Need More Time?


Need more time? Have enough time to get everything done? Are there things that remain on your to-do list — for years? Stuff you never get around to tackling, oh, like exercising, finding a new job or actually having friends?

It’s a modern predicament many of us face. But here’s a strategy that really works: simply think about your time differently.

Imagine you have 100 units of energy to spend each day. You can’t take from yesterday, because those 100 units are gone. You can’t borrow from tomorrow, because those units belong to tomorrow.

You’ve just got 100 to use today. How will you allocate them?

First, you have to assess how you’re spending your time. Take a pen and paper (or a crayon and the back of an envelope, or a Sharpie and a docile housepet) and write down everything you did yesterday. Start with what time you woke up, when you got out of bed, what you did next, and next, and next — all the way to the time you went to sleep.

Now, remember: how you use your time reveals your true priorities. How did you use your time yesterday? What does that reveal about your priorities?

Let’s say you have a priority to find a new job, but allocated no energy to that pursuit yesterday (or the day before, or the day before). Could it be that you really don’t want a new job — but that your spouse is pressuring you to make more money? Or, your daddy said you’d be successful when you made regional manager, but you’d rather not do sales at all?

When you really want something, you’ll allocate energy to it. Plain and simple.

Friends, it is also possible to use “lack of time” as a way to avoid taking action, or to avoid something unpleasant. If you think that’s the case, look at the priority you allegedly want to pursue. Do you really want it? Are you avoiding something? Is the priority yours? Or someone else’s?

A priority that someone else places upon you is called a “should” — such as: you should always put ketchup in a dish, not serve it in the bottle at dinner time; you should be a doctor and make a ton of money; you should have a housekeeper; you shouldn’t have a housekeeper; you should keep your house tidy at all times; you should be thinner, smarter, hotter or blonder.

When really all you should be is — you. Shoulds limit us. They force us to serve another person’s priorities rather than our own. We depart from who we are in an effort to meet someone else’s needs — which may not allow us to be our best. That, my friends, is the path to unhappiness. Let’s all focus on being happy, and eliminate shoulds. Agreed?

If you look at how you spent your 100 units of energy yesterday and realize that another person took 70 units, they better have a darn good reason. Most of us are ready to help another person in crisis — but when that crisis goes on for weeks, months, years, you need to take a hard look and ask yourself whether the energy suck is keeping you from reaching your own priorities. If so, set some boundaries and re-shift your energy units to serve you better.

You have 100 units of energy to spend today. How will you use them to support your priorities?

Context is Everything


Here’s a handy little idea to reduce your general frustration and stress level. And who wouldn’t like that?? Ever find other people who really get on your nerves? Of course you do, you’re human! You know folks are getting on your nerves when you ask yourself, “Why is she SO slow?” in the grocery checkout line, or at the intersection, “The light is GREEN! Why won’t he GO?” Or, the pernicious stress of “She didn’t even say hi in the hallway. Is she mad at me? Or just stuck-up?”

Notice what these examples have in common? We’re judging what the other person’s thinking…and taking the logical leap that they aren’t thinking the way we are (so they must be wrong). Of course we’re right and the other guy’s wrong! Really? The truth is this: We never know what someone else is thinking, or doing, or dealing with unless they tell us.

Imagine, will you, that the woman at the grocery store who is so slow is actually doing quite well considering the stroke she had six months ago. Would you still be so impatient if you knew that, or would you give her a break — realizing she’s doing the very best she can? At the stoplight — the minute the light turns green and you go ballistic — what if you knew the other driver was delaying because he was trying to help his choking child in the backseat? Would you still be so impatient? And the woman who didn’t say hi? Would you take that perceived snub differently if you learned that she’d just found out her father’s cancer diagnosis was terminal?

As my dear friend Ashley famously said, after she was widowed in her early 30s, “Once you’ve got something, you find out EVERYONE’S got something!” And it’s true. Everyone has something. And liberation comes when we recognize that the vast majority of us are really doing the best we can given our circumstances.

And it’s not OUR best their doing — it’s unfair to hold them to what we consider “best”. I’ve had so many clients say, “If I put in my best effort, I should get straight As!” or, more judgmentally, “If they only put in their best effort, they would do what I want them to do!” Can you say, “Control Freak?” (Stay tuned: That’s a whole other blog topic!)

What’s the deal with “best effort”? Is the underlying belief: If I put in my best effort, I will definitely succeed? Honey, even if I put in my best effort, I will never go to the NFL Pro Bowl as a linebacker. Ain’t no way. My best there might be Not Getting Killed. My best in any case is mine alone — and yours is yours. It’s all relative. Relative to our skills, strengths, talents and interests, that is.

So here’s what you do: In that very moment when you feel stressed and frustrated with someone else, try taking a step back and saying to yourself, “I have no idea what’s going on in that person’s life, but maybe there’s something I don’t know about — and he’s doing the very best he can.” Bet you this: bet you your stress level goes way, way down.