Loving Change

It’s funny. I am usually the cock-eyed optimist who writes about how to create more happiness and joy in your life and your work.

I often tell you to focus on what’s working, and do more of that, and do less of the stuff that drains you or makes you unhappy.

I will tell you that’s The Secret of Life.

However.

Today, I’m telling you that sometimes, to make a change, you have to dwell in what really stinks.

Today, I’m suggesting that you have to wade right in and bathe in what’s worst about your situation to really make a change.

You know, maybe it’s human nature to hate change. Maybe it’s human nature to gaze at the bright side and tell ourselves that it’s really not so bad, this is what we need to do, maybe something else would be worse. Or harder. Or suck even more than the sucky thing we are already acquainted with.

But when you’re exhausted, or sick, or heavier than you need to be… Or when you have a short fuse, or are constantly on edge, or hate going into your office…

Then you’ve gotta start loving change.

It’s kind of like making your grandmother’s favorite casserole. The recipe calls for sour cream, butter, cream of mushroom soup, cream cheese and cheddar. You love your grandmother, and you love her cooking. Brings back memories. But eating sour cream, butter, cream of mushroom soup, creamed cheese and cheddar all baked together is not how you want to live your life today.

To change the recipe to suit the way you want to eat today, you make changes. Substitutions. Like using chicken broth, herbs, more protein. Sure, it’s not grandma’s recipe exactly. It might taste kind of like hers, but really – it’s yours now.

You know I have the idea that we each have 100 units of energy to spend each day. Yesterday’s are gone, and tomorrow’s belong to tomorrow. All you’ve got is 100 to use today. And if you have created day-after-day which calls for 120, you’ve got a problem.

It’s just like having too much dairy and fat in a recipe.

Something’s gotta go.

This is something that I’ve begun to realize about my own life. There are tactics, approaches, habits, ways of being, that worked for me as a coach, say, five years ago, but don’t particularly work for me today.

So, I’m going to let them go.

I’ll admit it – I feel a little uncertain about the changes I’m going to make. Will they work? Will I be happy? Will I make the revenue I want to make?

Truth? I don’t know. I could be making a mistake.

But.

The alternative – not making a change – feels like continuing to eat food that’s satisfying, but not really supportive of the way I really want to live.

You’re probably wondering what I’m going to do.

Right?

I’m going to do less one-on-one coaching, and focus on groups, workshops, retreats and speaking. I’m talking about having maybe five individual clients. That seems about right to me.

And it’s a big shift. Because right now? I’ve got about 20 individual clients. And the paradigm for many coaches is a plethora of clients. For many coaches, that’s their bread and butter. The source of most of their revenue. And I’m letting that go.

Kinda scary.

What I want is more time to create. What I want is more time to focus. What I want is a few of the absolutely right clients to work with very closely. And I want a bunch of the absolutely right people to work with in groups.

Because I have a priority around creating. Which is hard to do when you’re flat out. So I am reallocating my energy units so I can have the space, and time, to create.

Maybe you’ve created a recipe for your life that once worked, but isn’t working so well for how you want to live your life today. If so, wade right in and figure out what ingredients need to be swapped out. Figure out how to make a satisfying dish out of healthier stuff. And love that change.

Change: Tastes great. And, less filling.

Out On A Limb

Mistakes Were Made

Can you imagine a world without Post-It Notes? Well, you almost didn’t have them… the adhesive used to make sticky notes sticky was a total mistake. In 1968, inventor Spence Silver was tinkering with adhesives and developed something quite unusual. According to the 3M website, Dr. Silver tried to get 3M brass to champion the new glue for five years. But it took Art Fry, a visionary at the company, to see the practical use — he made a bookmark for his choir hymnal, and the purpose of the adhesive became clear. Post-It Notes were rolled out in 1980 and have become a great American product.

If our scientist-hero had been a perfectionist, he might have thrown out that batch of adhesive because he’d made a “mistake”. Fortunately, Dr. Silver took the time to learn from his mistake — and to see if he could do something with it.

Learning from mistakes. Something we’ve been taught all our lives, huh? But how many of us really do it? Seems like what we actually do is orient our lives so we don’t make mistakes. We so control and prepare and plan that we allow no room for mistakes. No room for the creativity mistakes inspire. No room, then, for serendipity.

