Take the thing.
Turn it round.
This way.
Then that.
Clear your mind.
See it.
Notice.
Breathe.
Allow it to transform before your eyes.
Into Something.
Something else.
Something new.
Something magical.
That changes everything
For the good.
Decide. Ask. Receive.
May 22, 2011 By Leave a Comment
Wrapped around the axle. Stressed. Unsure. Totally stuck.
Unhappy.
Yearning.
Is there a path out?
Yep. There is. And it’s:
Decide what you want.
Ask for it clearly.
Prepare to receive it.
Simple, huh? But, sorry to say, not that easy. You’ve got to do a little work.
For some of you, even saying “decide what you want” makes you break out in hives. Deciding is not altogether comfortable for some folks, especially my people-pleasing friends (hey, girls!). “What if I make a decision that makes people unhappy?” “What if people laugh at my choice?” “What if people think I’m selfish?”
To my people-pleasing friends, who I love and adore, I will ask: Sweetheart, who knows you better than you? Who’s more an expert on you, than you? When you abdicate your decision-making to others, what are you really saying?
Are you really saying you don’t know what’s in your own heart?
We know that’s not true.
I believe you always know what you want. Deep in that darling beating heart, you know. It’s when you’re moving your desire out of your chest into the world that you get off track. You get all self-doubt-y, don’t you? You get squishy. And you hold the desire back.
You hold yourself back.
Believe it or not, I was once in this situation. I know, right? Hard to fathom, but there you have it.
When I made decisions, I was berated, laughed and and penalized. So I sorta, kinda stopped making choices and having preferences. And when I finally realized that I was so unhappy trying to be a complacent concept of who I “should be” – I had to change. Had to. To survive. And I started in smallish kinds of ways (which you can try, too). I started saying, “I’d prefer Thai food for lunch.” Surprisingly, that was hard. I tried saying, “I want to see that Johnny Depp film.” And, over time I got to the big one: I started saying, “no”.
Over time, by making these little statements of preference, I reacquainted myself with…my self. And deciding became a whole lot easier.
It can be that way for you, too.
So, decide what you really want and move on to the next thing: Ask for it clearly.
Again, asking clearly is fraught with challenge for some people (how you doin’, girls?). Recently, a client told me a story you might appreciate: Her boss announced his departure. Several people within the organization approached my client asking if she’d join their department. She had many conversations and was still mulling when one guy announced she was joining his team. “I never agreed!” she said. I asked, “Did you clearly say you needed time? Did you say no?” Sheepish silence. “Well, not clearly, I guess.” As we worked through her part of the conversation, she realized that she hadn’t wanted to disappoint, so hadn’t been as clear as she could have been.
She’ll do it differently next time.
Which is, of course, the promise of clarity.
OK, you’ve done the hard work of deciding what you want and you have asked for it clearly – what does it mean to prepare to receive it?
Just that. Be ready. Keep an eye out. Watch.
Because what you want may come to you in a completely different form than you expect.
You may ask for a raise, and get a whole new job. In a whole new field. You might ask for a boyfriend, and get a husband. A really wonderful man. You might ask for a break – just a freakin’ break – and get a new friend who totally has your back. Forever.
Friends, that’s the way it works.
Decide. Ask. Receive.
Go ahead, give it a try.
Is that your heart I hear calling?
Get What You Want
March 27, 2011 By 1 Comment
You should get what you want.
This is a fundamental belief of mine. Oh, I shared What I Believe with you last June, and What I Want For You in January, but I don’t think I was as clear and as simple as I want to be today.
You should get what you want.
But first, you’ve got to know what it is you really want.
Not what Aunt Tilly (as dear as she is) wants for you, or what your best friend Billy wants for you, or what your mama or your daddy or your wife or your husband or your kid or your therapist or your coach… none of what these people “want” for you is as important as what you want for you.
And that can take some uncovering. May I share some of my own work around this?
People have told me that I should be more famous. That I should do guest posts around the world wide web, and that I should speak at chichi, in-crowd venues, and that I should hire a publicist. And on its face, that’s an ego-boosting idea, isn’t it? I mean, to be so well-known that people stop me in the market for autographs? Eye me appreciatively as I enter the restaurant? Clamor for my attention? Buy so many of my books that I can loaf away the rest of my life on a desert island with a cabana boy named Curtis?
