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Trial & No Error

May 15, 2011 By 1 Comment




I happen to love Wednesdays. Once upon a time, “Wednesday” meant “25 cent beer night at Phi Kap’s” – a fond memory, believe me.  But now, in the fullness of time, Wednesdays no longer equate to fraternity party excess.

[Well, not that often.]

Wednesdays have become the day when I work with members of The Club, my affordable coaching program.  Each Wednesday, members get a sharp, focused one-on-one 20 minute coaching session – and, boy, do we get work done.  It’s wonderful.  And during the course of last week’s laser coaching appointments, I realized that there was a common theme emerging.  A theme around perfectionism.

It seems that many of us want to be absolutely perfect right out of the gate.

The website copy must be perfect.

The presentation must be flawless.

The vacation must be life-changing.

The relationship must be relentlessly connected, joyful, energizing and sexy.

No room for errors, mistakes, illness or personal preferences (especially those of other people).  Not enough time. The stakes are way too high. Which, of course, made me write myself a note: “What ever happened to trial and error?”

Trial and error is a beautiful thing! Trial and error opens the mind – why the result could be anything!  I could be surprised.  Elated! I could be disappointed, sure – but, regardless, I will absolutely learn something fascinating. Something that will make my next try more successful.

That’s the reason trial and error underlies the scientific process.  Frankly, I am thrilled that some guys kept looking at blue mold on bread and working it, working it, until there was a successful outcome – penicillin.

I am happy that the guy who goofed up making a new glue decided to see what it would do on paper before the threw the whole batch into the trash.  What would you do without Post-It Notes?

It pleases me to think that right now, out there somewhere, someone is testing what blueberries and spinach would taste like in salsa. Talk about creativity!

Perfectionism absolutely kills this kind of creativity.

Perfectionism prevents exploring – “what if it’s the wrong direction! What happens then? What if I make a mistake? Better just stick to the tried and true. Must not fail.” So to protect yourself against failure, you squash your curiosity, and creativity falls aside. And you learn nothing.

Because you only discover when you explore.

Not to mention the waiting. Good golly, Miss Molly, but perfectionism often requires waiting.  And waiting.  And waiting. So many people wait until the perfect pops out, fully developed and well-formed. Indisputably astounding. Making observers say, “Wow!”

This, darlings, is a happy dream. A happy dream which, I will admit, has never happened to me or anyone I know in real life. The best stuff has come with focus, over time, with smart trial and plenty of errors.

Perhaps people seek perfection as an insurance policy so they can’t be told they’re wrong when they put their stuff out there.

But I have better insurance: When I’m using trial and error, I’m not “wrong” – I’m just not “right”… yet.

I am, however, happily on the road bound there. Doing stuff. Creating. Filing errors under “learning” so my next attempt will be even better.

Filed Under: Authenticity, Clarity, Getting Unstuck Tagged With: , , , 1 Comment

What I Believe

June 6, 2010 By 10 Comments


I believe work can be fulfilling.

I believe you can thrive in your career.

I believe now is the perfect time to start your own business.

I believe that risk of authenticity is worth it.

I believe that leaders who replicate their own dysfunctional family dynamic are the biggest threat to a workplace.

I believe in speaking up.

I believe that change is a constant.

I believe that fear is crippling.

I believe that there’s no such thing as “perfect”.

I believe that someone right out of jail without a high school diploma can be a great employee.

I believe that someone with an MBA can be a great employee.

I believe that all great employees need a mentor.

I believe that the simplest solution is the best solution.

I believe that people are generally good, and want to help others.

I believe you never really lose when you make a mistake – you get to learn.

I believe most companies don’t really know how to compensate or incentivize their employees.

I believe some great leaders are born, and some great leaders learn.

I believe that workplaces can become better places.

And that’s why I do what I do.

And you?  What do you believe?

Filed Under: Career Coaching, Clarity, Getting Unstuck Tagged With: , , , , , , , 10 Comments

Love Your Work? (What Are You, Crazy?)

March 28, 2010 By 5 Comments



I got an email this week from a lovely 25-year old reader – she asked:

Since you work with a lot of professionals and others in the work force – what’s your experience? How many people out there really love their jobs?  I wonder if I was being too negative in thinking that there’s no such thing as the perfect job or that I’ll never just LOVE going to work every day.  Any advice to thoughts along these lines?

