To Freak Out, Or Not To Freak Out

It was a year ago today – the Sunday after Thanksgiving – that I found the lump. The lump that turned out to be cancer.

And what a year it’s been.

That Sunday, I was at the computer trying to make sense of the strange things happening to my body. Of course, I used the symptom checker at WedMD.com. [Also known as "Hypochondriacs R Us."] One of the options it spit out was thyroid disease.

“I have a thyroid?” Seeking the best-of-the-best information, I went to the Johns Hopkins website, where I learned that my thyroid is a butterfly-shaped gland at the base of my neck, in charge of my metabolism. I put my hand there. It felt like a swollen gland. Hopkins said that if I swallowed and the lump moved up and down then it was likely I had a thyroid nodule.

I swallowed. It moved.

I freaked out.

It was not pretty. My mind raced from disastrous outcome to disastrous outcome. I spun story after story, none of them with a happy ending. Oh, I was a gray little Eeyore of a woman, muttering gloom and doom, misery and unhappiness.

But then I had to stop. Because crisis requires consistent, sustained focus. And panic trumps focus. Every single time.

And I had to focus to make my way through what was, at times, a baffling medical process.

The day after I found the lump, the medical machinery got moving with my first appointment with a doctor which led to an ultrasound of my neck which led to a fine needle biopsy which led to a meeting with a surgeon which led to surgery which led to a meeting with an endocrinologist which led to a meeting with a nuclear medicine doctor which led to radiation, which, months later, led to an outcome – disease free.

I never thought I’d say it, but I am so very grateful to have had cancer. It was a challenge I was handed, and I handled it. I’m more myself today than I’ve ever been. And I’m grateful for that.

And that’s my message to you today. Challenges will come. And they will come to you. And those you love. You may find, in that challenging instant, “To freak out, or not to freak out” becomes the question.

Freaking out in a crisis is a way to get our internal chaos to match the external chaos we face. There’s a comfort and balance in it, you know, because it’s all… matchy-matchy. But a freak out is not sustainable over the long term – panic saps your energy so you lack the ability to help yourself, or help others.

I’ve found that the ticket to managing a challenge is to freak out if you need to freak out, and do a thorough job of it. But then gather yourself together as soon as you’re able, so you can put your time and attention on whatever it is that’s facing you.

Because there is good stuff there if you know where to look.

Every challenge I’ve faced – and I’ve faced cancer, unemployment, divorce, death of a loved one – has been a moment of discovery. And, if you’re open to it, it will be for you, too.

A crisis point can be the moment when you discover what’s important to you, and the depths of your own strength and resilience. You discover who you really love, and who really loves you.

Getting the stuffing kicked out of you, ironically, provides an wonderful opportunity to become a fuller, richer version of yourself. But only if you let it. So why not let it?

Start At The End

In the seminal, thought-provoking, deeply spiritual film, “The Sound Of Music”, one of Rodgers and Hammerstein’s songs goes:

Let’s start at the very beginning
A very good place to start
When you read you begin with A-B-C
When you sing you begin with do-re-mi

Do-re-mi, do-re-mi
The first three notes just happen to be
Do-re-mi, do-re-mi

But, I’m going to turn that familiar refrain on its ear.

Because if you really want to change something in your life, you have to start at the very end.

You have to start with an idea of what it is you want, and allow yourself to understand what it will be like, what it will feel like, to have achieved the change you seek.

Perhaps you’ve heard of the Seven Habits of Highly Effective People. Stephen Covey wrote that little book — and it’s sold a kajillion billion copies since it came out in 1989. OK, to be really honest, only two of his Habits made me sit up and say, “Yes!” It was “Seek first to understand, then be understood” that helped re-orient my communication style, and “start with the end in mind” which gave me a framework for planning.

You know, it seems as though so many of us are on the way somewhere. But if asked, we don’t really know what the destination might be. We meander and lollygag and sniff corners, but, thank goodness, we don’t get off track! Because there’s absolutely no track to get off in the first place.

Because we’re starting at the beginning and not focusing on the end.

Is there something you want to do in your life? Get promoted? Get married? Lose weight, find love, de-clutter, save money, perhaps? (Funny how my book title naturally works its way into so many places, isn’t it?)

Whatever you want to do, start with the end in mind.

