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More Than Anything

July 26, 2009 By 12 Comments



I dunno. Maybe it’s just me. Or most of my clients. But I have a feeling it could be you, too.

A little exhausted, frazzled, distracted, uncertain? Sound like you? Sounds a teensy-tiny bit familiar to me.

So let me ask us a question:

“What do you want more than anything right now?”

Stop. You have an immediate answer, don’t you?  That’s your gut talking to you.

And you immediately reject your gut, because what it’s saying isn’t politically correct, or is hugely inconvenient, or it’s not what you’re supposed to want.

Am I right?

But, let me tell you that if you want to feel better — more passionate, happier, alive — you have to pay attention to that poor little rejected feeling.  Because the first glimmer is the key to unlocking whatever it is that’s holding you back.

If what you want right now is: a rest, a new job, peace and quiet, a boyfriend, a girlfriend, no friends, children, your children to be quiet, your children to get the hell out of the house — take a deep breath and hold the idea of getting what you want in your mind.  Believe you’ve actually achieved it.  You’re really living it.

How’s that feel?

Blissful?  I’ll bet it does.

Then, my friend, perhaps you should consider pursuing that which you want more than anything. Right now.

Which might mean something might have to change.

Beth recently asked me, “Does all change start with a crisis? Cuz it sure seems like it.”  I answered her with, “There seem to be three ways that change gets started.  In the first instance, there’s some sort of crisis that’s external — the shock of a sudden death, or an accident, or your spouse suddenly announces he’s been seeing a 19 year old pole dancer named Tiffani. It comes, often without warning, from outside sources.

“Another kind of change comes from an internal source — realizing you have to start being yourself, for example, or an uncomfortableness with the status quo — and that’s the second way.  It comes from inside you, and probably doesn’t involve Tiffani.  The third way is perhaps more subtle — it’s change that you’re only aware of after it’s done.  Think of it this way — it’s when you study and practice a language and then one day realize you’re thinking in that new language.”

So, let’s all think in a new language.  The old language may look like this, “I want everyone to think I’m a great, involved mother, so asking the kids to go outside to play would mean I’m a failure”, and the new language is, “I will be a better, rested, more engaged mother if I can get a little time to myself.”

The old language may be, “Everyone expects me to be a CPA for the rest of my life,” and the new language may be, “I really want to be a park ranger.”

The old language may be, “If I show how much I want an intimate partner, I’ll look desperate,” and the new language is, “I can only get what I want if I’m completely honest with myself and others.”

So, be completely honest.  What do you want more than anything right now?

And what does that tell you about what you need to do next?

Filed Under: Authenticity, Clarity, Managing Change Tagged With: , , , , 12 Comments

Mind Your Own Business

September 30, 2007 By 2 Comments


Imagine you’re a business owner. Say you have a restaurant and you do a fair business, but you could always use more customers and revenue. One day a guy walks in and asks if you cater. You think a moment and say to yourself, “Well, food’s food. I guess I can cater” and, voila! You’ve got a new line of business — you’re a caterer.

Imagine another person comes in to the restaurant and says, “Charlie, you’re a capable person and I like you a lot. Can I pay you to wallpaper my bathroom?”

Now, wait a second. Catering is to restaurant, as wallpapering is to…what?

This is exactly the moment many small business owners get off track. Especially when money’s short. A client requests something that’s not particularly in your sweet spot, but you do it, thinking, “Gotta get me some money.” The end result: you spend less time on your business, it suffers and, voila! You have less money.

Saying no is hard. It’s particularly hard to say no to earning money when you really need the cash. But think about it this way: saying no frees up your time to earn money building your business and doing more of what you like.

How do you know if what you’re being offered is a new, lucrative business opportunity or just a waste of time? Glad you asked. Here are my Three Handy Things To Ask Yourself When Offered a Business Opportunity (catchy title, huh?):

What Do I Want For My Business? As a restaurateur, I want to offer good, well-prepared meals to people at fair prices. [Just as an aside, this is the quick and easy question anyone can ask themselves to come up with a mission statement -- you just saved yourself thousands in consulting fees.]

Will This Opportunity Help Build My Business or Not? Catering allows the restaurateur to continue to offer good, well-prepared meals to people at fair prices. It’s only the delivery system that changes. However, wallpapering doesn’t allow the fulfillment of his mission statement in any way, shape or form.

How Do I Feel About This Opportunity? If you feel conflicted or uneasy or downright icky about it, use the Force, Luke, and listen to your feelings. If you feel uneasy before it even starts, imagine how you’ll feel when six months go by and you’re not cooking any meals — just endlessly wallpapering bathrooms.