This is a great question, whether you’re 25 and just launching your career, or if you’re 55 and in the thick of your working life.  Can’t wait to answer it.

First of all, there seems to be a collective idea about The Plan.  Know what I mean?  The Plan goes like this: Do well in high school –> go to a great college –> go to law school/get a MBA/become a doctor –> get the perfect job.

And guess what? Doesn’t always happen like that. Sorry to burst your balloon, kiddo. There’s a story in the Washington Post that might be of interest – 22-year old Bekah Steadwell graduated from a competitive college – Oberlin – and is working two jobs as a cook while living at home with her parents. And her two college-graduate sisters. Her path is much different from the one we outlined above, huh?

The trick for Bekah and anyone else whose path did not go the way they planned – they couldn’t get a job in their field, or worse, got a job and realized they didn’t really want to do that kind of work – is to accept that their path is different, and that it’s not necessarily a bad thing.

Because sometimes the deviations from The Path turn out to be the most serendipitous. Don’t believe me? Watch Apple’s CEO Steve Jobs talk about his own Path in this Commencement Speech delivered at Stanford.

Perhaps the biggest hurdle is accepting that The Path is a myth – one which creates legions of quietly desperate anxious strivers in pursuit of the impossible. Because you could go to the very best schools in the world, achieve academic excellence, get a coveted job in a prestigious place – and absolutely hate what you are doing.

It happens.

So what do you do if you find yourself hating your job?

Here’s what I tell my clients who find themselves in this fix – ask yourself four questions:

  1. What can I do all by myself to create a better work situation? Could you break up the monotony by consciously doing things differently? Can you learn to manage difficult people?
  2. How can I shift my thoughts away from the negative, toward the positive, about this job? Can you focus on the outcomes – like how, because of your job, you can afford that gym membership, or that trip? Can you seek to find the good?
  3. Have I ever been happy? Look at past happy experiences and see if you can replicate any of the factors you loved back then into your current work. But if you’ve never been happy in any job, then there may be something you need to explore. See #4.
  4. Are there underlying issues I need to work out? If you’ve had a series of unreasonable, demanding female bosses and you had an unreasonable, demanding mother, it doesn’t take Dr. Freud to determine that a bit of therapy might be in order. Really. Burying past ghosts is the single best path toward creating a happy now.

The first step in any situation that’s not working is to look  at yourself and make positive changes.  And if you try, and you still can’t find relief… then it’s time to leave.  No matter what The Plan says.

I’ll write more on figuring out when it’s time to quit – and how to do it – next week.

Filed Under: Career Coaching, Getting Unstuck, Random Thoughts Tagged With: , , , , , 5 Comments

The Absence Of Perfect – Part 2

March 1, 2009 By 1 Comment

Back in 2007, I wrote about what to do in the Absence Of Perfect. What do you do when the perfect solution you have in mind is just not gonna happen?

You can hold on to your idea of “perfect” or, as I suggest, you can ask yourself, “what’s my best option right now?”

There’s so much uncertainty in life these days, and just like you I’m feeling it. In my perfect world, everyone who wanted a job would have a good one. We’d all make our mortgage payments and guys like Bernie Madoff would be responsible stewards of other people’s money.

Yep, in my perfect world, you and I wouldn’t worry about paying for food, or juggling bills, or managing prescriptions, or getting shingles replaced on the roof because there would always be enough of everything for everyone.

A Michele-ian utopia.

But right now perfect is not happening.

So what’s our best option? Well, we could wallow, which is an oft-chosen yet quite unproductive option, or we could do something. I, as you regular readers can imagine, am taking the “do something” approach:

1. Honoring my priorities — which means mortgage, mortgage, mortgage. It’s my intention to pay it first, and attend to other obligations from there. Prioritizing my mortgage means that I am also watching refinancing opportunities like a hawk, and will jump just as soon as I possibly can. This works for me as I plan to stay in my house indefinitely. Well, at least until my kids can get in-state tuition at one of the great universities in Virginia. Or until the Redskins win another Super Bowl. Didn’t I say “indefinitely”?

