What’s Important To You?

In the last couple of months I’ve written about getting un-stuck by choosing growth. About how you can never make a mistake when you are centered in integrity. About how you can, singlehandedly, turn around a challenging work environment – and how to leave a toxic job. I’ve written about creating a new way to measure your own success.

And now, the single most important thing you need to know.

Ready?

The most important thing you need to know is what’s most important to you.

I was standing in my kitchen the other morning, exhausted. It’s been that kind of week. Lots of people giving me unsolicited advice about who I should be and what I should be doing. A lot of assumptions made about me and who I am. Several well-meaning folks attempting to graft their yardstick of success on to me because, very obviously to them, I have fallen short.

As I stood there, baffled, buffeted, blue – and exhausted – I had the most wonderful epiphany.

The most important thing in my life became crystal clear.

My true priority revealed itself.

And in a moment I knew that everything would be OK – because, day in and day out I am serving what’s most important to me. To me. Not to the well-meaning and not-so-well-meaning folks I encountered last week.

I am putting my energy where I want it to go, and that’s the right thing to do.

Because my number one priority is being a present parent for my children.

And although you love me, well-meaning friends, and want to see me on the Today show, knee to knee with Matt Lauer, I’m not going to do it if it means I’ll miss my daughter’s softball game. I’m just not.

And although you don’t understand it, other folks, when I tell you that I’m not that interested in traveling to Marrakesh or Istanbul unless my kids can come too, I’m sorry.

And for those who think I should be making a ton more money than I do – that I’m “leaving it on the table” – you are absolutely right.

That’s a by-product of serving my priority.

Sure, I could be back in a corporate job with a fatter paycheck and juicy stock options. But that’s not my priority.

My kids are.

Let me clarify.  I am no helicopter parent.  I am not all up in my kids’ business.  When I say my kids are my priority, I have an intention.  And my intention is to be reliable, dependable, connected – present – for them.  Because that’s how I think independent, functioning, happy adults are formed. And my big responsibility is to sherpa them to their adult life.  That’s my job.

And I’ve chosen a career for right now that allows me to serve that priority as fully as possible. See, being a self-employed coach allows me to make some key decisions for myself.  For instance, I don’t work between 4pm and 7pm. Just don’t. That’s the time we go to the dermatologist (did I mention that they’re teenagers?), the dentist, the doctor, the orthodontist (did I mention that they’re teenagers?), and every other -ologist known to man.

Four to seven is softball practice and/or games. It’s the time for a run to Target for poster board. It’s when we walk the dogs, or practice a change-up. It’s time to sit on the sofa watching Ellen and discussing both marijuana use in middle school, and what constitutes a hootchie-mama outfit.

This is the golden time that we sit down to dinner together.

A couple of nights a week, I teach or take clients after seven, which works because that’s allegedly homework time (did I mention that they’re teenagers?).

It works. I make the all the money I want to make, I have the time to serve my highest priority.

But here’s the trick. Saying, “My kids are my number one priority” is pretty daggone politically correct. Who would publicly say otherwise without fear of being hauled into the town square (or Twitter) and being stoned by the community?

You are allowed to have your own priority. And it might be growing a business. Or climbing the corporate ladder. Or creating incredible art. Or treating malaria in Africa.

Wherever you spend most of your time, or want to spend most of your time, that’s your priority.

And if you are out of sorts, blue, off step – then look at how you are spending your time and creating your days. If you are spending time on stuff that’s not really your priority, start making some changes.

And you can start by putting your fingers in your ears, saying, “nah, nah, nah, nah, nah” to shut out the voices of folks who would tell you what your priority should be.

What Makes A Priority?

“I have priorities I can’t seem to get to.  What’s that all about?” she asked.  I nodded wisely because I really enjoy that, and people seem to expect it.  I’ve found that when I giggle at serious questions, people get all testy. So I chose the sagacious treatment and said:

“The deal with priorities is this:  if it doesn’t feel urgent, it’s not a priority.  If you don’t wanna, you’re not gonna. When there’s no urgency, it’s more like a dream, or a goal, or an idea.”

I wrote about this a few years ago — You Gotta Wanna. When you really, really wanna, you really, really will. Honest. Nothing will get in your way. Not even those chirping chronic excuse magpies — no time, no money, no knowledge — will  stand in your way.

If you wanna, you will.  And that’s what makes a priority.

