Your New Yardstick

I have started and stopped this blog post seven times.

I have typed, back-spaced, deleted and select-all’ed myself into a frenzy.

Because I know what I want to say, but can’t seem to find the way to say it in 600 words.

Maybe it needs fewer words, less typing, less snarky pun-filled humor.

Let’s try simple, shall we?

Ahem.

To be happier, make your own yardstick to measure success.

Not your mom’s measuring stick, not your dad’s, not your suck-uppy cousin Kevin’s, not your office mate’s, not your boss’, not your neighbor’s, not TV, not Twitter, not Maxim magazine.

Don’t let anyone tell you that you’re a slacker if you don’t work fourteen hour days, or that you’re nobody if you don’t travel for work.  Don’t listen to anyone tell you that all the cool kids are litigators. Or brand managers. Or social media gurus.  Ignore those who hold that you’re a loser if you’re not pulling down six figures. Or seven. Plug up your ears when you hear that you are throwing away your degree and experience when you decide to start your own business.  Or when you take a break from working to care for your small children, your sick father or your ill spouse.

All of that is someone else’s measure of what’s right for you.

What’s right for you?

You decide.

Because when you gauge your life by someone else’s measure, you will always come up short.

Build your yardstick with a mark for playing to your unique strengths. Scratch another line for your values, one for your passions, another for the realities of your life, and what it is that you really want.

Mark your integrity, your goals, your purpose in life.

Then stand back and take a look at what you’ve created.

Looks like success, doesn’t it?

Loving Change

It’s funny. I am usually the cock-eyed optimist who writes about how to create more happiness and joy in your life and your work.

I often tell you to focus on what’s working, and do more of that, and do less of the stuff that drains you or makes you unhappy.

I will tell you that’s The Secret of Life.

However.

Today, I’m telling you that sometimes, to make a change, you have to dwell in what really stinks.

Today, I’m suggesting that you have to wade right in and bathe in what’s worst about your situation to really make a change.

You know, maybe it’s human nature to hate change. Maybe it’s human nature to gaze at the bright side and tell ourselves that it’s really not so bad, this is what we need to do, maybe something else would be worse. Or harder. Or suck even more than the sucky thing we are already acquainted with.

But when you’re exhausted, or sick, or heavier than you need to be… Or when you have a short fuse, or are constantly on edge, or hate going into your office…

Then you’ve gotta start loving change.

It’s kind of like making your grandmother’s favorite casserole. The recipe calls for sour cream, butter, cream of mushroom soup, cream cheese and cheddar. You love your grandmother, and you love her cooking. Brings back memories. But eating sour cream, butter, cream of mushroom soup, creamed cheese and cheddar all baked together is not how you want to live your life today.

To change the recipe to suit the way you want to eat today, you make changes. Substitutions. Like using chicken broth, herbs, more protein. Sure, it’s not grandma’s recipe exactly. It might taste kind of like hers, but really – it’s yours now.

You know I have the idea that we each have 100 units of energy to spend each day. Yesterday’s are gone, and tomorrow’s belong to tomorrow. All you’ve got is 100 to use today. And if you have created day-after-day which calls for 120, you’ve got a problem.

It’s just like having too much dairy and fat in a recipe.

Something’s gotta go.

This is something that I’ve begun to realize about my own life. There are tactics, approaches, habits, ways of being, that worked for me as a coach, say, five years ago, but don’t particularly work for me today.

So, I’m going to let them go.

I’ll admit it – I feel a little uncertain about the changes I’m going to make. Will they work? Will I be happy? Will I make the revenue I want to make?

Truth? I don’t know. I could be making a mistake.

But.

The alternative – not making a change – feels like continuing to eat food that’s satisfying, but not really supportive of the way I really want to live.

You’re probably wondering what I’m going to do.

Right?

I’m going to do less one-on-one coaching, and focus on groups, workshops, retreats and speaking. I’m talking about having maybe five individual clients. That seems about right to me.

And it’s a big shift. Because right now? I’ve got about 20 individual clients. And the paradigm for many coaches is a plethora of clients. For many coaches, that’s their bread and butter. The source of most of their revenue. And I’m letting that go.

Kinda scary.

What I want is more time to create. What I want is more time to focus. What I want is a few of the absolutely right clients to work with very closely. And I want a bunch of the absolutely right people to work with in groups.

Because I have a priority around creating. Which is hard to do when you’re flat out. So I am reallocating my energy units so I can have the space, and time, to create.

Maybe you’ve created a recipe for your life that once worked, but isn’t working so well for how you want to live your life today. If so, wade right in and figure out what ingredients need to be swapped out. Figure out how to make a satisfying dish out of healthier stuff. And love that change.

