What Do Men Want?

Last week, I wrote about the surprising fact that as women age they grow increasingly sadder — their happiness peaks at 47 and goes downhill from there.

If you clicked over to Marcus Buckingham’s article, you may have seen a little graph that showed women’s slide into unhappiness over time. But juxtaposed against this female happiness drop-off, you may have noticed that, starting at age 47, a man starts getting happier.

What? Men get happier and women get sadder, starting at the same mid-life point? There has got to be something to figure out here, don’t you think?

There are two psychologists whose work on men’s emotional health has been very illuminating for me — Dr. Terry Real and Dr. Michael Gurian.

Gurian has provided an apt analogy to understand the flow of men’s lives. He says that all men view themselves as warriors on a quest, and that the challenge at mid-life is to make the move from warrior to wise man. In my shorthand, a man must shift from being Luke Skywalker to becoming Obi Wan Kenobi.

When I think about Luke Skywalker, I think about a young man in a hurry. Impatient. Wants it now. Rash. Reckless. An anxious striver. In contrast, who’s Obi Wan? Centered. Strong. Wise. Comfortable in his own skin. Peaceful. Happy.

OK, you’re thinking. Star Wars. Quest. Sure. Quest-schmest.

Consider this:

“If you are a woman, you may have noticed that your boyfriend or husband may talk in the evening about his accomplishments or inventions or the way he vanquished a business opponent. He is involved in realigning his sense of self-worth with what happened that day along the lines of the heroic intentions that he (or perhaps even you) projected for himself. You may notice it gives him pleasure and pride to review his accomplishments and potentials, whereas you may feel less of a need to review your own with your friends or even with him. As he provides you with details of his potency — his accomplishment and potential — a beautiful and mysterious thing is going on: he is bonding with you through the presentation of himself.” [What Could He Be Thinking? by Michael Gurian]

Feel familiar?

So a man is on a quest. When we think about quests, we tend to think big. The Holy Grail comes to mind, doesn’t it? But each man gets to designate his own Holy Grail — the only qualifier is that it has to feel big to the guy. One man’s life quest might be to produce an error-free P&L upon request. Another man may seek the cure for cancer. One might pursue the perfect model train set up. Another may strive to have his name on a building dedicated in his honor. One may want to post the highest score ever on Call of Duty 4.

Whatever it is, it’s the man’s motivator — and it’s really important.

Now, let me take a moment and speak directly to my sisters.

I believe strongly that what men want most from women is safety and deep acceptance. For much of his life, a man may have been told that he’s too smelly, or too dirty, or thinks about sex too much. He’s also told he needs to be in touch with his feelings, talk it out, feed the baby — while he’s being told to be strong, a lone wolf, and eat what he kills.

A man often gets the message that whatever he does, he’s gonna be wrong. Some how, some way, he’s wrong.

But when women provide a safe place for a man to be all the things he is, right and wrong, smelly and sexy, and give him deep acceptance of his quest, then men can fully relax, be authentic, be themselves… and be happy.

Because the old saw that men have the emotional life of rocks is just plain wrong.

“The main point is this: men are just as feelingful, just as relational, just as connected, just as dependent, just as needy, as women are. The idea that women are relational and men are rocks is just nonsense. I don’t believe that men are from Mars and women from Venus. I think we’re all from the same planet. What’s going on is that men had been coerced since boyhood to forego these relational qualities and skills and squeeze their sense of membership and self-esteem through performance. I believe that in this culture neither girls nor boys are taught healthy self-esteem. Girls are taught to filter their sense of self-worth through connection with others, and boys are taught to filter their sense of self-worth through performance. That’s a very vulnerable foundation for one’s sense of self-worth.” [Menweb.com Interview with Terry Real]

What do men want? After knowing them — by being their daughter, their sister, their wife, their friend, their girlfriend, their coach — I can say, men want to be men. They want to be recognized for the heroic things they do, and appreciated for their life’s quest. Regardless of scale.

And at age 47, a man might just feel accomplished. Financially, emotionally, physically. Men head into their peak earning years at age 50 — maybe that’s why they start to feel happier.

Their quest starts to pay off.

After all of those years of anxious striving and being wrong, finally they begin to be comfortable in their own skins. They know who they are and that what they want is OK and right.

If they’ve played their cards right, they’re Obi Wan.

And the Force is with them. Who wouldn’t be happy?

