I Am Not Superwoman

There appear to be many women who hope to convince themselves and the rest of us that they are perfect. Hair — perfectly coiffed, colored and curled. Body — athletic and toned. Wardrobe — trendy, sexy and stylish. Children — well-behaved high achievers. Husband — handsome, wealthy, attentive.

They think they need to be Superwoman. They want everything to be perfect.

But, honey, I know what’s going on inside.

In the push to be perfect, they feel anything but. Life is a series of experiences where they are not enough, and can’t possibly do enough. They look at the women around them and feel inferior, and hide that they’re totally struggling to keep up. They grit their teeth and smile through the stress of Superwoman expectations.

Because I’m a life coach, people often expect me to live that perfect life. Yesterday I was in a shop that sells my book Lose Weight, Find Love, De-Clutter & Save Money: Essays on Happier Living and the store manager said, looking down her aquiline nose at me, “Do you live what you write?” I smiled sweetly and said, “Absolutely.”

And I do. But let me share a little something that may just make tomorrow a little easier for all you would-be Superwomen:

I am not Superwoman. Not even close.

Sometimes my only wardrobe concern is: Am I clean?

My house generally, at all times, needs vacuuming.

I have been known to feed my children take-out.

I often forget to return phone calls and am terrible at remembering birthdays.

I can overbook my calendar.

I am divorced.

No, I’m not Superwoman. And I’m really, really glad for that. Because what I am is 100% Michele. I have four priorities and if I can handle those every day, I am doing a pretty good job. Want to know what they are? Be present with my kids and everyone else I meet. Care for my physical, financial, emotional and spiritual health. Learn. Lead.

That’s it. That’s all. Hair, nails, make-up, shoes? If I get to it, I get to it.

Yep, I am Imperfecta Girl, and I absolutely 100% love my perfectly imperfect life.

If you’re struggling to get it right, to be perfect, to have it all, let me ask you: Can you get to the place where you give up attempting to be a mythical Superwoman, and find the place where you’re a true Imperfecta Girl — authentically yourself, happy with exactly what you have, comfortable in your own skin, serving your own priorities? Go on, give it a try. All you have to lose is stress. All you have to gain is your true self. And it will be absolutely OK with me if you don’t do it perfectly.

W-O-R-K (A Four Letter Word)

Time for a gut check. Do you like what you do?

You get up each morning and get ready for your day — what’s that like? Are you eager? Procrastinating? Measured? Rushed? Let me ask you this: Are you happy at the prospect of going to work?

I imagine there’s someone reading this right now who scoffs at the very idea. “Michele,” this person wants to say, “work is work. You’re not supposed to like it! Work’s just something you do to pay the bills and get financial security so someday you can retire and do whatever you daggone well please.”

Hmmn. So, let me get this straight. I am supposed to work for forty years at a job I detest just so I can retire and get the freedom I postponed? How in the world does this make sense?

But it’s a widely held view. And it governs us in so many ways.

A friend lamented that her teenage son has no drive. No ambition. No idea of what he wants to do. He isn’t interested in getting a summer job. My friend is contemplating grounding him unless he finds a job, any job. Doesn’t matter what he does, just as long as he works.

“Why do you think he doesn’t want to work?” she asked. Maybe it’s because all he hears is his mom and his dad complaining about their own jobs. He looks at his father and sees a man who misses games, and assemblies, and sports banquets because of the demands of his job. Who’s distracted and on his Blackberry when he is home. Maybe he sees a mom who’s frazzled and frantically juggling all the family elements that make up the boy’s entire universe — school, home, sports, friends.

With this kind of role model around work, who would want to get a job?

The secret to being happy is this: do more of what you like and are good at, and do less of what you dislike — even if you are good at it. I, for example, dislike spreadsheets. Especially spreadsheets regarding historical spending, actual spending and proposed spending. They give me a headache. However, despite the pounding in my head, I am good at deciphering those kinds of spreadsheets and can be an active participant in discussions about them.

However, if I had a job that was solely spreadsheets, I’d be a morose blob of bleah.