Change: Tastes great. And, less filling.

Pay For It?

Knowing when to ask for help is a hallmark of health.

Not a sign of weakness.

Or of moral collapse.

Nope, asking for help is a sign of self-awareness and strength.

And I am feeling quite self-aware and strong this week because I not only asked for help, but I got it.  I was so serious about getting help, darlings, that I paid for it.

When I’m willing to pay, I know I’m serious.

Now, for someone who has written a book with “De-clutter” in the title, you may find it odd to hear that I hired a de-clutterer.  But I did.  And it may just be the best money I’ve spent in a long time.  Because what had been a problem area – an unfinished storage area in my basement stuffed to the rafters with junk – has changed from being a stinking, rotting albatross around my neck to a chirpy Bluebird of Happiness on my shoulder.

I’ve thrown away 15 boxes full of junk.  Nine large green trash bags of… trash.  I have sorted toys and clothes and a huge pile of stuff is going to Goodwill.  And what I’m keeping is stuff I want, or is useful, or is loved.

I feel so relieved.  And happy that the thing I no longer need might be just the thing someone else will love.

And I couldn’t have done it on my own.  I know this.  How?  Because I routinely went down there, trash bags in hand, opened the door, full of intention to Clean This Place Up, and got immediately overwhelmed.  Where to start? How to start?  I’d usually end up heaving a huge sigh as I turned on my heel, snapped off the light and shut the door. Until I got up the courage to go down there again, which would always end in the same frustrating and diminishing result:  nothing done.

By getting the right kind of help this week, I was able to get the right kind of result.

So that’s why I hired a coach, too.

For someone who is a coach, you may find it odd to hear that I hired a coach.  But I did.  And it just may be the best money I’ve spent in a long time.  Because I was able to get clear on some very important things about my business and my life.  Clear enough to make really good decisions.

Now, I have to say that I’m one lucky woman.  I am in a circle of exceptional, generous coaches who coach each other on an as-needed basis.  It’s a tremendous gift and I am very grateful for the connection with these wonderful people.  But there is something that happens when you pay for what you need.  Maybe you take it more seriously, because you’re invested.  Maybe it has to do with making a commitment.   Maybe the formality of sending a check amps the meaning up a bit.

Regardless.  By working with a coach, I will be a better coach.  A happier person. And that’s a great “get”.

So, let’s talk about you.  Where do you need help?

Can you identify the results you’d like?  And find the perfect person to help you get there?

Can you call them today?  And to prove that you’re serious about getting this thing done, pay them?

Because, trust me, your life will be so much better when you do.

Always Let Them See You Sweat

So, here’s the thing.

In an effort to appear calm and confident…

In an attempt to be kinda cool…

In adopting the detached pose of the uber-jaded…

Some have decided that the only way to succeed at work is to never let anyone see you sweat. As if the tag line to an ’80s commercial was the Golden Rule.

And I can understand where this comes from. Really. Chickens with their heads cut off rarely engender confidence.

But.

If what you’re doing looks effortless and – poof! – produced just as easy as that… when, in point of fact, you have been working 16 hours a day for 10 days with 75 people on your team in order to produce that singular, flawless product…there’s a disconnect there.

And bystanders and bosses might think, “Hey, what she’s doing is not that hard. Any idiot can do it.”

And you don’t get the raise.

Or the bonus.

Or the contract.

And I know this how? Because it’s happened to me. Fairly recently.

I was asked to provide a proposal for something I do very well. I created a crackerjack plan, and priced it accordingly. And was told, “It’s not that much work. We’ll pay you half.”

Honey, it was every bit as much work as I proposed. Maybe even more. But, see – when I have done this work in the past, I have made it look easy. Too easy. So people think it’s no big thing. And not worth paying for, because it’s…no big thing.

[In case you're wondering, I turned down the opportunity to work for half-price, thank you very much.]

When I coach clients who are starting their own businesses – especially coaches and consultants – self-underpricing, self-undervaluing is a real Achilles heel. Especially for women. We want to look cool, calm and collected. We want to look professional. Maybe we hold a position no woman has ever held before. Or we feel weird about money.

So we say, “Sure, I can produce that for you,” even though we know it will take a miracle, two fortuitous accidents and some pixie dust to pull it off. And with any luck (we cross our fingers) we’ll break even.

But, never, under any circumstances, will we let the client know how hard it was to do.

Which means they may not pay the value of the solution you offer. Or balk at your bill when you send it.

Or let you go when the budget needs some trimming.

