Got Envy?

I’m just going to say it.

Some of us are frozen in time and space because of jealousy.

Some of us are so gripped with envy that we grasp and sabotage and act in ways unprincipled, just to get what we “want.”

The ick fairly drips when it comes to jealousy and envy.

Yet, it’s totally human and I’ll bet you that we’ve each run up against jealousy, the fear that you’re going to be betrayed and lose something important at the hands of someone else, and envy, which is the feeling of longing for something that someone else has.

We use these words interchangeably but they are quite different.

But here’s the good news – both can teach you tons about what needs changing in your own life.

Let’s look at envy.  Suzanne (of course, it’s not her real name), came to me for some coaching to improve her relationship with her boss.  As she gave me the  overview of her situation, she mentioned her Mortal Enemy At Work, Cathy.  Cathy was a brown-nosing, idiotic, unpolished jerk who totally rubbed Suzanne the wrong way.  Now, I know a coaching moment when I hear one, so I asked Suzanne to do this exercise:

The Envy Map

On a piece of paper, write down everything that ticks you off about the biggest jerk in your life.  Don’t edit or soften your feelings – put it all down.  Be thorough. Be ruthless.  Put it all out there.

Suzanne did the exercise (maybe you can do it, too, because there just might be a Mortal Enemy lurking in your life).  Then, I had her read me every single item she wrote about co-worker Cathy.  And a thread began to emerge – see, Cathy was the opposite of Suzanne in so many ways, and that is precisely what pissed Suzanne off. Where Suzanne was meticulous  about her clothes and hair to the point of being a real Felix Unger, Cathy was more of a sloppy Oscar Madison.  Where Suzanne respected hierarchy and rules, Cathy was a charming extrovert who got what she wanted regardless of the rules.

Suzanne told me a story – and her rage was palpable as she spit out the details – “We were walking down the hall and here comes the boss, Tom.  I said, ‘Hello, Tom’ being respectful, and Cathy goes, ‘Hey, Tom! How’s it going? Want to grab a sandwich at lunch?’ and I was like, I cannot believe she just did that!”  I asked what the problem was.  Suzanne, incredulously, said, “She asked the boss to lunch!”

I believe my response was a brilliant and insightful, “So?”

The real problem, of course, is that Cathy did easily that which Suzanne had put out-of-bounds.  Suzanne wasn’t really mad at Cathy – Suzanne was mad at Suzanne for being so rigid and formal that she was not able to craft a relationship with Tom.

This kind of understanding is what The Envy Map can do for any of us.  When we take a hard look at the most difficult people in our lives and the things they do that tick us off the most, we get insight into some lost and orphaned feeling or experience we need to tend to.

Cathy was great for Suzanne, because she taught her how to create a better relationship with Tom.  Suzanne began taking small steps, built a stronger alliance with her boss, and – guess what? – actually became friends with Cathy.  Suzanne’s work stress level went way down, and she felt happier and happier.  Ultimately, she was promoted, but mostly, she feels good about herself.

Envy is always an early warning signal.  When you have that encompassing feeling that someone’s got something you want, the trick is to step back from plotting how to take it away from them (yes, I know what you’ve been planning) and step toward understanding what it is you’ve neglected and need to get into your life.

Your Wish Is My Command

Big happy thanks to each of you who took the time to answer my short survey this week. There’s still time if you’d like to give me your thoughts, so click here to go to the survey.

I learned a lot from you all.

First, more of you would like an opportunity to work with me.

You’d like lower cost programs, designed to help you with your career or your business.

You’d like self-paced programs.

You’d like to see me collaborate more.

Which is really cool, because that’s the same stuff I’ve been thinking about.

So, let me make two announcements which will go right to the heart of the matter.

First, a very low-cost/high reward opportunity. You may remember the November free call where I talked with my friend, Good Vibe Coach Jeannette Maw, about aligning values, priorities and intentions. It was one of the most downloaded classes either Jeannette or I have ever seen. So, we figured, hey, why not do more of that?

We’ve decided to do a monthly conversation on a subject of interest – the first one will be on that perennial Big Issue: money. If you want to listen live and have the chance to ask questions, it’s a monthly subscription of only $9. And, you’ll get the recording, too. If you just want the recording, it’s $5. Simple. Easy. Fun. Want to sign up? Go right to: Listen In On Michele and Jeannette.

Second, so many of you are in the place where you need to reinvent your lives… You’re looking at a Second Act that may just change your life, and it’s kind of scary and there’s no roadmap and how’s it all going to work out? Good news, I can help you there.

My friend, author Mary Beth Sammons, wrote the best-selling Second Acts That Change Lives: Making A Difference In The World.  We’ve adapted the material from her book – and added tools and tactics from my coaching practice – to create a fabulous month-long telecourse will to help turn the “someday I’d love to” into “today I will”. For more information, check out: Second Acts That Change Your Life.

