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What I Want For You

January 9, 2011 By Leave a Comment
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Life is all about the cupcakes.

I want you to maximize your potential.

You’re always at your best when you center in your strengths and focus on your true priorities.

When you know your values and serve them daily.

When you accept who you are and get to the place of self-respect and self-love.

When you live the life you were meant to live.

I want you to be able to make your career work for you, rather than the other way around.

You can be yourself and succeed.

There are no “shoulds”, only choices.

You are the best expert on you – not your boss, not your co-workers, not anyone else. You.

Stress can be a motivator, but too much of it saps your energy and makes you sick.  Workplace drama masquerading as “stress” is pointless.

You have the capacity to design a life that’s right for you.  On all counts.

I want you to be supremely clear.

So you can make the best possible decisions for yourself.

Without getting stuck.

Or hung up.

Because good decisions beget more good decisions. And I want more good in your life.

But most of all, I want you to be happy.  I want you to wake up ready to engage with the day.  To have that energetic kind of enthusiasm that makes work feel effortless.  To enjoy what you’re doing so much that you lose track of time. To go to bed feeling fulfilled, connected and satisfied.  To have fun.

I want all of this for you.

And that’s why I do what I do.

Thanks for letting me.

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Filed Under: Authenticity, Clarity, Getting Unstuck, Happier Living Tagged With: , , , , , , Leave a Comment

4-Step Holiday Survival Guide

December 19, 2010 By 2 Comments
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I wonder if you’re heading into the coming “magical” Christmas week with slightly more than a teensy bit of anxiety?  So much to do, so little time.  A lot of moving parts, and moving people.  Gifts to get, food to prepare, people to be polite to (it’s that last part that’s the real challenge, huh?).

As Ricky Ricardo might say, “Ai, yi, yi, yi, yi”.

If you’re beginning to feel like all you have to do is endure the next week, take a deep breath.  This 4-Step Holiday Survival Guide will turn things around for you.

Oh, it’s possible.  Yes, I know your track record.  I heard about the year with drunk Uncle Ralph, well… ralphing.  I recall the Christmas of Misplaced Nuts and Bolts.  And, of course, the never to be forgotten Year of the Stomach Flu.

Four things.  That’s all you have to remember to not only get through this week, but to really enjoy it.

1. Have no expectations. This doesn’t have to be a Christmas to remember (great song, but sorry, Amy Grant).  The more you push to make it “magical” the less likely it is going to be magical.  You might have an expectation that the True Christmas Experience means handsome mother and father in matching Christmas sweaters sipping a hot toddy before the fire while their well-behaved children play quietly and reverently with their well-appreciated new toys.  Honey, unless you live in Stepford, I don’t think that’s going to happen. Everyone has wild cards in their families. A puppy. Or toddlers. Or teens. Or Uncle Ralph. I’m just sayin’.

If you’re single, or newly divorced, or newly partnered, or newly widowed, holding this unattainable expectation of the fabled True Christmas Experience in your heart and mind will only bring you suffering.  Drop it. Love what you’ve got. Oh, of course, recognize the learning in the yearning and work toward getting some of that – connection, belonging, love, perhaps – into your life another way.  Maybe by volunteering at the food bank or mentoring a struggling reader.  Remember: You can create what you want.

2. Be present. I mean:  when you’re with people, look them in the eye.  Participate in conversations.  Help with the dishes. When you’re checking your office email, or mentally checking off your to-do list, you’re not really “here”. You’re “there”.  When you find yourself with alone time during the holidays, be equally present. With yourself.  Feel how you feel.  Pay attention to the book you’re reading.  Really taste your food.  If you’re present to yourself, you’ll be a fuller person, and, voila!, much happier.

3. Find the fun. Let’s just say it out loud – the holidays are hilarious. You are making the stuff of family legends, folks. To tell you the truth, memories of the unintended humor inherent in Christmas gatherings can keep me going through the dark, cold days of February, like when Andrew ate potpourri, thinking it was a snack (priceless).  Or, like the time my friend Karen and her family woke to the sound of “Crash (tinkle, tinkle, tinkle)” to find the Christmas tree had toppled, the ornaments had all broken and sappy tree water had run all over the gifts (OK, they laugh about it now). Oh, and remember that spontaneity can be an instant fun creator.  Have a snowball fight.  Or a margarita party.  Dance.  Do the Wii with great-grandma (I bet the old girl could nail Beatles Rock Band).

