Would You Like Fries With That?

During my senior year in high school, it became glaringly evident that my need for hip huggers and puka shells exceeded my parents’ willingness to underwrite my wardrobe.

It was clear that I needed a job.

One crisp autumn day, I walked into the fast food restaurant closest to school — a Roy Rogers, then owned by Marriott — and asked if they were hiring.  I imagine I was wearing jeans with huge bell bottoms.  I may have had a plaid shirt on.  I was likely wearing either desert boots or Famolare Wave Sole shoes.

I was totally rocking the fashion. Which is why I was looking for a job in the first place.

The manager, a woebegone man who’d seen many a late night and too few an early morning, looked me over, head to toe, and wearily asked,”What do you do over at the high school?”

“Well,” I chirped. “I’m President of the Student Union, on the Superintendent’s Advisory Committee, in the ski club, in the drama club, and I’ve applied for early admission to Virginia Tech.”

I was hired on the spot, and given a schedule and a uniform.

Roy Rogers was a Western-themed fast food restaurant, so my uniform consisted of a calico skirt, a white peasant-type blouse and a red and white cowboy hat.

Which totally offended my fashion sensibilities.  And since the restaurant was across the street from my high school, I was continually embarrassed to be seen by classmates who came in for a tasty Double-R-Bar burger.

But Marriott offered a terrific training program.  Believe it or not,  I use what I learned then every single day.

• I rotate my stock — when I go to the grocery store, the new can of diced tomatoes goes behind the old so I’m always using the oldest stuff first.
• I know when to flip — my hamburgers come out medium every time.
• I know how to listen to customers and what they want.

And I know how to do suggestive selling.  Which is when you ask, “Would you like fries with that?” or, since our Roy Rogers fries came in particular packaging, “Would you like a ‘holster’ of fries?”  [Yes, the large fries were served in a cardboard gun holster.  What can I say?  It was a different time.]

I mention suggestive selling for a reason.

News reports out this week indicate that the real U.S. unemployment rate  stands at 17.5 percent:

In all, more than one out of every six workers — 17.5 percent — were unemployed or underemployed in October. The previous recorded high was 17.1 percent, in December 1982.

This includes the officially unemployed, who have looked for work in the last four weeks. It also includes discouraged workers, who have looked in the past year, as well as millions of part-time workers who want to be working full time. (New York Times, Nov. 6, 2009)

If you are out of a job, now is the time to do some suggestive selling.

In a regular economy, 70% of job openings are not even advertised and are filled by personal referral.  In my experience, right now it seems that about 90% of jobs are filled that way — because if an organization can only hire one person, they want a sure thing.  A personal referral from someone who knows you and has worked with you is testimony that you’re smart, sharp and can do the work.  With a meaningful personal referral, you will get you the interview, and probably the position.

To get the referral, you have to suggestively sell your contacts.  You have to tell them what you want and how you can solve the pain of an employer.  Because all job hires are made because someone, somewhere is in pain.  There’s the pain of work overload, there’s the pain of work not getting done, there’s the pain of opportunities missed.

There’s always pain.  Identify it, sell how you can solve it, and you will rise to the top of the list.

If you’re working part-time, it’s even more important to suggestively sell.  Saying things like, “I noticed that XYZ is not getting done. I’d be happy to do it,” is the perfect way to move into a full-time slot.

And remember.  Every job in your past has contributed to the skill set you have now.  Play up all of your talents to sell yourself. Just because you had a certain job title in your last position doesn’t mean you are limited to only that kind of work. I’ll bet there are a lot of things you can do.  Even though I’m no longer “Pardner Of The Month” (March, 1978), I could walk in any fast food joint today and make a credible hamburger.

And know how to ask, as I was trained, “Would you like fries with that?”

What’s Not Working?

Boy, we human beings are creatures of habit. We love routines! So comfortable, isn’t it, to mindlessly know what to do first, then go on to that, then move on to the next thing. Oh, we love it! The sameness of routine is so comforting.

Even if the routine sucks.

And is boring.

And might even be bad for us.

Kinda like having a habit we just can’t give up.

But it’s known and comfortable and predictable.

Which makes us feel safe.

And sometimes feel stuck.

It’s at this moment of awareness of our stuckness that we need to stop, and think, and ask, “What’s not working?” It’s a scary question, most certainly, but an eminently sane question. And exactly the right question to ask.

You’ve got to start by identifying what’s not working — what doesn’t feel right — so you can move out of stuck and right into happy.

Let’s say you’re stuck in your career. You’ve been in the same job with the same group for five, ten, fifteen years. You’ve got the system wired. You know where the bodies are buried. You’ve got the routine knocked.

And you are bored out of your freakin’ mind.

First, identify what’s not working. You’ve probably got pages to write on that one. Am I right? But then you start to say, “Well, yeah, but who else would pay me what I make here”, or “Well, yeah, but I’d have to start over and wouldn’t know anything”, and maybe even, “Well, yeah, but it’s not really that bad.”

For those of you who have such big “buts”, let me challenge you to look at your situation in a new way, with one more question: Did you get what you came for?