And, because we know many of you want to launch your second act by writing a blog… we’re offering two classes on blogging. Mary Beth is a fantastic editor and writer – she was a columnist at the Chicago Tribune and has written for magazines, and online outlets like MORE.com, CarePages.com, and BettyConfidential.com. She’s a pro and I’m happy to partner with her. Info on the blog classes can also be found at Second Acts That Change Your Life.

One more thing I’m working on in response to your requests – I’m preparing some workbooks for you to help you solve issues you face in your career. How to deal with difficult people. How to do a job search. How to ace an interview. How to get clear. How to really know what it is you want. I’ll be rolling these out as soon as I complete them. Stay tuned for more information, willya?

Bottom line: I am so grateful for each of you who read what I write and take the time to tell me what it is that you really want. I promise I will do my best to deliver. And maybe, just maybe, I’ll create some stuff that will surprise you, delight you and make you think.

Oh, and get you to a very happy, purposeful life, too.

Loving Change

It’s funny. I am usually the cock-eyed optimist who writes about how to create more happiness and joy in your life and your work.

I often tell you to focus on what’s working, and do more of that, and do less of the stuff that drains you or makes you unhappy.

I will tell you that’s The Secret of Life.

However.

Today, I’m telling you that sometimes, to make a change, you have to dwell in what really stinks.

Today, I’m suggesting that you have to wade right in and bathe in what’s worst about your situation to really make a change.

You know, maybe it’s human nature to hate change. Maybe it’s human nature to gaze at the bright side and tell ourselves that it’s really not so bad, this is what we need to do, maybe something else would be worse. Or harder. Or suck even more than the sucky thing we are already acquainted with.

But when you’re exhausted, or sick, or heavier than you need to be… Or when you have a short fuse, or are constantly on edge, or hate going into your office…

Then you’ve gotta start loving change.

It’s kind of like making your grandmother’s favorite casserole. The recipe calls for sour cream, butter, cream of mushroom soup, cream cheese and cheddar. You love your grandmother, and you love her cooking. Brings back memories. But eating sour cream, butter, cream of mushroom soup, creamed cheese and cheddar all baked together is not how you want to live your life today.

To change the recipe to suit the way you want to eat today, you make changes. Substitutions. Like using chicken broth, herbs, more protein. Sure, it’s not grandma’s recipe exactly. It might taste kind of like hers, but really – it’s yours now.

You know I have the idea that we each have 100 units of energy to spend each day. Yesterday’s are gone, and tomorrow’s belong to tomorrow. All you’ve got is 100 to use today. And if you have created day-after-day which calls for 120, you’ve got a problem.

It’s just like having too much dairy and fat in a recipe.

Something’s gotta go.

This is something that I’ve begun to realize about my own life. There are tactics, approaches, habits, ways of being, that worked for me as a coach, say, five years ago, but don’t particularly work for me today.

So, I’m going to let them go.

I’ll admit it – I feel a little uncertain about the changes I’m going to make. Will they work? Will I be happy? Will I make the revenue I want to make?

Truth? I don’t know. I could be making a mistake.

But.

The alternative – not making a change – feels like continuing to eat food that’s satisfying, but not really supportive of the way I really want to live.

You’re probably wondering what I’m going to do.

Right?

I’m going to do less one-on-one coaching, and focus on groups, workshops, retreats and speaking. I’m talking about having maybe five individual clients. That seems about right to me.

And it’s a big shift. Because right now? I’ve got about 20 individual clients. And the paradigm for many coaches is a plethora of clients. For many coaches, that’s their bread and butter. The source of most of their revenue. And I’m letting that go.

Kinda scary.

What I want is more time to create. What I want is more time to focus. What I want is a few of the absolutely right clients to work with very closely. And I want a bunch of the absolutely right people to work with in groups.

Because I have a priority around creating. Which is hard to do when you’re flat out. So I am reallocating my energy units so I can have the space, and time, to create.

Maybe you’ve created a recipe for your life that once worked, but isn’t working so well for how you want to live your life today. If so, wade right in and figure out what ingredients need to be swapped out. Figure out how to make a satisfying dish out of healthier stuff. And love that change.

Change: Tastes great. And, less filling.

Inside And Out

Do you know yourself? Inside and out?

Do you know what you like? What you’re good at? What’s important to you?

And, more importantly, do you love that about yourself?

I had the opportunity to talk about all these issues recently when I was interviewed by Cath Duncan, a wonderful South African writer and coach, who does frequent calls with authors and thinkers on a range of ideas. She also has a great thing: The Bottom-Line Book Club. Cath summarizes the best books in self-help and personal growth, culling out the really important, useful stuff – so you don’t have to read the entire book! Brilliant.

Cath wanted to understand how to make a framework for goal-setting and came to me since I’m a framework kinda gal. Now, I could have talked with Cath for hours – she’s just that warm, curious and kind. And I think the interview was powerful and purposeful. You can listen to it: here.

My bottom-line is pretty simple. Making decisions becomes easy when you know your strengths, your values, your priorities and your preferences. And planning becomes effortless when you love them.