Tell me: What will it be like when you are the director of your office? When you lose 30 pounds? When you find true love? When you work for yourself? Inhabit those feelings. Visualize what your life will be like. Face any fears that come up and deal with them.

See, hear, feel, smell and taste what it will be like when you have what you want.

And by doing so you will be giving yourself a vision. A destination to point toward. You will have created a road map to your own success.

You will know what to do, and how to get there — because you know exactly where to go.

If you are meandering or stuck in the journey of your life, pull over into a quiet rest stop and ask yourself, “What do I want more than anything, right now?”

And with that end in mind, you can get started.

When Gifts Become Junk

Difficult people are so difficult.

Demanding, whiny, needy, unreasonable, unconscious, a pain in the butt, belligerent, jerk, fearful… I can go on.  Bet you can, too. Some people just sap the energy from the room.  Or are so negative and critical that being around them is never joyful.  Don’t you find your own mood shifting to match theirs? So what starts as a great day becomes a freak show.  What a downer.  Who wants to live like that?

So, you’ve got a Energy Sucking Black Hole Of A Person in your life.  What do you do?

This week I read a wonderful blog post by my friend Hiro Boga, called What Happens To A Gift You Refuse To Accept? and it got me thinking.

We are trained from childhood to always accept a gift even if it’s like the fancy soap that I once received as a gift — and the soap had been used.  Yes, I had been re-gifted.  And the original gift card from the original giver was in the bottom of the box.

We’ve been told to graciously accept even gifts such as this and write a thoughtful, tasteful thank you note.  Regardless.

Yet.

I have received gifts I cannot use.  Don’t want.  Don’t make sense.  That really belonged to someone else.  Sometimes these gifts reflect what other people think I should be, or should like, or should want.  Which aren’t gifts at all.

And these things clutter my life.

As I cleaned out a linen closet yesterday, I uncovered many presents I had been holding on to because they were gifts, afterall.  And one is supposed to be grateful.  So, I had stuffed them into a closet and they slowly turned into junk.  Junk which is making its way to Goodwill later today.

Feel a metaphor coming at you?

OK, so like Hiro Boga wrote, just because a person wants to give me a gift of… their negativity, their anxiety, their fear… I can simply say no thanks and let them keep it.  Because if I accept their gift, I clutter up the linen closet of my life.

It really comes down to: if I spend my time and energy sharing their discontent and helping them live their life, when do I have time to live my own?

People come to me for help with the difficult people they encounter at work.  And often it comes down to not setting boundaries, which is hard for so many of us.  A co-worker sits down to “vent” and we feel the need to help.  But we get drawn into office politics, gossip and drama — which keeps us from doing what we want to do with our lives and careers.

All theoretical I know.  So I will be practical.  We really need to do is reflect their “gift” right back to them.  Place it squarely in their hands — because it’s their gift in the first place.

And you do that by saying, “Wow, sounds tough.  What do you plan to do about it?”

That’s how you do it.  Kindly, respectfully, with boundaries intact.  And then you get on to living your own life.

What Are You Gonna Do?

Know that moment when someone indicates the sheer futility of action — when they shrug their shoulders, and say, “What are you gonna do?” Hand gestures optional, of course.

“What are you gonna do?” suggests there’s really nothing you can do. The problem is way above your pay grade.

There’s a lot of “what are you gonna do?” going around these days. And it’s awfully darn easy to feel powerless and at the whim of people and forces greater than you. Sitting back and feeling small takes its toll, though. Adds to stress, depression and encroaching panic.

A wise man once wrote that “A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step”. To get through the uncertainty and powerlessness so many of us feel because we don’t really know what we’re gonna do about the financial bubble, the housing bubble, the employment bubble, and the numerous other bubbles we hear about with alarming frequency — well, we can start by taking that first step.

Know your credit score. If there is a global credit crisis, people with good credit scores will be able to write their own ticket. Take a look at your credit report and make a strategy to raise your number. Each credit bureau will give you specific recommendations on how to do that. You might need to start by making your payments on time and in full. Or, if you have too many accounts, close some.

Start paying with cash. Yeah, I know. We’re used to whipping out the plastic. If you like the convenience of plastic, use your debit card. Oh, I hear you…you don’t have the money in your account to buy your three cups of $4 coffee a day. Do you know that you effectively pay an additional fifty cents for that cup of joe every time you use a credit card? And if you don’t pay off your balance in full, it compounds. Which, if I remember my math, means you pay…lots. Why not pay cash so you can keep on buying coffee down the road?

