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The Absence Of Perfect – Part 2

March 1, 2009 By 1 Comment

Back in 2007, I wrote about what to do in the Absence Of Perfect. What do you do when the perfect solution you have in mind is just not gonna happen?

You can hold on to your idea of “perfect” or, as I suggest, you can ask yourself, “what’s my best option right now?”

There’s so much uncertainty in life these days, and just like you I’m feeling it. In my perfect world, everyone who wanted a job would have a good one. We’d all make our mortgage payments and guys like Bernie Madoff would be responsible stewards of other people’s money.

Yep, in my perfect world, you and I wouldn’t worry about paying for food, or juggling bills, or managing prescriptions, or getting shingles replaced on the roof because there would always be enough of everything for everyone.

A Michele-ian utopia.

But right now perfect is not happening.

So what’s our best option? Well, we could wallow, which is an oft-chosen yet quite unproductive option, or we could do something. I, as you regular readers can imagine, am taking the “do something” approach:

1. Honoring my priorities — which means mortgage, mortgage, mortgage. It’s my intention to pay it first, and attend to other obligations from there. Prioritizing my mortgage means that I am also watching refinancing opportunities like a hawk, and will jump just as soon as I possibly can. This works for me as I plan to stay in my house indefinitely. Well, at least until my kids can get in-state tuition at one of the great universities in Virginia. Or until the Redskins win another Super Bowl. Didn’t I say “indefinitely”?

2. Take on no new debt — which means no big spending. I’d been considering post-graduate studies, and that is now officially on hold. Here’s my rule of thumb: If I can pay for it fully in cash, or pay it off in three months, I will do it. If not, I’m shoving it to the back burner.

3. Pay down my debt — which may mean that I don’t have as much cash on hand as the so-called experts suggest but when I have less debt, I will have more cash flow, allowing me to build up my cash reserves quickly. Feels right to me.

4. Doing what I can to increase my income — which means I’ve developed some great new programs. I have The Results Club for job seekers with my colleague Christina Brandt – a phenomenally gifted Master Coach — and we’re working together on a useful e-book called Finding a Job 2.0. I’m also working with Pam Slim, an insightful and humorous writer and Master Coach, to launch Kick-Ass Mentoring this week, which will help coaches move from stuck to success. Both of these programs are so good that I get goose bumps. All these efforts will (cross your fingers) bring in revenue and more easily help me attend to numbers 1-3 above.

Oh, I hear you. You government employees, corporate citizens, teachers and other blokes who have steady employment — “How can I make more money? I’m on a salary.” Yes, you are. And you can be like the happy young teacher I met the other day, who is working as a waitress on the weekends, AND creating memorable art-themed birthday parties for kids in her spare time around classes. Quite the go-getter.

The question for you may be, How can you go get? What can you do? I’m telling you — I feel good that I’m doing something. I have a plan. I have priorities. Which is my best option, given that so much is beyond my control.

If you’re freaked out about what’s happening now — if your reality of layoffs and tight budgets doesn’t meet your idea of perfection — then take a little step back and ask yourself, “OK, what’s my best option here?” What can you do?

The best in life coach tips and useful suggestions to help you get the life you want to live.
Filed Under: Clarity, Getting Unstuck, Happier Living Tagged With: , , , , , , , , , 1 Comment

The Simplest Solution

July 4, 2008 By Leave a Comment


Ever heard of Occam’s Razor? William of Ockham was a 14th century monk who labored in Latin on matters of logic. His key observation, translated and traveled through the centuries, is called “Occam’s Razor” (obviously spelling mutated over time):

“All other things being equal, the simplest solution is the best.”

What’s this mean for your life?

When you have a problem with someone else: what’s the simplest solution? Would it be… telling Karen, who talks to Alex, who mentions something to Tom, who plays golf with the husband of the person you have a problem with? Will that approach solve your problem, or potentially make it worse? Using Occam’s Razor to cut away the extraneous steps, we find the simplest solution — talking with the person directly to handle the problem.

How do you know when you’re not using the simplest solution? When you find yourself saying, “I can’t”, as in “I can’t find a new job at my age because I’d have to go back to school, and pass that exam, get certified, and probably move to some new city, which would be really hard on John and the kids.” Rather complicated scenario, huh? It’s a solution which — surprise, surprise — successfully keeps you from doing anything at all. Can we discover the simplest solution? Could it be to find a great job that provides training right in your own home town?

Sometimes it seems we love having the problem so very much that we envision only completely unworkable, complicated solutions — just so we can hang on to the problem we say we hate (but actually love). It’s like: “I need a job but don’t want a job but want to revel in what a screw-up I am ‘cuz I’m not getting a job.” How can we love and hate a problem at the same time? It’s called story fondling, and it reinforces negative stuff and keeps us totally and completely stuck in the past.

Identifying the simplest solution is a way to cut through all the debris in your life and find a really good, clean place to be. The simplest solution is always authentic. The simplest solution is easy. The simplest solution is the way to go.

So, when you find yourself tied up in knots trying to find a complicated solution to whatever you face, think of good old William of Ockham and ask yourself: “All other things being equal, what’s the simplest solution?”

Filed Under: Career Coaching, Clarity, Getting Unstuck Tagged With: , , , , , , Leave a Comment

Story Fondling

May 18, 2008 By 1 Comment


Some time ago I wrote an essay on forgiveness where I suggested that “Forgiveness is when the hurt you’ve suffered no longer drives your decision-making, nor defines who you are.”

Believe me, I’ve returned to those words time and again. And recently I came to see that people who are stuck are often unwilling or unable to let go of the hurt they’ve suffered. They are stuck in the hurt because somehow it defines them in a way that feels, oddly enough, comfortable.

It’s the woman who will tell you, with great bitterness, how unfairly her ex-husband treated her. How he screwed her out of money. How he turned the children against her. How he cheated on her and walked away scot free. The jerk. When did this happen? you might ask, and be shocked to find out — it was 30 years ago.

It’s when your friend starts to complain once again about how intolerable her workplace is. What a psycho her boss is. How brown-nosing her office mates are. How favorites get recognized but hard work is never rewarded. How she has no energy and barely drags herself into work every day. And you’ve heard the same complaints over and over without cease for the past five years.

Being stuck — feeling powerless to change, not knowing what to do, fuzzy thinking — happens to all of us at some time or other. We have a problem and can’t seem to find a way out.

Why is that?

It’s as if staying fully engaged with the problem prevents people from having to come up with a solution. There’s a issue, poppets, when we love the story of our problem so much that we can’t bear to let it go. We’re “story fondling”, as my friend Martha Beck calls it. We love our story. We absolutely adore it. We hold it close, as if it were a tiny baby needing our tender, loving care.

But when we story fondle, we allow our problem to define us and shape our decision-making.

Which is the opposite of forgiveness.

And only prolongs the pain.

The only way forward, as you may have heard, is through. To get unstuck, once and for all, you have to stop focusing on the problem and start focusing on the solution.

You have to break up with the problem and start dating a solution. Or play the field if you want and try several solutions.

Sure, sometimes we fondle our problem in an attempt to understand it. And that’s important — understanding the pain can help us craft a solution that works. But 30 years of fondling? Excessive. That’s 30 years of living life in pain, and on hold. Which might feel safe, but is ultimately a waste.

What you’ve got, for sure, is today. Yesterday’s gone and tomorrow is not promised. Laying the problem aside and living right here, right now, focused on solutions — that’s the key to arriving at the most powerful point of forgiveness — self-forgiveness. Which is the path toward a vibrant life, worth living.

Filed Under: Career Coaching, Getting Unstuck Tagged With: , , , , , , , 1 Comment