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Reeling In The Years

July 4, 2009 By 3 Comments



She was born in 1914.  Before World Wars. Before Great Depressions.  When horses and wagons were more prevalent than cars and trucks.  When food came from the garden out back, and eggs were laid by chickens who had names.

I guess I first met her about 70 years later at a football game, notable because it was where she learned to do The Wave.  Which she did with elegance, grace and her own sense of rhythm.

And today, I helped celebrate her birthday.

Because Julia Munroe Woodward has lived for 95 years.

Nearly 80 people gathered to honor her at a party in her childhood home — all descendants, or, like me, folks who married in (and even a few of us who married in, got unmarried, but stayed in).  In the southern tradition, she’s called Miss Julia, or Mama, or Grandmama, or Gigi. That last being the pet name used by the great-grandchildren. All 35 of ‘em.

You see, her six children had children who had children, so it was quite a crowd. To tell the truth, Miss Julia loves a happy crowd and a fun party. Always has.  Always will.

Me, too.  And I especially loved this party.  Because here… I saw the echo of Miss Julia’s cheekbones in this granddaughter. A fleeting glimpse of her eyes in that great-grandson. Her no-nonsense style in that one. Her love of music in the other. Kindness and laughter abounded. All a testimony to her and how she has lived.

Perhaps it’s true that there is a part of us that never dies, never ceases.  Not only are our physical characteristics echoed in our children, but our ideas and values go on, too.

From Miss Julia I have learned the value of speaking one’s mind. I’ve learned that an open heart is a healthy heart. I’ve learned that if you can give, you should give. I’ve learned that love depends so much less on rules and much, much more on experience.

I will never forget watching her and her two sisters bury their younger brother, Dick, and the kindness and compassion they showed to his long-time partner, Luis.  The epitaph they chose for their theatre-loving brother came from that southern master Tennessee Williams: “Nothing human disgusts me, unless it is unkind or violent.” Perfect for Dick.  Perfect for his sisters.

Perfect for me. And for my kids.

Over the years Miss Julia has certainly slowed down.  At 95, I’m not going to begrudge her that — her slowing down just gives the rest of us a chance to catch up!  But I also know that despite her physical limitations, she’s still learning something new everyday.  She’s still vibrant and curious.  And, she’s still someone who will do The Wave.  Just ask her.

Filed Under: Authenticity, Happier Living Tagged With: , , 3 Comments

The Sociopath Next Door

July 13, 2008 By 7 Comments


For those who wonder how I spend my free time, let me tell you: I’ve been re-reading The Sociopath Next Door by Martha Stout, PhD.

Sociopaths are the stock players of popular fiction. They’re the monsters that heroines played by women like Jodie Foster or Ashley Judd have to face down with steely determination, grit and an extremely large weapon. And nice shoes.

In real life, the deal with sociopaths is this: they have no sense of obligation to anyone, and act without the restraints of conscience. They are solo operators at heart — lone wolves — and only use connection with others as a tool to get what they want. And what they want is the thrill of power, manipulation and domination.

Often charming and glib, sociopaths know how to play whatever role they need to play to get what they want. Many can cry crocodile tears on cue, but it’s all superficial, an act. There’s just no there there. No depth of character. Everything they do is calculated to deliver the goods, and just like our pal Niccolo Machiavelli — the ends utterly justify the means. If someone gets hurt in the process, too bad. The sociopath has no conscience, so carries no guilt or remorse for his actions.

The DSM-IV, the diagnostic manual for mental health professionals, terms sociopathy “Anti-Social Personality Disorder” and says it’s present when a person has at least three of seven characteristics: 1) failure to conform to social norms; 2) deceitfulness, manipulativeness; 3) impulsivity, failure to plan ahead; 4) irritability, aggressiveness; 5) reckless disregard for the safety of self or others; 6) consistent irresponsibility; and, 7) lack of remorse after having hurt, mistreated, or stolen something from another person.