To illustrate this point, let me turn to that classic book of literature  He’s Just Not That Into You by Greg Behrendt and Liz Tuccillo (which I happen to own in the hardcover first edition, by the way). To quote Liz quoting Greg: “…if a (sane) guy really likes you, there ain’t nothing that’s going to get in his way.”  Greg also says, “When a guy is into you, he lets you know it. He calls, he shows up, he wants to meet your friends, he can’t keep his eyes or hands off of you…”

Exactly.  There’s a sense of urgency.  Of keen interest.  Of priority.

Feeling murky on your own priorities?  Or, worse, paying lip service to something that never seems to get done (like, for instance, any sentence you start with, “One of these days, I’m going to…”)?

Maybe you just need to get clear on your priorities.  How?  Cinchy. All you need to know is this: Where you put your time reveals your true priorities.

So, think about it.  Where are you spending your time?

What does that tell you about your real priorities?

Sure, your priorities at the moment might be chasing toddlers, or monitoring teen driving habits, or taking care of an ill parent. That’s the reality of the moment for many of us.

Why not just own that?  Rather than beating yourself up for not getting your website up, or for not losing 30 pounds, or not finding the elusive cure for cancer while operating the lunar rover and simultaneously conducting the London Symphony. You know, the usual lofty expectations we have for our own performance.

Aren’t we supposed to aim high? Live big?  I dunno.  What feels big for me might feel minuscule to you, and vice versa.  That’s why I never feel comfortable arguing with someone else about their priorities.  We’re each the expert on our own lives and priorities that come with shoulds (as in, “You really should…”) put someone else in the expert’s chair. We end up serving their priorities, rather than our own.

One thing I know for sure — priorities certainly can be aspirational.  I have a priority to be a good enough mother.  I know, shooting really high with that “good enough”. But in the moments when I find myself less-than-present, I can say, “Michele, you have a priority around parenting — snap out of it and serve your priority, kiddo.”  And I do.

Because I really wanna be a good enough mother.  Don’t have to be a super-mom, or a cover-girl mom. I especially don’t have to be a perfect mom.  Lord knows that’s an impossible, losing objective.  And a whole other blog post.

When you are clear on your priorities and line up your time, attention and energy behind them, I am here to tell you — nothing will stand in your way.  Whatever you want to accomplish, you will. You will be the proverbial hot knife through butter, my friend, and you will find that the thing you are really into is… your own success.

A New Normal

You want to know how to change.

You want to know how to serve your priorities and your values.

You want to know how to do stuff differently.

I know you want this, because you’ve told me. You say, “Why do I keep facing the same stuff all the time? Why can’t I do things differently?”

Well, how about this: When normal’s not working for you, just make a new normal.

Meredith is unhappy in her work. She has a boss who says one thing and does another, and the ground is always shifting beneath her feet. Her normal is stressful, unpleasant, unhappy and needs to change. She knows this.

However, there’s this issue of the economy, and her deep-seated belief that she should be able to turn the situation around, and that she shouldn’t walk away from a challenge, and that maybe she’s doing something really, really wrong and there’s no job that would be any different.

Her normal sucks.

But the way she’s looking at the prospect of a new normal equally sucks.

Unless…

Unless she can change just one thing. One tiny little thing. Toward a new way of being. Toward a new perspective. Toward a new normal.

Like, maybe, starting with a difficult conversation with her mercurial boss. Maybe, just maybe, calling him out on his inconsistencies. In a productive and collegial way, of course. By doing this one little thing, she’ll shift her quiet, don’t rock the boat, please-please-like-me normal into something a little stronger, a little prouder, a little better.

A new, happier, normal.

One area many clients have difficulty with is having difficult conversations. Does just reading that make your teeth grind? OK, difficult conversations are… difficult. Speaking up can be hard. Saying something that might, possibly hurt someone’s feelings is so scary that many of us avoid saying anything.

And we internalize those icky emotions and end up all sick and unhappy and psychically smoooshed.

But when we create a new normal — a normal where we say what’s hard when it’s just a little bit hard, rather than waiting until until it’s big time hard – we break the old patterns and create a new way of handling “hard”.

Habits are tough to break, mostly because they feel so known and, therefore, feel rather safe. A new normal can seem impossible to get, because we’re so familiar with what we’ve got.

Got to open your eyes to the possibilities, darlings, and dare to live a new normal. Because the payoff is big. The payoff is a life of your own design, doing things you like doing, with people you enjoy.

Change is possible, and good. Happiness is attainable. Hey, happiness — it’s your new normal.

