who are stuck often face some kind of big decision or life change.  And they torment themselves with, “Is this the right choice? What if I make a mistake?”

That is the stuck place.  Can’t move forward for fear of doing something wrong, and can’t go back due to the space-time continuum, so… stay stuck.

There’s only one way to break through the muck and get un-stuck. And that is to reframe the question from, “Is this the right choice?” to “Am I choosing growth?”

Dr. Carol Dweck has written a terrific book on making this shift – it’s called Mindset, and reading it has really turned my head around and refined the way I coach.

Dweck’s research shows that simply shifting to a growth mindset opens up the stuck places. Of course, you have to believe it’s possible to learn and to grow. Think it’s possible? Yeah, I do, too. In fact, I value learning and growth as life-long pursuits. Do you?

If so, then when faced with a choice, always choose the option that gives you the most growth.

Doesn’t that feel easier?

The other half of the stuck factor is: “What if I make a mistake?”

Because we all know that making a mistake is the worst possible thing that can happen, right? Right?

When you’re coming from a focus on growth, though, mistakes have a lot less weight. Why? Because even mistakes are a place for learning.

If you choose growth, you give yourself a way to judge whether what you’re doing is working – you just ask, “Is it possible for me to grow? Am I growing right now?” So you take a job and six months later you are doing something other than what they hired you for and you are uncomfortably bored and disappointed. Did you make a mistake? Or did you just stop growing? How would it feel to tell a prospective employer that you took a job, the conditions changed and you realized you couldn’t grow there?  Would feel pretty clear and clean to me.  How about you?

When you choose growth, sweetums,  you always win. Why? Because even in a worst case scenario, you’ve learned something. Something that will allow you to do better next time.

OK, I will address the elephant in the room which frequently factors in stuckness – “What will other people think?” That’s a powerful mindset. And it’s easy to say, “Well, I don’t care what anyone else thinks”, isn’t it? But much harder to act in a way that runs counter to the beliefs of our families, our friends and our community of peers.

In a growth mindset though, my growth is my responsibility, and my commitment to myself. And if I am fully committed to my growth, then I can also be open and fully committed to yours. Which shifts the question from “What will other people think?” to “What will I think?” And removes another big stuck spot.

If you’re stuck, I’m telling you, all you need to do is make a simple choice. Just choose to grow.

If you’d like to get un-stuck and figure out where you need to grow, consider joining my What’s Next? Coaching Group, forming now for April.  Details?  Go here.

Money Changes Everything

 

Let me shoot straight with you.

Most of your biggest problems stem from fear.

And most of your biggest fears boil down to money.

Will I have enough?

Will I have enough to do all the things I should do?  Buy the things I should buy?

Will I fit in with my peers if I don’t have $150 jeans or regular Botox injections or trips to Disney World?

What if I have too much, and don’t fit in?  What if I become everyone’s piggybank?

What if I lose everything?  What would people think?

We place so much meaning on money.

What I’m paid reflects my value to society.

If you give me money, you must like me.

Money is the way to get the power to do what you want.

And there’s the negative about money.

People with money are unhappy, egotistical jerks.

Money changes everything.  For the worse.

These fundamental, underlying, limiting ideas around money don’t really help you – they only serve to hold you back.  You don’t ask for the raise, because you’re afraid you’ll find out what your boss really thinks about you. Which is – you fear – not much.

Or you decline to negotiate your child support agreement because you fear you’ll be reminded that your ex disliked you enough to end your marriage.

It’s a potent cocktail of emotion.  And some of you have ordered a double.  On the rocks.

But, believe me, money can be simple.  It can be easier. Know how?

Do this: Shift to seeing money as a tool.  Just a tool.  Not a referendum on you as a person.  Or your value to society. Or your desirability.

Swap out your troubling money thoughts for this: “Money is a tool that will allow me to do things in support of my priorities.”

Of course, you need to know your priorities.  And be very clear on them.  And make sure they’re your priorities, and not the priorities of your parents, your grandparents, your peers or any of the Kardashian sisters.

Because, in the long run, taking care of your financial health is the ultimate expression of self-care.