When you took the job, what did you want? Why did you take it in the first place? Because you needed the money? Because you could pick up certain skills? Because you could work with specific people? Because of prestige? Because it was the only job open?

And now, five, ten, fifteen years down the road, have you gotten what you came for? Have you met that initial objective? In spades?

Then maybe the reason you’re stuck and bored and not as happy as you could be is because you’ve actually done what you set out to do. And the task at hand is to set new objectives and figure out if you can achieve them where you are — or if you have to find a new place to do what now needs doing in your life.

We human beings are designed to learn and grow and, believe it or not, be happy. And if your career has become like a bad habit, a routine that no longer gets the results you intended, then now is the time, and this is the place, to start making changes.

Life In The Balance

“Suffering is normal.”

“Work is supposed to be hard.”

“I have to keep busy.”

“No pain, no gain.”

“Idle hands are the Devil’s playground.”

“Life is not supposed to be easy.”

Damn that Protestant Work Ethic.

It’s those deeply ingrained PWE messages that hold us back from making changes leading to more satisfaction, happiness and meaning. We’re all so nose-to-the-grindstone, unhappy-as-hell, but-hey-what-can-I-do-about-it people.

What frustrated folks may not know is this: the key to a balanced life is a fair measure of joy. Of purposeless fun. Of play.

Which is diametrically opposed the good old PWE.

Know what I mean? We take something that is supposed to be joyful fun, like, oh… running through a forest, feeling the wind on your skin and your hair, smelling the fragrance of the deep woods, spying a shy fawn, or a curious fox. And we turn it into, “Gotta go nine today so I’ll be ready for the marathon.”

Sure, having a purpose gives us something to strive for, but often bypasses the underlying joy of simply doing a thing we love.

A woman I know was lamenting this week that her just conferred Master’s degree didn’t seem to be that valuable in this job market. I asked, “Why did you decide on that field of study?” She answered, “Because I was really interested in it, and I thought it would be fun.” I paused a moment. “So you enjoyed the learning?” She said, “Oh, yes!” I asked, “Isn’t that enough?”

Learning for learning’s sake — ever known that feeling?

To achieve balance in your life, sometimes you need to allow yourself to do something for the sheer fun of it — and not because it will lead to something else. Something “productive.” If you have the time, the money and the interest, why not take a class? Or get a Master’s degree? Or a PhD, for that matter? With no eye toward where it will “get” you?

Why not enjoy yourself?

There’s a point that comes in everyone’s life — and for some of us it comes more than once — when you know things have to change. Yet you ignore the stirrings of your heart, the urgings of your soul, because making a change might seem indulgent.

Which is a definite PWE no-no.

There’s the doctor who would really like to open a bead shop, but how would that look? All those years of medical school — a waste?

Or the lawyer who would like to be a non-profit case worker. Law school down the drain?

Or the one-time-CPA mom who would like to go back to work, but do something that doesn’t involve numbers. At all. Ever. Shouldn’t she just keep up her certification, just in case?

Not necessarily.

We are all the sum total of our life’s experiences. I know that nothing I’ve ever done in my life — the good, the bad, the extremely ugly — was a waste. It’s all added up to make me the person I am today, and that feels pretty daggone good.

When you get the chance to reinvent your life, you get the chance to use everything you’ve got. When you get the chance to increase your joy, and, nifty by-product, achieve that elusive life balance, take it. Regardless of the little messages that tell you that following your heart is indulgent or purposeless.

If you are stuck, or itchy, or worried, or out of balance — forget the PWE. Focus on joy. And the rest will follow.

When Gifts Become Junk

Difficult people are so difficult.

Demanding, whiny, needy, unreasonable, unconscious, a pain in the butt, belligerent, jerk, fearful… I can go on.  Bet you can, too. Some people just sap the energy from the room.  Or are so negative and critical that being around them is never joyful.  Don’t you find your own mood shifting to match theirs? So what starts as a great day becomes a freak show.  What a downer.  Who wants to live like that?

So, you’ve got a Energy Sucking Black Hole Of A Person in your life.  What do you do?

This week I read a wonderful blog post by my friend Hiro Boga, called What Happens To A Gift You Refuse To Accept? and it got me thinking.

We are trained from childhood to always accept a gift even if it’s like the fancy soap that I once received as a gift — and the soap had been used.  Yes, I had been re-gifted.  And the original gift card from the original giver was in the bottom of the box.

We’ve been told to graciously accept even gifts such as this and write a thoughtful, tasteful thank you note.  Regardless.

Yet.

I have received gifts I cannot use.  Don’t want.  Don’t make sense.  That really belonged to someone else.  Sometimes these gifts reflect what other people think I should be, or should like, or should want.  Which aren’t gifts at all.

And these things clutter my life.

As I cleaned out a linen closet yesterday, I uncovered many presents I had been holding on to because they were gifts, afterall.  And one is supposed to be grateful.  So, I had stuffed them into a closet and they slowly turned into junk.  Junk which is making its way to Goodwill later today.

Feel a metaphor coming at you?

