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More Than Anything

July 26, 2009 By 12 Comments



I dunno. Maybe it’s just me. Or most of my clients. But I have a feeling it could be you, too.

A little exhausted, frazzled, distracted, uncertain? Sound like you? Sounds a teensy-tiny bit familiar to me.

So let me ask us a question:

“What do you want more than anything right now?”

Stop. You have an immediate answer, don’t you?  That’s your gut talking to you.

And you immediately reject your gut, because what it’s saying isn’t politically correct, or is hugely inconvenient, or it’s not what you’re supposed to want.

Am I right?

But, let me tell you that if you want to feel better — more passionate, happier, alive — you have to pay attention to that poor little rejected feeling.  Because the first glimmer is the key to unlocking whatever it is that’s holding you back.

If what you want right now is: a rest, a new job, peace and quiet, a boyfriend, a girlfriend, no friends, children, your children to be quiet, your children to get the hell out of the house — take a deep breath and hold the idea of getting what you want in your mind.  Believe you’ve actually achieved it.  You’re really living it.

How’s that feel?

Blissful?  I’ll bet it does.

Then, my friend, perhaps you should consider pursuing that which you want more than anything. Right now.

Which might mean something might have to change.

Beth recently asked me, “Does all change start with a crisis? Cuz it sure seems like it.”  I answered her with, “There seem to be three ways that change gets started.  In the first instance, there’s some sort of crisis that’s external — the shock of a sudden death, or an accident, or your spouse suddenly announces he’s been seeing a 19 year old pole dancer named Tiffani. It comes, often without warning, from outside sources.

“Another kind of change comes from an internal source — realizing you have to start being yourself, for example, or an uncomfortableness with the status quo — and that’s the second way.  It comes from inside you, and probably doesn’t involve Tiffani.  The third way is perhaps more subtle — it’s change that you’re only aware of after it’s done.  Think of it this way — it’s when you study and practice a language and then one day realize you’re thinking in that new language.”

So, let’s all think in a new language.  The old language may look like this, “I want everyone to think I’m a great, involved mother, so asking the kids to go outside to play would mean I’m a failure”, and the new language is, “I will be a better, rested, more engaged mother if I can get a little time to myself.”

The old language may be, “Everyone expects me to be a CPA for the rest of my life,” and the new language may be, “I really want to be a park ranger.”

The old language may be, “If I show how much I want an intimate partner, I’ll look desperate,” and the new language is, “I can only get what I want if I’m completely honest with myself and others.”

So, be completely honest.  What do you want more than anything right now?

And what does that tell you about what you need to do next?

Filed Under: Authenticity, Clarity, Managing Change Tagged With: , , , , 12 Comments

Doom & Gloom

September 21, 2008 By Leave a Comment


Imagine for a moment that you work for Lehman Brothers. One day this week you find out the firm has declared bankruptcy and your job and your retirement fund — poof! — gone. Your daughter left last week for her third tour in Iraq. Your son started college two weeks ago, and now your nest is empty. Your wife was just diagnosed with breast cancer. Oh, and you live in Galveston.

Let’s hope that doom and gloom scenario I just concocted didn’t really happen to anyone. But if you pay attention to the news these days, it seems as if everyone is living that kind of life.

Last night I watched so-called experts shout at each other about our global economic situation. One said, “This is the end of the world as we know it.” I thought: Really? You Wall Streeter in your groovy $800 eyeglasses, your bespoke $2000 suit, your trendy haircut delivered by a manicured ego-maniac who is known solely by a two-syllable, vaguely French first name. How exactly is your life going to change? Only going to make $2 million this year? Poor baby.

Another guy said, “This is a lot of ado about nothing. The fundamentals of the economy remain strong and this is merely a minor correction.” Guess he doesn’t live in Galveston. If he did, he might have a different perspective. He might just be freaking out.

So what’s what? If you’re freaking out about… oh, everything at the moment, how do you start to get a grip and find a way to cope? Are the pessmists right? Or the optimists? Where’s the truth?

Voltaire suggested in his satirical novel Candide that “tending one’s own garden” is the antidote to both unbridled optimism and destructive pessimism. So, can you step back in this moment of uncertainty and look at your own plot? Because that’s where the truth of your own situation lies.

How’s the health of your employer? Your industry? How’s your retirement account? Do you have too large a percentage of your assets tied up in your company’s stock? Need to shift anything?

