Turn Your Love Around

I met the woman at a local coffee shop. She’s a Chief Operating Officer, working as an interim or temporary COO in situations where someone left, or the organization needs a turnaround. She’d been a coaching client for several months and her business was going well.

She had asked for the meeting because at age 42 she was feeling…stuck. Unhappy. Not quite…there.

The last time we had met, I had taken a gamble and suggested that perhaps her dissatisfaction was not so much around her professional life, which was humming along the way a great COO gets things to hum along. No, I had a hunch that she was unhappy because something was missing. And I said it. Out loud. “Maybe what you’re missing is a partner.”

And as hard as that had been to hear, she had come to see that what she wanted more than anything was, as she put it, “love and community.”

So, that morning we began to hone in on what “love and community” means — to her. And figure out how she could invite more of it into her life.

Here’s the point where I went all woo-woo on her. I told her a story about a green candle. See, I have this friend who is steeped in Native American culture and she recently told me to light a green candle on days with an eight in them — like the 8th, 18th, 28th — and say a prayer for increased prosperity. She’s kind of a bossy friend, so of course I did exactly what she said.

And within 24 hours, I had received nearly $11,000 in new money.

Another friend, Susan, lit the green candle and a house sold. $65,000.

But. The key thing is that you have to light the green candle and ask for prosperity for yourself AND FOR OTHERS. Can’t be self-centered, can’t be hateful and mean toward your enemies and exes. You have to be open and generous and spread the wealth.

So I asked my client, “How can you devise a little ritual where you invite love and community into your life, and claim your role as spreading love and community, too?”

She had tears in her eyes. She clutched her throat. “Oh. My. God.” she repeated over and over. “What?” I asked. “Oh, my God. I have been so greedy,” she announced. “All this time, I have been saying that I need to get someone to love me, and I have never thought a minute about loving them back. Oh. My. God.”

Right at that moment, I caught the tune playing on the sound system: Turn Your Love Around by George Benson. We both laughed at the utter appropriateness of the song. And I took the opening and ran with it. “So, how can you turn your love around? How can you walk around being a magnet for love and community? How can you bring as much as you receive?”

She said, “I know this is exactly what I have to do, but it seems like whenever I open myself up to a man, I end up disappointed.” She then told me a story about meeting a man who said he’d call and… didn’t. “What do I do with that?” Need I tell you that this 42 year old, green-eyed blonde is a knockout? So he’s not calling because she’s not a babe. There’s another reason. It’s her energy, her vibe, her mindset. We talked about how different it would be to meet men if her energy were focused on giving rather than getting — and how that would open her up to not only more men, but to more friendships.

We worked out specifics about how she can set her intention daily to be a creator of love and community and how she can express gratitude for all the good things in life. And, we parted ways.

When I got home, I had an email from her, saying, “YOU’RE MAGIC!” It seems that as she drove away from the coffee shop, she got a call from the man who had said he would call. I smiled. About an hour later, another email, “YOU ARE REALLY MAGIC!” She had received an invitation for an impromptu get-together with friends that evening.

Truth is, I’m not magic. Hard as that is to admit. Rather, she’s magic. And she’s magic because she was brave enough to move from focusing on what she was going to “get” and center in what she’s going to “give.”

Now. I am an Executive Coach. She’s a Chief Operating Officer. Was this executive coaching? Or woo-woo coaching, or what?

Here’s the way I look at it: people are people, and everyone’s personal life influences their professional performance. By spending this one hour on her personal life, and beginning to shift her area of dissatisfaction into greater satisfaction — this COO’s work performance will only be enhanced. Her life will be happier.

And that is why I do what I do.

What It Takes To Be A Successful Coach

I have an uncle who says, “Honey, when you’re up to your ass in alligators, the trick is — not to get in any deeper.”

And I am up to my ass in alligators around coaching. But I am going to get in deeper. Sorry, Unk.

I coach people everyday. I coach groups frequently. I teach people how to become a coach. I talk to people who are thinking about becoming a coach. I design coach events. Coaches are my business partners. I’m a Master Coach, for crying out loud. For fun, I talk to other coaches. In my spare time, I read books about coaching.

