Yes, This Is For You

In case you’re wondering, I’m writing this for you today.  Because I know how much you struggle.  I know how you try to be brave and strong, and try to be positive, and try so very hard to bring only good things into your life.

In an effort to preserve the peace, you’ve swallowed your words for years.  Conflict or even the prospect of conflict – wow, that gives you an ache in the pit of your belly.

How can you be the person everyone expects you to be and say things that are hard to say?  Harder to hear?

What if people heard what you really had to say, and then got mad?  Caused a scene?  Decided they didn’t like you?  Fired you? Or left you?

Academics write books on effective communication and they always envision scenarios where both parties are equally committed to a positive solution. Like this actually happens in the real world.  Usually, one timid person raises a difficult something and a bully turns into rubber and bounces the pain back. You’ve been there, haven’t you?

Honey, I know you.  And I know just how hard this is – but I also know how much you suffer in silence.

Can I tell you something?  Every time you refrain from saying what needs to be said, you lose a little bit of your self. A little bit of your strength.  A little bit of what makes you, you. And one day you may wake up to find that there’s nothing left.

That’s the hollow and vacant space where your soul once was. That’s when you wonder who you are and if your life really has any meaning.

Don’t wait until you’re there.  Start from right here.  Pledge to yourself that you won’t walk away from the difficult subjects lodged in your heart.  Be patient and gentle with yourself – it’ll be a bit overwhelming to start reversing the pattern, because you’ve been out of practice for years.

Know how wonderful children are?  Know how they say the darnedest things?  Kids have the honest heart to ask, “Why?” And they have the presence to say “ouch” when something hurts.

And here’s where I’d like you to focus – on being like a wonderful kid. 

Simply say “ouch” when something hurts.

The easiest way to start having hard conversations is to focus on your own “ouch”.  Too many of us face difficult people and difficult conversations with the intention that we’re going to win by getting someone else to change, or by getting them to validate us by telling us, by golly, that we’re right!

When where you have to start is by claiming your own voice, and knowing that simply expressing yourself is winning.

It doesn’t matter what the other person does.  It doesn’t matter how they react.  What matters is that you have claimed where you hurt, and what that means for you.

Of course, your pain ain’t nobody’s business but your own.  So no blaming, and no name calling, OK?  Simply state, “I feel …” and get it out there.

Sure, it’s scary.  But start small.  Don’t jump out of the box by confronting the biggest, baddest pain you’ve ever faced.  Start with the small pain in the moment, be clear about what feels ouchy, use “I” statements and – guess what? – it’ll probably be no big deal to anyone else but you.  And each time you recognize and voice your ouch, you’ll build your muscles, and feel stronger, and then you can tackle the larger and larger ouches.

Until the long-held pain is gone and all you have to do is manage the little bumps and scrapes you get in the course of a day.

Won’t that feel good?  And instead of relentless, forced happiness, you’ll feel truly happy.

Which, my friend, is everything.

Stop Making Sense

If you’re like me, there are times in life when nothing seems to make sense.  And maybe, like me, you stew and fret and figure and mull – all in an attempt to get the nonsense to make a teeny little bit of sense.

Because if you can understand it, you can make it fit into your general overview of How Life Works.

Psychologists call this your Sense Of Coherence, a phrase coined by Aaron Antonovsky in the late ’70s – “The extent to which one has a pervasive, enduring though dynamic feeling of confidence that one’s environment is predictable and that things will work out as well as can reasonably be expected.”

If you have a strong Sense of Coherence, you’re less likely to suffer from stress and can avoid all the resulting illnesses that arise from stress. You have a sense of well-being.  Happiness.  Joy, even.  Making sense of stuff, then, is a really good thing.

But what about The Fizzie People?  That’s no psychological term – that’s what I call people who have a disordered sense of coherence. Remember Fizzies?  They were flavored tablets which you added to a glass of water to get a fruity-flavored, extremely bubbly drink.  But the drink tasted weird, bubbled and bubbled, and ultimately generated a very largish burp. Which was hilarious in third grade.  Not so funny now.

Fizzie People bubble and bubble, and leave a bad taste in other people’s mouths.  They find even ordinary events overwhelming, baffling and puzzling, and often live chaotic, destructive, drama-filled lives.

