Your New Yardstick

I have started and stopped this blog post seven times.

I have typed, back-spaced, deleted and select-all’ed myself into a frenzy.

Because I know what I want to say, but can’t seem to find the way to say it in 600 words.

Maybe it needs fewer words, less typing, less snarky pun-filled humor.

Let’s try simple, shall we?

Ahem.

To be happier, make your own yardstick to measure success.

Not your mom’s measuring stick, not your dad’s, not your suck-uppy cousin Kevin’s, not your office mate’s, not your boss’, not your neighbor’s, not TV, not Twitter, not Maxim magazine.

Don’t let anyone tell you that you’re a slacker if you don’t work fourteen hour days, or that you’re nobody if you don’t travel for work.  Don’t listen to anyone tell you that all the cool kids are litigators. Or brand managers. Or social media gurus.  Ignore those who hold that you’re a loser if you’re not pulling down six figures. Or seven. Plug up your ears when you hear that you are throwing away your degree and experience when you decide to start your own business.  Or when you take a break from working to care for your small children, your sick father or your ill spouse.

All of that is someone else’s measure of what’s right for you.

What’s right for you?

You decide.

Because when you gauge your life by someone else’s measure, you will always come up short.

Build your yardstick with a mark for playing to your unique strengths. Scratch another line for your values, one for your passions, another for the realities of your life, and what it is that you really want.

Mark your integrity, your goals, your purpose in life.

Then stand back and take a look at what you’ve created.

Looks like success, doesn’t it?

When Your Job Is A Soul-Sucking Hellhole

In last week’s post, Love Your Work? (What Are You, Crazy?) we looked at how you can single-handedly turn around a difficult work situation. Yes, I said, “single-handedly.” And I meant it – when you first look to yourself and change (for the good) what you can – then, you can absolutely, positively, single-handedly turn around a difficult situation. I’ve seen it too many times to doubt that it’s a successful strategy.

And if you are doing the right thing, you are firmly in your integrity, and your work stays a soul-sucking hellhole, then… it’s time to quit.

I wrote about When To Quit a couple of years ago. Come to think of it, I really liked that post. In it, I suggested:

“It’s time to quit when the person you are becoming is someone you don’t like. When you’re in a job, and as a condition of employment you are expected to fudge facts, shift numbers and lie to customers, you become a person who fudges, shifts and lies. Is that who you want to be?”

And,

“It’s time to quit when you find that you love having the problem more than the problem loves you. If you find yourself talking about the problem all the time, stewing and fretting, worrying about it, analyzing it, turning the problem over and over in your head -  is that who you want to be? Is that how you want to use your energy?”

Now, let’s just be honest right here. Some of us slip into a familiar and comfy place where we absolutely love using our energy stewing and fretting, worrying, analyzing. Why? Darlings, it’s an artful dodge. What are we dodging?  Why, fear, of course.  We’re dodging and dancing around the thing so many of us fear the most – fear of change.

We change-fearers expend all our energy mulling things over – which leaves us absolutely zero energy to do the thing we need to do most: change something. So, to snap out of the contemplative coma and get going, ask yourself these questions:

1. In the past, when I’ve made a change like the one I’m contemplating now – what’s been the outcome? Look back, write it down.  What’s your change experience been like?  How does that inform your actions right now? If you’ve been less than adept at change, what did you lack at the time?  Can you shore that up this time?
2. What scares me most about making a change right now? I’m not kidding: Make a list. Then look at each item that scares you and say, “If that happens, then what?”  Follow the trail right down to the thing that scares you most.  Such as, “I will become the bag lady who lives in a shopping cart at Westmoreland Circle.”  Then decide:  is that really possible?  This approach puts many fears right where they belong – out of your way.
3. If I make this scary change, how will I grow? (remember Finally Un-Stuck, where we talked about the power of always choosing growth?)
4. By staying where I am – do I like myself?  Do I even want to like myself?

That last one’s a zinger, huh?  But coming to terms with whether you’ll ever allow yourself to truly like yourself – now there’s a thought worth pursuing.

So let’s say, for the sake of argument, that you have quieted your fears, you want to feel better and you want to be better.  What do you do next?

You know me – I’ll tell you to focus on your strengths, your passions, your priorities and your values.  I’ll tell you to network, network, network.  I’ll tell you to read Finding A Job 2.0 about the new rules of finding a job.

I’ll tell you to take a deep breath and get yourself un-stuck.  Because there’s so much more to life than that soul-sucking hellhole where you work.

So much more.

The Integrity Thing

A few weeks ago I talked about how to get  Finally Un-Stuck – remember?

“People who are stuck often face some kind of big decision or life change.  And they torment themselves with, ‘Is this the right choice? What if I make a mistake?’ That is the stuck place.  Can’t move forward for fear of doing something wrong, and can’t go back due to the space-time continuum, so… stay stuck. There’s only one way to break through the muck and get un-stuck. And that is to reframe the question from, ‘Is this the right choice?’ to ‘Am I choosing growth?’”

So, we choose growth, and get un-stuck. But there’s something else – something vital – to factor into your decision-making.