Oh, I tried. [never got to the Curtis part, honestly.] I tried to play the game the way well-meaning people suggested. Gave me the heebie-jeebies, to tell you the truth. Because what I really, really, really value is being able to do the work that I do. I’d rather be on the phone with you figuring out how to grow your career than stand in front of a thousand people delivering a speech. And if because of time and energy I can only do one of those things, I pick you.
And by picking you, I get what I want – the chance to do my work. And when I do my work, I am happy. And when I’m happy, I attract more clients which allows me to do more of my work, and make more money. Which makes me happy in a way intentional fame likely couldn’t.
See how neatly that works?
Society tells us, frequently, that the key to success is to be skinny, sexy and, apparently, a heavy drinker with a fake tan. [But maybe I watch too much Snooki, and listen to too much pop music.]
But the key to success – really – is to be yourself. Fully. However it is you need to be.
And you owe it to yourself to figure out what that is.
So, take some time to ask:
- What does healthy look like, to me?
- What does happy look like, to me?
- What does fun look like, to me?
- What does financially solid look like, to me?
- Where am I most engaged and involved?
- How can I do the things that lift me up, every single day?
Then listen to the answers.
Because they’re yours. And very valuable. Priceless, even.
You can get what you want. It’s right here for you.
All you have to do is get yourself clear. And then? Go get what you know you really want.
[photo credit: Michele Woodward]
What’s Important To You?
April 25, 2010 By 11 Comments
In the last couple of months I’ve written about getting un-stuck by choosing growth. About how you can never make a mistake when you are centered in integrity. About how you can, singlehandedly, turn around a challenging work environment – and how to leave a toxic job. I’ve written about creating a new way to measure your own success.
And now, the single most important thing you need to know.
Ready?
The most important thing you need to know is what’s most important to you.
I was standing in my kitchen the other morning, exhausted. It’s been that kind of week. Lots of people giving me unsolicited advice about who I should be and what I should be doing. A lot of assumptions made about me and who I am. Several well-meaning folks attempting to graft their yardstick of success on to me because, very obviously to them, I have fallen short.
As I stood there, baffled, buffeted, blue – and exhausted – I had the most wonderful epiphany.
The most important thing in my life became crystal clear.
My true priority revealed itself.
And in a moment I knew that everything would be OK – because, day in and day out I am serving what’s most important to me. To me. Not to the well-meaning and not-so-well-meaning folks I encountered last week.
I am putting my energy where I want it to go, and that’s the right thing to do.
Because my number one priority is being a present parent for my children.
And although you love me, well-meaning friends, and want to see me on the Today show, knee to knee with Matt Lauer, I’m not going to do it if it means I’ll miss my daughter’s softball game. I’m just not.
And although you don’t understand it, other folks, when I tell you that I’m not that interested in traveling to Marrakesh or Istanbul unless my kids can come too, I’m sorry.
And for those who think I should be making a ton more money than I do – that I’m “leaving it on the table” – you are absolutely right.
That’s a by-product of serving my priority.
Sure, I could be back in a corporate job with a fatter paycheck and juicy stock options. But that’s not my priority.
My kids are.
Let me clarify. I am no helicopter parent. I am not all up in my kids’ business. When I say my kids are my priority, I have an intention. And my intention is to be reliable, dependable, connected – present – for them. Because that’s how I think independent, functioning, happy adults are formed. And my big responsibility is to sherpa them to their adult life. That’s my job.
And I’ve chosen a career for right now that allows me to serve that priority as fully as possible. See, being a self-employed coach allows me to make some key decisions for myself. For instance, I don’t work between 4pm and 7pm. Just don’t. That’s the time we go to the dermatologist (did I mention that they’re teenagers?), the dentist, the doctor, the orthodontist (did I mention that they’re teenagers?), and every other -ologist known to man.
Four to seven is softball practice and/or games. It’s the time for a run to Target for poster board. It’s when we walk the dogs, or practice a change-up. It’s time to sit on the sofa watching Ellen and discussing both marijuana use in middle school, and what constitutes a hootchie-mama outfit.
This is the golden time that we sit down to dinner together.
A couple of nights a week, I teach or take clients after seven, which works because that’s allegedly homework time (did I mention that they’re teenagers?).