Beef up your job skills. I have had clients who have postponed the education or training their bosses have suggested. Just haven’t gotten around to it. But, believe me, when layoffs have to happen the most skilled and cooperative people will be the last to go. If training hasn’t been suggested to you, or if you own your own business, ask yourself: what can I learn that can make my work more productive? Then take that class.

Center in your strengths. I work with many coaches who are building their coaching practices. Too often, I see people struggle because they are not centering their business on their own strengths. Too often, they try to build their practices based on what someone told them works. Which often has nothing whatsoever to do with their own, individual strengths. Your strengths always energize you. Work from that place of power, and whatever your work is — it will thrive.

Double down. It’s tempting to face an uncertain economic situation and draw back. But while everyone is retreating in fear, you can move forward by being realistically optimistic. If your budget allows for it, double down on your marketing efforts. If your budget allows for it, take your kids to the fondue restaurant. If your budget allows for it, max out your retirement account.

Vote. One little action. So much power.

Live in gratitude. This morning I woke up and thought about the cheeseburgers I whipped up on the grill last night and was flooded with a wave of gratitude — I’m so grateful to be able to feed my family. Sound weird? Wouldn’t have been to my Dust Bowl-era grandmother.

Panic serves no one. Doesn’t make you happier, or more focused, or wealthier. So, “what are you gonna do?” You’re gonna take some healthy, strong steps away from panicked powerlessness — toward a happier life.

Sounds pretty good to me.

Investing In Friendships

We’re all so busy, aren’t we? Seems we’re constantly rushing from here to there — gotta get home, to the office, to the kids’ soccer game, gotta take the elderly parents to all their appointments. The dog needs to go to the vet, then there are groceries, laundry, doctors, commitments, obligations, this, that, the other zillion things — and a ton of stress.

Some people tell me that they’re so busy doing all this stuff that they can’t make time for their friends. And making new friends? Forget about it. “No one makes new friends after 40,” said one woman.

Yet, who’s happiest? Research has shown that it’s people with the largest social networks. How’s your friend factor? Have all you need? All you want? Are you making time to invest in your friendships, and insure your own happiness?

If not, don’t worry. There are four things you can do right now to grow your social network.

Make contact: Email is a great tool for nurturing friendships. Though your great-grandmother might be appalled that you’re not penning brilliant little missives on tasteful monogrammed stationery using a fountain pen with blue-black ink… contact is contact. Let your friends know what you’re up to with a quick email. Or, a simple “I’m thinking of you” can brighten a day. And, if you receive a message from a friend, take the time to respond, even it’s just a few lines. Of course, a phone call is swell and a “date” is even better. Read on.

Make time: Regardless of where you work — The White House or your house — schedule something with at least one friend at least once a week. Coffee, lunch, cocktails, cow-tipping, or whatever you enjoy doing together. I sense quite a few spit-takes at that suggestion. Wipe off your computer monitor and keep reading. Sure you’re busy. Are you so busy, then, that you have no time to be happy? When you make time for a friend, you grow and nurture that relationship. Ignore the care and feeding of friendships until you need them — and they may not be there.

Be yourself: The best friends are those who accept and enjoy you despite your flaws and shortcomings. Postponing friendships until you lose weight, or have a partner, or that nasty rash clears up — is just fear talking. Real friends will love having you around, regardless. And if you have to pretend to be someone you’re not around a person or group of people? They ain’t your friends.

Remember: Memorizing birthdays and astrological signs is not required. However, please try to remember the names of your friend’s spouse, and their children. Building a friendship means you need to know your friend’s preferences — when you continually suggest meeting for a nice juicy steak to your vegan friend… you are actually telling them that they aren’t quite important enough for you to remember who they are.

And, want to know the single best thing you can do to bring some new people into your life? Volunteer for something. Yep, volunteering — whether at your job or in your community — creates bonds with others based on shared experiences and interests. The sense of pride and accomplishment plus the satisfaction of giving back are all great side benefits.

Friendships bring joy, comfort and zest to life. Relationships are a fundamental building block of happiness. Staying too busy to have friends and human connection is simply a way of denying yourself the happiness that’s your birthright.

And where’s the joy in that?

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