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That Hard Conversation

August 28, 2011 By 1 Comment

Your voice is your strongest asset. Yet too many of us swallow our words and mute our voices because we don’t feel comfortable – in fact, feel rather icky – with anything smacking even a bit of “confrontational”.

Let’s make it easier, shall we?

The 5 Key Questions:

1. What needs to be said?

2. Why does it need to be said?

3. Who needs to say it?

4. When does it need to be said?

5. What do I hope happens after it’s said?

So, #1, what do you need to say? You’ve been dwelling on it, I know, but work it out or practice with yourself or a piece of paper. Trust me, don’t practice with a colleague or your 12 year old. Remember that old WW2 adage: “Loose lips sink ships” and get absolutely clear all by yourself on what needs saying. Truly, I cannot tell you the number of times clients (and me, too) have confided in a co-worker, or a friend who turned out to be less than trustworthy. Sorry to say, but it happens. With sad and unhappy consequences. So work it out by yourself first. Practice it. Use “I” phrases, as in “I really don’t appreciate the f-bomb, Tony. Can you stop using it around me?” Got it?

OK, with #2 it all comes down to this: you have to know your “why”. How do you feel not saying it? Make your response short and sweet as you’re working through the questions. Because you’ll come back to this in #5.

#3 will give you heartburn. Especially those of you upon whose broad shoulders rest the cares and worries of everyone in the world. You know, you’ve got all those people who come to you with their concerns, troubles and peeves, and de facto ask you to take care of it for them. Yes, you are strong. Yes, you are smart. But sometimes what needs to be said is someone else’s business. If it is? Keep your nose out. Say, “Wow. Sounds tough. What are you going to do about it?” That’ll work.

Remember: Your voice is precious. Use it wisely.

Timing is everything, and #4 reflects that idea. Difficult conversations become less difficult when you have them at the right time. Research shows that the best opportunity to change behavior comes as close to the action as possible. So an immediate correction when someone drops the f-bomb (if that’s the problem), or when a jibe cuts a little too close will give you the best chance to change the situation.

Dealing with a troubling situation in the moment also keeps the anxiety from building like a rolling snowball of ick. Deal with it while it’s still a flake and it will stay small.

However, if it’s a tense situation, then finding a time – soon – when things are calmer to give feedback and use your “I” phrase.

Because feedback is all you’re giving, right?

#5, what do I hope happens? If I hope people will say, “OMG! You are so right! I have been wrong all these years! I finally see the light! You are so wise, strong and kind! Thank you, thank you!” – if that’s what you hope happens (your #3 “why”), you might as well stop. That ain’t feedback.

That’s all about ego – yours – and the ego is a lousy foundation for action.

With #5, the ultimate outcome you hope for is that you have used your voice. That you can stand up for yourself. That you are the best advocate for yourself and you are on the record with what is acceptable to you and what is not. That you are known and seen.

Whether you are asking for a raise, or correcting an employee, or correcting your boss, following these five steps will make “confrontation” a little easier.

Next week? How about we talk about bullies…?

[This post first appeared last week in a private message to members of The Club - my low-cost coaching program. There are a handful of available slots now - if you're looking for great tools, private laser coaching with me, and access to free classes, recordings and other features, won't you join now? More information here.]

Filed Under: Authenticity, Clarity, Managing Change Tagged With: , , , , 1 Comment

Yes, This Is For You

July 25, 2010 By 3 Comments


caregiving


In case you’re wondering, I’m writing this for you today.  Because I know how much you struggle.  I know how you try to be brave and strong, and try to be positive, and try so very hard to bring only good things into your life.

In an effort to preserve the peace, you’ve swallowed your words for years.  Conflict or even the prospect of conflict – wow, that gives you an ache in the pit of your belly.

How can you be the person everyone expects you to be and say things that are hard to say?  Harder to hear?

What if people heard what you really had to say, and then got mad?  Caused a scene?  Decided they didn’t like you?  Fired you? Or left you?

Academics write books on effective communication and they always envision scenarios where both parties are equally committed to a positive solution. Like this actually happens in the real world.  Usually, one timid person raises a difficult something and a bully turns into rubber and bounces the pain back. You’ve been there, haven’t you?

Honey, I know you.  And I know just how hard this is – but I also know how much you suffer in silence.