And, you’re saying to me, I don’t own my own business. This is not relevant to me. Oh, really?

Most of us face moments when we are offered something that we could do, but aren’t sure if we should do. I’m suggesting that my Three Handy Things To Ask Yourself can be used whenever you need to evaluate doing something new.

What do I want for my life? Will this help me grow, or not? How do I feel about this?

Whenever you need to sort out options, and feel… oh, overwhelmed or uncertain or just plain icky, take the time to remember what it is you set out to do — then, feel free to say yes or no.

Filed Under: Career Coaching Tagged With: , , , , , , , 2 Comments

Standard Operating Procedure

September 23, 2007 By Leave a Comment


The military invented the idea of Standard Operating Procedure. When in doubt, default to the SOP and, by taking the specified steps, your outcome will be exactly as the SOP predicts.

In my time in government, I came to think “SOP” really stood for “Same Old Plan”. The Same Old Plan keeps things safe and comfortable — and the outcome predictable.

Which is OK.

But not exactly creative. Or ground-breaking. Or exciting. Or quick. Or always right. In truth, the SOP doesn’t have to solve the problem — it just has to be followed.

I discovered that sometimes, in order to really solve the problem, you have to throw out the SOP in favor of a NIP. A New Innovative Plan.

To build a NIP, all you have to do is exactly the opposite of what the SOP requires. There’s an old joke that goes something like this: “Man: ‘Doctor, it hurts when I go like this’ (banging his head against the table) Doctor: ‘The cure is simple. Stop banging your head against the table.’”

Plain and simple — a NIP keeps you from banging your head against the table. Here’s a helpful way to decide if you need a NIP or an SOP — if a SOP works, keep doing it. But if it’s not working, NIP it in the bud. [I crack myself up.]

If your weight loss plan isn’t working, take a look at your SOP. Not the SOP you tell everyone, but the SOP you actually follow, which is something like: “I’ll get started on my diet tomorrow. Tonight I’m going to have this half gallon of ice cream.” Remember, your NIP is the exact opposite of what you usually do, so your NIP is, “I’m starting right now and not eating the ice cream.”

Want better communication with your teenager? Look at how you’re communicating now. If your SOP is lectures, edicts and nagging, do you really wonder why she won’t talk with you? Try the opposite — listening, asking questions and showing respect for her opinions. You may not see a cleaner room, but you’ll definitely have a better relationship.

“I keep meeting the same kind of guys,” says a single woman. “They’re irresponsible and all they want is a good time.” OK. “Where are you looking?” she’s asked. “Oh, in strip clubs, off-track betting shops and at dog fights. I guess there just aren’t any respectable men left.” Oh, there are plenty of them — in places opposite to where you’re looking. Try libraries, offices, dog parks, animal shelters, shopping malls, churches, synagogues, mosques and Buddhist meditation centers. For a start.

In the places in your life where you’re stuck, take a look at your SOP. If it’s not working for you, if you’re not making the change you really, really want, then give a NIP a try. Do the exact opposite of what you’ve been doing, and watch your progress.

There’s a disputed quote, attributed to both Ben Franklin and Albert Einstein, defining insanity as “doing the same thing over and over, hoping for a different outcome.” In that light, following a SOP is often an insane course. The NIP, however, is a pretty sane approach, don’t you think?

You can attribute that one to me.

Filed Under: Career Coaching Tagged With: , , , , , , , Leave a Comment

Having Fun

June 17, 2007 By Leave a Comment


So this woman calls me last week. Says she’s happy — really happy — doesn’t need a coach really. Just wants to talk. Well, maybe there is just this one thing. Kinda small. Not a big deal.

See, she’s got this job she doesn’t really like but it pays pretty well — you don’t have to LOVE your work, right? You just have to get the check and support your lifestyle, even if the job is a soul-sucking, mind-numbing dead end. I mean, she does the job very well.

Oh, and, by the way, she’s got a four hour daily commute to the soul-sucking, mind-numbing dead end job she only does for the money. She doesn’t have time to connect with her husband. She feels guilty when she misses activities with her kids, so she schedules them into lots of stuff — she’s gotta work to pay for all that, right? And, for herself? No time for book club, no time for gardening, no time for nuthin’.

I have to tell you, I really liked this woman. She’s smart, she’s well-spoken, she’s caring and kind. She’s got so much going for her. And, like a lot of us, she’s completely stuck in a rut.

