When Gifts Become Junk
Difficult people are so difficult.
Demanding, whiny, needy, unreasonable, unconscious, a pain in the butt, belligerent, jerk, fearful… I can go on. Bet you can, too. Some people just sap the energy from the room. Or are so negative and critical that being around them is never joyful. Don’t you find your own mood shifting to match theirs? So what starts as a great day becomes a freak show. What a downer. Who wants to live like that?
So, you’ve got a Energy Sucking Black Hole Of A Person in your life. What do you do?
This week I read a wonderful blog post by my friend Hiro Boga, called What Happens To A Gift You Refuse To Accept? and it got me thinking.
We are trained from childhood to always accept a gift even if it’s like the fancy soap that I once received as a gift — and the soap had been used. Yes, I had been re-gifted. And the original gift card from the original giver was in the bottom of the box.
We’ve been told to graciously accept even gifts such as this and write a thoughtful, tasteful thank you note. Regardless.
Yet.
I have received gifts I cannot use. Don’t want. Don’t make sense. That really belonged to someone else. Sometimes these gifts reflect what other people think I should be, or should like, or should want. Which aren’t gifts at all.
And these things clutter my life.
As I cleaned out a linen closet yesterday, I uncovered many presents I had been holding on to because they were gifts, afterall. And one is supposed to be grateful. So, I had stuffed them into a closet and they slowly turned into junk. Junk which is making its way to Goodwill later today.
Feel a metaphor coming at you?
OK, so like Hiro Boga wrote, just because a person wants to give me a gift of… their negativity, their anxiety, their fear… I can simply say no thanks and let them keep it. Because if I accept their gift, I clutter up the linen closet of my life.
It really comes down to: if I spend my time and energy sharing their discontent and helping them live their life, when do I have time to live my own?
People come to me for help with the difficult people they encounter at work. And often it comes down to not setting boundaries, which is hard for so many of us. A co-worker sits down to “vent” and we feel the need to help. But we get drawn into office politics, gossip and drama — which keeps us from doing what we want to do with our lives and careers.
All theoretical I know. So I will be practical. We really need to do is reflect their “gift” right back to them. Place it squarely in their hands — because it’s their gift in the first place.
And you do that by saying, “Wow, sounds tough. What do you plan to do about it?”
That’s how you do it. Kindly, respectfully, with boundaries intact. And then you get on to living your own life.
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August 16, 2009 by Michele Woodward
Filed under Career Coaching, Happier Living
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Michele, I love your No, thank you mantra: “Wow, sounds tough. What do you plan to do about it?”
It’s kind, compassionate, real, and a reminder that each of us has what it takes to shape our own lives by the choices we make.
Yay! for clearing a path to meet your dreams.
Great post Michelle! You are so right about the co-worker vent – you think you’re doing the “right thing” by listening. The reality is you have become the next bit-player in the office’s unfolding greek tragedy. Your advice is right on about regifting parts of a dramatic tragedy you weren’t ever interested in playing. Thank you, Michelle.
I don’t think I can say it better than Hiro did – uh, ever…
. I LOVE this practical advice. Thanks, Michele.
Wow — that’s a powerful gift you’ve just given us. I have been working very hard on removing the acquaintance drama from my life this past year. But I’m a fixer, so I end up getting sucked in most of the time against the wishes of the rational side of my brain. I’m going to repeat that over and over and over again until it just magically flows out of my mouth without having to think about it. Thank you.
Lately, I use the internal mantra of – ‘thank you for sharing and no I don’t wish to participate in your drama, complaint, distress’…fill in the blank. Works like a charm for a charmed life. I can acknowledge the person,their concerns, and send them on their way to solve, manage or stew in their own life. How do I spell relief? Staying in my own business [yes, I know longer than TUMS] and reside in peace.
Michele, your and Hiro Boga’s posts are fabulous reminders and reinforcements to stay in my own energy and not get tangled up in anyone else’s negative vibe! The Universe is definitely making this message loud and clear for me
I concur “Wow, sounds tough. What do you plan to do about it?” is a great way to be present with and hear someone without buying into their story. Great post!
I am using that one Michele! What an excellent way to stay true to myself, and not allow anyone else’s drama affect my own day. Thanks Michele!
Michele- WOW. What a tremendous and timely post for me. The most recent ex, whom I have just FINALLY gotten out of my life, was himself such a “gift” – and he literally did the same type of thing recently by “insisting” I accept a birthday present from him….this gives me much needed perspective, bolstering, food for thought . . .thank you!!
Carrie Neal