Interdependence Day

When dusk settles in on the evening of July 4th and you’re in that wonderful anticipating lull before the fireworks start, take a minute and remember what people across the U.S. are actually celebrating.

Independence Day.

But you could also call it Interdependence Day.

Because who are we as a nation if we didn’t depend on firefighters who step into burning buildings to save lives?

And police officers who come to the firefighters’ homes if anything is amiss?

And teachers who educate the children of firefighters and police officers?

Of course, teachers, firefighters and police officers count on doctors to help them when they’re sick.

And doctors couldn’t do their work without nurses and techs and paperwork people.

Can we agree that we need grocery store cashiers and even the high school kids who stock the shelves?

What about the men and women who fill the potholes, and the engineers who make sure bridges are safe?

Then there are the craftsmen who make furniture for our houses.

And for them, power company executives who make decisions which guarantee that the craftsmen will have the energy they need to run the lathes.

And, believe it or not, we have honest, dependable, smart people making sound public policy decisions which allow the power company to do its job.

Sometimes these people are called “politicians” or “civil servants” – much maligned, certainly, but I know many of them… and the best share a deep, profound commitment to our country.

There are others, too, with a deep appreciation of our country. Who are we as a nation if we didn’t depend on the men and women who choose to serve in harm’s way as airmen, sailors, soldiers and Marines?

They choose to serve. And many of them give the last full measure of devotion so we can live free.

Kind of like the founders of our nation.

Yes, it’s important to be yourself, and focused on your own life, liberty, and pursuit of happiness.

But Thomas Jefferson, John Adams and Benjamin Franklin knew about interdependence. I imagine it was on his mind when Franklin said at the signing of the Declaration of Independence:

“We must all hang together, or assuredly we shall all hang separately.”

You know, I’ve read that the ultimate expression of spiritual enlightenment is the realization that every individual on the planet is connected to every other individual on the planet. That we are independent individuals yet interdependent people.

You know that’s true. See, we all live it every day in a million ways, even if we’re not conscious of it. We depend on teachers and soldiers and cops and firefighters and doctors and engineers and politicians and civil servants and executives and craftsmen and millions of other people in our daily lives. And they, in turn, depend on us in some way.

We are all connected.

On July 4th, by the light of the rockets’ red glare, let’s remember that truth, shall we? And let’s truly celebrate what it means to be free.

[photo credit: Michele Woodward]

The Ties That Bind

It’s a big change you’re making in your life.  A step into the unknown.  A moment of redefinition.

People are telling you what it is you’re supposed to be doing.  And you’re not quite sure – you’ve been doing this thing for so long.  Can you do something new now?

What if you don’t like it? What if you change your mind? Will it be hard to find a new meaning? A new purpose?

Can you really do this?

Know what I think? I think: Yes, you can.

It will be hard, but you will do it.

And it will be what you make it.  So make it what you want.

Stay true to yourself.

Play to your strengths.  Which include integrity, insight and a wicked sense of humor. And a connected circle of deeply loyal family, friends and supporters.

You know this.

Sure, you are leaving one sure thing and going to another unsure thing, but you’re not alone. You’ve got people, my friend.

And these are the ties that bind. And they will bind to you regardless of your job title, or how you spend your day, or where you go.

If you let them, it’s your people that will guide you through to your next great thing.  Because I have a hunch that there is a next great thing out there for you, just waiting to be discovered.

What an amazing, life-changing prospect.

You’re a modern day Magellan, charting your own course. On a fantastic voyage of discovery.

Go on, then. Make your mark. Write your history. I’ll be right here, cheering you on every step of the way.

***

Good response to this post I wrote for Psychology Today.  If you struggle with delegating, take a quick read. I wonder if the client who inspired this will recognize herself…


Connection and Imperfection





Wow, last week’s story about Alice Sommers Herz was a huge hit.  In fact, reader Julie wrote: “I forwarded the link to the video on Alice to a dear friend of mine, who is engaged to an Israeli artist, and whose daughter is a wonderful pianist. Lo and behold a good friend of her stepfather knows Alice and her son Raffi! Small world!” Julie went on to forward me a note she’d received from Jerusalem from people who had attended Alice’s 100th birthday, and were thrilled to see the video of her.

My heart is happy. This makes me feel connected to people all around the world. Did I tell you? I found Alice’s story via Facebook.

I happen to love Facebook for the connection it gives me to old friends, new friends, soon-to-be friends and all of the things they’re reading, writing and watching.

Like Alice’s story.

And like this amazing presentation on overcoming shame from Dr. Brene Brown. I saw this short film earlier this week and had to watch it again and again. And send it to clients. And to my children. If I could have put it on a t-shirt and worn it around the block, I would have.