I love serendipity. Serendipity can only happen when you allow yourself room for it — by first saying, “oops”. Think of the guy who first thought: “What if I put peaches in…salsa?” Or the guy who missed his flight and met his future spouse? Or the woman who took a wrong turn… and avoided an accident. Or the scientist who screwed up a batch of glue, and became a millionaire?

Tightly controlling all aspects of our lives may help us feel safe, and unchallenged… but at what cost? We set up an impossible standard to live by — perfection — and then deal with the stress of not being able to meet “perfect” very often.

I’m face-to-face with my shortcomings everytime I’m on a golf course. Did you know that less that one half of one percent of all amateur golfers actually make par on every hole in a single round of golf? Yet, every golf course in the world is set up for the perfect player. The vast majority of golfers are far from perfect, and they keep on playing. How do they do it? Many golf instructors suggest golfers establish their own par for a hole: “I usually score six here, so if I do better than that, great!”

If you struggle with being perfect, think about setting your own “par”. How do you usually do this task? What’s good enough for you? Don’t worry about the guy in the next cubicle, or the gal next to you in line, or those insistent voice of your mother in your head… what’s your “par”? Shoot for your own par, make mistakes and leave room for serendipity. What will you create?

The Difference Between Men and Women

Isn’t the Internet a wonderful thing? You can read something interesting, then click to something else quite interesting, which leads, hours later, to an utterly random yet extremely fascinating article, completely unrelated to what got you started.

Using just this circuitous method, I stumbled on an interview with researcher Beverly Whipple, recently named one of the world’s 50 most influential living scientists by New Scientist magazine. Whipple, professor emeritus at Rutgers University, began her career as a nurse and switched to sex research 44 years ago when a patient asked if a man who had suffered a heart attack could ever have sex again. In the course of her career, she has answered that question and many others.

One line from the interview really jumped out at me. When asked the difference between men and women in terms of sex, Whipple replied, “Men are goal oriented, and women are pleasure oriented.”

Well, now. That makes a ton of sense, doesn’t it?

Then I wondered if there were other areas of life where this is true. Sure, some men are keen to experience, not just rush to a goal. And women are known to set and meet goals. But in the aggregate, the idea that men have one definition of success and women have another has implications in the boardroom, as well as the bedroom. As I pondered, I realized there are plenty of examples of this, especially if you exchange the word “pleasure” for “experience”.

Think about shopping. A man goes into a Shopping Situation with a seek-and-destroy mindset: “I need two new shirts, a tie and boxers, then I’m out of here!” Women may have things they need to pick up, but also look at the possibilities. “Sharon would like this!” or “This might work for Tom.” Women often shop with a friend, and make a day of it. They pay attention to ambiance, texture, sounds.

He has a goal. She’s after an experience.

Another example? The NCAA Final Four bracket chart. Can you think of another more goal-oriented deal than that? A guy will completely fill in the bracket and track the progress of the teams to the ultimate goal – the #1 position. On the other hand, when I watch college basketball I am fascinated by the stories, “Brent, the power forward, Lucas Jones, certainly has faced adversity. He was raised by his loving, asthmatic grandmother in Waukegon’s gritty inner city after he tragically lost his parents to a freak Zamboni incident at age 8. He’s a mentor to little kids at the Girls and Boys Club, a ventriloquist and a straight A student.” Ahhwww. Women are suckers for that stuff. It’s all part of the experience.

Women are color commentators, men are play-by-play.

So, where else does it matter that men are goal oriented and women are experience oriented? Let’s get back to sex. Many men, and plenty of women, feel that orgasm is the goal of sex. Some men feel that there must be “something wrong” if their partner doesn’t climax. Yet, I was surprised to learn from Professor Whipple that over 70% of women report they do not have orgasm every time they have intercourse. Sadly, there are a lot of women, and men, who feel “less than” sexually when, in fact, they are quite normal. The average woman takes 20 minutes to become sexually aroused — and, how shall I say it, in the rush to make their goal, many men forget not only the time, but the day of the week [insert laugh track here].

Imagine the mutual satisfaction if a man was aware that the experience is what is important to a woman, rather than rating “success” on whether she did or didn’t have an orgasm. What if he fully supported her “pleasure for the sake of pleasure” and de-emphasized orgasm? With less pressure to perform for both parties, there would be better, and dare I say it, more sex.