4. Give generously, not reciprocally. Yes, this is the lesson Scrooge finally learned, and we all know it because we saw the Bill Murray movie. But times are still tough for a lot of people, and what matters most is that you be the kind of person you want to be this Christmas. Want to send something to your nieces and nephews? Go ahead, do it – even if their family can’t reciprocate.  And you don’t have to give Things – you can give time.  Trust me on this one, even teenagers appreciate it when someone makes time to listen to them.  Give because you want to be a giving person.

Oh, and don’t forget to give something to yourself this year.  I mean it – find a little something that will buoy your spirits, and give you joy.  Wrap it up and put it under the tree.  Or give it to yourself in a quiet moment of reflection.  It can be as low-cost as the gift of a nap.  Or as expensive as a new car.  Choose what feels right. Because taking care of yourself is just as important as taking care of others.

When you hold Christmas in a clenched fist of direction and control, or focus on the keeping and settling of scores, it’s a lose-lose-lose situation you’re setting up. And you’ll have a lousy week.  So, lighten up.  Relax.  Enjoy.  And sing along as great-grandma belts out “I Wanna Hold Your Hand.” 

She’s gonna nail it.


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Filed Under: Authenticity, Happier Living, Random Thoughts Tagged With: , , , , , 2 Comments

It’s Quitting Time

October 10, 2010 By 1 Comment
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sunflower



So now you know what to do when you work with or for a real jerk. We talked about that last week and the week before that. You know that the first step is to see what you can do to shift the situation, and you know how to set boundaries, right?

Good.

But while doing that stuff will definitely make you feel better and get you much clearer, sometimes you’re just in a bad work situation that’s not going to change.

And the only thing to do is to exit, stage left.

But how do you know if quitting is the right thing? How do you know if you’re just running away?  This is the moment when so many of us freeze up and do… nothing.

Back in 2008, I wrote When To Quit, and while the world has changed a bit since then, the advice in that piece is just as valid today. You quit when you’re becoming someone you don’t like. You quit when you find yourself enjoying complaining about your soul sucking hellhole of a job more than leaving it. You change when the pain in staying outweighs the pain of leaving.

However.

In this economy, where unemployment is predicted to be high for the next couple of years, how do you leave a paying job? Do you just willingly enter the ranks of the unemployed?

No, that would be pretty stupid (unless, of course, you have a year’s expenses in savings and you’re willing to use it to fund your job search).

What you do is this – rather than spend your energy bitching about your job or feeling stuck, spend it in productive ways:

  • Commit to networking while you’re still in your job. And I’m not talking about the old way of networking, where you stand in a large ballroom tossing your business cards around like confetti.  No, today’s networking is Smart Networking. It’s about helping others, solving their problems, creating relationships. Join professional groups and take a leadership role.  Volunteer.  Get to know more people, so when you’re ready to make a move, you have a tribe of raving fans to support you.
  • Consider opening your own business. Now is a great time to start a business, especially when it’s centered in your strengths.  I recently coached an executive who had been unemployed for nearly a year.  We crafted a strategy where she went after a consulting contract – and she got two of them! One of which now wants to bring her on full-time.  I’ve talked with plenty of employers who are actively pursuing this path – bringing on consultants who then become employees, so it’s a valid, current path to full-time employment.
  • Build your outside-of-work life. When all your eggs are in your work basket, everything that threatens the basket is potentially cataclysmic.  Spread the eggs around.  Spend time with your spouse, your kids.  Take a class.  Read a freakin’ book.  Care less about your work and more about having a rich life.  And you may just find that the jerks at work bother you much less, because you’re spending time with so many nice people. Even some nice people who will help you find your next job.

It’s been said that quitters never win and winners never quit. But I know that’s not really true. In fact, I like Seth Godin’s take on it – winners know when to quit. Bill Gates? Quit the tablet PC rather than throwing more money at the problem. And no one would call Gates a loser (unless they happen to work for Apple – just sayin’).

Quitting is a hard thing to do. I know this. Remember Failure and What I Did About It? But I’m here to tell you that quitting allows the space to open for something wonderful, empowering, lucrative and fun. If you need to quit for all the right reasons, go ahead – quit. I cannot wait to see what opens up for you.

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Filed Under: Career Coaching, Getting Unstuck, Happier Living, Managing Change Tagged With: , , , , , 1 Comment

Work With A Jerk? Part 2

October 3, 2010 By 2 Comments
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Michael Scott - The Office




And now, back to our regularly scheduled program already in progress.

Last week, in Work With A Jerk? Part 1, we talked about how crappy it is to work with a jerk, and how you can minimize the stress by first checking your own reaction.

