August, 2000: Ten Years Gone

Exactly ten years ago – August, 2000 – I took my then 7 year old son Munroe on a mother-son trip to New York City.  It was so fun, and something we’d planned and anticipated for months. We took the train from Washington, DC to Penn Station.  We stayed in a swanky apartment near the Empire State Building.  He put on a blue blazer and a necktie and we went to one and a half Broadway shows (the second show had “way too much dancing” so we sneaked out at intermission). We rode the subway and ate numerous hotdogs loaded with ketchup at Nathan’s.

One of the highlights of our trip was a visit to our friend David Bloom on the Today Show set.  Munroe had asked, “When we’re in New York, can we see Mr. Bloom?”  See, David and his wife Melanie had twin daughters who were a year ahead of my son in school.  We’d gotten friendly, and when David got the Today Show job and they moved to New York, we stayed in touch.  I called David and asked if we could come see him – “Sure!” was his response, and he told me where to go and what to do.

2000 was such a different world from 2010.  When we got to Rockefeller Plaza that Sunday, Munroe and I simply walked in a side door – no security – and almost right on to the set.  A fellow in a headset asked if he could help, we said, “We’re friends of David’s” and were escorted right into the studio.  When Munroe caught David’s eye, the affable anchor shot him a wave and at the next commercial break, we were shown around the place.

David was a goof in the best possible sense of the word.  He treated Munroe like he was a guest on the show and made him giggle with a bit of silliness.  David smiled every time Munroe called him “Mr. Bloom” – I got the sense that David was never “Mr. Bloom” within earshot of the cameramen and electricians in the crew.  He delighted in having us there.

It was an absolute treat.

Thinking back on that trip makes me realize how much has changed in the past 10 years.

David Bloom died covering the war in Iraq in 2003.

Melanie Bloom has created powerful public awareness about the dangers of deep vein thrombosis – and happily remarried a lovely man who had also been widowed.

I got divorced, became a coach and wrote two books.

And the 7 year old boy who smiled on the Today Show set is now driving, shaving, and thinking about college.

Had you asked me in August, 2000, “What will your life be like in August, 2010?” I would have never envisioned this life I have now.

This life I love now.

So, I know this:  You cannot predict what the future may hold.

You cannot hold back change.

You don’t know if death or catastrophe will come to you – and you can’t live your life fearful of that possibility.

All you can do – all you need to do – is get the most out of who you are, where you are.

Take your kid on a trip. Call up a friend. Enjoy your life.  Giggle.

Because who knows what the world will look like in 2020.

What I Believe

I believe work can be fulfilling.

I believe you can thrive in your career.

I believe now is the perfect time to start your own business.

I believe that risk of authenticity is worth it.

I believe that leaders who replicate their own dysfunctional family dynamic are the biggest threat to a workplace.

I believe in speaking up.

I believe that change is a constant.

I believe that fear is crippling.

I believe that there’s no such thing as “perfect”.

I believe that someone right out of jail without a high school diploma can be a great employee.

I believe that someone with an MBA can be a great employee.

I believe that all great employees need a mentor.

I believe that the simplest solution is the best solution.

I believe that people are generally good, and want to help others.

I believe you never really lose when you make a mistake – you get to learn.

I believe most companies don’t really know how to compensate or incentivize their employees.

I believe some great leaders are born, and some great leaders learn.

I believe that workplaces can become better places.

And that’s why I do what I do.

And you?  What do you believe?

To Freak Out, Or Not To Freak Out

It was a year ago today – the Sunday after Thanksgiving – that I found the lump. The lump that turned out to be cancer.

And what a year it’s been.

That Sunday, I was at the computer trying to make sense of the strange things happening to my body. Of course, I used the symptom checker at WedMD.com. [Also known as "Hypochondriacs R Us."] One of the options it spit out was thyroid disease.

“I have a thyroid?” Seeking the best-of-the-best information, I went to the Johns Hopkins website, where I learned that my thyroid is a butterfly-shaped gland at the base of my neck, in charge of my metabolism. I put my hand there. It felt like a swollen gland. Hopkins said that if I swallowed and the lump moved up and down then it was likely I had a thyroid nodule.

I swallowed. It moved.

I freaked out.

It was not pretty. My mind raced from disastrous outcome to disastrous outcome. I spun story after story, none of them with a happy ending. Oh, I was a gray little Eeyore of a woman, muttering gloom and doom, misery and unhappiness.

But then I had to stop. Because crisis requires consistent, sustained focus. And panic trumps focus. Every single time.

And I had to focus to make my way through what was, at times, a baffling medical process.

The day after I found the lump, the medical machinery got moving with my first appointment with a doctor which led to an ultrasound of my neck which led to a fine needle biopsy which led to a meeting with a surgeon which led to surgery which led to a meeting with an endocrinologist which led to a meeting with a nuclear medicine doctor which led to radiation, which, months later, led to an outcome – disease free.

I never thought I’d say it, but I am so very grateful to have had cancer. It was a challenge I was handed, and I handled it. I’m more myself today than I’ve ever been. And I’m grateful for that.

And that’s my message to you today. Challenges will come. And they will come to you. And those you love. You may find, in that challenging instant, “To freak out, or not to freak out” becomes the question.