Turn Your Love Around

I met the woman at a local coffee shop. She’s a Chief Operating Officer, working as an interim or temporary COO in situations where someone left, or the organization needs a turnaround. She’d been a coaching client for several months and her business was going well.

She had asked for the meeting because at age 42 she was feeling…stuck. Unhappy. Not quite…there.

The last time we had met, I had taken a gamble and suggested that perhaps her dissatisfaction was not so much around her professional life, which was humming along the way a great COO gets things to hum along. No, I had a hunch that she was unhappy because something was missing. And I said it. Out loud. “Maybe what you’re missing is a partner.”

And as hard as that had been to hear, she had come to see that what she wanted more than anything was, as she put it, “love and community.”

So, that morning we began to hone in on what “love and community” means — to her. And figure out how she could invite more of it into her life.

Here’s the point where I went all woo-woo on her. I told her a story about a green candle. See, I have this friend who is steeped in Native American culture and she recently told me to light a green candle on days with an eight in them — like the 8th, 18th, 28th — and say a prayer for increased prosperity. She’s kind of a bossy friend, so of course I did exactly what she said.

And within 24 hours, I had received nearly $11,000 in new money.

Another friend, Susan, lit the green candle and a house sold. $65,000.

But. The key thing is that you have to light the green candle and ask for prosperity for yourself AND FOR OTHERS. Can’t be self-centered, can’t be hateful and mean toward your enemies and exes. You have to be open and generous and spread the wealth.

So I asked my client, “How can you devise a little ritual where you invite love and community into your life, and claim your role as spreading love and community, too?”

She had tears in her eyes. She clutched her throat. “Oh. My. God.” she repeated over and over. “What?” I asked. “Oh, my God. I have been so greedy,” she announced. “All this time, I have been saying that I need to get someone to love me, and I have never thought a minute about loving them back. Oh. My. God.”

Right at that moment, I caught the tune playing on the sound system: Turn Your Love Around by George Benson. We both laughed at the utter appropriateness of the song. And I took the opening and ran with it. “So, how can you turn your love around? How can you walk around being a magnet for love and community? How can you bring as much as you receive?”

She said, “I know this is exactly what I have to do, but it seems like whenever I open myself up to a man, I end up disappointed.” She then told me a story about meeting a man who said he’d call and… didn’t. “What do I do with that?” Need I tell you that this 42 year old, green-eyed blonde is a knockout? So he’s not calling because she’s not a babe. There’s another reason. It’s her energy, her vibe, her mindset. We talked about how different it would be to meet men if her energy were focused on giving rather than getting — and how that would open her up to not only more men, but to more friendships.

We worked out specifics about how she can set her intention daily to be a creator of love and community and how she can express gratitude for all the good things in life. And, we parted ways.

When I got home, I had an email from her, saying, “YOU’RE MAGIC!” It seems that as she drove away from the coffee shop, she got a call from the man who had said he would call. I smiled. About an hour later, another email, “YOU ARE REALLY MAGIC!” She had received an invitation for an impromptu get-together with friends that evening.

Truth is, I’m not magic. Hard as that is to admit. Rather, she’s magic. And she’s magic because she was brave enough to move from focusing on what she was going to “get” and center in what she’s going to “give.”

Now. I am an Executive Coach. She’s a Chief Operating Officer. Was this executive coaching? Or woo-woo coaching, or what?

Here’s the way I look at it: people are people, and everyone’s personal life influences their professional performance. By spending this one hour on her personal life, and beginning to shift her area of dissatisfaction into greater satisfaction — this COO’s work performance will only be enhanced. Her life will be happier.

And that is why I do what I do.

Reeling In The Years

She was born in 1914.  Before World Wars. Before Great Depressions.  When horses and wagons were more prevalent than cars and trucks.  When food came from the garden out back, and eggs were laid by chickens who had names.

I guess I first met her about 70 years later at a football game, notable because it was where she learned to do The Wave.  Which she did with elegance, grace and her own sense of rhythm.

And today, I helped celebrate her birthday.

Because Julia Munroe Woodward has lived for 95 years.

Nearly 80 people gathered to honor her at a party in her childhood home — all descendants, or, like me, folks who married in (and even a few of us who married in, got unmarried, but stayed in).  In the southern tradition, she’s called Miss Julia, or Mama, or Grandmama, or Gigi. That last being the pet name used by the great-grandchildren. All 35 of ‘em.

You see, her six children had children who had children, so it was quite a crowd. To tell the truth, Miss Julia loves a happy crowd and a fun party. Always has.  Always will.