We picture oversized characters like Ted Bundy, Jeffrey Dahmer or Hannibal Lecter when we think about sociopaths, but some sociopaths are actually quite passive. For instance, a man with Anti-Social Personality Disorder might feel he has no obligation to work, so he finds a parade of willing, susceptible people who support him. These sociopaths never do anything, never pay their bills, and never feel guilt for having sponged off someone who loved them.

The key indicator of sociopathy, according to Dr. Stout, is the pity play. This is where the sociopath gets us to feel sorry for him — it’s the guy who beats his wife, then tearfully holds his head in his hands while the bleeding wife comforts him. As Dr. Stout says, “…when these sentiments are wrested out of us by the undeserving, by people whose behavior is consistently antisocial, this is a sure sign that something is wrong.”

The sociopath can be the bully at work. Or the guy who sponges off his wife. Or the neighborhood Mrs. Kravitz, who stirs up trouble. The common element? They have no real remorse over their hurtful actions. None. Zippo.

Dr. Stout spends much of her last chapter talking about the nexus between spirituality, community and conscience. Cultures whose spiritual traditions stress the interrelatedness between people and animals and the environment — the connection between all things — have less incidence of sociopathy. Cultures which stress individualism and foster isolation tend to have more sociopaths.

Dr. Stout and other researchers estimate that 4% of our population are sociopaths. Friends, that’s more than have anorexia or colon cancer. So, it’s likely that the most vexing people in your life, as in mine, might just lack a conscience.

If you are facing a situation with another person that where you feel manipulated, controlled, used — in your marriage, your divorce, your neighborhood, your work, your larger family — you may want to consider whether the person in question is really among the 96% of people with conscience… or one of the 4% without. And if he’s a sociopath, my friend, let distance grow in that relationship. Quickly.

Filed Under: Happier Living Tagged With: , , , , 7 Comments

How It’s Going To Be

March 30, 2008 By Leave a Comment

There’s a fine line between being a dreamer and being a dictator.

Because when you are attached to a specific outcome, your single-minded drive toward your goal may make you blind to the feelings and needs of others.

Let’s say you are in a new relationship. You have peeked ahead, and see what you don’t currently have: children, a happy home and no financial worries, with that darling white picket fence. And you are deeply in love with the happy vision you’ve concocted. It’s nice that a man came along to be inserted into the picture!

When (not if) something comes up which precludes you getting what you want– it’s going to take time and energy to finalize his divorce from his wife — you become a petulant Veruca Salt, stamping her foot and saying, “Divorce her NOW!” Because you need what you want. You’ve assigned so much meaning to what you “need” that you’re blinded you to the reality of who your boyfriend is and any feelings he might have around the end of his marriage. From your perspective, his divorce is just something standing in the way of your dreams.

Wait a sec. If every good marriage is based on a deep caring and friendship with the other person, does pressing your dream outcome allow you to be the kind of friend and partner your boyfriend needs? Could you be destroying the very opportunity you desire by being so doggedly determined to get what you want?

Let’s say you want to change your life by starting your own business. You do the research, create a sound business plan, find a good opportunity, hire a lawyer and accountant, and draw up the legal papers. All good. You go so far as to envision what your first steps will be, how the place will feel, what each day will be like. OK, you’re fine. Visualization is an excellent tool to direct you toward a positive outcome. But if you’re so in love with the idea of you as the owner of a particular business in a particular location that you can’t see the shortcomings, pitfalls and weaknesses of your plan, you may end up overruling your advisers and taking a deal that’s not really in your best interest. Because you made up your mind about how it’s going to be, and that’s what it’s going to be.

Let’s say you’re running for President of the United States and you are so focused on winning that you can’t see that you’re behind in delegates, behind in the popular vote, behind in fundraising and have rising negative opinion polls. By golly, you’ve made up your mind that you are going to be President and that blind ambition propels you toward an outcome that’s growing more and more elusive. You stop listening to naysayers, surround yourself with “yes” people, and irreparably damage your public image with your frantic pursuit of your goal.