Can I tell you something?  Every time you refrain from saying what needs to be said, you lose a little bit of your self. A little bit of your strength.  A little bit of what makes you, you. And one day you may wake up to find that there’s nothing left.

That’s the hollow and vacant space where your soul once was. That’s when you wonder who you are and if your life really has any meaning.

Don’t wait until you’re there.  Start from right here.  Pledge to yourself that you won’t walk away from the difficult subjects lodged in your heart.  Be patient and gentle with yourself – it’ll be a bit overwhelming to start reversing the pattern, because you’ve been out of practice for years.

Know how wonderful children are?  Know how they say the darnedest things?  Kids have the honest heart to ask, “Why?” And they have the presence to say “ouch” when something hurts.

And here’s where I’d like you to focus – on being like a wonderful kid. 

Simply say “ouch” when something hurts.

The easiest way to start having hard conversations is to focus on your own “ouch”.  Too many of us face difficult people and difficult conversations with the intention that we’re going to win by getting someone else to change, or by getting them to validate us by telling us, by golly, that we’re right!

When where you have to start is by claiming your own voice, and knowing that simply expressing yourself is winning.

It doesn’t matter what the other person does.  It doesn’t matter how they react.  What matters is that you have claimed where you hurt, and what that means for you.

Of course, your pain ain’t nobody’s business but your own.  So no blaming, and no name calling, OK?  Simply state, “I feel …” and get it out there.

Sure, it’s scary.  But start small.  Don’t jump out of the box by confronting the biggest, baddest pain you’ve ever faced.  Start with the small pain in the moment, be clear about what feels ouchy, use “I” statements and – guess what? – it’ll probably be no big deal to anyone else but you.  And each time you recognize and voice your ouch, you’ll build your muscles, and feel stronger, and then you can tackle the larger and larger ouches.

Until the long-held pain is gone and all you have to do is manage the little bumps and scrapes you get in the course of a day.

Won’t that feel good?  And instead of relentless, forced happiness, you’ll feel truly happy.

Which, my friend, is everything.

Filed Under: Authenticity, Clarity, Happier Living Tagged With: , , , , 3 Comments

A New Normal

May 31, 2009 By 6 Comments


You want to know how to change.

You want to know how to serve your priorities and your values.

You want to know how to do stuff differently.

I know you want this, because you’ve told me. You say, “Why do I keep facing the same stuff all the time? Why can’t I do things differently?”

Well, how about this: When normal’s not working for you, just make a new normal.

Meredith is unhappy in her work. She has a boss who says one thing and does another, and the ground is always shifting beneath her feet. Her normal is stressful, unpleasant, unhappy and needs to change. She knows this.

However, there’s this issue of the economy, and her deep-seated belief that she should be able to turn the situation around, and that she shouldn’t walk away from a challenge, and that maybe she’s doing something really, really wrong and there’s no job that would be any different.

Her normal sucks.

But the way she’s looking at the prospect of a new normal equally sucks.

Unless…

Unless she can change just one thing. One tiny little thing. Toward a new way of being. Toward a new perspective. Toward a new normal.

Like, maybe, starting with a difficult conversation with her mercurial boss. Maybe, just maybe, calling him out on his inconsistencies. In a productive and collegial way, of course. By doing this one little thing, she’ll shift her quiet, don’t rock the boat, please-please-like-me normal into something a little stronger, a little prouder, a little better.

A new, happier, normal.

One area many clients have difficulty with is having difficult conversations. Does just reading that make your teeth grind? OK, difficult conversations are… difficult. Speaking up can be hard. Saying something that might, possibly hurt someone’s feelings is so scary that many of us avoid saying anything.

And we internalize those icky emotions and end up all sick and unhappy and psychically smoooshed.

But when we create a new normal — a normal where we say what’s hard when it’s just a little bit hard, rather than waiting until until it’s big time hard – we break the old patterns and create a new way of handling “hard”.

Habits are tough to break, mostly because they feel so known and, therefore, feel rather safe. A new normal can seem impossible to get, because we’re so familiar with what we’ve got.

Got to open your eyes to the possibilities, darlings, and dare to live a new normal. Because the payoff is big. The payoff is a life of your own design, doing things you like doing, with people you enjoy.

Change is possible, and good. Happiness is attainable. Hey, happiness — it’s your new normal.

Filed Under: Clarity, Managing Change Tagged With: , , , , , , 6 Comments