Me, too.  And I especially loved this party.  Because here… I saw the echo of Miss Julia’s cheekbones in this granddaughter. A fleeting glimpse of her eyes in that great-grandson. Her no-nonsense style in that one. Her love of music in the other. Kindness and laughter abounded. All a testimony to her and how she has lived.

Perhaps it’s true that there is a part of us that never dies, never ceases.  Not only are our physical characteristics echoed in our children, but our ideas and values go on, too.

From Miss Julia I have learned the value of speaking one’s mind. I’ve learned that an open heart is a healthy heart. I’ve learned that if you can give, you should give. I’ve learned that love depends so much less on rules and much, much more on experience.

I will never forget watching her and her two sisters bury their younger brother, Dick, and the kindness and compassion they showed to his long-time partner, Luis.  The epitaph they chose for their theatre-loving brother came from that southern master Tennessee Williams: “Nothing human disgusts me, unless it is unkind or violent.” Perfect for Dick.  Perfect for his sisters.

Perfect for me. And for my kids.

Over the years Miss Julia has certainly slowed down.  At 95, I’m not going to begrudge her that — her slowing down just gives the rest of us a chance to catch up!  But I also know that despite her physical limitations, she’s still learning something new everyday.  She’s still vibrant and curious.  And, she’s still someone who will do The Wave.  Just ask her.

Story Fondling

Some time ago I wrote an essay on forgiveness where I suggested that “Forgiveness is when the hurt you’ve suffered no longer drives your decision-making, nor defines who you are.”

Believe me, I’ve returned to those words time and again. And recently I came to see that people who are stuck are often unwilling or unable to let go of the hurt they’ve suffered. They are stuck in the hurt because somehow it defines them in a way that feels, oddly enough, comfortable.

It’s the woman who will tell you, with great bitterness, how unfairly her ex-husband treated her. How he screwed her out of money. How he turned the children against her. How he cheated on her and walked away scot free. The jerk. When did this happen? you might ask, and be shocked to find out — it was 30 years ago.

It’s when your friend starts to complain once again about how intolerable her workplace is. What a psycho her boss is. How brown-nosing her office mates are. How favorites get recognized but hard work is never rewarded. How she has no energy and barely drags herself into work every day. And you’ve heard the same complaints over and over without cease for the past five years.

Being stuck — feeling powerless to change, not knowing what to do, fuzzy thinking — happens to all of us at some time or other. We have a problem and can’t seem to find a way out.

Why is that?

It’s as if staying fully engaged with the problem prevents people from having to come up with a solution. There’s a issue, poppets, when we love the story of our problem so much that we can’t bear to let it go. We’re “story fondling”, as my friend Martha Beck calls it. We love our story. We absolutely adore it. We hold it close, as if it were a tiny baby needing our tender, loving care.

But when we story fondle, we allow our problem to define us and shape our decision-making.

Which is the opposite of forgiveness.

And only prolongs the pain.

The only way forward, as you may have heard, is through. To get unstuck, once and for all, you have to stop focusing on the problem and start focusing on the solution.

You have to break up with the problem and start dating a solution. Or play the field if you want and try several solutions.

Sure, sometimes we fondle our problem in an attempt to understand it. And that’s important — understanding the pain can help us craft a solution that works. But 30 years of fondling? Excessive. That’s 30 years of living life in pain, and on hold. Which might feel safe, but is ultimately a waste.

What you’ve got, for sure, is today. Yesterday’s gone and tomorrow is not promised. Laying the problem aside and living right here, right now, focused on solutions — that’s the key to arriving at the most powerful point of forgiveness — self-forgiveness. Which is the path toward a vibrant life, worth living.

Gratitudinous

I am grateful for:

Teenagers who aren’t too cool to giggle with their mom.

Friends who throw parties. And let me tour their upstairs.

Crocuses.

The promise inspired by synthetic Easter basket grass.

Smart people who become business partners.

Resiliency.

England Dan and John Ford Coley. And ITunes.

Shoes that fit and look cute.

Love.

Great salads.

The ability to take chances.

Writers of books that make me think.

Friends who move to Costa Rica to start a new life.

Email.

Being able to express myself.

Kissing a baby’s feet.

Creating.

The feet in sand, fingers in seawater kind of vacation.

Which I will be doing this week. So, enjoy yourselves in my absence. And remember: it’s hard to be stressed when you’re grateful. List the things you’re grateful for… and it will be just like you’re on vacation, too.

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