Ass, meet alligators.

But it’s OK — see I’m passionate about the field of coaching and the power it has to unlock the locked, and to free people to live lives of their own design. In fact, part of living a life of MY own design is coaching. So I am immersed, and that’s a good thing.

Over the last five years, I’ve seen good people go into coaching with excellent intentions and terrific skills — and a few years later they’re not coaching full-time. Or part-time. Or at all.

And I have seen people move out of training right into booked solid practices, and create a national reputation seemingly overnight. Amazes me.

When you consider that 80% of all small businesses fail in the first five years, and that only 20 percent of coaches can actually live off of their coach earnings — why would anyone become a coach?

I’m going to suggest that the right question to ask right here is not why — but who? Who becomes a successful coach?

And what is success? Here’s my working definition of a successful coach: someone who has no difficulty attracting her ideal clients and keeping a schedule as full as she wants it to be. See, I’m not saying, “a success is a six-figure coach” or “a success is being a public figure” — nope. I’m saying that success is when you get what you want. Whatever that is. For you.

So, let me tell you what I have observed in every successful coach I have ever encountered:

Entrepreneurial: Every single successful coach I know has an entrepreneurial spirit. She’s open, she’s agile, she’s willing to take a risk, she’s comfortable working in her own business by herself. People who like structure and belonging often find great jobs working as internal coaches. But people with their own practices succeed because, at heart, they are entrepreneurs.

Self-Starter: Successful coaches make opportunities rather than wait for opportunities to arrive. Reflection is dandy, but action is what makes money. Successful coaches know this.

Extroverted: Let me refer to the Myers-Briggs here — Extroverts get energy from being around people. Successful coaches get energy from being around people. Ergo, successful coaches are Extroverts, which is what allows them to network, give speeches/presentations/workshops, ask questions in crowded room, I can go on. And on. Can an Introvert be successful? Sure. But all other things being equal, an Extrovert makes the time and space to really connect with people and that’s how you attract clients.

Expert: The old adage is “anyone can coach anyone about anything” which is, to some degree, true. However, if I want to start a business efficiently, it would behoove me to work with someone who knows how to do that. If I want to write a book, the smart thing is to get a writing coach. If I want to cope with divorce, how about a divorce coach? Every successful coach I know has an expertise which is a huge part of their positioning and marketing. Generalists can’t differentiate themselves in a crowded market — experts can.

Empathetic: When I think about the great coaches I know, each of them is wildly empathetic. They relate to more to their clients — and less to their own ego. But. As empathetic as these great coaches are, they don’t carry the pain of the people they work with and challenge their clients straightforwardly and honestly. From the clients’ perspective, a good coach understands them but doesn’t allow them to get away with murder.

Visionary: Successful coaches see into the future and are constantly designing programs and products and ideas that will move them there. They also share that vision with others, and create a community around their view. Community = a client funnel. It’s that easy.

Creative: Nearly every great coach I know gets a total rush from being creative and finding novel and new ways to solve problems for themselves and for their clients. Great coaches are like great jazz musicians — they can riff on a theme and improvise staggering tools.

Focused: Maybe this should fall under Entrepreneurial, but the coaches I know are focused on their practices. Sure, they may be someone’s partner, someone’s mom, someone’s child… but at their core, they are coaches and they focus their energy on coaching. Middling coaches have a lot of hyphens — Mary Kay saleswoman-realtor-massage therapist-coach. A successful coach, however, puts her professional energy around coaching first and foremost.

Communicator: What sets great coaches apart is the ability to communicate. You gotta do it some way — you write, you speak, you Tweet, you post, you something. The bottom line: successful coaches are able to communicate how they can help a client. If you can’t do that, you won’t get clients. At all. Coaches who excel are comfortable communicators. If you’re not comfortable, you’re probably not going to get the clients you would otherwise get. Sorry to say it, but it’s true.