2. Take on no new debt — which means no big spending. I’d been considering post-graduate studies, and that is now officially on hold. Here’s my rule of thumb: If I can pay for it fully in cash, or pay it off in three months, I will do it. If not, I’m shoving it to the back burner.

3. Pay down my debt — which may mean that I don’t have as much cash on hand as the so-called experts suggest but when I have less debt, I will have more cash flow, allowing me to build up my cash reserves quickly. Feels right to me.

4. Doing what I can to increase my income — which means I’ve developed some great new programs. I have The Results Club for job seekers with my colleague Christina Brandt – a phenomenally gifted Master Coach — and we’re working together on a useful e-book called Finding a Job 2.0. I’m also working with Pam Slim, an insightful and humorous writer and Master Coach, to launch Kick-Ass Mentoring this week, which will help coaches move from stuck to success. Both of these programs are so good that I get goose bumps. All these efforts will (cross your fingers) bring in revenue and more easily help me attend to numbers 1-3 above.

Oh, I hear you. You government employees, corporate citizens, teachers and other blokes who have steady employment — “How can I make more money? I’m on a salary.” Yes, you are. And you can be like the happy young teacher I met the other day, who is working as a waitress on the weekends, AND creating memorable art-themed birthday parties for kids in her spare time around classes. Quite the go-getter.

The question for you may be, How can you go get? What can you do? I’m telling you — I feel good that I’m doing something. I have a plan. I have priorities. Which is my best option, given that so much is beyond my control.

If you’re freaked out about what’s happening now — if your reality of layoffs and tight budgets doesn’t meet your idea of perfection — then take a little step back and ask yourself, “OK, what’s my best option here?” What can you do?

The best in life coach tips and useful suggestions to help you get the life you want to live.
Filed Under: Clarity, Getting Unstuck, Happier Living Tagged With: , , , , , , , , , 1 Comment

I Am Not Superwoman

August 3, 2008 By Leave a Comment


There appear to be many women who hope to convince themselves and the rest of us that they are perfect. Hair — perfectly coiffed, colored and curled. Body — athletic and toned. Wardrobe — trendy, sexy and stylish. Children — well-behaved high achievers. Husband — handsome, wealthy, attentive.

They think they need to be Superwoman. They want everything to be perfect.

But, honey, I know what’s going on inside.

In the push to be perfect, they feel anything but. Life is a series of experiences where they are not enough, and can’t possibly do enough. They look at the women around them and feel inferior, and hide that they’re totally struggling to keep up. They grit their teeth and smile through the stress of Superwoman expectations.

Because I’m a life coach, people often expect me to live that perfect life. Yesterday I was in a shop that sells my book Lose Weight, Find Love, De-Clutter & Save Money: Essays on Happier Living and the store manager said, looking down her aquiline nose at me, “Do you live what you write?” I smiled sweetly and said, “Absolutely.”

And I do. But let me share a little something that may just make tomorrow a little easier for all you would-be Superwomen:

I am not Superwoman. Not even close.

Sometimes my only wardrobe concern is: Am I clean?

My house generally, at all times, needs vacuuming.

I have been known to feed my children take-out.

I often forget to return phone calls and am terrible at remembering birthdays.

I can overbook my calendar.

I am divorced.

No, I’m not Superwoman. And I’m really, really glad for that. Because what I am is 100% Michele. I have four priorities and if I can handle those every day, I am doing a pretty good job. Want to know what they are? Be present with my kids and everyone else I meet. Care for my physical, financial, emotional and spiritual health. Learn. Lead.

That’s it. That’s all. Hair, nails, make-up, shoes? If I get to it, I get to it.

Yep, I am Imperfecta Girl, and I absolutely 100% love my perfectly imperfect life.

If you’re struggling to get it right, to be perfect, to have it all, let me ask you: Can you get to the place where you give up attempting to be a mythical Superwoman, and find the place where you’re a true Imperfecta Girl — authentically yourself, happy with exactly what you have, comfortable in your own skin, serving your own priorities? Go on, give it a try. All you have to lose is stress. All you have to gain is your true self. And it will be absolutely OK with me if you don’t do it perfectly.

Filed Under: Authenticity, Happier Living Tagged With: , , , , , , Leave a Comment
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