Money Changes Everything

 

Let me shoot straight with you.

Most of your biggest problems stem from fear.

And most of your biggest fears boil down to money.

Will I have enough?

Will I have enough to do all the things I should do?  Buy the things I should buy?

Will I fit in with my peers if I don’t have $150 jeans or regular Botox injections or trips to Disney World?

What if I have too much, and don’t fit in?  What if I become everyone’s piggybank?

What if I lose everything?  What would people think?

We place so much meaning on money.

What I’m paid reflects my value to society.

If you give me money, you must like me.

Money is the way to get the power to do what you want.

And there’s the negative about money.

People with money are unhappy, egotistical jerks.

Money changes everything.  For the worse.

These fundamental, underlying, limiting ideas around money don’t really help you – they only serve to hold you back.  You don’t ask for the raise, because you’re afraid you’ll find out what your boss really thinks about you. Which is – you fear – not much.

Or you decline to negotiate your child support agreement because you fear you’ll be reminded that your ex disliked you enough to end your marriage.

It’s a potent cocktail of emotion.  And some of you have ordered a double.  On the rocks.

But, believe me, money can be simple.  It can be easier. Know how?

Do this: Shift to seeing money as a tool.  Just a tool.  Not a referendum on you as a person.  Or your value to society. Or your desirability.

Swap out your troubling money thoughts for this: “Money is a tool that will allow me to do things in support of my priorities.”

Of course, you need to know your priorities.  And be very clear on them.  And make sure they’re your priorities, and not the priorities of your parents, your grandparents, your peers or any of the Kardashian sisters.

Because, in the long run, taking care of your financial health is the ultimate expression of self-care.

When I take good care of my financial health, I am taking good care of me.  And of my priorities, goals and intentions.

And when I am free of  limiting, negative, fearful attitudes toward money, I can easily ask my clients to pay me, or ask my boss for a raise.  I can make wise purchases and investments that support me and where I want to go.  When I am clear, I am the best advocate for myself.

When I stop operating from fear around money, I naturally move to living in comfort with money. I go from “can’t” to “can.” I move from lack to abundance, spontaneously.

It’s not that money changes everything, honey.  It’s your attitude around money that truly changes things.  Let it be for the better.

Make Your Own Thanksgiving

This week I’ve been thinking about money.

And how so many people get all weird and wobbly when it comes to talking about it. Asking for it. Having it at all.

And it’s interesting that they way our parents and grandparents handled money probably affects the way we handle money. I think about the woman whose immigrant parents struggled and sacrificed and lived in poverty. And now, even though she makes a million dollars a year, she hoards paper towels and soup… just in case.

Or the guy whose dad was a dreamer and a schemer. When they had money, they spent it – lavish dinners, fancy trips, stylish clothes. And when they had no money, they fantasized about how they’d spend it once it came back. Today, this guy has no savings and wonders what happens to his cash.

A couple of months ago I wrote When Gifts Become Junk – just because someone gives you a gift, like a legacy around money, you don’t have to take it.

It’s kind of like Thanksgiving.

I remember the first time I had to cook Thanksgiving on my own. I planned to carefully replicate the traditional family menu, but then ran into a little blip. Where my family had bread-and-oyster dressing, heavy on the sage, his family had cornbread dressing with plenty of celery and onion. My family was mashed potatoes, his was rice. Ours was brown gravy. His had hard-boiled eggs floating in a yellow gravy.

We each had our own idea of What Thanksgiving Is and What One Must Consume So It Is Truly Thanksgiving. Compromise felt like loss.

Oh, I come by the feeling of What It Should Be quite naturally – another family legacy. I remember my mother preparing Thanksgiving when I was a child. She looked at our loaded table and would always say, “You know, my grandmother would have chicken and dumplings, ham, turkey, fried chicken, and four different kinds of pie…this just doesn’t seem like Thanksgiving to me.” The fact that we had ham and turkey and three pies – never lived up to what Thanksgiving Should Be.

What a struggle. It’s the tension between fantasy and reality, really. It’s the tightrope of being present right here and now, and living in a storied and maybe flawed recollection of a “better time.” It’s an oppressive and unrealistic burden because the past you’re trying to match was probably not as wonderful as you recall. It probably wasn’t any more happy than you can make today.

So to be firmly here in the present, and living a happy life, there comes a point when you simply choose to make your own Thanksgiving.

Take a look at the heritage of your forebears and decide what you want to consciously take forward with you in your own life. It is absolutely OK – hey, it’s more than OK, it’s imperative — to decide whether you want to continue with the tiny marshmallows on the top of the super sweet potatoes, or go a bit healthier and replace that traditional dish with, oh, steamed broccoli.

You create your own traditions, not because what your parents and grandparents did was wrong. It may have been really right. For them. At that time. But now, it’s your life. You can create your own way of being in the world, darling, because you are you – not them.