OK, so like Hiro Boga wrote, just because a person wants to give me a gift of… their negativity, their anxiety, their fear… I can simply say no thanks and let them keep it.  Because if I accept their gift, I clutter up the linen closet of my life.

It really comes down to: if I spend my time and energy sharing their discontent and helping them live their life, when do I have time to live my own?

People come to me for help with the difficult people they encounter at work.  And often it comes down to not setting boundaries, which is hard for so many of us.  A co-worker sits down to “vent” and we feel the need to help.  But we get drawn into office politics, gossip and drama — which keeps us from doing what we want to do with our lives and careers.

All theoretical I know.  So I will be practical.  We really need to do is reflect their “gift” right back to them.  Place it squarely in their hands — because it’s their gift in the first place.

And you do that by saying, “Wow, sounds tough.  What do you plan to do about it?”

That’s how you do it.  Kindly, respectfully, with boundaries intact.  And then you get on to living your own life.

Mentoring Mojo

When you’ve been mentored — when you’ve been really taught — by someone who is deeply invested in your success and well-being, your life is multifold in blessings.

One who mentors is someone who gives with no expectation of payback.  In my experience, a mentor is large of heart and measured of ego.   She’s kind, she’s funny, she’s a career fairy godmother.

And, today I have to write that she’s gone.

Because the mentor who profoundly affected me and my life, Anne Wexler, passed away on Friday.  And in the days since, I’ve been reflecting on the gifts I received from her.

Anne was a remarkable woman.  You can read more about her in The New York Times or The Washington Post. Yep, she was the kind of woman major newspapers cover. “She is easily the most influential female lobbyist in a world still dominated by men,” magazines said about her.  Yet, she was also the kind of woman who never forgot that she had been an at-home mom who had completely reinvented her career in midlife.

I worked for Anne for five years.  After my first maternity leave, I returned to the office to find that all of my peers had been promoted in my absence.  I went into Anne’s office and said something like, “I see there have been some changes while I was out.  Can I get my title changed, too?”  Anne’s eyes twinkled, “And what title would you like?”  I thought for a beat, “Queen?”  Anne smiled, probably templed her fingers, and said, “That, my dear, is taken.  What do you think of Senior Vice President?”   I took it.

She went on. “Now, while you were gone there was no one here to take care of me.  So, I want you to sit right there,” she pointed to an office outside her door, “and help me.”  I began attending all of her meetings, and we’d discuss strategy, planning, personality. We construct, we’d revise, we’d hash things out.

I sat at the feet of the master.  I soaked it up like a sponge.

And I learned so much about integrity — Anne’s client roster was solid gold with companies like AT&T, IBM, The Motion Picture Association, Comcast, and she never dumped a client for its better paying competitor, despite the lures of bigger money.   Anne always kept her word, or she wouldn’t give it in the first place.

I learned about how to take care of people — she was so loyal to people who’d worked for her, and that loyalty was returned.  During her recent campaign, Hillary Clinton praised Anne recalling how Anne gave Bill and Hillary their first jobs in politics.  But it wasn’t just the famous people.  Anne recognized talent where she found it, and had a prodigious memory.  Which is why she could build such broad-based coalitions in support of her clients — she knew everyone, peon to President, and treated each person with respect.

But most of all, I learned how to be a strong, confident woman who uses her voice even when she’s the only woman in the room.  Who uses her voice even in a room full of other women.

From Anne I learned more about how to be me.

Recently I was teaching a class for coaches on setting prices and valuing your service.  I told an Anne Wexler anecdote, which I’ll share here.  Anne once said to me, “Michele, if I can solve a billion dollar problem with one phone call, should I charge for the fifteen minutes of my time, or should I charge based on the value of the solution?”  Well, when you put it that way…

My friend Kathy Korman Frey, founder of The Hot Mommas Project, is offering an upcoming Mentoring Workshop and says that “Mentoring and role models are the number one success factor for women.”

True.  And I can trace my own success to having been “taken under the wing” of Anne Wexler. When I began my coaching business, I had lunch with Anne who asked me to explain coaching.  After listening intently she said, “I think  I’m a coach!” and I smiled and nodded.  Because she was.  Through and through.  Another example of her leading the way for me.

And, given the gift I received, it’s imperative for me to pass it on.  That’s why I mentor.  Anne did.  I will.  Hope you will, too.

One hard task I’ll have today is removing Anne’s name from my newsletter list.  See, she read these columns every week.  She’d write to tell me what she liked, and what she thought.  If you look in the forward to my book Lose Weight, Find Love, Declutter and Save Money, you’ll see I mentioned Anne.  I referred to her there as “wise and kind” — small yet apt and powerful words.  When I gave her a copy of the book, this woman who was on a first name basis with Presidents, Senators, Congressmen, and Cabinet secretaries beamed.

And so did I.

Yes, it’s hard to imagine a world without Anne Wexler.  But in many ways, I don’t really have to.  Because the lessons she taught me, her mentoring mojo, endure.  I am who I am in large part because she was who she was.

Rest in peace, dear friend.

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