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Happy New (Fill In The Blank)!

January 3, 2010 By 1 Comment

OK, I live with teenagers. And teenagers are amazing, wonderful, vexing creatures. They are truly experimenters – trying on this idea, that sweater, this hairstyle, that belief system.

I love them.

Because they remind me to think outside the box and change things up, too.

Let me ask you this: Why is it, just because we started a new calendar year, that people do all sorts of planning, resolutions and intention-setting? (“Calendars are arbitrary and made up by some ancient Romans anyway, Mom,” says the Dude, true to teen form.)

Well, my coach brain says: “Doesn’t really matter. Today’s just as good as any other day.”

And I do love me a good plan. So, I jumped right on in, regardless of who made the calendar.  Just before the end of 2009, I released a Personal Planning Tool and about a thousand people have downloaded it.   You can, too, by clicking on the highlighted text.

What I tried to do with the tool is create a way to make a Plan That Works.

But let’s take a minute to talk about change. Because I can make all the plans I want, and if I don’t execute them… they ain’t nothing but paper.

And if I don’t execute them, it’s likely because I’m afraid of change.

Laurie would like to leave her job. She’s been there five years, there’s no room for growth, her co-workers are not “her people” and she doesn’t fit in.  It’s time to go.  But she can’t.  Oh, she routinely tries.  She puts together a resume, sends out one or two, has a coffee with a prospect and gets cold feet and stops looking.

Why?

Because she’s scared.  Because she tells herself that maybe  things aren’t really that bad where she is, that maybe she’s unhireable, maybe she needs that Master’s degree, maybe all jobs are disgusting, time-sucking, mind-numbing black holes – so in that case why not stay in the time-sucking, mind-numbing black hole that she knows?

Here’s the real thing holding Linda back – she sees no real, positive outcome to making a change.

Not one positive thing.

And until she can see one, she’s not going to execute her plan.

Same goes for Kristen, who wants to lose 40 pounds.  Ask her to envision an outcome to that kind of weight loss, and if she’s honest with you (and herself) she’d say: “People would expect more from me, because they would see that I can make things happen. Oh, wow, I might have to dress better. I might look like a hoochie-mama. I might find someone other than my husband attractive, I might get divorced, I might have to move. What about my kids? I dunno, losing weight would mean I have to change too much.”

Who would lose weight with that kind of dismal future in mind?

When you complete your Personal Planning Tool, there might be things you’ll need to change.  And you might feel some teensy (or humongous) resistance.  That’s the moment to say to yourself, “What will happen if I really do this?”  Listen to the negative outcomes and learn everything you can about your fears. But don’t let fear stop you, baby.  Immediately start focusing on one positive outcome.  Just one.

“If I find a new job, I can have more friends.”

“If I lose 40 pounds, I can start skiing again.”

Just one positive thing.  It’ll do the trick.

So, Happy New (Fill In The Blank)!  How are you going to fill your blank?

Filed Under: Career Coaching, Getting Unstuck, Managing Change Tagged With: , , , , 1 Comment

Make Your Own Thanksgiving

November 22, 2009 By




This week I’ve been thinking about money.

And how so many people get all weird and wobbly when it comes to talking about it. Asking for it. Having it at all.

And it’s interesting that they way our parents and grandparents handled money probably affects the way we handle money. I think about the woman whose immigrant parents struggled and sacrificed and lived in poverty. And now, even though she makes a million dollars a year, she hoards paper towels and soup… just in case.

Or the guy whose dad was a dreamer and a schemer. When they had money, they spent it – lavish dinners, fancy trips, stylish clothes. And when they had no money, they fantasized about how they’d spend it once it came back. Today, this guy has no savings and wonders what happens to his cash.

A couple of months ago I wrote When Gifts Become Junk – just because someone gives you a gift, like a legacy around money, you don’t have to take it.

It’s kind of like Thanksgiving.

I remember the first time I had to cook Thanksgiving on my own. I planned to carefully replicate the traditional family menu, but then ran into a little blip. Where my family had bread-and-oyster dressing, heavy on the sage, his family had cornbread dressing with plenty of celery and onion. My family was mashed potatoes, his was rice. Ours was brown gravy. His had hard-boiled eggs floating in a yellow gravy.

We each had our own idea of What Thanksgiving Is and What One Must Consume So It Is Truly Thanksgiving. Compromise felt like loss.