Don’t be a quiet sufferer. Instead, be the kind of person who says, “What you’re asking is hard, but I think I can do it.” Be the kind of person who is truly authentic about how much work is involved. Be the person who says, right up front, “What you’re asking will take me 40 hours to do at $X/hour. I’ll need two other people. And I can get it to you by Tuesday the 10th. How’s that going to work for you?”

And after you’ve delivered, rather than the rote saying of, “No big deal”, feel free to say, “It was a lot of work, but I’m really happy with the way it turned out.”

Value what you do, my friends, and others will, too.

Word to the wise – make sure you use the “I” pronoun. Ever noticed that when talking about work success men almost always say “I” while women often default to “we”? Women tend to be collegial and consensus-building kinds of leaders and managers, and have a difficult time taking individual credit. Think about it, though: which pronoun properly places credit where credit is due?

“I”, of course.

So, say “I”, and if you want to recognize members of your team who did a good job – because you’re fabulous you will want to – go ahead and say, “Tom really managed the spreadsheets” or “Megan was super with the contractors” or “Denise kept all the trains running on time.” Your people will appreciate the individual shout-out, and credit will be properly spread around.

Let me bottom-line this for you: when you let people see exactly how much effort you’re putting in — when you let them see an appropriate amount of sweat — you are giving them a way to understand the value of what you produce. Each drop of sweat adds to your perceived value. Each drop of sweat seals your expertise and ability.

So, forget deodorant commercials and their irksome jingles. Do yourself a favor: Always let them see you sweat.

You’re a superstar. All you’ve got to do is…let it show.

Anticipay-yay-tion

Hate to break it to you this way… but it’s almost a new year. Crazy, huh?

Well, even though 2010 seems like it should be far in the future, I have started looking at it — what I want to do, how I want to work, how can I serve — and I have some announcements about great new programs and services I’ll be offering. Pretty psyched about it. More next week.

And I’m also looking way beyond work stuff. I’m looking at life stuff. The whole picture. And making plans.

Want to make plans too?

Now, I know some of you hear the word “plans” and immediately choke up and feel all closed in and trapped and as if you have no options and someone’s going to make you do stuff you don’t want to do and now you feel all nervous and need to take a break, catch your breath and slow your heart rate, thank you very much.

OK, I get it.

If “plan” makes you get all heebie-jeebie, then let’s think in gentler terms. Let’s think of making “anticipation”. Simpler, huh?

Let’s take a look at your life and anticipate where you might have to pay more attention, or act. Or even do something a tiny bit in advance to prevent a larger problem.

We’ll even break it down into categories to make it super easy:

Where You Live – Walk around your place with a notebook and a pencil. How’s the carpet? The couch? The paint? The appliances? Anything need replacing or repair in the coming year? Anything you’d like to change? Do you even want to keep living here?

Where You Work – Anything you want to accomplish at work? Anything on your performance review that you need to take care of? A class? A certification? Want to find a new job? What do you need to have in place to do that?

Who You Love – What’s the state of your most intimate relationships? What would you like to do more of? Less of? Is there something you’re not doing at all, and would like to try? Need more connection? How could you get that? Want a partner? Are you acting as if that’s what you want, or are you playing it cool?

How You Take Care of Yourself – How is your self-care? Are you feeding yourself – literally and figuratively – well? Will you need a physical exam, mammogram, prostate exam, colonoscopy, flu shot or dentist visit this year? Anything elective you want to attend to, like braces or plastic surgery? Are you resting enough? Is there anything you want to learn this year? Anything you want to master?

Here’s a little secret I’ve learned — pick one area, and improve that. Then move on to another, then another. Because when you try to do it all at once you dice up your attention into such small pieces that you can’t really accomplish much. When you put your attention on one area, and it improves, other areas quite naturally follow suit.

Again, it’s about anticipating. To be aware of your life and your realities and take an advance look so that you can deal with stuff effectively.

Cuz we all got stuff, don’t we? But stuff doesn’t necessarily have to be bad, or hit us completely out of the blue, or be unmanageable.

By anticipating — planning a wee bit in advance — you can take that which is tough and make it tender. You can make tomorrow happier than today.

Because when you are able to anticipate you are able to create. When you anticipate, you have the power to create, rather than just living in reaction mode. And what you are creating, through anticipation, is a happy, forward-thinking way to live.

Just like the lyrics to that old song, “We can never know about the days to come, But we think about them anyway…stay right here, because these are the good old days.” They are, indeed, the good old days when you can greet them with anticipay-yay-tion.

[thank you Carly Simon]

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