“Is It Fun?”

 

A few months ago, I made a commitment to myself to start doing the Washington Post crossword every morning. I thought it would be good for my brain, and to up the ante, I made a few rules.

You know me: Michele Woodward, Rules Girl [when you know the rules, you also know how to bend them. I am just saying.]. Here are my crossword puzzle rules:

Rule 1:  Use only pen.

Rule 2:  Take only 15 minutes.

Rule 3:  If I’m not done in 15 minutes, drop it.

Five times out of six, I complete the puzzle under the rules. Which is surprisingly fulfilling. Ups my general Happy Quotient, if you want to know the truth.

And, there are one or two things I have learned from this exercise:

A. My intuition about a word is almost always right (except the other day, when the clue was “John Paul II, e.g.”  I wrote “POPE” when the answer turned out to be “POLE”. Ah, well.)

B. Sometimes an Across word is best solved by looking at the Down words that make it up

C. Challenges can be fun

That’s right, funLook at me – I used the f-word.

Maybe you were raised with that wonderful work ethic that says “anything worth doing has to be hard”, which leads quite handily toward “work is hard, fun is frivolous; ergo, no fun for you, bucko”.

So you equate fun with anything but work.

Fun is tubing down the river with a cooler of beer trailing behind you.

Fun is a yo-yo tournament.

Fun is running a marathon (except for that pesky mile 21 where everything gets a little wobbly and you wonder where the fun is. The fun comes at mile 26.375, baby).

Work is a grind. Work is hyper-competitive. Work is eat-what-you-kill, dog-eat-dog, scarcity thinking writ large.

Fun and work, therefore, can never be equal.

But maybe think about it this way: work is just a challenge.

And crossword puzzles are challenges, right?

And some challenges can be fun and rewarding, and even fulfilling.

Especially if you know the rules and work within them. Kinda.

So, if my math is right, work can be fun and fulfilling if you turn the grind into a a kind of game, and you create some rules for yourself – rules you stick to.

[You may have heard of this idea of rules before. We also call these "boundaries".]

Such as:  “I will not work on weekends.”

“I won’t waste a minute in malicious office gossip.”

“If something doesn’t go my way, I will drop it and move on rather than obsess, stew and fret.”

These are just some of mine. Just like using a pen to complete the crossword in less than 15 minutes.

You have a choice, too. You can make your own rules.

Really.

Start by asking yourself, “Is this thing I’m doing fun?” And if the answer is no, then figure out a way to make it fun. Make it a game.

Your game.

And I’m thinking you’re going to win because you made up the rules.

You winner, you.

 

Integrity

Noticed a little bit of conversation these days about politics? Not only in the U.S., where we seem to have a permanent presidential campaign in place, but also in Europe, in Asia, in South America…

Commentators in this country continue to refer to the nation suffering from a “crisis of confidence”. Maybe that’s true.

Maybe we are tired of the law partner who pockets a record bonus but tells the associates and support staff that there’s no money – again this year – for their raise.

Perhaps we’re too used to hearing about the minister with the $100,000 Mercedes parked in front of his mansion.

It could be that we’re fed up with hearing that people are going to “change Washington” and yet nothing ends up getting done.

We see real incongruence between what we expect and what we get, and that’s precisely how our confidence is undermined.

That’s a word I’m loving these days: Congruence.

It’s when things line up. It’s when what you see is what you get.

Congruence is truth.

Congruence is whole.

Congruence makes sense.

And a person who is congruent – they mean what they say, and predictably do what they say they will – is truly a person of integrity. Pundits may see the world suffering from a crisis of confidence, but I’d call it an Integrity Deficit.

Somehow or other, many leaders – some of them self-appointed – seem to have forgotten that people eagerly follow those with integrity. Whether you’re a politician, an office manager or a life coach, being a person who means what she says, and does what she says she’s going to do, is the person who’s really successful.

Now, we all know people whose integrity is, shall we say, “compromised”, and yet they seem to thrive and maybe even get ahead.

That’s an incongruence right there, huh?

But what goes around comes around, and I have never, ever met an incongruent person whose personal narrative ends well. Have you?

That karma thing is plenty powerful.

And it always works.

So, now is as good a time as any to assess your own personal integrity.

  • Do you ever say yes when you mean no, and wince about it shortly after the words have left your mouth?
  • Do you consistently miss deadlines and break commitments?
  • Do you fib about having sent in the payment, when really you haven’t even written the check yet?
  • Do you concoct a story about where you just were, rather than admitting what you were really doing?