If you want to be a successful coach — on your terms — evaluate how you stack up to these characteristics, and if you have a muscle or two that needs a workout and strengthening, then put your laser-beam energy there. Or partner with another coach who brings to the table those things you lack. Get what you need, one way or the other. I assure you that if you have every one of the things I have outlined, there won’t be any question — you will be a sure-fire success.

When Gifts Become Junk

Difficult people are so difficult.

Demanding, whiny, needy, unreasonable, unconscious, a pain in the butt, belligerent, jerk, fearful… I can go on.  Bet you can, too. Some people just sap the energy from the room.  Or are so negative and critical that being around them is never joyful.  Don’t you find your own mood shifting to match theirs? So what starts as a great day becomes a freak show.  What a downer.  Who wants to live like that?

So, you’ve got a Energy Sucking Black Hole Of A Person in your life.  What do you do?

This week I read a wonderful blog post by my friend Hiro Boga, called What Happens To A Gift You Refuse To Accept? and it got me thinking.

We are trained from childhood to always accept a gift even if it’s like the fancy soap that I once received as a gift — and the soap had been used.  Yes, I had been re-gifted.  And the original gift card from the original giver was in the bottom of the box.

We’ve been told to graciously accept even gifts such as this and write a thoughtful, tasteful thank you note.  Regardless.

Yet.

I have received gifts I cannot use.  Don’t want.  Don’t make sense.  That really belonged to someone else.  Sometimes these gifts reflect what other people think I should be, or should like, or should want.  Which aren’t gifts at all.

And these things clutter my life.

As I cleaned out a linen closet yesterday, I uncovered many presents I had been holding on to because they were gifts, afterall.  And one is supposed to be grateful.  So, I had stuffed them into a closet and they slowly turned into junk.  Junk which is making its way to Goodwill later today.

Feel a metaphor coming at you?

OK, so like Hiro Boga wrote, just because a person wants to give me a gift of… their negativity, their anxiety, their fear… I can simply say no thanks and let them keep it.  Because if I accept their gift, I clutter up the linen closet of my life.

It really comes down to: if I spend my time and energy sharing their discontent and helping them live their life, when do I have time to live my own?

People come to me for help with the difficult people they encounter at work.  And often it comes down to not setting boundaries, which is hard for so many of us.  A co-worker sits down to “vent” and we feel the need to help.  But we get drawn into office politics, gossip and drama — which keeps us from doing what we want to do with our lives and careers.

All theoretical I know.  So I will be practical.  We really need to do is reflect their “gift” right back to them.  Place it squarely in their hands — because it’s their gift in the first place.

And you do that by saying, “Wow, sounds tough.  What do you plan to do about it?”

That’s how you do it.  Kindly, respectfully, with boundaries intact.  And then you get on to living your own life.

Mentoring Mojo

When you’ve been mentored — when you’ve been really taught — by someone who is deeply invested in your success and well-being, your life is multifold in blessings.

One who mentors is someone who gives with no expectation of payback.  In my experience, a mentor is large of heart and measured of ego.   She’s kind, she’s funny, she’s a career fairy godmother.

And, today I have to write that she’s gone.

Because the mentor who profoundly affected me and my life, Anne Wexler, passed away on Friday.  And in the days since, I’ve been reflecting on the gifts I received from her.

Anne was a remarkable woman.  You can read more about her in The New York Times or The Washington Post. Yep, she was the kind of woman major newspapers cover. “She is easily the most influential female lobbyist in a world still dominated by men,” magazines said about her.  Yet, she was also the kind of woman who never forgot that she had been an at-home mom who had completely reinvented her career in midlife.

I worked for Anne for five years.  After my first maternity leave, I returned to the office to find that all of my peers had been promoted in my absence.  I went into Anne’s office and said something like, “I see there have been some changes while I was out.  Can I get my title changed, too?”  Anne’s eyes twinkled, “And what title would you like?”  I thought for a beat, “Queen?”  Anne smiled, probably templed her fingers, and said, “That, my dear, is taken.  What do you think of Senior Vice President?”   I took it.