It’s called integrity.

To me, integrity means I’m not going to lie, I’m not going to cheat, I’m not going to take advantage of anyone, I’m not going to allow anyone to take advantage of me.  I will say what I mean, and mean what I say.  I will do what I’ve promised to do.

You may have other elements surrounding your personal integrity – but if you don’t, now’s the time to get clear on them, pardner.

Because when you choose growth within the framework of integrity – there is no way you can make a mistake.

Want an example?  Okie doke.  Tom is offered a  job working for his company’s biggest competitor and marketplace rival.  It’s a big leadership job, and it feels like growth to Tom – exactly the kind of step up he’s been looking for.  The new company promises him a signing bonus (asks him to keep quiet about it) and then kinda asks if he can bring over his files on a particular innovation Tom has been overseeing at the old company.

Now, some people would say, “Sure, that’s the way the game is played.  He should absolutely bring everything to his new employer!  What are you, Michele?  Some kinda dope?  This happens all the time.”

Ah, yes, grasshopper, it does happen all the time. Especially with people who have lost touch with their own integrity.  And that’s why this is such an important moment for Tom – he can choose a new opportunity where he knows his integrity will be challenged, or say no and preserve something important to him.

I’m going to humor those who say, “Take the money and run, Tom!”  Let’s say he chooses to take the new job.  A year later, where’s Tom?  Unhappy, compromised, constantly fudging the facts and lying to his team.  He’s miserable. And his former colleagues? He’s lost them – they’re still smarting from his conduct as he walked out the door. Day to day, he’s struggling with the consequence of abandoning something really important to him – his integrity. It’s crushing stress.

I’ve seen this sad scenario play out hundreds of times.

Remember this line from above?  When you choose growth within the framework of integrity – there is no way you can make a mistake.

Well here’s the corollary: Any opportunity that asks you to put your integrity aside is most assuredly not a growth opportunity – and ultimately will be a mistake.

There’s a lot written these days about “Your Personal Brand” -hey, I’ve even written about it:

…your own personal brand is really about living in alignment with your integrity and what’s best about you. And when you’re truly in alignment that way, life becomes easy.

Any of us can convince ourselves that nearly anything is a growth experience. The gut check, then, is seeing where the new opportunity lines up with your integrity. When you can grow while preserving your integrity, you are, indeed, making the absolute right choice.

Finally Un-Stuck

Stuck.

Don’t know.

Can’t decide.

Feels awful.

Stuck is a nerve-wracking place.  And takes a ton of energy.  So much energy, in fact, that it’s hard to find the oomph to do anything other than be stuck.

People who are stuck often face some kind of big decision or life change.  And they torment themselves with, “Is this the right choice? What if I make a mistake?”

That is the stuck place.  Can’t move forward for fear of doing something wrong, and can’t go back due to the space-time continuum, so… stay stuck.

There’s only one way to break through the muck and get un-stuck. And that is to reframe the question from, “Is this the right choice?” to “Am I choosing growth?”

Dr. Carol Dweck has written a terrific book on making this shift – it’s called Mindset, and reading it has really turned my head around and refined the way I coach.

Dweck’s research shows that simply shifting to a growth mindset opens up the stuck places. Of course, you have to believe it’s possible to learn and to grow. Think it’s possible? Yeah, I do, too. In fact, I value learning and growth as life-long pursuits. Do you?

If so, then when faced with a choice, always choose the option that gives you the most growth.

Doesn’t that feel easier?

The other half of the stuck factor is: “What if I make a mistake?”

Because we all know that making a mistake is the worst possible thing that can happen, right? Right?

When you’re coming from a focus on growth, though, mistakes have a lot less weight. Why? Because even mistakes are a place for learning.

If you choose growth, you give yourself a way to judge whether what you’re doing is working – you just ask, “Is it possible for me to grow? Am I growing right now?” So you take a job and six months later you are doing something other than what they hired you for and you are uncomfortably bored and disappointed. Did you make a mistake? Or did you just stop growing? How would it feel to tell a prospective employer that you took a job, the conditions changed and you realized you couldn’t grow there?  Would feel pretty clear and clean to me.  How about you?

When you choose growth, sweetums,  you always win. Why? Because even in a worst case scenario, you’ve learned something. Something that will allow you to do better next time.

OK, I will address the elephant in the room which frequently factors in stuckness – “What will other people think?” That’s a powerful mindset. And it’s easy to say, “Well, I don’t care what anyone else thinks”, isn’t it? But much harder to act in a way that runs counter to the beliefs of our families, our friends and our community of peers.

In a growth mindset though, my growth is my responsibility, and my commitment to myself. And if I am fully committed to my growth, then I can also be open and fully committed to yours. Which shifts the question from “What will other people think?” to “What will I think?” And removes another big stuck spot.

If you’re stuck, I’m telling you, all you need to do is make a simple choice. Just choose to grow.

If you’d like to get un-stuck and figure out where you need to grow, consider joining my What’s Next? Coaching Group, forming now for April.  Details?  Go here.