OK, you’re human.  But do you feel good about this stuff? Or does it add to your stress?  Create overwhelm?

Then get congruent, baby.

Start in a small way.  Start by making only those commitments you know you can meet. And then acknowledge to yourself that you did what you said you’d do. Maybe even give yourself a little reward for that.

And, make an effort to really watch your words.  In The Four Agreements, author Don Miguel Ruiz suggests that one way to insure happiness is to:

“Be impeccable with your word. Speak with integrity. Say only what you mean. Avoid using the word to speak against yourself or to gossip about others. Use the power of your word in the direction of truth and love.”

I hear you – truth and love in the workplace? Just for a minute, drop your skepticism and think about it a different way.

I know from experience that shifting toward integrity will profoundly change your work experience. It will profoundly change your marriage, your parenting, your friendships and everything else in your world.

Integrity changes anything it touches for the better.

That is the truth.

You know, I have a dream.  I dream that one day our global crisis of confidence will be replaced with the peace, certainty and progress that integrity engenders.

But that will only happen – our leaders will only become people of integrity – if we, first, become so ourselves.

 

Be It Resolved

 

WHEREAS, 2011 was a bad year for tyrants, terrorists and repressive regimes around the world; and,

WHEREAS, sometimes offices and workplace settings can mimic authoritative empires; and,

WHEREAS, the world of work has radically changed, making it even more important for you to see yourself as fully in charge of your career and future; and,

WHEREAS, the thing that has often challenged you is being a good enough advocate for yourself; and,

WHEREAS, you might also just be a little bit of a people-pleaser, which only means something you learned at one time in your life no longer suits you at this point; and,

WHEREAS, breaking a life-long habit can be a big challenge; and,

WHEREAS, you know breaking that habit is the only way to get ahead and live the life you envision; and,

WHEREAS, surprisingly enough, you can easily get all the help and support you need to make this change simply by asking people you trust to give you a hand,

NOW, THEREFORE, BE IT RESOLVED, that you will begin to shift your situation by taking small steps to learn be the self-mentor, self-advocate, self-champion you need to be

  1. You will say no, and
  2. You will honor your own preferences and assert them appropriately, and
  3. You will take the risks required to grow, even if they feel way too big, and
  4. You will not be afraid to be a person of integrity and authenticity, and
  5. You will find that by doing so you will actively move to reduce your stress, and
  6. You will stop feeling like you continually lose.

BE IT FURTHER RESOLVED, that you will stand up to office bullies and authoritarian tyrants, armed with integrity, confidence, candor and focus, thereby giving yourself the relief you deserve, and the kind of life you want.

RATIFIED BY UNANIMOUS CONSENT this 1st day of January, 2012.

[Your signature here]

 

 

 

It’s Quitting Time

sunflower



So now you know what to do when you work with or for a real jerk. We talked about that last week and the week before that. You know that the first step is to see what you can do to shift the situation, and you know how to set boundaries, right?

Good.

But while doing that stuff will definitely make you feel better and get you much clearer, sometimes you’re just in a bad work situation that’s not going to change.

And the only thing to do is to exit, stage left.

But how do you know if quitting is the right thing? How do you know if you’re just running away?  This is the moment when so many of us freeze up and do… nothing.

Back in 2008, I wrote When To Quit, and while the world has changed a bit since then, the advice in that piece is just as valid today. You quit when you’re becoming someone you don’t like. You quit when you find yourself enjoying complaining about your soul sucking hellhole of a job more than leaving it. You change when the pain in staying outweighs the pain of leaving.

However.

In this economy, where unemployment is predicted to be high for the next couple of years, how do you leave a paying job? Do you just willingly enter the ranks of the unemployed?

No, that would be pretty stupid (unless, of course, you have a year’s expenses in savings and you’re willing to use it to fund your job search).