How’s your personal financial health? Are you making your mortgage payment every month? How are home values in your community? How’s your spending? Are you paying your bills? How’s your insurance set-up? Enough coverage?

Check the health of your own garden so you can compare the shouting match hysteria with your own reality. If your house is still standing and it still has value; if your employer is sound and your investments are spread out; if you are managing to pay your bills; if you and your loved ones are healthy — you’re going to be fine.

You can stop freaking out.

If, however, you’ve got stuff going on, tend your own garden, sweetheart, and tune out the hoopla. Work out a refinance on your home, if possible. Arrange payment with your creditors. Take a second job if you need to, while you get your business off the ground. Drive your spouse to chemo. Send a loving email to Iraq. Move in with your best friends while your house is re-built — hey, it’ll be an adventure no one will ever forget!

It seems to me that the only people benefiting from debating the “worst financial situation since the Depression”, are the folks who want their Warholian fifteen minutes of fame. These people are not reporters or journalists, who are, by and large, a responsible and ethical crowd. The shouters, in my opinion, fan the flames of frenzy just so they can get more and more opportunities to be famous.

And we don’t have to listen to them. All we have to do is tend our own gardens. And remember: this, too, shall pass.

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Saying Goodbye

February 3, 2008 By Leave a Comment


It’s hard to say goodbye. As Shakespeare so aptly put it, “Parting is such sweet sorrow.” And in this life there is much to be parted from, often with much grief.

One man becomes suddenly, critically ill and must part with the idea of his youth and vigor.

One young mother loses her own mother, and must part with the idea of herself as someone’s beloved child.

One man parts with his wedding ring after his wife’s death, and lets go of the idea of himself as someone’s husband.

One woman parts with her home and possessions and adjusts to the idea that she won’t live independently for the rest of her life.

I’ve written about crisis and how it can change lives. Crisis forces a redefinition of who we are, and what’s important to us. Altering those fundamental views about ourselves is, no surprise, life changing.

Catalytic crisis requires us to move from the cocoon of “known-self” to “unknown-self”. Embracing the unknown is not something many of us handle particularly well… so, in the alternative, we cling fearfully, ferociously to our known-self.

Known-self may have worked for years. We’re comfortable with all the rules in known-self — and we can anticipate with confidence how we and others will act. Even if we know we’re unhappy in our known-self, at least we know what to expect! Who wants to upset the apple cart? But when clinging to known-self feels like pain, you will change it. Sometimes it seems it takes a crisis to show us just how ill-fitting known-self has become.

The prospect of unknown-self is murky, and for those with control issues, it’s precisely the unknowing that’s so hard. Parting with a definition that really doesn’t work should be, on its face, easy to do. However, parting with the known in favor of the unknown — that seems scary. It’s like emerging from the cocoon we’ve constructed as a worm and learning to live as a butterfly. None of the old rules seem to apply.

So, in those moments, remember: “parting is such sweet sorrow.”

When you say goodbye to something old that no longer fits, you open space for something new. It’s the opportunity for “new-self”. Which could be something nicer, better, happier. Could be something that helps you live more fully. Could be something sweet.

Be open to the opportunity for change that life brings. Welcome it. Because it’s your chance to flap your butterfly wings… and fly.

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Whelmed

December 2, 2007 By Leave a Comment


The other day a woman reported that she was feeling overwhelmed — she was trying to do so much that she felt she wasn’t doing anything well. Was multi-tasking the answer, she asked?

No, I answered, multi-tasking doesn’t really work. Try mono-tasking instead. Do one thing at a time. Do it thoroughly and do it well. Then move on to the next thing. Mono-tasking.

When you’re multi-tasking — trying to do two or three things simultaneously — you end up doing none of them well. Your stress level goes through the roof.

Face it, there’s just one you. You have the wondrous ability to give 100% of your attention to something. Multi-tasking asks you to divide your attention, and you end up with less than 100% on each task — and this is where errors occur… you end up spending more time fixing the resulting problems than you would if you gave the task all of your attention at the start.

Reading a memo while on a conference call when researching data and preparing a Power Point — you’re not truly engaged in any of these tasks and probably won’t have a great result. How much better to be truly present for the one minute it takes to read the memo, then participate fully in the conference call and make time later to do thorough, comprehensive research before you design the Power Point. That seems doable, manageable and calm, doesn’t it?