She went on. “Now, while you were gone there was no one here to take care of me.  So, I want you to sit right there,” she pointed to an office outside her door, “and help me.”  I began attending all of her meetings, and we’d discuss strategy, planning, personality. We construct, we’d revise, we’d hash things out.

I sat at the feet of the master.  I soaked it up like a sponge.

And I learned so much about integrity — Anne’s client roster was solid gold with companies like AT&T, IBM, The Motion Picture Association, Comcast, and she never dumped a client for its better paying competitor, despite the lures of bigger money.   Anne always kept her word, or she wouldn’t give it in the first place.

I learned about how to take care of people — she was so loyal to people who’d worked for her, and that loyalty was returned.  During her recent campaign, Hillary Clinton praised Anne recalling how Anne gave Bill and Hillary their first jobs in politics.  But it wasn’t just the famous people.  Anne recognized talent where she found it, and had a prodigious memory.  Which is why she could build such broad-based coalitions in support of her clients — she knew everyone, peon to President, and treated each person with respect.

But most of all, I learned how to be a strong, confident woman who uses her voice even when she’s the only woman in the room.  Who uses her voice even in a room full of other women.

From Anne I learned more about how to be me.

Recently I was teaching a class for coaches on setting prices and valuing your service.  I told an Anne Wexler anecdote, which I’ll share here.  Anne once said to me, “Michele, if I can solve a billion dollar problem with one phone call, should I charge for the fifteen minutes of my time, or should I charge based on the value of the solution?”  Well, when you put it that way…

My friend Kathy Korman Frey, founder of The Hot Mommas Project, is offering an upcoming Mentoring Workshop and says that “Mentoring and role models are the number one success factor for women.”

True.  And I can trace my own success to having been “taken under the wing” of Anne Wexler. When I began my coaching business, I had lunch with Anne who asked me to explain coaching.  After listening intently she said, “I think  I’m a coach!” and I smiled and nodded.  Because she was.  Through and through.  Another example of her leading the way for me.

And, given the gift I received, it’s imperative for me to pass it on.  That’s why I mentor.  Anne did.  I will.  Hope you will, too.

One hard task I’ll have today is removing Anne’s name from my newsletter list.  See, she read these columns every week.  She’d write to tell me what she liked, and what she thought.  If you look in the forward to my book Lose Weight, Find Love, Declutter and Save Money, you’ll see I mentioned Anne.  I referred to her there as “wise and kind” — small yet apt and powerful words.  When I gave her a copy of the book, this woman who was on a first name basis with Presidents, Senators, Congressmen, and Cabinet secretaries beamed.

And so did I.

Yes, it’s hard to imagine a world without Anne Wexler.  But in many ways, I don’t really have to.  Because the lessons she taught me, her mentoring mojo, endure.  I am who I am in large part because she was who she was.

Rest in peace, dear friend.

Power Talk

Last week our Results Club session featured a fascinating conversation (if I do say so myself) with John Kador, author of 201 Best Questions To Ask On Your Interview, among plenty of other books.

John was talking about how to answer that old job interview chestnut, “So. Tell me a little about yourself.” John’s suggested response? “I’d be happy to tell you about myself, but first, may I ask a question?”

If you were the interviewer, what would you say? I’d say, “Sure, go ahead.”

And, guess what? By asking a question first, you’ve effectively changed the course of the conversation. You have the full attention of the interviewer and you are now in charge.

Don’t blow the opportunity.

John suggested you ask a question that is eerily similar to my Best Job Interview Question Ever: “What expectations do you have for this position?”

Great question. Because the answer tells you exactly what you need to focus on when you talk about yourself, your strengths and your skills.

And, I was thinking.

As I am wont to do.

Today, it’s as much about keeping a job as it is getting a job. And to keep your job you need to make sure people know how you’re contributing and how you’re fulfilling their needs.

Why not use this question — “what are your expectations for me in the coming months?” — with your boss, or your board, or, if you’re brave enough, with your subordinates? Why not use this question to touch base, and to “sell” yourself and your abilities?

Wouldn’t it be great to deliver exactly what someone wants and needs?

Wouldn’t that make you completely irreplaceable?

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