When I take good care of my financial health, I am taking good care of me.  And of my priorities, goals and intentions.

And when I am free of  limiting, negative, fearful attitudes toward money, I can easily ask my clients to pay me, or ask my boss for a raise.  I can make wise purchases and investments that support me and where I want to go.  When I am clear, I am the best advocate for myself.

When I stop operating from fear around money, I naturally move to living in comfort with money. I go from “can’t” to “can.” I move from lack to abundance, spontaneously.

It’s not that money changes everything, honey.  It’s your attitude around money that truly changes things.  Let it be for the better.

Inside And Out

Do you know yourself? Inside and out?

Do you know what you like? What you’re good at? What’s important to you?

And, more importantly, do you love that about yourself?

I had the opportunity to talk about all these issues recently when I was interviewed by Cath Duncan, a wonderful South African writer and coach, who does frequent calls with authors and thinkers on a range of ideas. She also has a great thing: The Bottom-Line Book Club. Cath summarizes the best books in self-help and personal growth, culling out the really important, useful stuff – so you don’t have to read the entire book! Brilliant.

Cath wanted to understand how to make a framework for goal-setting and came to me since I’m a framework kinda gal. Now, I could have talked with Cath for hours – she’s just that warm, curious and kind. And I think the interview was powerful and purposeful. You can listen to it: here.

My bottom-line is pretty simple. Making decisions becomes easy when you know your strengths, your values, your priorities and your preferences. And planning becomes effortless when you love them.

What do I mean? Well, let me ask you this: How much time do you spend beating yourself up because you’re not like someone else? Not tall enough, not thin enough, not rich enough, not organized enough? How often do you operate under a should, as in “I should really…”? Are you a person who believes that there is something inherently wrong with the way you approach things because it’s so different from the way your friends and family would do it?

And how’s that working for you?

If you’re unhappy, and maybe stuck, then your path out and through is a path toward self-love – a healthy appreciation and understanding of who you are and what you bring to the world. When you are there, you’ll find that self-doubt, self-criticism and self-loathing goes out the window, leaving only healthy, happy you.

So how do you do it? How do you come to know and love yourself?

You start with the facts about yourself. I often suggest clients take an assessment like the Myers-Briggs Type Indicator (I am a certified practitioner), and the StrengthsFinder 2.0. Take old performance reviews and look for repeating ideas and themes. Ask your closest friends and associates to tell you what they see as your strengths. And, take all this data and see what it tells you about…you.

There’s an old joke that goes: “There are two kinds of people in the world – those who think the world can be divided into two groups of people, and those who don’t.” Of course, I’m in the “don’t” pile. I believe the world can be divided into three kinds of people.

In my mind, there are three ways people take in information and interact in the world. There are people who come from the heart, leading with their emotions and their feelings, and there are people who come from their minds, leading with their thoughts and their intellect. And some people come from their bodies, leading with a physicality, in search of a tactile connection with the world.

I know a woman who is so physically oriented that she needs – needs – three periods of intense exercise every day to be her best self. The only problem was that her need for physicality felt different from people around her. She felt other. Tension and stress ensued. It was only when she realized that being physical was as integral to her happiness as breathing that she dropped the should, and began seeing her ultimate self expression in testing her physical limits.

While we thinking people want to test our intellectual limits. Finding, creating, understanding that concept – that is mother’s milk to a person who relies on her intellect. While those who come from the heart test the limits of their emotions. They feel – deeply, fully, compassionately – and, therefore, they are.

And, it’s all good.

The eminent psychologist Carl Jung held that at some point of our life, we become integrated – we know when it’s appropriate to come from our minds, or our hearts, or our bodies. We draw on each of these as needed to attend to the task at hand, certainly. But mostly, we draw on them to derive the most possible happiness from each and every moment.

All I know is that when I am clear on who I am, what I value, what I’d like to have, how I’d like to be, how I come from my head but also listen to my heart – and love every bit of it – then there is no shame. There is no stuck. There is only happy movement forward, in what can’t help but be the absolute right direction.

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