Look at the legacies gifted to you by your parents and grandparents — around money, around relationships, around body image, around holidays – and decide: “Is this what I want for myself? Does this make me happy, or give me stress?”

If a tradition works for you, and makes you very, very happy – then keep it. If a tradition feels like a heavy obligation, and makes you very, very stressed – then it’s time to lovingly let that relic go.

Feel free to make your own menu, and it will be your own Thanksgiving. Every single celebratory day.

W-O-R-K (A Four Letter Word)

Time for a gut check. Do you like what you do?

You get up each morning and get ready for your day — what’s that like? Are you eager? Procrastinating? Measured? Rushed? Let me ask you this: Are you happy at the prospect of going to work?

I imagine there’s someone reading this right now who scoffs at the very idea. “Michele,” this person wants to say, “work is work. You’re not supposed to like it! Work’s just something you do to pay the bills and get financial security so someday you can retire and do whatever you daggone well please.”

Hmmn. So, let me get this straight. I am supposed to work for forty years at a job I detest just so I can retire and get the freedom I postponed? How in the world does this make sense?

But it’s a widely held view. And it governs us in so many ways.

A friend lamented that her teenage son has no drive. No ambition. No idea of what he wants to do. He isn’t interested in getting a summer job. My friend is contemplating grounding him unless he finds a job, any job. Doesn’t matter what he does, just as long as he works.

“Why do you think he doesn’t want to work?” she asked. Maybe it’s because all he hears is his mom and his dad complaining about their own jobs. He looks at his father and sees a man who misses games, and assemblies, and sports banquets because of the demands of his job. Who’s distracted and on his Blackberry when he is home. Maybe he sees a mom who’s frazzled and frantically juggling all the family elements that make up the boy’s entire universe — school, home, sports, friends.

With this kind of role model around work, who would want to get a job?

The secret to being happy is this: do more of what you like and are good at, and do less of what you dislike — even if you are good at it. I, for example, dislike spreadsheets. Especially spreadsheets regarding historical spending, actual spending and proposed spending. They give me a headache. However, despite the pounding in my head, I am good at deciphering those kinds of spreadsheets and can be an active participant in discussions about them.

However, if I had a job that was solely spreadsheets, I’d be a morose blob of bleah.

I know a woman who is an accountant and has been at the same job for fifteen years. She goes in each day, does her work, goes home. It’s a blob of bleah. She knows she’s not really happy, but she’s competent and that’s all work is about, right? When you probe, you find out that what she’d really like to do is teach. The idea of teaching math to kids makes her whole face light up. But, she’ll tell you, how could she possibly take the pay cut?

And, I ask: What’s the price of being happier?

Maybe not as much as you think. It’s a funny thing. When you start to do more of what you love, so much shifts. Time and time again, I have seen people take a “pay cut” and live richer lives. Either they find they need less than they thought, or they find that their priorities shift and needing that expensive suit, that keeping-up-with-the-Joneses vacation, that nifty sports car — just not important. Those “things” were only used to fill the gap that happiness now fills.

Or they find that they get paid more than they ever expected. They get salary increases, and bonuses. If they own their own business, clients flood in. Why? Because they are on fire about doing what they love. People who are passionate about what they do attract business and opportunities.

Wouldn’t you recruit a teacher that all the students, parents and faculty adored? Wouldn’t you want an accountant who found beauty and joy in numbers? Wouldn’t you hire a coach who loves what she does?

Work doesn’t have to be a four letter word. When you live a life of your own design — doing what you love and are good at — you’ll find that even work feels like fun. And each day is a joy. And your kids can’t wait to get a summer job.

Financial Consciousness

Plenty of people seek spiritual enlightenment and consciousness. They go to regular services, read religious books, attend retreats, meditate, and travel to holy places around the globe. Some enterprising seekers even eat, pray and love themselves smack into a lucrative book deal.

Consciousness is a good thing. You might even say it’s the only thing. And guess what? Consciousness extends to how you handle your money.

Taking care of your financial health is as important to your personal growth as is taking care of your physical health. A chaotic financial life reflects a chaotic life, period.

As with any pursuit of consciousness, it’s important to understand your values around money, set out your financial goals, allow your intentions to flow from your values and goals — then act.

So, how do you start to grow your financial consciousness?

1. Know what you spend. OK, I am going to start by suggesting you buy something, which I know is wacky. But you can spend about $29 and get a good, basic computer program like Quicken or Microsoft Money that will help you track your expenses. Online banking is a terrific resource for this — with a click of a button, you download your monthly statements into your program and then take just a few moments to decide which category your spending falls into – voila! – you have a clear picture of your financial health.