It works. I make the all the money I want to make, I have the time to serve my highest priority.
But here’s the trick. Saying, “My kids are my number one priority” is pretty daggone politically correct. Who would publicly say otherwise without fear of being hauled into the town square (or Twitter) and being stoned by the community?
You are allowed to have your own priority. And it might be growing a business. Or climbing the corporate ladder. Or creating incredible art. Or treating malaria in Africa.
Wherever you spend most of your time, or want to spend most of your time, that’s your priority.
And if you are out of sorts, blue, off step – then look at how you are spending your time and creating your days. If you are spending time on stuff that’s not really your priority, start making some changes.
And you can start by putting your fingers in your ears, saying, “nah, nah, nah, nah, nah” to shut out the voices of folks who would tell you what your priority should be.
Always Let Them See You Sweat
November 15, 2009 By 6 Comments
So, here’s the thing.
In an effort to appear calm and confident…
In an attempt to be kinda cool…
In adopting the detached pose of the uber-jaded…
Some have decided that the only way to succeed at work is to never let anyone see you sweat. As if the tag line to an ’80s commercial was the Golden Rule.
And I can understand where this comes from. Really. Chickens with their heads cut off rarely engender confidence.
But.
If what you’re doing looks effortless and – poof! – produced just as easy as that… when, in point of fact, you have been working 16 hours a day for 10 days with 75 people on your team in order to produce that singular, flawless product…there’s a disconnect there.
And bystanders and bosses might think, “Hey, what she’s doing is not that hard. Any idiot can do it.”
And you don’t get the raise.
Or the bonus.
Or the contract.
And I know this how? Because it’s happened to me. Fairly recently.
I was asked to provide a proposal for something I do very well. I created a crackerjack plan, and priced it accordingly. And was told, “It’s not that much work. We’ll pay you half.”
Honey, it was every bit as much work as I proposed. Maybe even more. But, see – when I have done this work in the past, I have made it look easy. Too easy. So people think it’s no big thing. And not worth paying for, because it’s…no big thing.
[In case you're wondering, I turned down the opportunity to work for half-price, thank you very much.]
When I coach clients who are starting their own businesses – especially coaches and consultants – self-underpricing, self-undervaluing is a real Achilles heel. Especially for women. We want to look cool, calm and collected. We want to look professional. Maybe we hold a position no woman has ever held before. Or we feel weird about money.
So we say, “Sure, I can produce that for you,” even though we know it will take a miracle, two fortuitous accidents and some pixie dust to pull it off. And with any luck (we cross our fingers) we’ll break even.
But, never, under any circumstances, will we let the client know how hard it was to do.
Which means they may not pay the value of the solution you offer. Or balk at your bill when you send it.
Or let you go when the budget needs some trimming.
Don’t be a quiet sufferer. Instead, be the kind of person who says, “What you’re asking is hard, but I think I can do it.” Be the kind of person who is truly authentic about how much work is involved. Be the person who says, right up front, “What you’re asking will take me 40 hours to do at $X/hour. I’ll need two other people. And I can get it to you by Tuesday the 10th. How’s that going to work for you?”
And after you’ve delivered, rather than the rote saying of, “No big deal”, feel free to say, “It was a lot of work, but I’m really happy with the way it turned out.”
Value what you do, my friends, and others will, too.
Word to the wise – make sure you use the “I” pronoun. Ever noticed that when talking about work success men almost always say “I” while women often default to “we”? Women tend to be collegial and consensus-building kinds of leaders and managers, and have a difficult time taking individual credit. Think about it, though: which pronoun properly places credit where credit is due?
“I”, of course.
So, say “I”, and if you want to recognize members of your team who did a good job – because you’re fabulous you will want to – go ahead and say, “Tom really managed the spreadsheets” or “Megan was super with the contractors” or “Denise kept all the trains running on time.” Your people will appreciate the individual shout-out, and credit will be properly spread around.
Let me bottom-line this for you: when you let people see exactly how much effort you’re putting in — when you let them see an appropriate amount of sweat — you are giving them a way to understand the value of what you produce. Each drop of sweat adds to your perceived value. Each drop of sweat seals your expertise and ability.
So, forget deodorant commercials and their irksome jingles. Do yourself a favor: Always let them see you sweat.
You’re a superstar. All you’ve got to do is…let it show.
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