Freaking out in a crisis is a way to get our internal chaos to match the external chaos we face. There’s a comfort and balance in it, you know, because it’s all… matchy-matchy. But a freak out is not sustainable over the long term – panic saps your energy so you lack the ability to help yourself, or help others.

I’ve found that the ticket to managing a challenge is to freak out if you need to freak out, and do a thorough job of it. But then gather yourself together as soon as you’re able, so you can put your time and attention on whatever it is that’s facing you.

Because there is good stuff there if you know where to look.

Every challenge I’ve faced – and I’ve faced cancer, unemployment, divorce, death of a loved one – has been a moment of discovery. And, if you’re open to it, it will be for you, too.

A crisis point can be the moment when you discover what’s important to you, and the depths of your own strength and resilience. You discover who you really love, and who really loves you.

Getting the stuffing kicked out of you, ironically, provides an wonderful opportunity to become a fuller, richer version of yourself. But only if you let it. So why not let it?

Start At The End

In the seminal, thought-provoking, deeply spiritual film, “The Sound Of Music”, one of Rodgers and Hammerstein’s songs goes:

Let’s start at the very beginning
A very good place to start
When you read you begin with A-B-C
When you sing you begin with do-re-mi

Do-re-mi, do-re-mi
The first three notes just happen to be
Do-re-mi, do-re-mi

But, I’m going to turn that familiar refrain on its ear.

Because if you really want to change something in your life, you have to start at the very end.

You have to start with an idea of what it is you want, and allow yourself to understand what it will be like, what it will feel like, to have achieved the change you seek.

Perhaps you’ve heard of the Seven Habits of Highly Effective People. Stephen Covey wrote that little book — and it’s sold a kajillion billion copies since it came out in 1989. OK, to be really honest, only two of his Habits made me sit up and say, “Yes!” It was “Seek first to understand, then be understood” that helped re-orient my communication style, and “start with the end in mind” which gave me a framework for planning.

You know, it seems as though so many of us are on the way somewhere. But if asked, we don’t really know what the destination might be. We meander and lollygag and sniff corners, but, thank goodness, we don’t get off track! Because there’s absolutely no track to get off in the first place.

Because we’re starting at the beginning and not focusing on the end.

Is there something you want to do in your life? Get promoted? Get married? Lose weight, find love, de-clutter, save money, perhaps? (Funny how my book title naturally works its way into so many places, isn’t it?)

Whatever you want to do, start with the end in mind.

Tell me: What will it be like when you are the director of your office? When you lose 30 pounds? When you find true love? When you work for yourself? Inhabit those feelings. Visualize what your life will be like. Face any fears that come up and deal with them.

See, hear, feel, smell and taste what it will be like when you have what you want.

And by doing so you will be giving yourself a vision. A destination to point toward. You will have created a road map to your own success.

You will know what to do, and how to get there — because you know exactly where to go.

If you are meandering or stuck in the journey of your life, pull over into a quiet rest stop and ask yourself, “What do I want more than anything, right now?”

And with that end in mind, you can get started.

When Gifts Become Junk

Difficult people are so difficult.

Demanding, whiny, needy, unreasonable, unconscious, a pain in the butt, belligerent, jerk, fearful… I can go on.  Bet you can, too. Some people just sap the energy from the room.  Or are so negative and critical that being around them is never joyful.  Don’t you find your own mood shifting to match theirs? So what starts as a great day becomes a freak show.  What a downer.  Who wants to live like that?

So, you’ve got a Energy Sucking Black Hole Of A Person in your life.  What do you do?

This week I read a wonderful blog post by my friend Hiro Boga, called What Happens To A Gift You Refuse To Accept? and it got me thinking.

We are trained from childhood to always accept a gift even if it’s like the fancy soap that I once received as a gift — and the soap had been used.  Yes, I had been re-gifted.  And the original gift card from the original giver was in the bottom of the box.

We’ve been told to graciously accept even gifts such as this and write a thoughtful, tasteful thank you note.  Regardless.

Yet.

I have received gifts I cannot use.  Don’t want.  Don’t make sense.  That really belonged to someone else.  Sometimes these gifts reflect what other people think I should be, or should like, or should want.  Which aren’t gifts at all.

And these things clutter my life.

As I cleaned out a linen closet yesterday, I uncovered many presents I had been holding on to because they were gifts, afterall.  And one is supposed to be grateful.  So, I had stuffed them into a closet and they slowly turned into junk.  Junk which is making its way to Goodwill later today.

Feel a metaphor coming at you?

OK, so like Hiro Boga wrote, just because a person wants to give me a gift of… their negativity, their anxiety, their fear… I can simply say no thanks and let them keep it.  Because if I accept their gift, I clutter up the linen closet of my life.

It really comes down to: if I spend my time and energy sharing their discontent and helping them live their life, when do I have time to live my own?

People come to me for help with the difficult people they encounter at work.  And often it comes down to not setting boundaries, which is hard for so many of us.  A co-worker sits down to “vent” and we feel the need to help.  But we get drawn into office politics, gossip and drama — which keeps us from doing what we want to do with our lives and careers.

All theoretical I know.  So I will be practical.  We really need to do is reflect their “gift” right back to them.  Place it squarely in their hands — because it’s their gift in the first place.

And you do that by saying, “Wow, sounds tough.  What do you plan to do about it?”

That’s how you do it.  Kindly, respectfully, with boundaries intact.  And then you get on to living your own life.

Next Page »