Honey, to reduce your stress and anxiety you’ve got to hold on loosely to your intended outcome. Loose enough to be able to grab on to an unexpected outcome that’s even better than what you had in mind. You can do this when you form your intention, visualize your dream and then say:

“This or something better.”

“This or something better” vs. “This is how it’s going to be” is being fluid vs. being rigid. It’s being present right here, right now, aware of the truth in this moment vs. being somewhere else, focused on what’s not yet happened — may not happen — and totally unaware of the truth.

It’s having arms wide open to serendipity vs. arms crossed against the chest with much foot stamping frustration.

Imagine lovingly whittling a hunk of wood into two parts — a square peg and a round hole. You can spend your lifetime attempting to insert the square peg you’ve created into the round hole you love, but how to get it to fit?

You really only have two options: reduce the size of the square until it fits into the hole, or craft a new, larger square hole.

When you detach from your outcome, it’s as if you’ve suddenly found a million unexpected holes in which the peg easily fits. When you have a good plan, and execute it to the best of your ability, and are then open to whatever happens, you will be amazed by the beautiful, happy, unexpected opportunities that present themselves.

The best in life coach tips and useful suggestions to help you get the life you want to live.
Filed Under: Career Coaching, Getting Unstuck, Managing Change Tagged With: , , , , , , , Leave a Comment

What Is Love?

February 17, 2008 By 1 Comment


Nothing like a pop song to get to the heart of the matter. “What Is Love? (Baby Don’t Hurt Me!)” may not have been the top of the charts, but it had a good beat and you could dance to it.

Is that what love is, though? Love is just not getting hurt? Certainly that’s an implicit understanding in relationships — but don’t we also sing along with the equally catchy pop song with the chorus: “You only hurt the one you love”?

Many of you know that I am a big fan of the work of theologian Henri Nouwen. Recently I was reading his book Reaching Out. In it, Nouwen defines love as creating a safe place for another person to be fully themselves. What a thought! In this context, love is a gift you give with no promise of anything in return. And, no expectation of how a person must change to “win” your love. You remain an individual in a relationship, merely giving space to another individual in the same relationship.

Nouwen’s idea becomes very clear to me when I think about the love between a parent and a child. If my job as a loving parent is to make a safe place for my child to be fully herself, then I have to hear her opinions, tolerate both her purple hair and her messy room if that’s how my child expresses herself. This week.

In terms of romantic relationships, too, Nouwen’s definition has heft. To truly love someone, it’s imperative to let them be themselves. Not to ask them to change to meet your particular needs or your etched-in-stone expectations. If you have banked on marrying a guy with a fat wallet, are you really loving when you try to turn a poet into a corporate attorney? Or when you try to make a quiet, shy child into class president? Is that love?

If someone is destructive, reckless, negative or otherwise hurtful, the safest place for you might be to give the person an awful lot of room to be fully himself. Remember, our life’s mission is not to change or save someone — if their choices are destructive to us, we can lovingly step back and give them space.

In the seminal book The Art of Loving, psychologist Erich Fromm suggests that we are motivated by the anxiety caused by our inherent separateness as individualized human beings. Of course, this relates to our relationships with our mothers, as do most psychological theories. But don’t get me started on that. And how mothers are systematically eliminated from nearly all Disney films. That’s a whole other topic…

Back to the point. If our quest, as Fromm puts it, is to achieve union as a remedy to our anxious feelings of separateness, how do we find love as meaningful as in Nouwen’s definition? How do we manage the twin drives toward individuality and separateness?

Sometimes, frankly, we don’t manage them too well. For people who have unresolved issues around abandonment, or control, or separation from their parents, or personality disorders, or other blocks, the idea of being separate in an intimate relationship is scary and confusing. They may lack the tools to go within to resolve these problems, so they crave merger to salve their inner wounds. Aided by the popular culture which says, “Two Become One” (wasn’t that a Spice Girls song?), some people find it truly difficult to remain an individual in an intimate relationship. Experts say that it’s precisely this merger which threatens the health of our most intimate relationships.