Oh, I come by the feeling of What It Should Be quite naturally – another family legacy. I remember my mother preparing Thanksgiving when I was a child. She looked at our loaded table and would always say, “You know, my grandmother would have chicken and dumplings, ham, turkey, fried chicken, and four different kinds of pie…this just doesn’t seem like Thanksgiving to me.” The fact that we had ham and turkey and three pies – never lived up to what Thanksgiving Should Be.

What a struggle. It’s the tension between fantasy and reality, really. It’s the tightrope of being present right here and now, and living in a storied and maybe flawed recollection of a “better time.” It’s an oppressive and unrealistic burden because the past you’re trying to match was probably not as wonderful as you recall. It probably wasn’t any more happy than you can make today.

So to be firmly here in the present, and living a happy life, there comes a point when you simply choose to make your own Thanksgiving.

Take a look at the heritage of your forebears and decide what you want to consciously take forward with you in your own life. It is absolutely OK – hey, it’s more than OK, it’s imperative — to decide whether you want to continue with the tiny marshmallows on the top of the super sweet potatoes, or go a bit healthier and replace that traditional dish with, oh, steamed broccoli.

You create your own traditions, not because what your parents and grandparents did was wrong. It may have been really right. For them. At that time. But now, it’s your life. You can create your own way of being in the world, darling, because you are you – not them.

Look at the legacies gifted to you by your parents and grandparents — around money, around relationships, around body image, around holidays – and decide: “Is this what I want for myself? Does this make me happy, or give me stress?”

If a tradition works for you, and makes you very, very happy – then keep it. If a tradition feels like a heavy obligation, and makes you very, very stressed – then it’s time to lovingly let that relic go.

Feel free to make your own menu, and it will be your own Thanksgiving. Every single celebratory day.

Filed Under: Clarity, Getting Unstuck, Happier Living Tagged With: , , , ,

Turn Your Love Around

August 30, 2009 By 3 Comments



I met the woman at a local coffee shop. She’s a Chief Operating Officer, working as an interim or temporary COO in situations where someone left, or the organization needs a turnaround. She’d been a coaching client for several months and her business was going well.

She had asked for the meeting because at age 42 she was feeling…stuck. Unhappy. Not quite…there.

The last time we had met, I had taken a gamble and suggested that perhaps her dissatisfaction was not so much around her professional life, which was humming along the way a great COO gets things to hum along. No, I had a hunch that she was unhappy because something was missing. And I said it. Out loud. “Maybe what you’re missing is a partner.”

And as hard as that had been to hear, she had come to see that what she wanted more than anything was, as she put it, “love and community.”

So, that morning we began to hone in on what “love and community” means — to her. And figure out how she could invite more of it into her life.

Here’s the point where I went all woo-woo on her. I told her a story about a green candle. See, I have this friend who is steeped in Native American culture and she recently told me to light a green candle on days with an eight in them — like the 8th, 18th, 28th — and say a prayer for increased prosperity. She’s kind of a bossy friend, so of course I did exactly what she said.

And within 24 hours, I had received nearly $11,000 in new money.

Another friend, Susan, lit the green candle and a house sold. $65,000.

But. The key thing is that you have to light the green candle and ask for prosperity for yourself AND FOR OTHERS. Can’t be self-centered, can’t be hateful and mean toward your enemies and exes. You have to be open and generous and spread the wealth.

So I asked my client, “How can you devise a little ritual where you invite love and community into your life, and claim your role as spreading love and community, too?”

She had tears in her eyes. She clutched her throat. “Oh. My. God.” she repeated over and over. “What?” I asked. “Oh, my God. I have been so greedy,” she announced. “All this time, I have been saying that I need to get someone to love me, and I have never thought a minute about loving them back. Oh. My. God.”

Right at that moment, I caught the tune playing on the sound system: Turn Your Love Around by George Benson. We both laughed at the utter appropriateness of the song. And I took the opening and ran with it. “So, how can you turn your love around? How can you walk around being a magnet for love and community? How can you bring as much as you receive?”

She said, “I know this is exactly what I have to do, but it seems like whenever I open myself up to a man, I end up disappointed.” She then told me a story about meeting a man who said he’d call and… didn’t. “What do I do with that?” Need I tell you that this 42 year old, green-eyed blonde is a knockout? So he’s not calling because she’s not a babe. There’s another reason. It’s her energy, her vibe, her mindset. We talked about how different it would be to meet men if her energy were focused on giving rather than getting — and how that would open her up to not only more men, but to more friendships.