There are a whole bunch of things that make no sense to me – people who abandon or hurt their children, people who hurt other people’s children, men who hate women, women who hate men, premeditated murder, knowingly allowing harm to happen – none of this computes in my noggin.

And I will admit that I have spent plenty of time trying to find a Sense of Coherence around things people do that are, generally, quite incoherent.

Until it occurred to me this week:  the only way to understand something truly incoherent is to accept that it is, at its core, incoherent, and therefore only makes sense because it makes no sense.

OK, that sounds like a 3am bathtub conversation in the freshman dorm.  Let me make it easier:  If you keep saying, “This makes no sense!  This is crazy!”  then it’s probably crazy and will never make sense. So why invest any energy in trying to make any sense of it?  Mulling, stewing, fretting and attempting to explain the inexplicable is a sure-fire way to destroy your own Sense of Coherence.

I’ve decided from now on to save myself the trouble.  Paraphrasing the immortal words of The Talking Heads: I’m going to “Stop Trying To Make Sense.”

It’s unconditional, radical acceptance that not every problem in the world can be solved, and not every problem is mine to solve.  Want to join me?  Then let’s accept, and give a lot of space to, Fizzie People.  They live incoherent lives, the poor dears, and they could use some specific professional psychological help to grow their sense of coherence and well-being. I said “professional” and “psychological” – which probably doesn’t mean you or me.

Save your energy.  Understand what you understand.  Be healthy.  Be well.  And keep the Fizzies at bay.

Michele’s Feast

I’ve decided that there are no coincidences – only opportunities for me to open up and learn.

Last night I found myself with unexpected time to myself. I’m sure all you single parents of teenagers understand exactly what I’m talking about. I had no plans but was utterly delighted with having no plans. My blog post was written, my to-dos all done, my day complete. I happily whipped up an egg salad sandwich and paired it with a cold glass of pinot grigio (an odd but inspired summer combo, if I do say so myself) and parked myself on the couch, remote in hand, intent on finding a movie to watch.

A movie that I picked. Me. For me. No compromising on comedy when I wanted drama.  No action when I wanted love.  It could be anything I wanted. Anything.

Ah, the delicious freedom.

There were hundreds of free options. Feeling all giddy, I only perused high definition films. Ha! Still hundreds to choose from. Then I stopped. “Babette’s Feast.” I had seen it.  Hadn’t I liked it?  It was free, so I thought, “Oh, I’ll just watch a little and if it’s awful I’ll watch something else!” [imagine the power!]

Darlings, in just a few moments, Babette’s Feast became Michele’s Feast. I was utterly drawn in.

Do you know the movie? Based on a story by Karen Blixen, the Danish writer also known as Isak Dinesen, the film follows the two daughters of an austere pastor as they deny themselves joy, love, pleasure and opportunity in order to support the work of their father. Over time, they quietly become old women, living together in rigid self-denial, keeping the memory of their father alive.

Into their lives blows Babette, a refuge from political upheaval in France. For fourteen years, Babette lives with the sisters, caring for them and for their small fishing community, mirroring their simple, unadorned life, until one day she wins the French lottery – 10,000 francs – and asks if she can prepare a real French dinner in honor of the deceased pastor’s 100th birthday.

Here’s where it gets really good.

After fourteen years of cautious living, Babette pours her heart and soul into the meal. She carefully obtains fresh fruits, exotic meats, fine wines, exquisite cheeses. She prepares the feast with care, with joy, with creativity, with expertise.

And when the meal is served, the reserved, anti-sensual, closed up, bitter, sniping guests become transformed – they actually taste their food. They enlarge their senses. They are drawn together.  They find that they love one another, and themselves.

The meal is a triumph.

And Babette is broke, having spent her entire lottery winnings on the meal.

When one of the sisters laments that Babette will now spend the rest of her life poor, Babette replies, “An artist is never poor.”

Got me right there.  An artist is never, never poor.

Then, Babette reveals that she had been head chef at a remarkable Paris restaurant, shrugs and says, “I was able to make them happy when I gave of my very best.”

Not only did Babette make others happy – she made herself happy when she gave of her amazing gifts. But wait – Babette’s final words in the film: “Throughout the world sounds one long cry from the heart of the artist – ‘Give me the chance to do my very best.’”