So let’s reframe what relationships are supposed to be, shall we? Dr. Michael Gurian, who wrote What Could He Be Thinking?: How a Man’s Mind Really Works, is an expert on brain biology. Bottom line: men’s brains and women’s brains are constructed differently so we act differently. It may not be that the man hogs the remote because he’s a self-centered jerk — he may just be wired to be territorial. Women aren’t weak and silly just because they like talking about stuff — it may be just that she feels bonded when she does so.

If I make a safe place for you to be a guy, and you make a safe place for me to be a gal, what have we got? Dr. Gurian’s theory of “Intimate Separateness” holds that there is a natural ebb and flow between the male brain’s need for independence and the female brain’s need for closeness. Merely understanding this nature-based fact can allow couples the freedom to be individuals and to move naturally between the two states — distance and closeness — without either being “right” or “wrong”. This helps couples move away from destructive expectations of merger which can’t be met anywhere except on the silver screen.

To love is to give. To love is to give a safe place for another person to be fully themselves. With no thought to what you’re getting in return. It’s a gift. It’s so much more than romance. It’s bigger than a crush. Yet, it’s simply a gift. A gift that enlarges the lives of both the lover and the loved.

Filed Under: Happier Living Tagged With: , , , , , , 1 Comment

When To Quit

January 6, 2008 By 4 Comments


Every once in a while I have one of those weeks where it seems that every client is talking about the same thing. When that happens, I figure I’m getting some big old honking message.

And I have to write about it.

This week, the ubiqui-topic was “When do I quit?” And there seems to be variety in what it is people want to quit — quit smoking, quit a job, quit a relationship, quit worrying.

But how do you know it’s time? How can you be sure you’re clear, and leaving for the right reasons? What are the right reasons, anyway?

It’s time to quit when the person you are becoming is someone you don’t like. When you’re in a job, and as a condition of employment you are expected to fudge facts, shift numbers and lie to customers, you become a person who fudges, shifts and lies. Is that who you want to be?

A relationship that asks you to set aside your own personal goals, your own friends, your own hobbies — that asks you to nag, or to make excuses for another person, or to change your beliefs — who are you in that kind of relationship? You’re a person with no rudder. You’re a person with no self. Is that who you want to be?

It’s time to quit when you find that you love having the problem more than the problem loves you. If you find yourself talking about the problem all the time, stewing and fretting, worrying about it, analyzing it, turning the problem over and over in your head — is that who you want to be? Is that how you want to use your energy?

There’s an underlying ubiqui-thought we need to address, friends, and it’s: “I should be able to make this work.”

Maybe you could make it work. If you were King of The Forest and could control all the elements. So, let me ask you — do you control your boss? Can you stop him from giving you an ASAP assignment — at 5pm on New Year’s Eve? Can you stop him from lobbing f-bombs at you? Can you stop her from excluding you from important meetings, or distribution of key memos?

Can you make your boyfriend sober? Can you single-handedly restore your spouse to mental health? Is it possible to string together the perfect set of words that will make your boss sit up and say, “By golly, you’re absolutely right! I’m a jerk! I am going to change 30 years of my behavior just because of what you said!”

Ah, folks can dream. But we know the truth: you only control yourself, and you only change yourself. “Making this work” often means adapting yourself to something that’s unhealthy.

And you become, over time, someone you don’t want to be.

“Yes, but…” is another tactic we use to stay stuck in an unhealthy situation. “Yes, but… when he leaves his wife, stops drinking, goes to counseling and gets a job, everything will be perfect.” OK. But for now, he’s with his wife, drinking, avoiding counseling and unemployed. That’s what’s real. The “Yes, but…” you’re waiting for might never happen.

And who are you becoming while you wait?

You and only you have the opportunity, and the right, to live the life you are meant to live. Quitting that which is unhealthy for you and moving toward that which is healthy can be really, really hard. But it’s the only way you become someone you really, really like.

Filed Under: Career Coaching, Getting Unstuck Tagged With: , , , , , , , , 4 Comments
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