It’s that important. Want to watch it now?

Brene Brown Screenshot

Brown, a research professor at the University of Houston, has made her life’s work the study of shame and the impact of not feeling “good enough.”

Isn’t that something so many of us struggle with? Feeling “good enough”? Being sorta control freak perfectionists?

The underlying thought is, “If I’m perfect enough, then I’ll be worthy of the love and affection of others.” Of course, the flip side is, “If people see how imperfect I really am, they’ll know I’m not worthy of love and I’ll end up alone, an outcast living in a dilapidated shack in the woods hoarding tin cans, jelly jars and old newspapers, surrounded by 87 cats.” Hey, I know your nightmare.

So, to ward off the nightmare, all of life becomes this game of hide and seek – and what we’re hiding is our true selves.

But what Brown’s research shows is hopeful. There are people who live lives full of love and belonging. We all know them – they’re fun to be around. A breath of fresh air. Kind. And being this way comes down to whether or not you have the belief that you are worthy of love and belonging. Just a belief. It’s that simple.

How do you get that belief going in your own control freaky, perfection-seeking life?

Brown calls worthy-feeling, connected, loved and loving souls The Wholehearted. Her research shows that what The Wholehearted have in spades is courage - the courage to tell the story of who they are with their whole heart.

  • they have the grace to be imperfect
  • they are kind to themselves, even when imperfect
  • they are comfortable enough with themselves to be authentic, and forge relationships based on who they are – not who they “should” be

And they fully embrace their vulnerability.  The Wholehearted don’t for a minute think vulnerability is easy, but they believe that it’s totally necessary to be fully themselves. And to be beautiful.

Brown’s talk is so powerful. So many of us attempt to show an invulnerable, perfect, cool, jaded, hip-thing-du-jour kind of facade because we think that’s what people want to see. And, simultaneously, we desperately want people to like us.

But what the research shows – it’s pretty clear – is The Wholehearted are happy to be seen for who they really are. They know that the way to get the deep connection so many of us seek is to stop pretending to be something we’re not.

Be yourself, Dr. Brown says, imperfections and all, and you’ll have everything you want. You’ll be Wholehearted.

People of the Book


Looking for some magical summer reading? Let me recommend a book I’ve just finished: People of the Book by Pulitzer Prize winning author Geraldine Brooks.

People of the Book is the wonderfully told tale of one small book, an illustrated Hebrew prayer book created in the fifteenth century, and all the men and women who lovingly owned or protected it for over five hundred years. Brooks cleverly tells the story in reverse chronological order — starting in modern day with conservator Hannah Heath’s efforts to stabilize the condition of the book, and moving backwards until the mystery of the book’s creator finally unfolds.

Along the way, Hannah unearths curious clues and signs that give her deep insight into the history of the book. Through war and deprivation, through Inquisition and forced emigration — the power and beauty of the book causes people to go to great lengths to preserve and protect it. Hannah comes to see that the book is so much more than just parchment, ink and gold leaf.

It’s precisely this idea — that each book tells not only its story but also the story of every hand that ever held it — that appeals to me. It’s the feeling I have when I hold something that once belonged to my great-grandmother. What did she think of as she held it? What was going on in her life at the time? Did she travel far with it? Did she enjoy it as much as I do?

It’s the same feeling you can’t help but get when you stand on the steps at the Lincoln Memorial and accept the profound realization, “I am standing just where Dr. King stood”, or when you hike the Appalachian Trail and feel the spirit of those who’ve passed the same way before.

It’s a walk back into time, into a deep connection with someone else’s life.

And Brooks’ book shows that we’re all connected. Christian, Jew, Muslim — all worked to save one little book. Soldier, spy, scientist — each did his part, building on the work of others. Man and woman — engaged in creation of something lasting and magnificent. Yes, we’re truly the product of everyone who has come before us — an amalgam of their decisions, their actions, their hopes and their loves.

Perhaps you’ll pick up People of the Book. You’ll read it, love it, and leave it. For someone else to read. And to love. Part of the great continuum.

Getting Back To Work


Show me a woman 40 to 55 years old who’s been home with her kids, and I’ll bet you she’s had this thought at one point or the other: “Maybe I should go back to work.” And with the magic of my all-knowing, all-seeing swami-like brainpower, I’ll bet she’s also said, “Who’d hire someone like me, who’s gone 15 years without a pay check?”

It’s not that I’m able to read minds. I usually can’t. Rather, I am able to listen, and plenty of women are talking about how to transition back to work.

As a coach, I’ve been able to successfully help at-home moms find their way back meaningful and lucrative employment. Want to know how?