What do I mean? Well, let me ask you this: How much time do you spend beating yourself up because you’re not like someone else? Not tall enough, not thin enough, not rich enough, not organized enough? How often do you operate under a should, as in “I should really…”? Are you a person who believes that there is something inherently wrong with the way you approach things because it’s so different from the way your friends and family would do it?

And how’s that working for you?

If you’re unhappy, and maybe stuck, then your path out and through is a path toward self-love – a healthy appreciation and understanding of who you are and what you bring to the world. When you are there, you’ll find that self-doubt, self-criticism and self-loathing goes out the window, leaving only healthy, happy you.

So how do you do it? How do you come to know and love yourself?

You start with the facts about yourself. I often suggest clients take an assessment like the Myers-Briggs Type Indicator (I am a certified practitioner), and the StrengthsFinder 2.0. Take old performance reviews and look for repeating ideas and themes. Ask your closest friends and associates to tell you what they see as your strengths. And, take all this data and see what it tells you about…you.

There’s an old joke that goes: “There are two kinds of people in the world – those who think the world can be divided into two groups of people, and those who don’t.” Of course, I’m in the “don’t” pile. I believe the world can be divided into three kinds of people.

In my mind, there are three ways people take in information and interact in the world. There are people who come from the heart, leading with their emotions and their feelings, and there are people who come from their minds, leading with their thoughts and their intellect. And some people come from their bodies, leading with a physicality, in search of a tactile connection with the world.

I know a woman who is so physically oriented that she needs – needs – three periods of intense exercise every day to be her best self. The only problem was that her need for physicality felt different from people around her. She felt other. Tension and stress ensued. It was only when she realized that being physical was as integral to her happiness as breathing that she dropped the should, and began seeing her ultimate self expression in testing her physical limits.

While we thinking people want to test our intellectual limits. Finding, creating, understanding that concept – that is mother’s milk to a person who relies on her intellect. While those who come from the heart test the limits of their emotions. They feel – deeply, fully, compassionately – and, therefore, they are.

And, it’s all good.

The eminent psychologist Carl Jung held that at some point of our life, we become integrated – we know when it’s appropriate to come from our minds, or our hearts, or our bodies. We draw on each of these as needed to attend to the task at hand, certainly. But mostly, we draw on them to derive the most possible happiness from each and every moment.

All I know is that when I am clear on who I am, what I value, what I’d like to have, how I’d like to be, how I come from my head but also listen to my heart – and love every bit of it – then there is no shame. There is no stuck. There is only happy movement forward, in what can’t help but be the absolute right direction.

Pay For It?

Knowing when to ask for help is a hallmark of health.

Not a sign of weakness.

Or of moral collapse.

Nope, asking for help is a sign of self-awareness and strength.

And I am feeling quite self-aware and strong this week because I not only asked for help, but I got it.  I was so serious about getting help, darlings, that I paid for it.

When I’m willing to pay, I know I’m serious.

Now, for someone who has written a book with “De-clutter” in the title, you may find it odd to hear that I hired a de-clutterer.  But I did.  And it may just be the best money I’ve spent in a long time.  Because what had been a problem area – an unfinished storage area in my basement stuffed to the rafters with junk – has changed from being a stinking, rotting albatross around my neck to a chirpy Bluebird of Happiness on my shoulder.

I’ve thrown away 15 boxes full of junk.  Nine large green trash bags of… trash.  I have sorted toys and clothes and a huge pile of stuff is going to Goodwill.  And what I’m keeping is stuff I want, or is useful, or is loved.

I feel so relieved.  And happy that the thing I no longer need might be just the thing someone else will love.

And I couldn’t have done it on my own.  I know this.  How?  Because I routinely went down there, trash bags in hand, opened the door, full of intention to Clean This Place Up, and got immediately overwhelmed.  Where to start? How to start?  I’d usually end up heaving a huge sigh as I turned on my heel, snapped off the light and shut the door. Until I got up the courage to go down there again, which would always end in the same frustrating and diminishing result:  nothing done.

By getting the right kind of help this week, I was able to get the right kind of result.

So that’s why I hired a coach, too.

For someone who is a coach, you may find it odd to hear that I hired a coach.  But I did.  And it just may be the best money I’ve spent in a long time.  Because I was able to get clear on some very important things about my business and my life.  Clear enough to make really good decisions.

Now, I have to say that I’m one lucky woman.  I am in a circle of exceptional, generous coaches who coach each other on an as-needed basis.  It’s a tremendous gift and I am very grateful for the connection with these wonderful people.  But there is something that happens when you pay for what you need.  Maybe you take it more seriously, because you’re invested.  Maybe it has to do with making a commitment.   Maybe the formality of sending a check amps the meaning up a bit.

Regardless.  By working with a coach, I will be a better coach.  A happier person. And that’s a great “get”.

So, let’s talk about you.  Where do you need help?

Can you identify the results you’d like?  And find the perfect person to help you get there?

Can you call them today?  And to prove that you’re serious about getting this thing done, pay them?

Because, trust me, your life will be so much better when you do.

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