We worked out specifics about how she can set her intention daily to be a creator of love and community and how she can express gratitude for all the good things in life. And, we parted ways.

When I got home, I had an email from her, saying, “YOU’RE MAGIC!” It seems that as she drove away from the coffee shop, she got a call from the man who had said he would call. I smiled. About an hour later, another email, “YOU ARE REALLY MAGIC!” She had received an invitation for an impromptu get-together with friends that evening.

Truth is, I’m not magic. Hard as that is to admit. Rather, she’s magic. And she’s magic because she was brave enough to move from focusing on what she was going to “get” and center in what she’s going to “give.”

Now. I am an Executive Coach. She’s a Chief Operating Officer. Was this executive coaching? Or woo-woo coaching, or what?

Here’s the way I look at it: people are people, and everyone’s personal life influences their professional performance. By spending this one hour on her personal life, and beginning to shift her area of dissatisfaction into greater satisfaction — this COO’s work performance will only be enhanced. Her life will be happier.

And that is why I do what I do.

Filed Under: Authenticity, Clarity, Happier Living, Random Thoughts Tagged With: , , , , , 3 Comments

What It Takes To Be A Successful Coach

August 26, 2009 By 12 Comments

I have an uncle who says, “Honey, when you’re up to your ass in alligators, the trick is — not to get in any deeper.”

And I am up to my ass in alligators around coaching. But I am going to get in deeper. Sorry, Unk.

I coach people everyday. I coach groups frequently. I teach people how to become a coach. I talk to people who are thinking about becoming a coach. I design coach events. Coaches are my business partners. I’m a Master Coach, for crying out loud. For fun, I talk to other coaches. In my spare time, I read books about coaching.

Ass, meet alligators.

But it’s OK — see I’m passionate about the field of coaching and the power it has to unlock the locked, and to free people to live lives of their own design. In fact, part of living a life of MY own design is coaching. So I am immersed, and that’s a good thing.

Over the last five years, I’ve seen good people go into coaching with excellent intentions and terrific skills — and a few years later they’re not coaching full-time. Or part-time. Or at all.

And I have seen people move out of training right into booked solid practices, and create a national reputation seemingly overnight. Amazes me.

When you consider that 80% of all small businesses fail in the first five years, and that only 20 percent of coaches can actually live off of their coach earnings — why would anyone become a coach?

I’m going to suggest that the right question to ask right here is not why — but who? Who becomes a successful coach?

And what is success? Here’s my working definition of a successful coach: someone who has no difficulty attracting her ideal clients and keeping a schedule as full as she wants it to be. See, I’m not saying, “a success is a six-figure coach” or “a success is being a public figure” — nope. I’m saying that success is when you get what you want. Whatever that is. For you.

So, let me tell you what I have observed in every successful coach I have ever encountered:

Entrepreneurial: Every single successful coach I know has an entrepreneurial spirit. She’s open, she’s agile, she’s willing to take a risk, she’s comfortable working in her own business by herself. People who like structure and belonging often find great jobs working as internal coaches. But people with their own practices succeed because, at heart, they are entrepreneurs.

Self-Starter: Successful coaches make opportunities rather than wait for opportunities to arrive. Reflection is dandy, but action is what makes money. Successful coaches know this.

Extroverted: Let me refer to the Myers-Briggs here — Extroverts get energy from being around people. Successful coaches get energy from being around people. Ergo, successful coaches are Extroverts, which is what allows them to network, give speeches/presentations/workshops, ask questions in crowded room, I can go on. And on. Can an Introvert be successful? Sure. But all other things being equal, an Extrovert makes the time and space to really connect with people and that’s how you attract clients.

Expert: The old adage is “anyone can coach anyone about anything” which is, to some degree, true. However, if I want to start a business efficiently, it would behoove me to work with someone who knows how to do that. If I want to write a book, the smart thing is to get a writing coach. If I want to cope with divorce, how about a divorce coach? Every successful coach I know has an expertise which is a huge part of their positioning and marketing. Generalists can’t differentiate themselves in a crowded market — experts can.