Know what you’re good at, and what you like to do.
Just because you worked 70 hours a week as a partner in a law firm, doesn’t mean you have to do that now. Many former highly skilled women forecast ahead and see a very black or white future, when it comes to going back to work. “I have to go back as a full-time partner or I can’t go back at all.” Not so, grasshopper. You are smarter and wiser than you were then. Just make an inventory of what was best of what you did in your job, and add in the things you like about what you’re doing now. There may be similarities, or eye-popping opportunities that arise from a crosshatch of your past and your present.

The gap won’t matter to people who know what you can do. Over 70% of jobs are filled by personal referral, so rely on your network of contacts — both from your professional days and from your at-home days. Let’s say you were a ferocious litigator who became a ferocious advocate for diversity in your children’s school. Perhaps you could go to a non-profit dedicated to diversity and offer your services. They might not need you full-time, but they might help you find your Bridge Job.

Love the beauty of the “Bridge Job”. The beauty of what I call the “Bridge Job” is that it’s often short-term, project-oriented, working for someone who knows you and has a specific need. Often the Bridge Job is just a means to an end — with the end being your next job. I recently coached a wonderful woman whose Bridge Job was in the Federal Government, working for a former boss. This position gave her a perch from which she could do good work, build her network, establish a salary level and get her self-confidence. I am pleased to announce that she recently left the government for a big, hot-shot job on Wall Street.

There was a time when I was a full-time mom, at home with my wonderful kids. Although I enjoyed my time in corporate America, and truly loved working at the White House, mothering my children was just about the best experience I ever had. But like a lot of women, at a certain point time and events collided, so I went back to work.

In some ways, I took an easy path — I re-started my consulting/coaching practice. And starting a business that reflects your own values, can be an excellent way to go forward. I am coaching several woman-owned small businesses as they grow and develop — and watching the institutionalization of things like flexibility and Bridge Jobs and openness is truly inspiring.

I am also coaching women who are taking the harder path: re-entering the corporate workplace. Their big fears? Who will hire someone with an “employment gap”? If they do get a job, will they have to work 70 hour weeks? Will they have flexibility? Will they have seniority?

Fortunately, the picture is beginning to shift for women re-entering the workforce. Sylvia Hewlett’s new book Off-Ramps and On-Ramps: Keeping Talented Women On The Road To Success (Harvard Business School Press), provides an excellent template for corporations and organizations to follow to ease the non-linear careers of women.

Attention all HR executives, recruiters and C-level folks who read this blog (and there are many of you): You need to get this book and take a long, hard look at the realities hiring futurists predict. Disqualifying candidates simply because they took time off to care for children, or elders, or their own health, eliminates a talented and vital portion of highly qualified individuals. Developing innovative ways to recruit, retain and support these people may just be the key to your long-term business success.

What Hewlett calls “The White Male Career Model”– continuous, goal-oriented movement; full time employment and office face time; ‘catching the wave’ of a big promotion in your 30s; primarily motivated by money — is falling by the wayside. I wrote about the differences between men and women a few weeks ago. If you recall, I suggested men are goal-oriented and women are experience-oriented in many aspects of life. Hewlett supports this idea with research that shows women — regardless of whether they have children or not — are more motivated by the connections they make in their work, and balance, than in monetary rewards. “The Female Career Model” then, would include nonlinear careers; a mix of full/part-time/project work; an ability to pass up promotions selectively; a focus on connections and experience over money. Hewlett’s research shows that women really want to ‘give back’ in their work — and be fairly compensated, naturally. But waving more money in front of a woman to get her to comport to the White Male Career Model is going to be an attempt that fails.

What she needs, and values, is connection, flexibility, and a culture that drops the stigma surrounding ‘dropping out’ or ‘cutting back’.

Before I close, I want to tell you about a friend of mine who worked in politics and government. She was a very successful and well-regarded human resources executive. Then she married (a great guy) and they had children. My friend stepped back from her work and became an at-home mother. After the disputed 2000 election, she was called to “help” with the mountains of personnel paperwork piling up. It was a short-term position that ended up going something like 18 months. She went back to mothering. Then, she was approached about taking a big, full time job in the government, which she did. She called me one day and said, “Anyone can do this, Michele. It’s not hard. You don’t lose your skills — it all comes back!” Today, this friend of mine serves as one of the highest ranking women in the White House — she’s Anita McBride, former at-home mom, now Chief of Staff to the First Lady.

You can go back to work after a gap in your employment history. It’s possible. Target people who know you, and know what you can do. Aim for a Bridge Job as you transition from one stage of your life to another. Select people and organizations who prize flexibility and other values important to you.

And, remember what Anita said, “You don’t lose your skills — it all comes back!”