I have to write a word about “male performance”. What a doofy phrase. As if the man performs and the woman applauds. As we’ve seen above, that’s not always true. Take it from me, it’s not a performance, gents. Writer Gary Zukav talks very eloquently about the power of the sexual connection in his book The Seat of The Soul. In that book, Zukav suggests that forgetting the spiritual aspect of sex strips it of its meaning. In that way, too, the idea of “male performance” strips sex of the mutuality of the moment.

Just understanding that he needs a goal and she needs an experience could transform a relationship. Rather than expecting him to love shopping, just like she does, a woman could say, “I am going to respect his need to seek-and-destroy when he’s shopping and not browbeat him to enjoy it as much as I do.” Or a man might plan an outing with a woman and say, “Rather than try to climb to the top of Mt. Baldy as fast as possible, I’m going to make sure Susan really enjoys the experience. We’ll move at a reasonable pace and stop halfway to have a picnic lunch.”

Wouldn’t it be great if a male manager could acknowledge that there is more to work than meeting and beating objectives – and reward women who focus on team-building and systems strengthening? And a woman manager could recognize that the guys on the team need the satisfaction of having something to strive toward, and create a process to measure and reward progress toward the goal?

There is so much to learn and appreciate from the differences between men and women. If a man can learn from a woman to slow down and enjoy the experience, while the woman learns the satisfaction of making and reaching goals, a kind of relational balance can be had – a balance which makes life for each of them that much more full.

Accepting Gifts

It’s all in how you receive.

Let’s say someone gives you a bouquet of flowers. You have a choice about how you will receive them. You could say, “Flowers, huh? What’s HE been up to?” Or, you could say, “Carnations? He only sprung for carnations? Cheapskate.” You might say, “He knows I hate Peruvian lilies — what’s he trying to tell me?” Or, you could merely accept the bouquet and say, “Thank you.”

It’s all in how you decide to receive a gift.

And that’s true whether you’re receiving a tangible gift, like we do here at Christmastime, or accepting your own inherent gifts. I am often amazed at the number of clients who can wax rhapsodic about their weaknesses and shortcomings, but when I task them with inventorying their strengths, they freeze up.

Perhaps we’ve been socialized away from “tooting our own horn” to the degree that we forget we’ve actually got a horn anyway. It does feel awkward to say, “You know, I am really good at (fill in the blank).” Try it. “I am really good at (insert your strength here).” Was that easy or hard? Did you struggle to find something to fill in the blank?

Performance reviews often focus on that which needs improvement (your weaknesses) without so much as a nod to what you’re consistently doing really well. Focusing on the negative puts people in a defensive, one-down position. What a shift it would be if corporations acknowledged employee strengths and let folks play to them!

So, how do you identify your strengths? Glad you asked.

1) What tasks are you often asked to do in your workplace, home or volunteer activities? Organize the Christmas party? Entertain clients? Write a business plan? Train the new guy? Serve on a committee?

2) What are you doing when you lose track of time? Reading actuarial tables? Talking with clients? Walking outside? Writing? Preparing meals? Thinking? Working on a project with others? Being physical?

3) What things have you consistently gravitated to throughout your career? Building teams? Starting businesses? Problem-solving? Big-picture thinking? Coordinating details? Serving others?

Answering these questions may lead you, for example, to understand that you are highly socially intelligent — great at reading other people and excellent at client service — yet you spend a great deal of time completing paperwork. That may lead you to determine you need an assistant to do the paperwork, freeing you up to spend more time with your clients, and increasing your sales revenue.

One of the keys to happiness and satisfaction is knowing what you’re good at and doing as much of it as possible. I often tell clients, “Do more of what you like and delegate the rest!”

When I work with clients to inventory their strengths, we’ll identify one and they will often say, “Well, of course, but anyone can do that!” Really? Everyone can plan and execute a Presidential event for 40,000 people in a week? Everyone can prepare corporate tax returns? Everyone can make a nutritious, tasty meal in 23 minutes? Everyone can manage a group of people to a positive end result? Everyone can raise a million dollars?

I don’t think so.

We tend to minimize that which comes easy to us and focus on that which comes with difficulty. We’ve heard this so many times: “If it’s worth anything, you’ve got to struggle for it.” My perspective is: “If you have to struggle for it, you may be trying to do the wrong thing.”

Accepting and working with your particular gifts shifts your way of thinking from “There’s plenty I’m not good at” to “Look at what I can do!” Which attitude, do you think, leads to greater happiness and satisfaction?