I know a woman who is an accountant and has been at the same job for fifteen years. She goes in each day, does her work, goes home. It’s a blob of bleah. She knows she’s not really happy, but she’s competent and that’s all work is about, right? When you probe, you find out that what she’d really like to do is teach. The idea of teaching math to kids makes her whole face light up. But, she’ll tell you, how could she possibly take the pay cut?

And, I ask: What’s the price of being happier?

Maybe not as much as you think. It’s a funny thing. When you start to do more of what you love, so much shifts. Time and time again, I have seen people take a “pay cut” and live richer lives. Either they find they need less than they thought, or they find that their priorities shift and needing that expensive suit, that keeping-up-with-the-Joneses vacation, that nifty sports car — just not important. Those “things” were only used to fill the gap that happiness now fills.

Or they find that they get paid more than they ever expected. They get salary increases, and bonuses. If they own their own business, clients flood in. Why? Because they are on fire about doing what they love. People who are passionate about what they do attract business and opportunities.

Wouldn’t you recruit a teacher that all the students, parents and faculty adored? Wouldn’t you want an accountant who found beauty and joy in numbers? Wouldn’t you hire a coach who loves what she does?

Work doesn’t have to be a four letter word. When you live a life of your own design — doing what you love and are good at — you’ll find that even work feels like fun. And each day is a joy. And your kids can’t wait to get a summer job.

Having Fun

So this woman calls me last week. Says she’s happy — really happy — doesn’t need a coach really. Just wants to talk. Well, maybe there is just this one thing. Kinda small. Not a big deal.

See, she’s got this job she doesn’t really like but it pays pretty well — you don’t have to LOVE your work, right? You just have to get the check and support your lifestyle, even if the job is a soul-sucking, mind-numbing dead end. I mean, she does the job very well.

Oh, and, by the way, she’s got a four hour daily commute to the soul-sucking, mind-numbing dead end job she only does for the money. She doesn’t have time to connect with her husband. She feels guilty when she misses activities with her kids, so she schedules them into lots of stuff — she’s gotta work to pay for all that, right? And, for herself? No time for book club, no time for gardening, no time for nuthin’.

I have to tell you, I really liked this woman. She’s smart, she’s well-spoken, she’s caring and kind. She’s got so much going for her. And, like a lot of us, she’s completely stuck in a rut.

If you’re stuck in some kind of rut yourself, there is nothing better to do than incorporate some fun into your life.

Yes,that’s what I said: fun.

Next to money and sex, fun is one of the most difficult things for us grown-ups to talk about. It’s as if having fun is irresponsible once you crest a certain threshold of adulthood. But…

Think about when you’re having fun. You’re excited, you’re laughing, you’re in the moment — you’re happy. The Buddhists suggest “child’s mind” when tackling a new problem (or just walking through your life) — fun and play are the best ways to achieve child’s mind. Jesus taught that the Kingdom of God belongs to those who are like little children. And, how do children like to spend their time? Why, by having fun!

So, let me ask you: Are you playing every day? Are you having fun?

Take a moment to have some fun today. Clear off the coffee table and play mini-hockey with your kids. Do a cannonball off the high dive. Dance. Take your husband to the go-kart track and race. Giggle. Paint your mother’s portrait with finger paints. Hang a spoon off your nose at dinner. Buy some Play-Doh. Have a water balloon fight. Hopscotch.

Have no purpose to your fun. Forget the teaching moments. Just play. Play and relax.

You’re never too old for fun. Fun is never inappropriate. In fact, fun is catching. If folks see you have fun, they’ll have fun themselves.

If your work is not fun, try to incorporate some fun into it. If you can’t, find something more fun to do. Yes, your lifestyle may change. But that can be OK. It’s happened before. After a divorce, Karen drops the country club and joins a hiking club. After successfully beating cancer, John leaves his job and starts teaching school. When the kids leave for college, Hannah and George sell the big house and spend a year sailing the Caribbean. A woman wakes up one morning and realizes there is more to life than a four hour commute, and makes some changes.

How you live is completely up to you — if your lifestyle interferes with living your life, ditch the lifestyle for something much more real and much more fun.