2. Analyze your data. Where are you spending your money, and why? Are you spending to support your values and goals, or are you spending because you’re bored? Did you buy that coat because “everyone” is wearing it this year, or because you absolutely love it and have no other coat? Are you planning that vacation because it’s a place you’ve always wanted to show your kids, or because it’s the “hot” spot with the in-crowd? Once you understand all of that, ask yourself: where am I out of balance with my money? Create some financial goals in line with your values, like fully funding your retirement account, or paying off your credit cards, or saving for a vacation, or even having the money to take your mother to dinner once a week. Hey, they’re your values, so support them. Make sure your financial actions support your values and goals, rather than anyone else’s, and you’ll see your financial health improve immediately.

3. Tell yourself (and others) the truth. I know women who hide their purchases from their husbands. I know men who hide their purchases from their wives. But if you take away the reckless thrill of keeping a secret, would you make the purchase in the first place? If you’re motivated by the power and control inherent in keeping someone else in the dark, then, honey, why not do a little work on that? Expanding your consciousness to get a grip on your control issues could be the key to unlocking negative behaviors. Behaviors that don’t help you, or help build a happy partnership.

Telling the truth to yourself and others about money is an integral part of growing your awareness. If you see that you’re routinely $500 a month short and you tend to spend, oh, $495 a month at Target, then perhaps the truth is: We spend too much at Target. Not angry. Not judgmental. Not blaming. Just a fact-based observation. Then what do you do? Why, don’t go to Target when you’re bored, or feel lonely, or need a “little bump.” It’s just like you’re in recovery, my friend, and need to stay away from the places that tempt you.

4. Make a plan. Once you get a clear idea about what you’re spending and why, you can make a plan to spend appropriately. I’m not saying “cut back” because that raises all sorts of shortage and lack notions. Like a dog chasing its tail, living in a feeling of lack or shortage leads to overspending in an attempt to cure the lack. Then you have more lack which you have to spend your way out of. Who wants to go round and round like that? Nope, I’m saying you can develop a plan that allows you to be financially healthy and to spend where you need to, and save where you need to. Design a plan to honor your values and allow you to meet your needs. You may find that when you get in financial balance you “need” differently than you did when you were out of balance.

5. Keep in touch. Review your spending monthly, or quarterly. Notice where your spending is in alignment with your values, intentions and needs. Make adjustments where you need to. Pat yourself on the back when you’ve done well.

When you take care of yourself — aligning your physical health, your emotional health, your spiritual health and your financial health with your values, goals and intentions — you can’t help but live a life full of meaning and joy. Which is what all seekers seek, is it not?

Clinging To Money

So, you have two gold coins. They are the only gold coins you have in the whole wide world, so you hold them tightly in each fist. Then one day you actually meet the leprechaun at the end of the rainbow with his pot of gold.

He says to you, “Dip your hands in and you can keep as much gold as you can carry.” If you dip your hands in with your fists clenched, holding tightly to your two gold coins, how much gold can you scoop? Uh, none.

But if you open your hands, allowing those two gold coins to possibly slip out, how much gold can you scoop?

When you open your hands, you can hold so much more. When you close them tightly, there is no room for more than what you’ve already got.

I developed this little story to illustrate the “issues” many people have around money. Most of the time we cling to what we think money does for our status, and what we perceive money can do for us. I can’t tell you how many times a client will say, “I know I’m not happy in my job, but to do what I truly love I’d have to take a cut in pay!” Hmmmn. Perhaps. But doing what you love is, just like the commercial, priceless. And, remember this: do what you love, and the money will follow.

I was recently in a meeting when a man declared that his objective was to make $10,000 a day. Again, I thought, “Hmmmn.” Will $10,000 a day make you measurably happier than, say, $9,000 a day? Would you be even happier at $12,000 a day? Is there an end in sight, or will you always incrementalize your happiness – ‘til you get to the point where you can never make enough to be “happy”?

Can you tell me who’s got their gold coins grasped tightly in their fists?

I have the most wonderful CPA. His name is Stan Friedman, and I’ve worked with him for quite some time. Many years ago, Stan told me that he saw a direct correlation between how much clients give away and their income. When he told me that, I was intrigued and made an effort to look at how I allocated my money. And Stan was absolutely right.  The more I gave away, the more I got. The happier I got, the less I felt I needed. And still, more came to me. It’s nutty!

Don’t get me wrong. It’s better to have a dollar in your pocket than have none. Having been in both situations, I can personally testify to that statement. Being paid what you’re worth is affirming, and having financial integrity is fulfilling.

But, when you give yourself the freedom to be generous, the world opens up to you. Generosity begets abundance. Don’t take my word for it — give it a try.

Clinging tightly to an idea that money = happiness… limits you. It restricts your access to the underpinnings of true happiness, which are, simply, doing what you love and are good at. You can’t help but be rewarded for that, my friends.