Empathetic: When I think about the great coaches I know, each of them is wildly empathetic. They relate more to their clients — and less to their own ego. But. As empathetic as these great coaches are, they don’t carry the pain of the people they work with and challenge their clients straightforwardly and honestly. From the clients’ perspective, a good coach understands them but doesn’t allow them to get away with murder.

Visionary: Successful coaches see into the future and are constantly designing programs and products and ideas that will move them there. They also share that vision with others, and create a community around their view. Community = a client funnel. It’s that easy.

Creative: Nearly every great coach I know gets a total rush from being creative and finding novel and new ways to solve problems for themselves and for their clients. Great coaches are like great jazz musicians — they can riff on a theme and improvise staggering tools.

Focused: Maybe this should fall under Entrepreneurial, but the coaches I know are focused on their practices. Sure, they may be someone’s partner, someone’s mom, someone’s child… but at their core, they are coaches and they focus their energy on coaching. Middling coaches have a lot of hyphens — Mary Kay saleswoman-realtor-massage therapist-coach. A successful coach, however, puts her professional energy around coaching first and foremost.

Communicator: What sets great coaches apart is the ability to communicate. You gotta do it some way — you write, you speak, you Tweet, you post, you something. The bottom line: successful coaches are able to communicate how they can help a client. If you can’t do that, you won’t get clients. At all. Coaches who excel are comfortable communicators. If you’re not comfortable, you’re probably not going to get the clients you would otherwise get. Sorry to say it, but it’s true.

If you want to be a successful coach — on your terms — evaluate how you stack up to these characteristics, and if you have a muscle or two that needs a workout and strengthening, then put your laser-beam energy there. Or partner with another coach who brings to the table those things you lack. Get what you need, one way or the other. I assure you that if you have every one of the things I have outlined, there won’t be any question — you will be a sure-fire success.

Filed Under: Career Coaching, Clarity Tagged With: , , , 12 Comments

When Gifts Become Junk

August 16, 2009 By 10 Comments




Difficult people are so difficult.

Demanding, whiny, needy, unreasonable, unconscious, a pain in the butt, belligerent, jerk, fearful… I can go on.  Bet you can, too. Some people just sap the energy from the room.  Or are so negative and critical that being around them is never joyful.  Don’t you find your own mood shifting to match theirs? So what starts as a great day becomes a freak show.  What a downer.  Who wants to live like that?

So, you’ve got a Energy Sucking Black Hole Of A Person in your life.  What do you do?

This week I read a wonderful blog post by my friend Hiro Boga, called What Happens To A Gift You Refuse To Accept? and it got me thinking.

We are trained from childhood to always accept a gift even if it’s like the fancy soap that I once received as a gift — and the soap had been used.  Yes, I had been re-gifted.  And the original gift card from the original giver was in the bottom of the box.

We’ve been told to graciously accept even gifts such as this and write a thoughtful, tasteful thank you note.  Regardless.

Yet.

I have received gifts I cannot use.  Don’t want.  Don’t make sense.  That really belonged to someone else.  Sometimes these gifts reflect what other people think I should be, or should like, or should want.  Which aren’t gifts at all.

And these things clutter my life.

As I cleaned out a linen closet yesterday, I uncovered many presents I had been holding on to because they were gifts, afterall.  And one is supposed to be grateful.  So, I had stuffed them into a closet and they slowly turned into junk.  Junk which is making its way to Goodwill later today.

Feel a metaphor coming at you?

OK, so like Hiro Boga wrote, just because a person wants to give me a gift of… their negativity, their anxiety, their fear… I can simply say no thanks and let them keep it.  Because if I accept their gift, I clutter up the linen closet of my life.

It really comes down to: if I spend my time and energy sharing their discontent and helping them live their life, when do I have time to live my own?

People come to me for help with the difficult people they encounter at work.  And often it comes down to not setting boundaries, which is hard for so many of us.  A co-worker sits down to “vent” and we feel the need to help.  But we get drawn into office politics, gossip and drama — which keeps us from doing what we want to do with our lives and careers.

All theoretical I know.  So I will be practical.  We really need to do is reflect their “gift” right back to them.  Place it squarely in their hands — because it’s their gift in the first place.

And you do that by saying, “Wow, sounds tough.  What do you plan to do about it?”

That’s how you do it.  Kindly, respectfully, with boundaries intact.  And then you get on to living your own life.

Filed Under: Career Coaching, Happier Living Tagged With: , , , , , 10 Comments
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