If you’re stuck in some kind of rut yourself, there is nothing better to do than incorporate some fun into your life.

Yes,that’s what I said: fun.

Next to money and sex, fun is one of the most difficult things for us grown-ups to talk about. It’s as if having fun is irresponsible once you crest a certain threshold of adulthood. But…

Think about when you’re having fun. You’re excited, you’re laughing, you’re in the moment — you’re happy. The Buddhists suggest “child’s mind” when tackling a new problem (or just walking through your life) — fun and play are the best ways to achieve child’s mind. Jesus taught that the Kingdom of God belongs to those who are like little children. And, how do children like to spend their time? Why, by having fun!

So, let me ask you: Are you playing every day? Are you having fun?

Take a moment to have some fun today. Clear off the coffee table and play mini-hockey with your kids. Do a cannonball off the high dive. Dance. Take your husband to the go-kart track and race. Giggle. Paint your mother’s portrait with finger paints. Hang a spoon off your nose at dinner. Buy some Play-Doh. Have a water balloon fight. Hopscotch.

Have no purpose to your fun. Forget the teaching moments. Just play. Play and relax.

You’re never too old for fun. Fun is never inappropriate. In fact, fun is catching. If folks see you have fun, they’ll have fun themselves.

If your work is not fun, try to incorporate some fun into it. If you can’t, find something more fun to do. Yes, your lifestyle may change. But that can be OK. It’s happened before. After a divorce, Karen drops the country club and joins a hiking club. After successfully beating cancer, John leaves his job and starts teaching school. When the kids leave for college, Hannah and George sell the big house and spend a year sailing the Caribbean. A woman wakes up one morning and realizes there is more to life than a four hour commute, and makes some changes.

How you live is completely up to you — if your lifestyle interferes with living your life, ditch the lifestyle for something much more real and much more fun.

Filed Under: Authenticity Tagged With: , , , , , , Leave a Comment

Need More Time?

June 9, 2007 By Leave a Comment


Need more time? Have enough time to get everything done? Are there things that remain on your to-do list — for years? Stuff you never get around to tackling, oh, like exercising, finding a new job or actually having friends?

It’s a modern predicament many of us face. But here’s a strategy that really works: simply think about your time differently.

Imagine you have 100 units of energy to spend each day. You can’t take from yesterday, because those 100 units are gone. You can’t borrow from tomorrow, because those units belong to tomorrow.

You’ve just got 100 to use today. How will you allocate them?

First, you have to assess how you’re spending your time. Take a pen and paper (or a crayon and the back of an envelope, or a Sharpie and a docile housepet) and write down everything you did yesterday. Start with what time you woke up, when you got out of bed, what you did next, and next, and next — all the way to the time you went to sleep.

Now, remember: how you use your time reveals your true priorities. How did you use your time yesterday? What does that reveal about your priorities?

Let’s say you have a priority to find a new job, but allocated no energy to that pursuit yesterday (or the day before, or the day before). Could it be that you really don’t want a new job — but that your spouse is pressuring you to make more money? Or, your daddy said you’d be successful when you made regional manager, but you’d rather not do sales at all?

When you really want something, you’ll allocate energy to it. Plain and simple.

Friends, it is also possible to use “lack of time” as a way to avoid taking action, or to avoid something unpleasant. If you think that’s the case, look at the priority you allegedly want to pursue. Do you really want it? Are you avoiding something? Is the priority yours? Or someone else’s?

A priority that someone else places upon you is called a “should” — such as: you should always put ketchup in a dish, not serve it in the bottle at dinner time; you should be a doctor and make a ton of money; you should have a housekeeper; you shouldn’t have a housekeeper; you should keep your house tidy at all times; you should be thinner, smarter, hotter or blonder.

When really all you should be is — you. Shoulds limit us. They force us to serve another person’s priorities rather than our own. We depart from who we are in an effort to meet someone else’s needs — which may not allow us to be our best. That, my friends, is the path to unhappiness. Let’s all focus on being happy, and eliminate shoulds. Agreed?

If you look at how you spent your 100 units of energy yesterday and realize that another person took 70 units, they better have a darn good reason. Most of us are ready to help another person in crisis — but when that crisis goes on for weeks, months, years, you need to take a hard look and ask yourself whether the energy suck is keeping you from reaching your own priorities. If so, set some boundaries and re-shift your energy units to serve you better.

You have 100 units of energy to spend today. How will you use them to support your priorities?

Filed Under: Career Coaching, Clarity Tagged With: , , , , , , Leave a Comment
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