It’s no coincidence that I watched this film last night, because I needed a reminder that my best is all I want to do. My very best. As a woman, as a mother, as a coach, as a creator, and, yes, as an artist.

You, too, are an artist like Babette – even if you aren’t conscious of your creative power. Every day you have the chance to do your very best. Every day you have the power to live via your senses.  Every day you have the opportunity to create something new. Every day you can serve others with your creativity.   Every day. Remember that.

And, you artist, you – remember that the true richness in life is truly and utterly your own creation.

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A Change Is Going to Come

I don’t know about you, but it feels like a change is coming.

Something’s in the air, and I can’t quite get my finger on it.

In the last two weeks, I’ve spoken in front of five audiences. I’ve led another three small groups. Worked with a number of individuals. I’ve talked with a bunch of friends. And all the questions, and most of the coaching, has touched on the pervasive feeling that something’s about to happen.

A shoe is ready to drop.

Do you feel it?

Don’t you want it to happen already?

Me, too.

But one thing I’ve learned is that you can’t rush waiting.

You’ve got to let it happen at its own time and its own pace.

Make the time to be quiet, and still, and listen with your heart.

And love that change whenever it comes. Whatever it looks like.

Because it’s probably going to be great.

It usually is.

The New Rules Of Work – Part 2

So you’ve been mulling over the idea I proposed last week - that, under the new rules of work, you are a freelancer. No job is secure, and you need to be ready – at any time – to make a move into something new.  Having a side hustle, a Plan B, a backup plan – all very important under the new rules of work.

And there’s something else you need to know to thrive in the new workplace:  Givers win, takers lose.

The Old Rules

You eat what you kill. Greed is good. By any means necessary, you’re going to get yours, and screw anyone who moves too slow.  Your slogan: You snooze, you lose.  You withhold information from people you work with, and even your clients, because information is power, and power is all-important.  Power lets you kill more, so you eat more.  More, more, more is the relentless pursuit. Because there’s only so much to go around.  Only one guy on top.  And it’s going to be you.

The New Rules

Collaboration replaces competition. Information is shared openly and transparently.  Collaboration yields deep personal connections with others, which, in turn, yields opportunities for growth and new jobs.  You succeed by being of service.  You build a strong personal brand with each person you treat well.   You know there’s more than enough of everything to go around, so stress is reduced.  One day you’re the leader, the next day you’re taking directions – it all depends on the task at hand.

The Taking Culture creates huge inefficiencies.   It’s like the law firm that gets a new case in the LA office, but the lawyer with the best expertise is in DC – and she doesn’t get put on the case because all the billable hours need to stay in LA so they can make their numbers, and get their bonuses.  The client has less than stellar assistance from the firm, and a bad taste in his mouth when he loses his case.

The Taking Culture creates ill will.  It’s like the “marketing expert” whose best marketing is really of her persona.  She sells programs and e-books and gimmicks promising that you’ll grow your business to be just as successful as hers.  Yet, everything she sells is amateurish, off-the-shelf, unhelpful. She’s actually never done professional marketing.  Hey, she doesn’t care – she has a mortgage to make, after all – and enough new people come to her via her online presence that she doesn’t give a hoot about the legions of disappointed customers she’s leaving in her wake.  The suckers.

The Giving Culture turns all of it on its ear.

When focused on Giving, the LA office collaborates with the DC office, to give the client the best possible representation.  The client is so happy that he continues to use the firm for years, and refers them many clients.

The online marketing guru who comes from a place of Giving and centers in her expertise – she delivers high-quality, practical materials to an expanding audience of raving fans.  She never worries about making her mortgage.  In fact, that sucker is paid off.

And that’s why givers win.  Giving creates. It creates connection, it creates good feeling, it creates wealth.

Just a note to all my self-effacing, self-deprecating, people-pleasing friends out there:  You don’t give until it hurts.  You don’t give until you have nothing left. You don’t give to get the approval of others. That’s not the point of these new rules of work.

You give to create bonds and connections of appreciation between you and other givers.  You give to collaborate.  You give to set yourself up for what’s next.

You give because it feels so right and yields such rich rewards.

You give out of strength, because you know – don’t you? – that there is always plenty to go around.

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