What you do is this – rather than spend your energy bitching about your job or feeling stuck, spend it in productive ways:

  • Commit to networking while you’re still in your job. And I’m not talking about the old way of networking, where you stand in a large ballroom tossing your business cards around like confetti.  No, today’s networking is Smart Networking. It’s about helping others, solving their problems, creating relationships. Join professional groups and take a leadership role.  Volunteer.  Get to know more people, so when you’re ready to make a move, you have a tribe of raving fans to support you.
  • Consider opening your own business. Now is a great time to start a business, especially when it’s centered in your strengths.  I recently coached an executive who had been unemployed for nearly a year.  We crafted a strategy where she went after a consulting contract – and she got two of them! One of which now wants to bring her on full-time.  I’ve talked with plenty of employers who are actively pursuing this path – bringing on consultants who then become employees, so it’s a valid, current path to full-time employment.
  • Build your outside-of-work life. When all your eggs are in your work basket, everything that threatens the basket is potentially cataclysmic.  Spread the eggs around.  Spend time with your spouse, your kids.  Take a class.  Read a freakin’ book.  Care less about your work and more about having a rich life.  And you may just find that the jerks at work bother you much less, because you’re spending time with so many nice people. Even some nice people who will help you find your next job.

It’s been said that quitters never win and winners never quit. But I know that’s not really true. In fact, I like Seth Godin’s take on it – winners know when to quit. Bill Gates? Quit the tablet PC rather than throwing more money at the problem. And no one would call Gates a loser (unless they happen to work for Apple – just sayin’).

Quitting is a hard thing to do. I know this. Remember Failure and What I Did About It? But I’m here to tell you that quitting allows the space to open for something wonderful, empowering, lucrative and fun. If you need to quit for all the right reasons, go ahead – quit. I cannot wait to see what opens up for you.

Work With A Jerk? Part 2

Michael Scott - The Office




And now, back to our regularly scheduled program already in progress.

Last week, in Work With A Jerk? Part 1, we talked about how crappy it is to work with a jerk, and how you can minimize the stress by first checking your own reaction.

This week, let’s talk about other things you can do to further insulate yourself from a real jerk.

Because you can. I’m telling you, honestly. It’s totally possible. But you may not like what I suggest you do. Ready?

OK, you have to set boundaries.

[insert collective simultaneous groan and sucking-in of breath]

Sure, we hear about “boundaries” from time to time and I’ve written about this before (When Gifts Become Junk was especially good, imho) but let me lay out a keen definition for you right here:

A boundary is knowing where you stop and I start.

When there is no separation between you and a jerk, it’s that much easier for the jerk to control you, manipulate you, push all your crazy-making buttons.  When you know who you are, and have a firm sense of your own edges, you exist as a whole person, and are not as easily triggered.

Jerks rarely “see” people. Rather, they often think of others as merely an extension of themselves.  So if the jerk is angry, everyone must be angry.  If the jerk likes to get drunk every night in a bar after work, he’ll expect you to do it, too.  If the jerk lies, steals, cheats and compromises her integrity at every opportunity, guess what she’ll expect of you?

Insulate yourself by refusing to merge with the jerk – and you’ll effectively isolate him or her. And at the bare minimum, you’ll feel so much better about yourself.

A boundary is also knowing where to draw the line.

Here are the facts:  work is not your family.  Your boss is not your parent.  You are not your employee’s parent.  So, believe it or not, there are some things you don’t have to put up with, some confidences you don’t need to hear, some emotions you don’t need to soak up like a scrubbie sponge. If this is what you learned to do in your own family – unlearn it. Now.

Boundaries might be an issue for you if you find yourself overly flexible – willing to do anything for anyone and incapable of saying no. Sound familiar?  Or maybe you’re overly rigid.   There are rules, and the way things should be and, by golly, that’s that.  And creativity?  Solutions?  Are you allowing those in?

Both circumstances reflect leaky boundaries.

And, like it or not, a hierarchy exists in work and you ignore it at your peril.

If you’re the boss and you confide your deepest concerns to the receptionist, what are you doing?

Confiding bestows power.

So set a boundary and be very careful about when you spill your guts at the workplace.  Think about who you confide in – and pick a trusted peer, an ally, a friend.  Not someone who will use the power bestowed by your confidence for evil.  Need I remind you of those two words who have fueled jerks for ages – “office gossip”?

How do you find and hold your boundaries?  Great question.  You might be interested in two helpful books – Why Is It Always About You? by Sandy Hotchkiss and Boundaries by Anne Katherine.

The bottom line:  Holding yourself separate and intact, and drawing the line by saying “yes” when you want to say “yes” and “no” when you need to say “no”, will defuse the anxiety and stress that comes from working with a jerk.

***

Next week: knowing when it’s time to quit.  Bet you’ll like that one.