CrazyBusy

A few weeks ago I was driving home from a family reunion at the beach and happened to catch a radio interview with Dr. Edward Hallowell. His new book is called CrazyBusy: Overstretched, Overbooked and About to Snap! Given that so many of my clients report feeling the same feeling of being overwhelmed, I turned up the volume and set the cruise control.

Dr. Hallowell, a well known ADD expert, suggests society is imposing what is, in effect, a “cultural ADD” – with the pace of information coming so rapidly many of us report the same symptoms which vex people with ADD. We rush around, we’re impatient, we have a need for speed, we get frustrated, we’re distracted, we can’t pay attention for more than a second, we procrastinate, we can’t remember stuff, and “in general feel busy beyond belief but not at all that productive.” Sound familiar?

What are the consequences of such cultural ADD? Dr. Hallowell writes, “The greatest damage from being too busy is that it prevents people from setting their own temperature, controlling their own lives. It does other harm as well, like increasing toxic stress, making people sick, causing accidents and errors, turning otherwise polite people rude, and reducing the general level of happiness in the population. But the greatest damage it does is that it keeps a person from what’s important.”

Group think can be deadly when it comes to busyness. I remember this phenomenon from college. A group of us would stand around before a test and one would say, “I studied three hours for this exam.” Another would reply, “Three hours?? I studied six.” “Six,” sniffed one. “I was up all night.” The winner was the guy who merely said, “I haven’t slept since last Wednesday.” This ritual one- upsmanship created a sense of panic in those who had actually slept – “Have I done enough? Am I prepared? Should I have stayed up all week, too?” And, the guy who got the best grade was the guy who said he didn’t study at all!

In the workplace, time one-upsmanship is rampant. I know a man who used to leave his office lights on, his suitcoat over his desk chair and his car parked in the lot — he’d take a cab home — to make it look as if he worked around the clock. Upshot? Everyone assumed he was the busiest guy in the place, and tried to meet his rigorous pace. The irony? He’d leave early and come in late, always in shirtsleeves and complaining of his workload, while his co-workers worked longer hours… just to “keep up.”

Then I read a fascinating column in the Washington Post, penned by Jay Mathews, suggesting that overstressed, overbooked folks Dr. Hallowell focuses on are the 5% of Americans in the top income brackets. These overachievers push their children to be just as driven and ambitious as they are. The parents are so busy they can’t think, so their kids are likewise too busy to think. The measure of success? How busy they are. How busy their kid is. How many AP classes their child takes. Admission to an Ivy League college.

Curious, because a study of college graduates shows that where you go to college has little impact on your earning potential. Rather, the authors say, “Students who attended more selective colleges do not earn more than other students who were accepted and rejected by comparable schools but attended less selective colleges.” In otherwords, a successful kid often becomes a successful adult, regardless of where he goes to school. All that parental pressure and busyness to spruce up an Ivy League application — for something which may satisfy the ego but ultimately has no discernable impact on a kid’s income or happiness.

Here’s my takeaway: those of us who feel overstretched and overbooked are likely the same people who were overstretched and overbooked as high schoolers. Overachievers associate with overachievers, creating an environment where boundaries and limits are pushed, ignored or eliminated. Our neighbors push their kids, we push our kids. We run flat out – and run our co-workers flat out – because everyone else is running flat out. Or at least they say they are. For all we know, they could be sandbagging just like the “hardest working guy in the office.”

So, what’s the antidote? How can you get a handle on your overbooked, overstressed life? First, set your priorities. To do this, make a log of how you actually spend your time for one week. Then look it over. How are you actually spending your time? As Dr. Phil might ask, “Is that working for you?” How does that reflect your priorities? When are you happiest?

Second, take a look at the people you’re associating with. Are they helping you be your best self, or are they pushing you toward stressful, keepin’-up-with- the-Joneses competition? Do people in your circle accept you for who you are, even if you’re different from them? If everyone in your office stays until 9pm, can you leave at six and still be a part of the team? If not, why not? Can you step back from the situation and note any one-upsmanship games?

Believe me here. When you align your actions with your priorities, and surround yourself with supportive people, you will immediately feel happier, less stressed and calmer. How do you get there? It may mean you have to plug your ears and not get sucked into the overachieving whirl of your neighbors and friends. You may have to let some people and activities which don’t support your priorities go. Yep, you may also have to start saying no to some things, just so you can say yes to what’s really important.

(This post first appeared as a column in my September 2006 newsletter.)