The opposite of overwhelmed, of course, is underwhelmed. Underwhelmed is what teachers generally feel about the work product of boys in their first year of high school. Wives are often underwhelmed by the anniversary gifts their husbands proffer — word to the wise: just because Hallmark says it’s the Paper Anniversary doesn’t mean paper towels are an appropriate gift. Hallmark is referring to the wrapping paper around the gift. Honey, every anniversary is the jewelry anniversary. That’s all you need to remember.

Underwhelm is often about our expectations of what others should be doing. And you know I have a deep dislike of the word ‘should’. In my life, I simply replace ‘should’ with ‘choose’ and feel so much happier. Rather than saying, “Charlie shouldn’t have shopped at 7-Eleven on Christmas Eve for my gift”, you can get to a level of acceptance when you realize Charlie chose to give you that box of frozen burritos — and you can ask him about that choice.

(By the way, Charlie, see above reference to The Jewelry Rule for Anniversaries. Same rule applies to Christmas. You’re welcome.)

Overwhelmed. Underwhelmed. It occurred to me this week that no one ever says, “I feel whelmed.” We’re always over or under.

Wouldn’t it be lovely to answer the question, “How you doing today?” with “I’m whelmed, thank you very much! And you?”

Whelmed — the point at which you are neither over nor under. You are not fruitlessly multi-tasking. You are balanced. You are paying appropriate attention and spending appropriate time on your tasks.

You are whelmed.

As the holidays approach with their attendant stressful opportunities for overwhelming tasks and underwhelming performance by others — reduce your stress by choosing to be whelmed. Whelmed one task at a time.

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Either/Or

August 15, 2007 By Leave a Comment


“I can stay in my job and have enough money, or I can do what I love and be broke.”

“I can’t be happy as long as I’m married to Clyde.”

“Since I have been a full-time parent for the last ten years, the only job I can possibly get won’t pay very much.”

All statements I have heard in the last month — that’s true.

But they’re not true statements. Sure, they feel true to the folks saying them, but they’re really either/or, black/white statements. They’re what’s called “limiting beliefs”. Either/or statements like this serve a great purpose — they keep us pretty well stuck.

Because… is it true that you have to be broke to do what you love? Hmmmn. Oprah looks like she loves what she does and she’s doing all right. Bill Gates? He seems pretty happy. Steve Jobs is passionate about what he does, and he gets all the IStuff he can use. Bono gets to be a multi-millionaire rock star AND do good while wearing cool sunglasses.

Either/or statements serve as fear-based predictors of what’s going to happen. If you go into a job interview with the mindset, “Since I’ve been a full-time parent for 10 years, I can’t ask for too much” — guess what? You won’t. Confidence in your own self-worth is reflected in that thought, and you telegraph it to everyone you meet. How much stronger to say, “Even though I’ve been out of the workforce for 10 years, I bring great skills and excellent contacts — I’m worth what they’ve budgeted for this position’s salary.”

Living in black/white, either/or land is one way to make sure you’re always right. “I can’t be happy if I’m married to Clyde” — a popular kind of statement. Saying this, you will discard any experience that might show that you could be happy, or, heaven forbid, that you actually like Clyde. You will pursue, or maybe even create, opportunities to be unhappy with Clyde. What if you turned it around and figured ways to see if you could be happy with Clyde, oh, like, let’s see: counseling, mutual hobbies, actually talking to him…

Often when we “can’t be happy” it’s not because of someone else, but because of something within ourselves. And we owe it to the Clydes of the world to work on that before laying our own dissatisfaction at their feet.

Living in the gray between black/white is the challenge, and the gift. It’s saying, “I can lose weight while eating fewer carbs.” It’s saying, “I may have to start the work I love on the side or as a volunteer, while I keep my job for the income.” It’s “I can be happy with or without Clyde — it’s up to me.”

There are “motivational speakers” out there who tout the idea “You CAN have it all.” Which is, poppets, yet another black/white statement. The beauty of living in the gray is replacing “either/or” with “and”. It’s so much more balanced to believe, “I can have some of this and some of that,” or, even more true, “I can have whatever I need.”

Contrary to popular belief, life is not all or nothing. The key to getting unstuck is getting un-attached to the either/or thoughts that immobilize us, and recognizing them for the limiting beliefs they are.

In fashion, it’s often said that this color or that color is the “new black”. In life, the key to happiness is replacing black/white with the best of both — to live in the shades of gray that are truly flattering.

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