This week, let’s talk about other things you can do to further insulate yourself from a real jerk.

Because you can. I’m telling you, honestly. It’s totally possible. But you may not like what I suggest you do. Ready?

OK, you have to set boundaries.

[insert collective simultaneous groan and sucking-in of breath]

Sure, we hear about “boundaries” from time to time and I’ve written about this before (When Gifts Become Junk was especially good, imho) but let me lay out a keen definition for you right here:

A boundary is knowing where you stop and I start.

When there is no separation between you and a jerk, it’s that much easier for the jerk to control you, manipulate you, push all your crazy-making buttons.  When you know who you are, and have a firm sense of your own edges, you exist as a whole person, and are not as easily triggered.

Jerks rarely “see” people. Rather, they often think of others as merely an extension of themselves.  So if the jerk is angry, everyone must be angry.  If the jerk likes to get drunk every night in a bar after work, he’ll expect you to do it, too.  If the jerk lies, steals, cheats and compromises her integrity at every opportunity, guess what she’ll expect of you?

Insulate yourself by refusing to merge with the jerk – and you’ll effectively isolate him or her. And at the bare minimum, you’ll feel so much better about yourself.

A boundary is also knowing where to draw the line.

Here are the facts:  work is not your family.  Your boss is not your parent.  You are not your employee’s parent.  So, believe it or not, there are some things you don’t have to put up with, some confidences you don’t need to hear, some emotions you don’t need to soak up like a scrubbie sponge. If this is what you learned to do in your own family – unlearn it. Now.

Boundaries might be an issue for you if you find yourself overly flexible – willing to do anything for anyone and incapable of saying no. Sound familiar?  Or maybe you’re overly rigid.   There are rules, and the way things should be and, by golly, that’s that.  And creativity?  Solutions?  Are you allowing those in?

Both circumstances reflect leaky boundaries.

And, like it or not, a hierarchy exists in work and you ignore it at your peril.

If you’re the boss and you confide your deepest concerns to the receptionist, what are you doing?

Confiding bestows power.

So set a boundary and be very careful about when you spill your guts at the workplace.  Think about who you confide in – and pick a trusted peer, an ally, a friend.  Not someone who will use the power bestowed by your confidence for evil.  Need I remind you of those two words who have fueled jerks for ages – “office gossip”?

How do you find and hold your boundaries?  Great question.  You might be interested in two helpful books – Why Is It Always About You? by Sandy Hotchkiss and Boundaries by Anne Katherine.

The bottom line:  Holding yourself separate and intact, and drawing the line by saying “yes” when you want to say “yes” and “no” when you need to say “no”, will defuse the anxiety and stress that comes from working with a jerk.

***

Next week: knowing when it’s time to quit.  Bet you’ll like that one.

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Filed Under: Career Coaching, Happier Living, Managing Change Tagged With: , , , , , , 2 Comments

Your New Yardstick

April 18, 2010 By 6 Comments



I have started and stopped this blog post seven times.

I have typed, back-spaced, deleted and select-all’ed myself into a frenzy.

Because I know what I want to say, but can’t seem to find the way to say it in 600 words.

Maybe it needs fewer words, less typing, less snarky pun-filled humor.

Let’s try simple, shall we?

Ahem.

To be happier, make your own yardstick to measure success.

Not your mom’s measuring stick, not your dad’s, not your suck-uppy cousin Kevin’s, not your office mate’s, not your boss’, not your neighbor’s, not TV, not Twitter, not Maxim magazine.

Don’t let anyone tell you that you’re a slacker if you don’t work fourteen hour days, or that you’re nobody if you don’t travel for work.  Don’t listen to anyone tell you that all the cool kids are litigators. Or brand managers. Or social media gurus.  Ignore those who hold that you’re a loser if you’re not pulling down six figures. Or seven. Plug up your ears when you hear that you are throwing away your degree and experience when you decide to start your own business.  Or when you take a break from working to care for your small children, your sick father or your ill spouse.

All of that is someone else’s measure of what’s right for you.

What’s right for you?

You decide.

Because when you gauge your life by someone else’s measure, you will always come up short.

Build your yardstick with a mark for playing to your unique strengths. Scratch another line for your values, one for your passions, another for the realities of your life, and what it is that you really want.

Mark your integrity, your goals, your purpose in life.

Then stand back and take a look at what you’ve created.

Looks like success, doesn’t it?

Filed Under: Career Coaching, Happier Living Tagged With: , , , , , 6 Comments
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